Lists...

I started working with a new sponsor about 2 years ago. This was after my sponsor for ab0ut ~15 years fired me when I was at one of my lowest points in sobriety but, hey, I'm over all that now...

Anyway, since he's a long distance sponsor (not recommended but how it worked out for me), it took us several months to develop much of a rapport or comfortable way of checking in on the phone.

During this time, my life was aflame and I was (nearly) completely frozen and unable to show up in any way I thought was responsive to the pack of wolves who seemed to be constantly howling at my door. I was working my program as best I could, showing up as best I could, doing all the stuff I know to do but was absolutely stuck - if you've been around a while, you probably know the place: "...yes, I know I said I would do 'X' and had every intention to do 'X' when I got up this morning and, well, it's now the end yet another day and 'X' is still not done..." What 'X' is, really doesn't seem to make much difference in my life - could be write a 4th step, apply for a job, make a phone call, take a walk - stuck is stuck.

It was a bad time...

So, I went to an inspiring AA conference, got my legs under me and had a new spiritual experience and great enthusiasm and decided what I needed was a new "accountability". I would make myself wholly accountable to my sponsor (actually, a surrogate since he was too busy at the time to commit to multiple phone calls a day...). I created a list of goals and pinned them down to dates and was ready to begin my life anew.

I remembered that phone call yesterday when Syd made a comment about lists on my blog article of yesterday...

Me: "I called to make sure you got my emails of goals and accountability for the next few days"
Sponsor: "um, yeah..."
"So, I know it seems sort of simple but I just thought I would start out slow and as I get my stride back, I can expand my goals and commitments as necessary..."
"(silence)"
"So, I will create a web site where I've got all these tasks lined out and you and ____ can verify what my progress is each day..."
"(silence)"
"...so, as I see it, each one of these tasks will be traceable and I can see my real progress on the several area where I've been stuck for the last few months..."
"(silence)"
"...eventually, the web site could look sort of like a project management system where the critical path of my life can be progressed as each task is completed..."
"(longer silence)"
"........so, I'm really excited about getting my life back into some kind of shape..."
"(really long silence)"
"(silence)"
"(indefinite but probably infinite silence...)"
"So, do you have any sort of thoughts about this...?"
"Well, I'm thinking about what we talked about the difference between a spirit-led life and 'trying to wrest satisfaction from life by managing better...' "
"Yeah, but..."
"I was thinking about the difference between being spirit-led and ego driven..."
"OK..."

A little further in the conversation...

"So, there's not going to be a list of tasks, huh?"
"nope."
"There's not going to be a daily check in for accountability?"
"Only with you and God in your nightly review..."
"Probably not really a need for that web site or anything like that..."
"nope."

He might have saved my life...

Ed