What it means...

I woke up and wasn't sure what to think about this day and this Easter holiday.

I used to be a Christian and this holiday had huge significance to me in that I believed in and revered both the fact and the symbolism of a resurrection.

It seems peculiar to me that today I truly believe more in miracles and the miraculous (as expressed by a contravention of the forces of nature, space and time) than I ever have.  So having set aside my former belief in Christ's empty tomb in my own mind, my head and my heart feel both empty but I have a profound appreciation of what the Easter holiday means for those who believe.  There's a small amount of envy felt for those who hold to a faith I once professed.

Hope.  Redemption.  Love.  All great things.

So, this morning I find myself grateful for all those things in my past life as expressed through whatever means they were taught.

And, I'm profoundly grateful for men and women of all faiths and no faith who similarly teach the value of suffering, surrender, humility, faith, hope, redemption and, love.

Mary Louise this morning wrote about character.  I still fear that my character will not be strong enough to endure the circumstances that my life holds.  I might not have the self respect and the faith sufficient to this life.  I guess we never really know for sure until we get through it.

But for today, I am grateful for all the stories and symbols of rebirth and renewal.

It's not at all surprising to me that AA members of old and today borrow heavily from the Christian perspectives of Christmas and Easter.  It was much more, in my opinion, than cultural familiarity and convenience. The metaphor for what they were seeing spring up around them in their meetings and their "work" with others could best be described as true expressions of "rebirth" and "miracles."

To Carl Jung, what I see every Saturday night at my home group with more than 100 people could only be called "phenomena." (BB p. 27)

For today, I will attempt to notice, appreciate and honor the miraculous in my life and others and see what I can do to stand with the courage and convictions of those before me.  Maybe that's the best observance I can offer this Easter.

...and, also, remember to say thank you, and appreciate that this life is not all about me...

Bidness...

I'm sitting at our Area Assembly business meeting which is one of those things that I've observed most of us love to hate.  I've certainly have hated my share of these meetings.

But, I've grown more than I can imagine in the 20 years I've attended.  As the punchline of that old joke goes, I just can't see how I could have gotten here from there, except through this path.

I hear a lot of comments from sponsees and other members about how "...those meetings are all just AA politics..." or "...I get tired of all the fighting and controversy..."

I've certainly seen more politics and fighting than I've wanted to see.

But, I sometimes wonder how everyone (including me, when discouraged) thinks AA, as a whole (meaning, outside my home group and around the world) will grow and find its way without these conversations and corrections?

So, I feel badly that people like Mary in Africa may not ever experience a meeting like this.  I feel blessed and happy that I get to be a part of this deal that is way bigger than my little home group.

I love this deal.

Quitting...

I had my regular breakfast with a delightful 20+ year sober sponsee this morning.  He'd had a particularly frustrating and discouraging weekend and, as we were leaving after his expressing his frustrations for nearly an hour, he asked me "...have you ever just felt like quitting AA?"

I had to take a deep breath because there's a short answer and a long answer to this question.  The truth is that I've been given a life beyond my wildest dreams as a direct consequence of AA.  AA really does work.

The medium-length answer is that, over the years, I've often felt like quitting AA - even knowing that it might be my death sentence to leave.  No, maybe especially because it would probably be my death sentence.  But, that's probably another article.

There are basically a few reasons I've really been ready to throw in the towel on AA over the years:

1. Early in sobriety and many times since, I would sometimes look around the room and get pretty judgmental and say "these guys and girls are all losers and hypocrites."  I still do occasionally.  Sometimes, frankly, I'm just embarassed to be apart of this family.
2. I look at what we've made AA to be - the chanting, the opinions espoused, the religiosity, the latest pop psychology - and I just hate it.  It seems foreign to me and what I knew this program to be many years ago.
3. I've felt that some members have become friends and then hurt or betrayed me.  Their hypocrisy or the way they've used me have caused significant pain.
4. It all seems like such a huge waste of time.  I spend hours each day practicing the program or attempting to be of service to others involved in this program.  It really seems like this time would be better served with making a living, being useful in my family or, just finding an interesting hobby.

I think there are many other reasons I have for quitting AA but they might also just be variations of the above. I don't think it's worthwhile to come up with an exhaustive list.

So, against that, I have some different ways of looking at these same ideas:

1. Any family has people who are more successful than others or folks who could be an embarrassment.  Heck, I've even been the one who I've known some people are embarrassed to know so who am I to talk or judge?  At my largest home group meeting, it's not an exaggeration to say there are 35-50 people there on any given Saturday night who would go to any length available to them to support me in my sobriety.  I've never had a family like that anywhere else.
2. I realize that, today, I am  responsible for what AA will be in the future.  If I don't like what it is today or its general trend, I need to become active in making it into something different.  It's part of why I became a co-founder of aarenewal.org.  It's a privilege to, perhaps, be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.  Besides, as a fellowship, we've been arguing since 1936 as to what is the "right" thing for AA - mistakes of AA leadership in the past seem much more egregious or dangerous than the ones of today.
3. In every case where my feelings have been hurt or that there's been betrayal, it's been as a direct result of my either projecting intentions or commitments that were not there or I've been attached to people being something they weren't or I've been too sensitive or taken myself way to seriously.  I can't think of any other way I might have learned these lessons.
4. For every minute I've invested in my and others recovery, I've received countless dividends.  Frankly, the world is not knocking my door down to ask for my professional contributions and my family is happy when I can be involved with them but are just as happy when I let them get on with their own lives.  The principles I've learned in AA are the only things I think that make me attractive to anyone else in my life.

So, while I have times of discouragement and despair in AA, on a good day I can see where all of those times have led me toward growth that I really could never have accomplished in any other way.  On a really good day, even my discouragement and feelings of hopelessness in AA can be useful to someone else on the same journey as I am.

Today was (is) a really good day.

What's up...

I have no real excuses for not having posted the past few days.  I just haven't made the time to do more than read and comment.  I generally seem to much prefer that to writing my own entry these days.

My life since Thursday (my last post) has been too much self and too little thought of God and others.

The activities have included:

• working on my computing environment and making a commitment to learn some things I've been skating on (just sort of not committing to really learning about and improving my network but hating the problems and patching together a framework which sort of works, some of the time) for over 2 years
• my wife had an AA deal in Buena Vista, CO (about 4 hours from here - lives up to it's name) on Saturday night and we had a gorgeous drive over there
• some wonderful folks there put us up for the night but I had to fly to NYC on Sunday morning so we had a gorgeous drive back over the mountains in a wonderful full moon early Sunday
• I arrived in NYC on Sunday afternoon and got to walk around the upper west side and experience some of what I love (the people) and what I hate (all those people in a small area) about NYC
• I interviewed for a voluntary position there Monday afternoon and learned that the fact that the interview didn't come off well had precious little to do with me - I gave, I thought, a pretty good interview but the fact that the people who will make the decision were not there (along with other factors which might weigh against me) mean I will probably not be offered the job/service opportunity - that could well be a very good thing...
• I flew home last night and got home more tired than I'd like but I will get over it

During that time, I had plenty of time and opportunity to write an article but didn't.

My life feels like it's in a (major?) transition.  I've hesitated to put this observation down in a blog article because it's felt like that for over a year now (it's part of what brought me to writing here in the 1st place).  It just seems like I'm ready to cease fighting and let go of whatever resistance I have but I can't, for the life of me and with all the inventory and honesty I can muster get to anything I can do.  Writing this, I realize I'm just frustrated - yet more manifestations of selfishness and ego.

At the very least, I'm here for now (did you notice? ;-) ) and that is all I've got.

Now, it's on to the next thing...

Thank you.

p.s. the pictures are the best view I got of midtown (I think) from the cab on the way to LGA and Union (I think) on the way out Monday night.

Participation...

I am involved in a conversation on another forum about the idea of how we support our meetings in accordance with our Traditions.  I rattled of a response on that group and was thinking of just posting that writing here when I realized I'd written something very similar to the response in an article I'd done on the Seventh Tradition here last summer.

It still bugs me that people, especially young people (in both sobriety and age), don't feel any need or desire to participate in AA - either by putting anything in the basket or by showing up and taking their turn keeping the doors open in one place or another.  More than 3/4 of those in attendance at my home group's main meeting contribute nothing (I used to be the treasurer and still can't help but notice).

My own recent situation has been that I've been putting money in the basket even when I don't have enough to cover my bills.  I also find myself participating in a number of different ways in a number of different parts of the fellowship when it seems like it would be a much  more responsible use of my time and energy to look for employment or find some way to generate income.

My motivations are generally selfish (true statement generally as well in the matter at hand), but clearly something is different from my experience and the young friends I find at meetings.  Frankly, I make the choices I make because I think my life depends on it.

Makes me wonder, many days recently, am I just a fool?

Probably.

However, in 25 years (26 next month), I've never been even close to starving and I have had a life that's beyond my wildest imaginings.  Why would this end?

It might.

Among all the things I've learned in and around the rooms of AA, there are no guarantees.

But, for this recent time, AA and the life that it's given me has been the core substance of my life.  Family, friends, my life's work, all my various modes of entertainment - they have all flowed from the source that I found in the rooms of AA.

And, they still allow me to put a bit in the basket and sometimes accept my meager talents when they need them...

What a great deal...

Yikes!!!

We are registered for the International.

We have plane reservations for the wrong days but they can be changed - it will cost us as much as the cheap fares we've paid for.

We can't get a hotel on the River Walk.

We have a few friends who have reserved multiple rooms in outlying hotels but don't have them allocated yet so I think there might be someone out there who has our room reserved for us. If you know of such a deal, please let me know. If you don't want to post a comment, please send me a private email (available on my profile).

Now, what's the principle involved here...????

Conventions...

I love conventions, conferences and workshops...

Even bad ones (and I've been to several) generally leave me feeling at least a little refreshed and glad that I participated.

So, being who I am, I often am involved in the committee. In various conferences, conventions and, workshops, I have been (off the top of my head): chair(3), coordinator(2), facilitator(3), speaker(3), treasurer(3), registration(3), program(3), solutions/special needs(2), web site(2), public information(2), hotel liaison(3), co-chair(2), media(2), entertainment(2), food and beverage(2), coffee(2) - but, who's counting...

At the state convention this past weekend, I was heavily involved and probably had one of my toughest jobs (this was why I was going to quit AA a few months back) but, it seemed to work out OK. Folks generally seemed to have a good time and the committee members are all sending around the self-congratulatory emails that we always seem to do - even after the "bad" ones.

Usually by this time (2 days later), I've reflected back and seen it as something like "...well, it really wasn't that bad was it...?" Somehow, not this time. Not yet anyway. This one took some flesh that it will take some time to heal.

In the spirit of where, in AA, "we leave no good deed unpunished", I think some folks went way over the line with me. It was personal. It was (is?) vicious. Some AA relationships I've cherished for over 20 years have been fundamentally redefined. I've been accused of motivations and actions that are so blatantly wrong to be laughable...

...except, I'm not laughing...

...not yet...

...I guess I am now.

And, I'm registered for San Antonio... ;-)

...and, I've been volunteered to participate there...

BTW - at the Friday meeting of said convention, the G.S.O. speaker said that by last Thursday (3 days after opening registration), there were over 8,000 registered for the International. One Trustee told me that the thinking is that they might sell out of 45,000 registrations in a few weeks and shut down pre-registration until they can be sure they can house and deal with everyone who wants to go. From what I understand (per said Trustee), they can comfortably deal with ~60,000 of us but might have problems with more...

Bookstore...

We have a new Barnes & Noble that opened up in our town recently. They just moved from one store to a new one the built across the parking lot from the old one. I guess the real point of the exercise was that they needed to move out of their old store so that Whole Foods (I call them Whole Paycheck) could expand.

Anyway, I had a B&N certificate from xmas, I'd not been to the new store and my wife needed something at Whole Foods so an adventure was planned.

My first impression of the new store is it seemed silly to have built a store that was smaller than the old store. Since the layout is a little different, it was hard to figure out how much smaller it was but this is a town that is big on big bookstores (we even have a thriving independent bookstore), so you'd think that they'd at least match the store they're putting in malls.

The next part was the hard part of the endeavor. The book that I was looking for was in the "Addictions & Recovery" section. I must tell you that it's been at least 15 years since I've deliberately even slowed down in front of that section in any bookstore.

A few years ago, I fell in with a set of folks who studies and reveres AA's Big Book as the only authority on Alcoholism and AA's program of recovery. As someone who'd spend countless hours in the self-help section, I'd reformed and we'd either ridicule or try to weed out any other source of recovery guidance.

I must say, I'm still mainly in that camp today...

But, someone who I respect had recommended a book that I'd borrowed from the library, it's now going on 3 weeks overdue and, I think I want to add it to my library - if only temporarily.

...besides, since I was just using a gift card, it's not like I'm really buying it, is it?

...oh, yeah...

Anyway, so here I was in the "forbidden" section in the new store and several things occured to me:

1. This section is much smaller than it was 15 years ago. Personally, I think this might be a good thing. I sobered up in the middle of the alcoholism treatment boom. At the tail end of that, it seemed like everyone was writing a book and you could go to one of our local bookstores and see a wall of recovery literature. I'm sure some of it helped some people but it also may have ruined a good many AA meetings as folks shared some experience and opinions that are not consistent with AA's principles and program of recovery.
2. Much of what is there is not only, at face value, probably confusing to an alcoholic (I'm not a "drug is a drug" kinda person), but, again, at face value, probably can support the sickness more than recovery.
3. I don't think you can get what I've experienced in AA in a book. Several of the books reinforce this by suggestions like: "go to meetings" or, my favorite, "start a meeting". You can use a book to start a meeting with other people who've read that book and, well, I guess that's sort of how AA grew... But I just have visions that many of us who could join on a path are never going to meet.
   
4. In this section, AA has pretty good support but everyone has their way of "improving" it. I guess you have to do that if you're going to get someone to buy your book.
5. Surprisingly, they did have our Daily Reflections. That was the only AAWS literature that was there.
   
6. They didn't have the book that I went after (even though their computer promised me it was there...).

So, this morning I ordered it online. In order to get free shipping, I also ordered another book that I may discard at some point in the future...

I wonder about AAWS books beyond the Big Book. I've heard from a past General Service Board trustee that we've got several (5-6?) books that have been completed and then placed on the shelf since there is perceived needless controversy over publication or that they didn't seem to meet the purpose for what they were published for. In another case, there was a dispute with the author over rights that could not be resolved.

In spite of the respect and regard I have for our Big Book (very high), I wonder if we (as AA) can or will ever be able to publish another book. Or even if we should...

Just random musings on a gorgeous Friday morning...

Back again...

OK - so I guess I'm 4 for 4 in terms of intending to keep doing blog articles while I'm out of town on vacation or at a conference and finding myself not doing it. I don't think I really need to understand it or make excuses for it. I think I really need to just accept that I can only really "be" in one place at a time and just allow that I may not be blogging regularly when I am otherwise out of my normal haunts.

Lesson learned...

I really enjoy continuing to read and comment on blogs while I'm away.

It (reading blogs) seems to have solved a problem I've had for years when I can't seem to get to meetings when there are other, like-minded, folks I can share a cuppa with after a meeting can do the fellowship I crave. Even when I can get to an out-of-town meeting and, in the rare occasion when we're truly included and welcomed, they're not like we are in my home AA community. Reading and commenting on blogs regularly seems to fill some of that need.

So, I'm at odds about wanting to blog on many things this day. I think I'll try hitting the high points - some of which might turn into articles (or not) later on:

• I love the whole Puget Sound area - we made it to a few islands this trip and I think it's the one place beyond Colorado and Hawaii where I could make a home - there is that weather thing up there but I might be willing to try it someday...
• I love to fly in the window seat - still, after all these years and miles. While I've never been a true "road warrior", in one of my former lives I traveled >20K miles a year for several years. As much as I wanted to feign just being another jaded aisle-seat traveler, I still can just stare out the window for hours at 30k+ feet.
• I especially love to fly west from Denver. I'm just amazed at the landscape - the folds and tucks of the mountains and the plains. After 100's of hours observing the terrain, I still often get lost and am surprised what route I've been on.
• One of my favorite scenes is Mt. Rainier popping up through the clouds.
• I get that, as much as I love our kids and g'kids, they will get to make up their own lives and learn from their own mistakes. I'll get to love them the whole way.
• My life and the principles I live by are somewhat unique in the world today.
• I am being offered a chance to (possibly) contribute to the future of AA in a way that is exciting and scary. I wonder how much prayer this deserves...
• I am feeling "off-balance" in my life. This has been going on for months and might just be how this part of my life is going to feel. I'm accountable to my sponsor and it's generally good stuff (I try not to judge) but it just feels like my legs aren't under me.
• I should be working on filing our taxes instead of writing this. It's one of my least favorite things but, guess what?
  
• I hate how, when you open a bullet list, it just seems like it will never end...

I think this life is better than any alternative I can come up with today...

Celebrating diversity 1...

Over the ~25 years I've been in the program, I find myself sort of wandering all over the map from "they're (doesn't make much difference who they are - they are just not 'me') not doing it right" and "they're killing alcoholics" to "live and let live" and "whatever works".

There are several (many) things that I marvel about AA - paradoxes, as it were:

• we are not organized and "We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree..." BB p. 17
• we only have one program and everyone works the program their own way
• if you're not working the steps, you will not recover and the steps are suggested only
• "meeting makers make it" and no-one has ever recovered on AA meetings
• the purpose of the steps lead us to a relationship with God and you don't need to believe in God to work our program
• for some, general service work is the foundation of recovery, others claim that all those politics would lead them to drink
  

If you've been in meetings for more than a few days, you've heard several others...

My point here is to marvel a bit at what my perspectives have been through the years. I have at different times the zealot, the fundamentalist, the liberal, and, for a while, I was even indifferent.

The thing that I notice today is that so many of us have recovered from alcoholism from so many different efforts at trying to work this program so many different ways - and yet, thousands of us have definitely recovered. For many of us, it has led us back to a religion of our youth. For me and many others, it has provided a solution we could never find in our religious heritage. For sill others, they seem to do just fine with the spiritual facets of our program not expressed in any particular religion.

It's really quite marvelous...

Today, for the first time that I can remember, I truly value all the perspectives in this beautiful program. Not merely tolerate, but appreciate that it takes all of us and all of our perspectives and experiences to create this wonderful fabric, this tapestry, of recovery an hope...

What an amazing deal...

Step 5

We had a meeting last night about the 5th step. I was reminded of my 1st attempt at a 5th step in AA.

I had spent the typical (for me) 7 months + a Sunday morning whining about and finally doing a 4th step. The whole AA community where I went to meetings had gotten together and "scheduled" my 5th step because they were tired of hearing about all my schemes to get done with this seemingly never started 4th step.

As I shared some of my stuff with my then sponsor, he trotted out some of his stuff and we had a great time of sharing...

...some of my stuff...

I had, in fact, some things that I really didn't want to share with my sponsor. While I think he really intended to be a closed-mouth friend, he had his own "issues" and, even today, I think it was a good instinct to not take these particular parts of my past to him.

It was probably also not such a good idea to complete my 5th step with the particular Episcopal priest/friend that I did. As I related to him what I was about (my purpose there) and revealed those things I was so embarrassed about, he took the time to explain how I probably wasn't really an alcoholic. That, in fact, he was pretty sure I drank less than him. And, it seemed I still had some standing in the community and he'd seen "real" alcoholics and proceeded to try to talk me out of my membership in AA.

Of the several 5th steps I've taken over my 25 years in the program, this was the only one where I was offered a drink as I was leaving.

I suppose I was not the least bit surprised when he ran into trouble with his parish a few years later and was asked to leave. Last I heard (several years ago), he was living a somewhat tormented life on the coast of Maine.

I stayed sober and my spiritual walk has improved over time. I've always been amused by this part of my sober walk.

More proof that God, not me, is in charge of this deal...

Philip 2 ...

So far (2 weeks today), Philip, the drunk that was delivered to me from detox has been a stellar example of someone who expresses willingness. He's called me every day (sometimes several times to reach me since he can call out and I can't reach him by calling in). He was delivered to and from a coffee shop to start into the steps, delivered to my home group on Saturday - he's doing the deal like his life depends on it.

But, consequences can be a bitch.

He has stomach ulcers and a hole in his stomach (isn't that what stomach ulcers are - holes?) that are going to require surgery soon. There's no question that his health problems are a direct result of his drinking habits.

Yet, he's already seen how major discomfort and life threatening illness is not enough to stop the idea of drinking - even given the most seemingly trivial excuse for drinking (his feelings were hurt...).

I realize that, by comparison, I don't have any problems today.

I am one seriously blessed dude...

Philip...

The funniest call I had last week was a call from Philip.

He called me out of the blue last Thursday from our local detox. A member of my home group had been at a meeting in this detox on Wednesday and given my name and number to him as a "sponsor".

Philip is in a new program that they have at the detox where they try to transition folks from jail back into the community by connecting them up with "real" support such as getting them engaged in the AA community as opposed to just handing them a meeting list.

As Philip was explaining his situation and I was talking some about AA, he seemed willing and interested and sober. I was tied up or out of town Thursday and Friday but asked him if he could get out to go to my home group on Saturday.

He said that he could get a pass as long as I was going to meet with him (his case worker called to verify our plan) and they'd put him in a taxi or give them bus tokens to get there.

I was amazed! Damp drunks delivered right to your door or wherever you wanted and then picked up and returned when you're done with them. What a service! I've always had to go get them and then try to get rid of them when you're done with them.

I've mused on this all week: "...gee, I'm feeling a little low today. Maybe I should just call the detox and see if they can drop off a drunk for an hour?" It seems like maybe God has found a way to truly bless those of us in AA without our having to venture to hospitals or sordid places...

Anyway, Philip and I have met a couple of times and talked on the phone every day. I know more than he does that the odds are definitely against him but I see the miracle of awareness starting to dawn on him.

I just love my life...

Depression...

I remember a few years ago when I was about 15 years sober, I was traveling on business to New Jersey as I did several times a year. It was an entirely un-remarkable trip. I had an intention that I would check into my hotel and head out to an AA meeting in Red Bank that I got to occasionally. I was feeling sort of down but that was not unfamiliar with that in that I was overwhelmed and feeling inadequate in several areas of my life.

As I unpacked and changed in preparation for heading back out to my meeting, I turned on the TV and what happened to be on was an ad from a hospital chain (Charter?) that talked about "chronic depression".

The impact of that ad on me was profound! At long last, I found that these folks really, truly understood me. It was absolutely clear to me that I was "chronically depressed" and that my life would only make sense if I could cure that malady.

I still remember thinking: I have to call my wife! I have to call my AA sponsor! I need to check into this hospital immediately! This was truly a wake up call and immediate action was demanded!

Then, I had another thought...

I knew that this particular program on the TV was quick to hand out Prozac and other pills - that I'd known folks and sponsored folks who struggled with dealing with balancing medication and a spiritual program of action. I looked at where I was in my life and realized the fears that were causing my depression were selfish and familiar - my sponsor and I had been discussing them for a number of weeks.

So, I went to the meeting and had a good laugh at myself.

I seem to have a stable of sponsees and AA friends now who are enmeshed, to various depths, with depression and despair. I can't think of an area of our program where I feel more inadequate to share my experience or offer advice. I just make it clear to sponsees that:

1. I'm not a doctor - the only worse medical advice they'll get from what their head offers them is proscription from "Dr. Ed"
2. There are sometimes real, medical and biological reasons for depression that can and should be treated medically
3. Regardless of whether they are on medication or not, if they are alcoholic of my variety, they need to plug into AA (or some other solution) to work on the problem of alcoholism.
   
4. Life on a spiritual path is not always about feeling wonderful - but that a wonderful life is available, regardless of how you feel

It's been my experience and observation that healing from alcoholism is not necessarily evidenced by absence from depression or emotional (or physical) pain. We have our co-founder Bill's experience to support us on this assertion.

To AA friends (not sponsees), I will often just listen and possibly share my experiences. I try to steer clear of any advice other than "...have you discussed this with your sponsor and, possibly, your doctor?"

I have been advised by lots of folks that are in and out of AA to see a psychiatrist about my depressions (sometimes they get pretty bad). I've gone to therapy a few times in my 25 years. Sometimes, my therapists/doctors have suggested medications. When I discuss my reluctance to take medication at that time (I've never said I'd never take any medications - I think that would be silly...), they've appreciated my concerns and have been willing to try something different.

I think I might always struggle with depression. A few years ago, the cruelest thing a sponsor ever said to me was "...Ed, have you ever considered yourself as someone who doesn't have depression?" It seemed cruel at the time because I had, in fact, taken my depression on as an identity. Today, every day, I have to remind myself that God can heal my depression and that, some day, I might not have depression in my life.

That's not today, but I do have hope...

Feeling mushy...

It has way more to do with my allergies and dealing with constant sneezing and hacking with them (I'm SO tired of explaining that it's NOT the flu - ANY kind of flu...) than any sort of great spiritual experience or growth but I find that I really hate that feeling that I used to work so hard to perpetuate. Sort of numb to the world. Sort of groggy. I'm sick of people assuming I just got up when I answer the phone or looking at me like I'm trying to kill them when I sneeze. It's just allergies!!!

But, it's my experience and I suppose it is about spiritual growth so I guess I'd best learn the lesson(s) that are in front of me.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, in my heart of hearts, I still pretty much presume that I'm going live healthy (body & mind) forever. Apart from my own little infirmity now, I have a sponsee in the ER this morning with a blood clot in his leg, another sponsee who witnessed a fatal car accident yesterday, a sister-in-law transitioning to late-stage COPD, an aunt who died after a 15-year run with Alzheimer's - it's not like I don't have immediate, glaring examples of how thin my lie (living healthy forever) is.

I'm reminded of a corporate sensitivity training a few years ago where I learned that those who are chronically disabled often refer to the rest of us as "temporarily-abled" in that, statistically, it's likely most of us will need some level of accommodation for handicap for some part of our lives before they plant the grass over our remains/ashes.

It's just allergies!!!

But, I'm reminded I'm among the large set of folks who don't have health insurance today. If I were in my sponsee's position this morning, I suppose I might die before it could be ascertained that they could admit me by bankrupting us and taking our house equty. Or, whatever...

It's just allergies!!!!!!

Anyway, I think the principle of the moment is about gratitude that I can learn something, even with a mushy head. That I am responsible for looking for an opportunity to contribute in my life today. I am responsible for mainting the cadaver the God has entrusted me with but that my over-all health and well being is not going to be an outcome that I get to totally control.

And, today I'm just fine...

Allergies...

If you'd asked me 3 weeks ago, I would have told you all about how I was finally (after 56 years) outgrowing my allergies.

I normally sleep well. I am a championship sleeper. I can sleep the whole night through most anything. I love to sleep. Sleep is one of the things I do best and enjoy the most.

Last night, I was reminded that my allergies are not gone. Usually, about the time I start working outside in the spring, we have some killer lilacs that just hate me. I hear them chuckling out there in the yard now as they carefully lob their deadly pollen at me.

My wife bought some new allergy herbs last week. I'd been taking them the past few nights and all seemed well until last night when, at 3am, I woke with the sinus headache and blocked sinuses that reminded me "...while your allergies may not be the same as they were a few years ago, ya still got'em". After getting worse and worse for about an hour, I got up at 4 and took another batch and got another hour sleep before the alarm rang.

I love Silkworth's theory of the phenomenon of craving being like an allergy for the alcoholic. A medical guy I sponsored a few years ago said the definition of allergy was an "abnormal reaction". I understand that metaphor of craving real well from my experience. Another medical guy with heavy credentials "in addictions" told me that the whole allergy/phenomenon of craving thing is not what really happens medically. Makes no difference to me - I can easily relate my experience to what Silkworth describes and it is an abnormal reaction - something the high-powered medical guy could not relate to since he'd not had the experience. Interestingly, he couldn't relate to his daughter either, with her 10+ years sober in AA, and the whole thing just made him mad. In his opinion, AA was just wrong... The message to his daughter was that she should get out of AA since it was so wrong. Imagine...

Intersting as well that Silkworth had the forethought to describe our experience as a theory. In the Big Book we state: "The doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us. As laymen, our opinion as to its soundness may, of course, mean little." We (I) don't take a position on the theory - I just say that it adequately describes what happens when I take a drink that seems different when someone else takes a drink.

...like lilacs...

My wife loves lilacs - they're pretty this time of year and they have a nice fragrence. I like them too. I just can't sleep when they attack me. She gets by fine. If she had her way, we'd strip the lilac bushes and put their blooms all over the house. She has done this in the past - when she wasn't particularly sensitive toward my feelings or needs.

Anyway, I'm grateful that I can live without booze today - that's true by God's grace. I'm grateful that lilacs only torment me for about another 3 weeks. That's true by God's grace.

Until then, I'm grateful for the reminder.

That's God's grace...

Mom++

Happy Mother's Day to all who have birthed, loved, nurtured or helped a child of God to grow. In my less-than-humble opinion, Motherhood is a sacred position that has way more to do with one's character than it does with the biology of procreation so I find it hard to generally accept this special day sometimes. Many who we ought to be supporting and celebrating are left out while many who only used procreation as a way of developing their (for lack of a better word) character defects relish in the limelight.

Oh well, I suppose this is the way with any holiday of the sort...

My own relationship with my mother (now 87 years young), is a gift of the program of AA. I was about 2 years dry and was "stuck" in my program and life so I sought outside help with a psychiatrist. I am of the opinion that outside help is generally (often?) useful but I realize now that I was avoiding an eventual passage through AA's 12 steps - not avoiding as in completing a term paper but avoiding as in I was sure I was going to die if I did what I presumed the steps in AA would have me do. After nearly 2 years of therapy (he was very "old school" and didn't use drugs), we had a "breakthrough" where I realized 2 facts that I'd never faced up to:

1. my parents had done the absolute best that they could too raise and nurture me - a surprisingly good job given the childhood and parenting that they'd had
2. it was a pretty poor job given any of the most generous of standards I could offer

I felt free and, for the 1st time in my life, a huge burden I didn't realize I was carrying was relieved. I invited my parents into my life in a new way and I talked about the "miracle of AA" (+ a little therapy I would allow). While that was, in fact, great relief, I had no idea that I was just getting started.

I was over 5 years sober (dry) when the wheels came off completely and I was forced to really get honest and seek help inside the program of AA. It's a long story but, for the purposes of this article, at about 7 years sober I made amends to my mother and father.

Through a 4th and 5th step as a consequence of excellent sponsorship and great support in an AA community to really do the work I needed to do, I realized the most dysfunctional element in our little family had been me. Really, a me I hardly remember today, but who, for 33 years, was constantly confused (regardless how much guidance was offered me), afraid, and isolated. The only way I knew to test anyone's love was to create problems of situations that I know my parents never desired in their lives.

As, again under the guidance of excellent sponsorship, I made those amends (including financial!!!), I was completely unprepared for the result. For the first time, I had unconditional love for them as they were.

My dad died a few years after that (thank God we were "complete") and, though I wouldn't wish another day - another breath - of the physical life he was reduced to, I miss him and remember him every day. As a widow, I've watched my mom bloom and flower into the happiest I've ever seen her.

I love it when Pam blogs about her Mama - it could be a transcription from some of our conversations. Mom hides information from me to "punish" us, she is independent until she gets scared and then she can't get my help fast enough, she is manipulative, dishonest, indirect, and generally negative.

Our plan today is to plant some iris, go to brunch in Estes Park, play a round of miniature golf and hang out for most of the day. I know for a fact there will be a constant stream of negativity cast on herself, me and anyone else that some could stick on (waitress, staff, clerks).

...and, I love her so much I could burst...

Her biggest problem in her life (she'll probably tell you as soon as you meet her), is that her son doesn't come to visit often enough.

Isn't that grand?

Liberty...

(In the course of writing this, it occurred to me that some readers may not be familiar with AA's 6 Warranties. These Warranties, sometimes referred to as AA's "Bill of Rights" are contained in Concept 12 - Warranty 3 states: "that it (the General Service Conference of AA) place none of its members in a position of unqualified authority over others)

At a workshop the other day, someone mentioned the principle of "liberty" as being aligned with our 3rd warranty. This sort of surprised me - I don't think of terms like "liberty" or "democracy" as a part of AA (even though the founders certainly did...) so it came as a bit of a mind cramp for me.

I think I take the liberties offered in our program for granted - one of the many things that has come for me with longer term sobriety is I forget how comfortable those early meetings were for me. It had been a long time since I'd had someone really listen to what I'd said and understand me. Not my many problems or my drinking history or the consequences I was facing for living the life of the active alcoholic. They seemed to have "read my mail" and had way more understanding than I would have thought possible about how I ran my life and the pain that came as a consequence.

This understanding affected me at my very core.

Of course, that's not exactly the liberty expressed in warranty 3 - it expresses that there be no "dictators" in AA - that there should be no unqualified authority. This comes along with the "right of participation" that is expressed in another of the 12 Concepts.

What does that have to do with my sobriety today?

The way this outfit is set up, no one can tell me they're right and I'm wrong. I can't do that to others as well. As generous and patient as those folks were with me in early sobriety - listening to my aches and pains and problems and offering their experience and the suggestions - I can offer the same generosity to let folks run amok until their done or what they do is no longer my affair. As much as I'd love to tell them to "shut up and get with the program", what I get to do instead is offer my experience, if they want it. If no-one wants my experience (has not happened yet), I can bring it here and offer it to the blogosphere.

The promise of our Big Book and our program is that I can be useful somewhere today. That's true freedom.

Starting over...

One of the useful things I find in publishing a blog is that it provides me a place to put those unfinished conversations that I seem to have around in my head all the time. For example, I try to take my responsibilities as a sponsor pretty seriously and I find myself often reflecting on what was said, not said and could have been worded better. Many times I seem to take that to the web and inflict it on everybody (or nobody) who drops by here.

Please don't take me wrong - I get it that that all I did to qualify myself as someone who's a sponsor is drink myself to the edge of death or insanity, not die, and live a new life as a recovered alcoholic in AA totally by God's grace. I marvel that the trust that's put in me as sponsor is similar to those who have skill, intelligence and training that seem far more useful than what I have to offer but if God is God in my life and others' lives, I understand that I can sometimes be useful as someone's sponsor and that's just a gift. But, I digress...

So, I have someone who regularly comes by at 6am on Thursdays and we did our deal today one more time. He's in the familiar position of dealing with old behaviors (we're shocked that he's on his 9th step... ;-) ) and the consequences they wreak in his life. I've been working with this dude for almost 3 years now and he's coming up on ~3 months sober this time around. I've got to admit, more than once I've thought that he might be of the constitutionally incapable variety but, again, my job is to only offer what my sober experience has been.

...and that is, when you fall down, you get up and start over...

I thought I was pretty unique in the AA world a few years ago when I found the nobility and the usefulness in the Myth of Sisyphus - as I march down the hill to push the rock up one more time, I realize that my purpose is just that. I get to have all the nobility of the absurd position that I've created for myself - I get to be who my higher power would have me be. What I do is no more or no less than pushing a rock for all eternity.

No, I'm not unique - I'm just one more drunk on the bus.

...who's been given a gift that the only appropriate response for is "thank you..." - for a chance to start over and be grateful for ALL that has graced my life...

...and, that just makes sense to me today...

Ed

Sleep would have been a good idea...

When I looked through a few of my regular blogs that I follow this morning, I get that I'm not unique in not getting enough sleep last night. I see other folks not sleeping due to health problems, sponsee issues, insomnia - whatever. One more time the lesson is that I'm just not unique in getting less than my needed and wanted 7 hours minimum last night.

My excuse might be a little more silly: I'm working on a really interesting web project that just grabbed me - I'm training some folks on the software today at 2pm so I just had to make a few little improvements which broke everything and, well, you can probably guess the drill.

This is really old behavior for me: putting stuff off, then expecting a heroic effort to pull the mess out of the fire. I had a sponsee suggest to me that this is more human nature than just my character defects: that, as hunter-gatherers, we were more effective as hunters when we were a little hungry on the hunt. That adrenalin might be my drug of choice today is hardly unique in my circles of the fellowship.

I would like to be different: I would like to have done this work 2 months ago when I'd intended to. That everything in my life would be in it's place when I reach for it. That I would have the humility to not commit to more than I can possibly accomplish.

It's nice to have ideals toward which I can aspire from the place that I live now - in the mean time, it's also nice to realize that I'm not alone...

I just pray to God that I remember the consequences of this groggy head the next time I put myself in this position...

Thank you God for lessons...

Ed