Fear and ....

I had a long chat with my sponsor last night.  It truly was evidence of how this thing (AA) works in my live today.

Our general subject was fear.  Specifically, my fears.  About: my finances, my work, my physical health, my relationships, my AA program, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my spirituality, my mental health, the government, our economy, our world, the climate, the weather, my safety...  I think we pretty well covered a lot of them.

Me.

Anyway, at the end of this litany, he related his experiences in early sobriety (I hate it when he does that - doesn't he know I'm 25 years past that? sigh...) and he suggested that I write a list - start into a fear inventory.

I have a sponsee that has a paper taped to the bottom of his computer screen that says (in large type)

" ... We never apologize for God.  Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do.  We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB p. 68)

There's seldom a week that goes by that I don't relate to at least one sponsee or another that process of "outgrowing fear" - the essence of coming into "being that H would have us be".

Yet, for the recent past, fear has once again taken hold of my life in a serious way.  It pretty much fully defines what I do and don't do.

Me.

So, today I'm making a list and only half-heartedly believing that the process which has "worked" the last several dozen times I've done it will, in fact, work again.

Or, at least, I think I hope so...

Fear...

I love the promise:

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. (BB - p. 68)

Sometimes, for me, this has worked almost like a drink - when I recite an incantation that's sort of consistent with the ideas in this passage, my fears are taken away.

Sometimes, it has begun as a process where it feels like peeling an onion - layer after layer after layer of fear is revealed and released and then, eventually, I find a place where it's just, well, OK.

Then, there is the real struggle. That wrestling match that seems as if my very life, my soul, is at stake and I can't make that mystical transition from fear to "being".

I wish I could choose which comes when...

This stuff doesn't happen to me...

I've been sober for over 25 years and (conservatively) have been to over 175 conferences, roundups and workshops and heard 100's of great AA and Al-Anon speakers. I'm a junky for the fantastic, dramatic stories of how God works and heals lives and provides for his children miraculously.

I can think, off hand, of at least a dozen people whom I've heard where a point comes in their story where the despair is overwhelming, the hopelessness has about claimed it's victory, and people are asking for oblivion. Then, out of the blue, they open their mailbox and there's a check that's exactly the amount of the grocery bill or the rent or whatever...

As much as I love these stories and believe them to be the God's honest truth, there's always been more than a thread of skepticism that's lead to thoughts or comments like "...or, they could have gotten a job..." or, "...yeah, right, I think I'll just quit my job and wait for the mailbox to fill up with money..." My cynical nature may not be my most endearing feature but it's been a part of my most enduring character defects.

So, yesterday, I was in a funk. Seems to be some of that going around in the blog world these days so I didn't think much of it. I was startled to realize I'm going to have to come up with $4k in property taxes this week (good God, where does the time go!!!) and I'm still not making any income to speak of and the 3-50 projects or ideas I have for income don't seem to be getting any traction and it was the anniversary of Columbine and a web site that is launching is still not "complete" and I don't like how my wife is speaking to me and I'm late with at least a dozen spring projects and my allergies are bugging me... Well, there was no real reason, I was just in a funk and in some fear.

I opened the mail and there was a check for $12,070.27.

Back when I had a title in corporate America, they gave us lots of stock options. Since they'd decided they could do that and give us titles and options instead of cash (would that I had the intelligence to have been in line for the bonuses they're doing now... ;-) ) I regarded them as the worthless pieces of paper that they are. In the 7 years since they laid me off, I occasionally get paperwork that sometimes I remember to send in, sometimes I forget and usually, if I send it in, I wind up with a check for somewhere between $.26 (no joke) to ~$12. So, when I send in the paperwork, I'm just going through the motions so that they stop sending me paperwork.

I was surprised. I felt the sob at the back of my throat.

I think what the funk really was about is the fear (based on a core, belief - a certainty), that my life is about to collapse. That, what God has done for me for over 25 years is a joke and the punchline (which is not going to be good for me, I know this) is imminent.

I think I have some lessons to learn...

As Pam said earlier, God is good...

Ed