Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Funk...

On this bright, spring morning, the colors are beautiful, the birds are singing, the sky is blue, the mountains are gorgeous, and all I can think to write about is general depression.

As I commented on Pam's blog this morning, I know this will pass - probably pretty soon. The circumstances of my life just don't support the emotions that seem to be tracking with them. I am grateful. I have joy in my life. There is much to be hopeful for. There is much to be happy about.

I really don't want to defend my depression this morning - I just want to acknowledge it, and be willing to release it. I guess that's part of what I'm writing about - with 25 years of on the AA path, great sponsorship, sponsees that I really care about, the fellowship I crave around me - I still need to create enough willingness to let go of these old ideas.

One of the meanest (but necessary) things a sponsor ever said to me was a few years ago when, after working together for nearly 10 years, he stopped, looked at me and said: "Ed, could you ever think of yourself as someone who's not depressed?" I felt as though he'd stabbed me with a knife or punched me with a blunt stick and knocked my wind out. I wanted to turn him inside out - retaliate.

Yet, I knew it to be the truth - I was truly unwilling to let go of my identity an someone who was depressed. The absurdity of the situation, constantly complaining about being depressed while hanging on to it as my basic identity, was obvious. It was the insanity, the old idea, the essence of what was keeping me sick.

Now, years later, I know how and where I must change (for today). I struggle but I think I can come up with the willingness. And then, I ask God for the grace to make the next step toward recovery...

...and then, learn the lesson of this moment...

Thanks...

4 comments:

Syd said...

Ed, there are some days when I feel really low. And then I try to think my way to being happy. I wrote some stuff about my distorted thinking today.

Steve E. said...

Ed, sometimes the opposite works, for me--I mean the opposite of what someone suggests. EXAMPLE:

""Ed, could you ever think of yourself as someone who's not HAPPY?"

Ans: "NO!"

Mary Christine said...

Sometimes the "time" we have is really not beneficial.

Scott W said...

Ah, George Clinton!