Change of plans (again)...

Just when I think my life is going to look like ____, it all changes. All the time this happens...

I had planned to post an article every day for the past 5 days - we can all see how well that plan worked out...

There's a long story that I will tell another time but, for now, suffice to say I came to New York City and hoped to hang back while the world let me set aside and "take a rest" (from what, I don't really know...). The whole trip was set up in a way that caused me resentment and sadness (again, the details are not important).

What happened instead, was that I had an almost charmed, magical, experience.

It has been one of those incredible experiences of being in exactly the right place at the right time. The picture above is 182 Clinton St., Brooklyn (Bill & Lois' Clinton Street house) - it's a crummy picture taken on a Blackberry at twilight, but it's a case in point of how the whole experience unfolded - I was just taken there one night.

If anyone missed my articles the past few days (seems unlikely), I apologize. I look forward to getting back into the groove and write about how the principles of AA have brought me here and have served me in all these times...

For now, my heart is full and I have some reading to catch up on...

Aloha...
Ed

Lists...

I started working with a new sponsor about 2 years ago. This was after my sponsor for ab0ut ~15 years fired me when I was at one of my lowest points in sobriety but, hey, I'm over all that now...

Anyway, since he's a long distance sponsor (not recommended but how it worked out for me), it took us several months to develop much of a rapport or comfortable way of checking in on the phone.

During this time, my life was aflame and I was (nearly) completely frozen and unable to show up in any way I thought was responsive to the pack of wolves who seemed to be constantly howling at my door. I was working my program as best I could, showing up as best I could, doing all the stuff I know to do but was absolutely stuck - if you've been around a while, you probably know the place: "...yes, I know I said I would do 'X' and had every intention to do 'X' when I got up this morning and, well, it's now the end yet another day and 'X' is still not done..." What 'X' is, really doesn't seem to make much difference in my life - could be write a 4th step, apply for a job, make a phone call, take a walk - stuck is stuck.

It was a bad time...

So, I went to an inspiring AA conference, got my legs under me and had a new spiritual experience and great enthusiasm and decided what I needed was a new "accountability". I would make myself wholly accountable to my sponsor (actually, a surrogate since he was too busy at the time to commit to multiple phone calls a day...). I created a list of goals and pinned them down to dates and was ready to begin my life anew.

I remembered that phone call yesterday when Syd made a comment about lists on my blog article of yesterday...

Me: "I called to make sure you got my emails of goals and accountability for the next few days"
Sponsor: "um, yeah..."
"So, I know it seems sort of simple but I just thought I would start out slow and as I get my stride back, I can expand my goals and commitments as necessary..."
"(silence)"
"So, I will create a web site where I've got all these tasks lined out and you and ____ can verify what my progress is each day..."
"(silence)"
"...so, as I see it, each one of these tasks will be traceable and I can see my real progress on the several area where I've been stuck for the last few months..."
"(silence)"
"...eventually, the web site could look sort of like a project management system where the critical path of my life can be progressed as each task is completed..."
"(longer silence)"
"........so, I'm really excited about getting my life back into some kind of shape..."
"(really long silence)"
"(silence)"
"(indefinite but probably infinite silence...)"
"So, do you have any sort of thoughts about this...?"
"Well, I'm thinking about what we talked about the difference between a spirit-led life and 'trying to wrest satisfaction from life by managing better...' "
"Yeah, but..."
"I was thinking about the difference between being spirit-led and ego driven..."
"OK..."

A little further in the conversation...

"So, there's not going to be a list of tasks, huh?"
"nope."
"There's not going to be a daily check in for accountability?"
"Only with you and God in your nightly review..."
"Probably not really a need for that web site or anything like that..."
"nope."

He might have saved my life...

Ed

Time...

"The only reason for time is so everything doesn't happen at once" - Einstein

It's interesting to me just how much of my life and energy is spent fighting time. It seems there's never enough to do everything that needs to be done or that I want to participate in. I have a busy life. I have hours and hours of recorded programs on my DVR that I may or may not ever get to. I've read (or at least attempted to read) Heidegger's Being and Time, I've tried to discipline myself to use the 24 hours in each day efficiently and effectively, I've tried to surrender to living a life as being "spirit led" instead of "ego-driven", I've opted for a goal to be truly "present" at each moment of my life - yet, given a moment's choice, I may opt for the idleness of playing Freecell or avoidance of the urgent or necessary.

In other words, I waste a lot of the ~18-20 hours laid by the grace of God in front of me each morning - I feel bad about it, but I do.

So, in the spirit of not fighting anything or anybody, I resolve today to stop fighting time. I accept that, at the end of this day, what will be accomplished will be what is supposed to be accomplished. That I will accept that what is left undone is not worthy of regret. And, that, in the fullness of the expression of my human-ness, I will learn and grow from this day and will be the best me that I can be for me today...

...just seems like the next thing to try...

Ed

Starting over...

One of the useful things I find in publishing a blog is that it provides me a place to put those unfinished conversations that I seem to have around in my head all the time. For example, I try to take my responsibilities as a sponsor pretty seriously and I find myself often reflecting on what was said, not said and could have been worded better. Many times I seem to take that to the web and inflict it on everybody (or nobody) who drops by here.

Please don't take me wrong - I get it that that all I did to qualify myself as someone who's a sponsor is drink myself to the edge of death or insanity, not die, and live a new life as a recovered alcoholic in AA totally by God's grace. I marvel that the trust that's put in me as sponsor is similar to those who have skill, intelligence and training that seem far more useful than what I have to offer but if God is God in my life and others' lives, I understand that I can sometimes be useful as someone's sponsor and that's just a gift. But, I digress...

So, I have someone who regularly comes by at 6am on Thursdays and we did our deal today one more time. He's in the familiar position of dealing with old behaviors (we're shocked that he's on his 9th step... ;-) ) and the consequences they wreak in his life. I've been working with this dude for almost 3 years now and he's coming up on ~3 months sober this time around. I've got to admit, more than once I've thought that he might be of the constitutionally incapable variety but, again, my job is to only offer what my sober experience has been.

...and that is, when you fall down, you get up and start over...

I thought I was pretty unique in the AA world a few years ago when I found the nobility and the usefulness in the Myth of Sisyphus - as I march down the hill to push the rock up one more time, I realize that my purpose is just that. I get to have all the nobility of the absurd position that I've created for myself - I get to be who my higher power would have me be. What I do is no more or no less than pushing a rock for all eternity.

No, I'm not unique - I'm just one more drunk on the bus.

...who's been given a gift that the only appropriate response for is "thank you..." - for a chance to start over and be grateful for ALL that has graced my life...

...and, that just makes sense to me today...

Ed

Funk...

On this bright, spring morning, the colors are beautiful, the birds are singing, the sky is blue, the mountains are gorgeous, and all I can think to write about is general depression.

As I commented on Pam's blog this morning, I know this will pass - probably pretty soon. The circumstances of my life just don't support the emotions that seem to be tracking with them. I am grateful. I have joy in my life. There is much to be hopeful for. There is much to be happy about.

I really don't want to defend my depression this morning - I just want to acknowledge it, and be willing to release it. I guess that's part of what I'm writing about - with 25 years of on the AA path, great sponsorship, sponsees that I really care about, the fellowship I crave around me - I still need to create enough willingness to let go of these old ideas.

One of the meanest (but necessary) things a sponsor ever said to me was a few years ago when, after working together for nearly 10 years, he stopped, looked at me and said: "Ed, could you ever think of yourself as someone who's not depressed?" I felt as though he'd stabbed me with a knife or punched me with a blunt stick and knocked my wind out. I wanted to turn him inside out - retaliate.

Yet, I knew it to be the truth - I was truly unwilling to let go of my identity an someone who was depressed. The absurdity of the situation, constantly complaining about being depressed while hanging on to it as my basic identity, was obvious. It was the insanity, the old idea, the essence of what was keeping me sick.

Now, years later, I know how and where I must change (for today). I struggle but I think I can come up with the willingness. And then, I ask God for the grace to make the next step toward recovery...

...and then, learn the lesson of this moment...

Thanks...

This stuff doesn't happen to me...

I've been sober for over 25 years and (conservatively) have been to over 175 conferences, roundups and workshops and heard 100's of great AA and Al-Anon speakers. I'm a junky for the fantastic, dramatic stories of how God works and heals lives and provides for his children miraculously.

I can think, off hand, of at least a dozen people whom I've heard where a point comes in their story where the despair is overwhelming, the hopelessness has about claimed it's victory, and people are asking for oblivion. Then, out of the blue, they open their mailbox and there's a check that's exactly the amount of the grocery bill or the rent or whatever...

As much as I love these stories and believe them to be the God's honest truth, there's always been more than a thread of skepticism that's lead to thoughts or comments like "...or, they could have gotten a job..." or, "...yeah, right, I think I'll just quit my job and wait for the mailbox to fill up with money..." My cynical nature may not be my most endearing feature but it's been a part of my most enduring character defects.

So, yesterday, I was in a funk. Seems to be some of that going around in the blog world these days so I didn't think much of it. I was startled to realize I'm going to have to come up with $4k in property taxes this week (good God, where does the time go!!!) and I'm still not making any income to speak of and the 3-50 projects or ideas I have for income don't seem to be getting any traction and it was the anniversary of Columbine and a web site that is launching is still not "complete" and I don't like how my wife is speaking to me and I'm late with at least a dozen spring projects and my allergies are bugging me... Well, there was no real reason, I was just in a funk and in some fear.

I opened the mail and there was a check for $12,070.27.

Back when I had a title in corporate America, they gave us lots of stock options. Since they'd decided they could do that and give us titles and options instead of cash (would that I had the intelligence to have been in line for the bonuses they're doing now... ;-) ) I regarded them as the worthless pieces of paper that they are. In the 7 years since they laid me off, I occasionally get paperwork that sometimes I remember to send in, sometimes I forget and usually, if I send it in, I wind up with a check for somewhere between $.26 (no joke) to ~$12. So, when I send in the paperwork, I'm just going through the motions so that they stop sending me paperwork.

I was surprised. I felt the sob at the back of my throat.

I think what the funk really was about is the fear (based on a core, belief - a certainty), that my life is about to collapse. That, what God has done for me for over 25 years is a joke and the punchline (which is not going to be good for me, I know this) is imminent.

I think I have some lessons to learn...

As Pam said earlier, God is good...

Ed

How anonymous???

Some of the folks on the web have helped and encouraged me in my struggles with understanding and applying the principle of anonymity for my presence on the web. I appreciate the fact that many have been doing this for years and have reconciled their participation in the blogosphere with their programs admirably. I have tried to learn from their (your) experiences.

That said, my case might be slightly different (sigh, isn't it ever true ;-) ). I re-read an article I wrote in February last night (Anonymity on the Web - One Member’s View) and it still rings generally true for me so I think I'll stay on that path for a while longer.

...except...

I have a wonderful, amazing relationship with my daughter. I often cite that relationship as a direct example of the miracles that happen as a consequence of the 9th step in AA and Al-Anon (she was an active member of Al-Anon for a number of years). We share an intimacy and love that is amazing - I probably know more about the details of her life than any father would ever want to know. I am incredibly proud of her life and her character - she is one of my strongest role models of what a "recovered" life might look like. We love each other unconditionally...

I was on the phone with my daughter the other day and, in the course of discussing "what's new", I shared with her some of what I was doing on the web. She wanted to see some of it. I told her, without thinking, that I would send her some links. I will send her several links to different personal and commercial sites that I have in progress. I never even thought about sending her the link to this blog and another site that I maintain anonymously.

But, why not? Who I am is reflected as much in these sites as it is in those others - perhaps more so. I don't think there's anything that I've written here that would embarrass or upset her. Who would be harmed?

...except, I have this "hunch" that the whole anonymity thing might be more like pregnancy (she was just a little pregnant?) than like shades of gray (it's really closer to purple?)...

I'm still noodling on this. I have to have the patience to wait for an answer - truth is, I would really like to share this with her, but I wonder if there is any purpose served by her knowing I am the author?

I pray God that more be revealed...

Ed

More flexibility...

So, the storm that didn't wreak the major havoc that was predicted in our part of the state caused the meeting that I was supposed to be at get canceled and, when I showed up at another workshop instead, I was asked to stand in and do a pitch about Public Information in AA for someone who couldn't get here from Steamboat due to the storm.

It reminded me of my 1st stint in PI service. Shortly after I was elected a GSR (about 20++ years ago), I was appointed our district's PI chair. As with most (every?) job I've had in AA, I immediately set about making plans to grow the position into the most important in the district - maybe the world. I fancied getting the word out about AA to every nook and cranny of our village. I envisioned great projects of outreach with literature, speaking engagements, well, you get the idea - my ego was completely run amok.

One of the few projects that did come my way that I in fact followed through with was that our county had a middle school that was having a health fair and they offered a AA a table to set up and offer our information. I borrowed a VCR and got the new GSO PI tape titled (I think) Too Young, bought a bunch of brochures and proceeded to set up a table in the gym with the local hospitals, clinics, etc.

I don''t know what exactly I was expecting but it was for middle schoolers for Pete's sake - they had about as much interest in learning to stop drinking as they wanted to learn about, say, how to study harder so that they could grow up to be great important people. Most of the kids were polite, but had no interest at all in the old dude standing behind (or in front of) the table with the AA sign. The only thing on the table that anyone took was the comic book looking brochures from GSO - some of them were returned once they realized what they were dealing with.

An aside - what is now called "middle school" was a horrible time for me personally - I hear some people - even sometimes in AA meetings - speak with fondness of their youth. This is definitely not my experience. When I think of my time from 10-14, I think of middle school as a time of fear, confusion, inadequacy (hell 10-33 but it was worst 10-14), where I wouldn't go back to that time on a bet - I'd rather be dead than live in the space my head was in then...

So, here I was on an AA - PI gig with hordes of kids I really didn't even want to relate to and who didn't want to have anything to do with me. Who all seemed repelled at the idea of even wanting to talk about thinking about drinking...

...except for one kid...

I saw this kid the first time as he was working down the tables on my side of the gym - he was clearly aware of the AA sign and looked up at me a few times only to quickly look away. As he reached my table, it was as if he was repelled and darted out the door. I saw him again a few minutes later working back from the other direction in the gym against the flow of traffic - again, he reached the corner of my table and darted out the room...

The period cycled and the day continued. I watched my own video several more times and then I saw the same kid catercorner across the gym. He started coming toward me until I looked up and looked at him and he changed direction and left. By now, he had my curiosity in that this must have been a kid with a problem or he had a friend with a problem - it was just getting weird.

I saw him from the other corner start toward me but this time, I caught his eye, pointed at him and motioned him over. As he shakily made his way to the table, I thought I was steeled for anything. He got about 3 feet away from the table and blurted out in one breath "...I want you to know that tomorrow morning, my dad will celebrate 8 years of sobriety in AA and I'm really proud of him..." He just wanted to thank AA.

Turned out to be one of my best AA service gigs ever...

I love AA

Ed

Spring snow/changing plans...

We got thumped by a storm that's all over the news today - we even rated a national segment on NPR. Frankly, it's neither the apocalyptic storm that was forecast (or was portrayed on the report) or really any big deal. These storms come in the spring and they do more good than cause problems. We all seem to forget every year that Colorado gets ~80% of its snowfall in March and April - so, it's always big news each year. I think that we just need to get excited about something...

For crying out loud, it's supposed to be 70 again on Monday...

Anyway, my point is that a couple of the service meetings that I was supposed to participate in today got canceled. No big deal in that I can always find something useful and fun to fill my time with - in fact, probably 100 different things.

But, I'm reminded of just how inflexible we drunks, as a class of people, seem to be. I sobered up in early December and can still remember some of those meetings that 1st winter thinking how narrow some of us are - it seemed like every turn of the weather was taken personally by one drunk or another. You'd thought that each change in temperature was God's direct punishment or reward for one particular drunk or another.

In the course of canceling one of the meetings for today, one chair called me no less than 3 times (I think she'd called each of ~6 of us as much) , emailed me 3 times - you know, there's just nothing in my life today where I'm that important or that deserves that much stress or consideration. I finally was, I think, a little abrupt with her and just told her that there was no right or wrong answer, that she could hold the meeting and I would be there or reschedule it and I would not hold it against her.

I think the principles for the day might be: humility, willingness...

I love AA...

Ed

Sleep would have been a good idea...

When I looked through a few of my regular blogs that I follow this morning, I get that I'm not unique in not getting enough sleep last night. I see other folks not sleeping due to health problems, sponsee issues, insomnia - whatever. One more time the lesson is that I'm just not unique in getting less than my needed and wanted 7 hours minimum last night.

My excuse might be a little more silly: I'm working on a really interesting web project that just grabbed me - I'm training some folks on the software today at 2pm so I just had to make a few little improvements which broke everything and, well, you can probably guess the drill.

This is really old behavior for me: putting stuff off, then expecting a heroic effort to pull the mess out of the fire. I had a sponsee suggest to me that this is more human nature than just my character defects: that, as hunter-gatherers, we were more effective as hunters when we were a little hungry on the hunt. That adrenalin might be my drug of choice today is hardly unique in my circles of the fellowship.

I would like to be different: I would like to have done this work 2 months ago when I'd intended to. That everything in my life would be in it's place when I reach for it. That I would have the humility to not commit to more than I can possibly accomplish.

It's nice to have ideals toward which I can aspire from the place that I live now - in the mean time, it's also nice to realize that I'm not alone...

I just pray to God that I remember the consequences of this groggy head the next time I put myself in this position...

Thank you God for lessons...

Ed

Rules...

I just noticed that this is post number 45 on this blog. At the meetings where I sobered up, they had some rules that I thought at the time were sacrosanct:

• you didn't share (only said your name) for the 1st 30 days of sobriety
• you didn't chair a meeting until you had 90 days sober
• you didn't date until you were a year sober
  
• you didn't sponsor until you'd worked the 1st 9 steps
  
• you didn't drink between meetings
• ...
  

Well intentioned as they were, at the place I sobered up, rules were a shorthand to deal with new folks like me and maintain some order amongst newly recovering drunks who always seem to foment more drama than recovery.

While I managed to break a fair number of those rules, I truly tried to follow them because, probably more than anything, I was desperate to "fit in" - I didn't want to fail AA like it felt like I was failing everything else in my life... I'm not sure I was even all that motivated to stay sober - it was just a desperate need for you to like me and for me to belong.

When I was allowed to chair my 1st meeting at 90 days sober, I remember I prepared for weeks on a generally intellectual sort of topic on the "meaning of the Serenity Prayer" - one long-timer leaned over and said in a voice that he was sure I would hear said: "...90 days sober and he's going to tell us how to rewrite the G-D serenity prayer!!!" I was crushed, but also realized the absurdity of my and his perspectives...

3 years later, I moved to the community where I live now and their attitude was generally that "AA had no rules" - that our program was "suggested only" - you were as likely as not to step into a discussion meeting and find someone right out of detox chairing. I longed for the days of those rules that I found so painful to follow or put up with...

So, it has been interesting to me to mark the similarity of the past 45 days in how I feel about writing this blog - I so very much want to "fit in". I want to say the "right" things, the "right" way. I want someone to read what I say but not be critical. I want to "belong". I want to offer comments that are encouraging and useful. I want my articles to be clear and interesting.

In a word, I'm a newcomer - trying hard to "fit in" - and, I'm loving it...

Funny - 25 years later and I still get to learn the same lesson all over again. I think the good news is that I'm clear that, in the over all scheme of things, the best I can be is useful. The worst that I can do is let my ego get the best of any praise I might receive.

Ain't life a hoot?

Ed

Happiness on tax day...

Sometimes I just crack myself up. Yesterday was a great example.

It being 4/14, it was time to file taxes. You must understand something about me (us - my wife's in this too) to get the joke. I had a 6-figure income in 2002, was laid off, and I've had a negative income since. So, if you feel bad about paying your tax bill this year, let me tell you that I long for the day again when I can again pay income taxes because that will be the first sign that we've got an income again.

There's a long story about that but that's not what this article is about...

So, it's not critical that I file early or by 4/15 in that I know they've already collected the penalties I owe on the 401k's that we cashed early and that the taxes will net to 0 or we might get a few pennies back - either way, we' cool with the tax man.

But, filing taxes is not my favorite thing to do - we have a business and I need to reconcile several accounts, find some paperwork, do the stuff that, for me, amounts to looking at the past year of failure and shame. (again, another long article someday...)

So, on 4/14, I'd set aside a few hours (just because I'm not making money doesn't mean that I'm not super busy...) to pull things together to file those dreaded tax returns.

The time came and I started on my task - after 2+ hours, I couldn't find the software I'd bought months ago to do the taxes...!!!???

I fell out... (laughing-wise...)

OK, after writing this long about it, it's not as funny now as it was then (and probably not funny at all to you - sorry...) but it was just so perfect - all my character defects running fully amok around something I really hate but am willing to do - and then, my "grand plans" fall on their proverbial noses, due to those same character defects...

Today, 4/15, either the software will show itself or I will pull the extension form off the IRS web site (if you can get to it this year...) or I will re-purchase said software...

And, life will go on...

(sorry, it seemed much funnier yesterday...)

Ed

Plugging along...

I had an aunt who, regardless of what was going on (she was happy, she was sick, she was in the hospital, she was at church), when asked how she was she would always reply "just plugging along". She had a personality we used to call "perky" - always moving, always something to do with her hands. It seemed to serve her well to have this stock answer as, when her Alzheimer's progressed, she simply gave that same answer regardless how confused or afraid she was. I used to think that it was a silly thing to say - that it really related no real information about what was going on in her life or what she thought.

Last night, we had a meeting on the 3rd Concept and "Right of Decision". It was painful and cathartic for me in that I relived some of the unresolved stuff I wrote about a few weeks ago in this blog (AA Service, A new...) as I developed my thoughts and perspectives on that event. It was suggested to me that I wasn't "portraying a very positive view of AA service".

I think I just realized the disconnect...

I get it that I do this stuff (life - but including AA service) because my life depends on it and it is a privilege and an honor and that it's only by God's grace that I get to be useful anywhere in my life. My best efforts led me to wreck multiple families and wish for oblivion.

So, "plugging along" means "my life is fine" - "beyond my wildest imaginations". That, if my feelings are hurt or I'm sad or I don't get what I want, it's because it's perfect. It's wonderful! Really!!!

"Plugging along" is so much better than any of the alternatives I've engineered in the past that there's no comparison.

Thank God for one clear thought at a time...

Ed

What you pay attention to...

I've been focusing on and looking specifically for conversations about AA principles for about 7-9 months now.

I have been shocked at how much the conversations in and around AA seem to have radically changed toward being focused on and about our principles. There are few possible explanations for this phenomena that come to mind:

1. everybody is suddenly on the same page as me - all of AA having reached the same plateau of enlightenment at exactly the same time as me
2. I finally started hearing what everyone has been saying all along
3. some combination of the 2...

As hard as it is for me to imagine that I could have been so wrapped up in myself that I would not have heard this dialogue for ~25 years, I'm sure that's at least some of what has happened. When you read early writings on and about AA (e.g. AA Comes of Age, Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, etc.) clearly they had a handle on the fact that "practicing these principles" was a lot more than a slogan to wrap up the essence of the 12 steps.

In fact, they saw it as the core of how people were staying sober. I've been working on a couple of articles on another blog (What is a Principle (Definition)?, What are OUR principles?) and am having a powerful realization exactly how my ego-driven old ideas are reluctant to let me change.

But I digress - the really interesting thing to me this morning is how the world in AA looked one way (selfish people off working their selfish programs as best they could...) about a year ago and, today, I find a whole community of folks at meetings, the blogosphere and beyond who are really signed up to live lives as recovered alcoholics in accordance with the principles they've aligned with as a result of a spiritual awakening.

Amazing...

More is being revealed...
Ed

New beginnings...

I know, it's trite - hackneyed - a cliche: an Easter article about starting over - Creating anew.

But, I gotta tell 'ya - the principles I'm most pointed toward today are hope and renewal.

Partly because it's so hard to come by for me - I have been awash in my character defects of late and watching my life and my spirit get sicker as a consequence. Partly because of the state of the economy and my little part of the world - it doesn't take much attention (at meetings, coffee shops, work discussions, the grocery store, family gatherings) to hear stories of sadness and fear as a consequence of the world's current state and the resultant destroyed plans and dreams. Partly because of new possibilities - I really like almost everything new coming out of the Obama administration and the whole spring season upon us.

For all those reasons and many more, I'm a great fan today of "let's start this baby over!!!" Let's really get rid of all that old crap and begin anew...

I also think it's nice that it's Easter. When I was a Christian, it was one of my favorite times because of all that it represented in that set of beliefs. While I may have left that faith, I certainly applaud the need for redemption through God's grace and the story of the resurrection is as good a representation of that as any for today...

I wish us all a happy day - let's seek and celebrate new beginnings this and every day...

Love,
Ed

Am I different...?

At an AA workshop/gathering recently, someone threw out the topic "...are alcoholics different than other people?"

As with most topics of this sort, the authoritative answer at the end of a lengthy discussion was all of:

1. Yes, definitely
   
2. No, definitely
3. Of course, obviously
4. Not at all
5. Only as pertains to drinking alcohol
   
6. We shouldn't care

I found that 20 minutes into this discussion, I was pretty much neutral on the topic. On the one hand, I find it irresponsible and irrational when folks in a meeting excuse all sorts of behavior and thoughts on their alcoholism or "alcoholic thinking". On the other hand, when I hang out with family or non-alcoholics, I find that I do see the world differently. On the other other hand, when I'm working with new drunks I find all sorts of identification with their strange ideas and thinking (at least what it used to be like for me). On the other other other hand (OK - I'm done with that now), I hardly recognize how I used to think - what my priorities used to be - the way I used to make decisions.

So, I don't know that we alcoholics, as a class, are different or not. What I do know is that I'm different than I used to be and, based on a "...daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition...", I will continue to be different and grow.

Thank God...

Ed

Hanging in there...

Today, I'm just grateful (ok, this blog will probably eventually devolve to a bullet list of gratitude items like Scott & others, but not yet...) to get something cast out into the blog universe.

I have posted 25 articles, Mary has posted over 1,300 - I don't know if I will ever get there but, well, one article at a time?

The best that my life is now is that I acknowledge that I have been given the grace to get one foot in front of the other - to make a little progress on some part of the long and ever growing list of items that are the places I've discovered where I can be useful today.

What a gift!!!

Ed

Desperation, Sickness, Willingness...

I have a sponsee who I've met with at 6am on Thursdays for nearly 2-1/2 years. We've made it all the way through to the 9th step, he got in trouble with some prescribed drugs, got distracted by a new potential lover, got distracted with other programs, drank, made it back - you know, the usual path. ;-) I don't play much with my sponsees' drama, but he's one who many of us have shook our heads over for many, many years (before and since I've sponsored him).

At this point, I seem to be sponsoring several folks who are newish in sobriety (2 months to 2 years) and all are finding it increasingly difficult to show up when they say they will (they are sick, have car problems, oversleep - if you sponsor folks, you've probably heard it).

Anyway, this post is not about them but a general observation of how the principles of willingness are supported from a platform of desperation and surrender. This seems to be where the factor God's grace makes the difference - some seem to get it, others don't.

Anyone - me, their families, friends, employers, themselves - anyone can look at their lives and point out:

1. What a mess their lives were a short time ago
2. How much better it has become so quickly by not drinking and taking spiritual actions

Yet, if you've been around a while, you've seen the story. I've felt so desperate for them at times that I could shake them, beat the crap out of them, cried over them and with them - but somehow, my desperation doesn't make them any more willing...

One more day of prayer for them...

Ed

Alive

I went to a concert last night. Each year in our community, some folks loosely centered around the university hold a "Conference on World Affairs". It has an interesting, eclectic, highly varied program on politics, world issues and the arts. All the presentations and panels are free. One of the features of the program is a jazz concert (also free) which has never disappointed me.

We went last night and it was an amazing and singular performance. Given where my head's been at the last few weeks/months, I was curious as to what happens when that rapport between the musician(s) and the audience really creates something extraordinary. I suppose when Steve performs or Scott creates art, they are really in touch with something they can interpret for and share with all of us.

So, as I took a brief journey in my head last night, I was aware of the power of the performers' humility - that their generous and intimate sharing resonated with something that made all of us larger than we are.

I've not spoken at many large gatherings for AA, but am aware that it's much the same experience for both the speaker and the listener as this sort of performance - as we share, intimately, a story of our lives, we each become larger and better than we know ourselves to be. The little I have shared and the several folks I've known who do travel and speak a lot have shown me that there's a huge price paid for standing in front of a bunch of drunks and relating - I've observed a similar price paid by my daughter and other talented performers and artists.

Yet, we share - we participate - we grow - we are touched and we become larger than ourselves as we had defined ourselves.

No wonder I'm so afraid of this - of living. I know I have to let go and let the process take me where it will. I have to surrender and trust that where I wind up will be better than where I am now.

It always is.

This morning, I love life.

Ed

Insanity...

I've heard many "definitions" of insanity in AA meetings. Funny, we sober up and we all seem to think we get to make up our own definitions but that's another article...

One of the best I and most familiar definitions I hear is "...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results..." (did Albert Einstein really make that saying up?)

We had a meeting yesterday on Step 2 - I guess you could call that AA's "sanity clause" (come on, you knew there was a sanity clause...)

Sanity, from dictionary.com is:
1. the state of being sane; soundness of mind.
2. soundness of judgment.

Sane is:
1. free from mental derangement; having a sound, healthy mind: a sane person.
2. having or showing reason, sound judgment, or good sense: sane advice.
3. sound; healthy.

Not me - 25 years ago...

Today, pretty much me...

Thank God for grace...

Ed

Prayer and medication...

One of the perennial jokes in meetings I've attended is the "slip" of the tongue I've heard more than once of "...through prayer and medication..."

I was at a meeting the other day on the 11th step and this inadvertently came up as part of the topic - that, in fact, I used to seek god (or at least numb out the reality of the moment) through medication. It worked pretty good for as long as it worked - in fact, it may have saved my life to not have to really face up to the pain I was constantly in.

However, it stopped working at one point and then I needed a different solution. Being among the brightest bulbs I know, I needed to drink for another 22 years to become willing to find the solution available in AA.

One of my favorite sentences in the Big Book tells me specifically why I have to adhere to this path and others can live their lives differently. It explains it completely:

"With us it is just like that." (p. 15)

Since I've gotten clear about this in my own life, I love to read through this section with sponsees. It seems pretty clear that, if this isn't a sufficient reason and explaination, they might not have learned enough about the nature and depth of the powerlessness they have over this disease...

Just some thoughts...

Ed

Getting what I deserve...

Recently, I was asked how I was doing. I get that, in most occasions, this is just an acknowledgment of one's general existence in the room - people seldom (if ever) expect or want a full report.

For some reason, though, this time I responded with something I'd not said recently (used to be what I'd say all the time). I said "...better than I deserve..."

I say that because:

1. It's true
2. It reminds me that no matter how sorry I am for myself (seems to be a lot of that around some days), my best efforts resulted in something worse... My best thinking qualified me for AA.
   

The person I was talking to pointed out to me the higher truth that had been pointed out to me before (and was probably the reason I stopped saying this trite thing for a long time): it's simply not true - that, I what I've got is exactly what I deserve.

I hope I'm not the only one in this community that's noticed the many paradoxes in the program of AA. This is one I hadn't worked through in a long time:

1. I am sober only by God's grace
2. Everything in my life (regardless of my judgment as to whether it is good or bad or neutral) is there for a purpose - i.e. I not only deserve it but it's perfect for me.

I guess I'll just have to go back to saying "fine" when people ask how I'm doing...

Ed

Wisdom...

Syd said something on a comment to me yesterday that complimented my "wisdom". I had to smile to myself because being or appearing wise is so much not what I try to be about to today. Not that I"m unique (in AA or the world at large), but my M.O. my whole life has been about trying support the image of being an intellectual. Since I had 0 ability to either show up in school and participate or ask others for help and guidance, the best I could ever be in my life really was the ego-driven pseudo-intellectual that had an opinion about everything and attempted to speak at a level way beyond either my education or intelligence.

In the ultimate justice of the universe, I run into people just like who I used to be at almost every turn of my life today. I sponsor a couple of them, of course. Boy, do I know their "game" - they wonder how I can get so inside their heads that I know their motives and grand plans...

Anyway, day before yesterday, I was discussing with my sponsor some frustrations I'm having with some of my service work and the sense of betrayal I feel from people who are really close to me and refuse to honestly participate in the process after they've formed their opinions. My sponsor made me cry when he complimented my humility in the midst of this mess.

So, as a part of the "...unsuspected inner resource..." I've found in my life today, I've really got some wisdom. I'm also a goof - that's part of the path from there to here.

So, all that said, today (as best I can) I have surrendered to let God make me who he would have me be...

Interesting...

Ed

Contributing to life...

I realize in my previous article on work that I had several points I didn't quite get to.

The promise in our Big Book (p. 153) is:

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come. The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!

We're told on page 86 in our nightly 11th step review that we're to look toward "...what we could pack into the stream of life?".

So much of what I hear in AA meetings is about "what can I get". I sort of use that as a litmus test toward a persons recovery. Bad, I know, that I should judge others at all but it does save a lot of time and effort in terms of what sort of conversation we might have outside the meeting.

The promise seems to be that I get to make a contribution - that, useless as I was (or certainly felt), by God's grace I now have something someone wants and have the opportunity to "give" it.

So, that's the real point of loving my work. I get to do stuff that's challenging, interesting and entertaining that is just way beyond what I deserve or even asked for. The fact that I don't get paid much for it right now is not my biggest problem - may not even be my business at all.

I am blessed...

...thank you...

Ed

Reading...

OK - I might be breaking some sort of "rule" by double dipping (as Steve says) but I'm steamed this afternoon that people (all of us!) just don't read. I realized that most of my angst around AA service and, for that matter, my life with my family, my friends, business associates - everyone - is that they either don't read what I write (pick a venue - email, letters, proposals, articles, etc.) - or, they presume ill intent when I don't write it skillfully enough that they don't get the impression I intend as they skip over it.

In my limited time in the Blogosphere, it seems probably a full 5+% of the effort writing on articles (present company excluded, of course ;-) ) is about misunderstanding of what the blog means or what is "really" said.

...and, I think, I do the same thing (skim over tons of reading paying little actual attention or focus)...

It just dawned on me today that we have a whole culture with thousands of would-be authors who are just generating words that very few people actually wrestle to ground.

Ironically, I was asked to look at coding an application for twitter today and that just boggles my mind. I'm one of 150,000 people who is following some yahoo who sends short messages to his/her network 5-10 times a day. ...times 15 million... Wow...

I have this sneaking suspicion that they aren't reading either...

Anyway, I suppose the principles are: patience, humility, flexibility, acceptance, ... ?

I guess the real point is that I have to stop expecting people to read and understand what I write if I'm going to have any peace and serenity in my life. If I need to communicate something of importance, I just need to make sure it's communicated in a way (other than writing) that makes sense for actually communicating...

...and I just started a blog...

Might be huge...
?
Ed

Work...

I have this really interesting job where I'm learning lots and lots - the days fly by...

I'm doing web site programming - primarily javascript and PHP programming + some graphics. I've got about 5-6 sites that I'm working on now. I'm behind on all of them (work that I''ve committed to so it needs to get done) so there's a lot of pressure to get them done.

The only (slight) problem is that I'm not being paid for any of them (OK - my nephew gave me $2,500 for 2 of the sites - probably will net out to a few $/hour based on what I'll do).

I don't think this is a problem. For 56 years (really, 45 - I started work at 11), I had in my head this idea that what I do for a living is exchange effort for pay. After working my way up and down the corporate ladder, I was laid off from a $$$k job and and started my own business. I ran that into the ground (seems we could build everything but a profit) and have been sort of watching the last of my savings dwindle down the last few years/months. By the end of summer, we will be out of money from savings absent some miracle.

I know these are not the best of financial times to count on the miracle, but, the purpose of this post is that I'm really pretty much OK with my situation. I get, now more than ever, that God is really in charge. My sponsor and I have this deal when I call him whining about what seems to be this impending train wreck: "Do you have food for the day? Have you got a place to sleep tonight?"

So, career planning? Insanity? I don't know...

For now, I have more work to do, more places that it seems I can be useful, than I can shake anything at. What more could I want?

Back in the day - when my wife and I were both working (she's retired) - we had something we'd say to each other when the problems at work seemed really oppressive: "Who do you work for, anyway?" If I really do have a new employer (as outlined on pg. 63 of the BB), I'm not working for the bozo I'm having issues with anyway.

Truth is, he/she's a pretty good boss. I hope somewhere all this work earns the money he/she has determined that I need.

I believe we'll be just fine...

For at least another 24 hours...

Ed