Mom...

In about 15 minutes, I leave to pick up my mother.  We "do lunch" about once a week.  I don't even think about these times without reflecting on Pam's chapter with her mom last year.

My mom may outlive us all.  She's a feisty 88 years young but she's getting more frail each week and month.  She's happier today than I've ever known her in my life.  About 12 years ago, she moved from my home town (where she lived for nearly 70 years) to a senior apartment in the town where we live.  I suppose most people think she moved to be closer to me but her real reasons for moving were: 1) she was "done" with that small town, 2) she wanted to simplify her life (sell her house, etc.) and, 3) as her luck would have it, she lives on the 10th floor of a rent controlled senior residence with a gorgeous mountain view.  She's living today a life that she had only dreamed of a few years ago with lots of senior activities and a bunch of fellow curmudgeons that can always find something or someone to gripe about.

As I've pointed out in a few previous articles, we all get a kick out of the fact that, if you ask her, the biggest problem she has today is that her son (me) doesn't come to visit her often enough.  In fact, she will probably let you know that even if you don't ask her.

I have understood it for a number of years that this part of our life is not at all about me doing whatever it would take to please her.  I have a lifetime of experience and numbers of AA inventories to assure me of the futility of that.  What I get is the great privilege to do what I can to be "complete" with her.

A few years ago, a spiritual guide shared that, when he made his amends to his mom, she stopped him and said: "Son, all I've ever wanted for you in my life was for you to be 'happy'."  So, for 30 years, he stopped by her house every Sunday and was "happy" - regardless what was going on with him and his life. That's the model that I strive to follow.

My sponsor and I had a long chat Wednesday night.  We covered an area of my life where I've suffered great frustration for at least 20 years.  It is at the core of my identity.  After a thorough discussion of the truth around my frustration, we talked at some length about St. Francis.  We talked way too much for my comfort about "giving with without expectation."  We both came to the conclusion that I can't do that.  I've never been able to do that and will likely never be able to do it.  So, unless God changes something fundamental in me and my universe, it will never change - I will die a selfish death as a result of my alcoholism.

So today, mom and I will have a perfect lunch.  As is our style, we might wind up spending the whole afternoon on the quest of the next great health aid.  I will probably hear more about bowel movements and aches than I ever intended to hear.  I will get to adore her enough that she can't escape the fact that she is special and loved.

(later - couldn't finish without being late)

Our "mission" today was to have included lunch and then run an errand to her doctor's office.  Imagine our shock when after we'd successfully beat the lunch rush by getting there at little before noon, we finished lunch and realized the doctor's office was closed from noon to 2pm.  What to do?

We got 3 plastic glasses she needed at the dollar store (3 for a dollar), went to 2 grocery stores to get the pumpkin she wanted, went for a quick drive into the foothills to see the deer, got her pills at the doctor's office (yes, they're the same ones carried at probably 20 other stores in our town) and went to her place so that I could open her jars of sauerkraut and beets.  It was a pretty typical day with mom.

The same spiritual guide that I mentioned before talked about his frustration when his elderly father would have him drive all over Denver so that he could cash in his free battery coupons at Radio Shack - one battery at each store.  He never really used many (if any) of the batteries but he was the battery go-to guy for the family.  My guide was complaining about these incredible monthly journeys to his sponsor when his sponsor asked him: "...didn't he do something special for you when you were young?"  He tearfully remembered the times that he had his father drive him all over Denver to find a 10-cent comic book he wanted and never complained about the battery trips again.

Part of the ritual of these deals is for mom at some point to express how terrible she feels about taking me away from my day.  I doubt that she's really all that sincere about her regret but it seems to be what she needs to say as a part of the dance we do.

I think when I left today, mom felt a little bit special.

I hope so.

AA Renewal

I'm reluctant to post this here but it seems like I need to at least mention this on this blog for, well, I don't know - integrity?

There is a minority of folks in Alcoholics Anonymous who feel that AA may be sick as an organization and, perhaps, as a fellowship.  We are not sure what, if anything, could or should be done about it but we see symptoms of this illness in our meetings and our AA business endeavors (e.g. our service commitments).

We are not among those who feel the need to bash AA or that AA as an institution is actually harming people.  To the contrary, all of us involved in this thus far feel we owe our sobriety, our very lives to AA as it existed when we found it in that it led us to accept the grace of God and become spiritually awakened as a consequence of AA's program of recovery.

We are convinced that, if AA is to change (a big if), it will change as a consequence of people talking about what changes might be made at coffee around our meetings, at our groups' business meetings, at our assemblies and our General Service Conference.  What a few of us realized this past fall is that we wanted to have an area where we would be able to brainstorm and collaborate about what AA could do to fix what we feel are fundamental problems in our organization.

Or, perhaps what we know as "AA" today should just be allowed to disappear and that the next organization (if any) to come up will be born anew from the ashes of that old organization?

I don't know the answer.  I don't think anyone who's participated in this effort so far feels that we know all the answers.

What I do know is that, for me as a member of AA today, if AA were to pass into obscurity by, in part, my lack of action, I would wonder if "I should have done something..."  So, I am participating in this new site where we hope to be sorting out some of these thoughts.  Again, this is not a new "movement" or a set of folks who want to do anything other than seek some clarity about the hard issues we need to face and deal with as a fellowship.

Or deliberately decide not to.

So, if you care, check out aarenewal.org.  Participate and/or register if you want to.  Mention it to others if it seems useful.  Ignore it completely if it seems irrelevant or against your principles of participation in AA.

All that said, I think what I've generally been doing on this blog is completely separate from my participation on the aarenewal.org site.  While I might share my experiences as a sober member in both places, what I see is that this blog is only a reflection of my personal experience trying to apply the AA principles in an imperfect life.  That other space is a place we're trying to improve an organization we think is imperfect by applying these principles.  Related but not the same.

But, I thought some readers here might want to know something about where my head has been at when I'm not writing here...

A Lion's Roar...

I am amazed and astounded at how God works in my life.  Always.

I gave a pitch at a meeting last night and it was, well, different.  I made an oblique reference to how God has blessed the whole of my life (but, especially in sobriety) and gave specific answers to questions asked and unasked.  It seems God has always shown up with the miracle when I needed it.


So, I woke up this morning and went through the motions but was feeling fear and uncertainty as I approached my computer to maybe write an article and see if, one more day, I could find the encouragement I needed to get one foot in front of another and show up in this life.  (all you really need to know is that I'm an alcoholic that's currently in a situation of adverse, unwanted circumstances...)

As I was on the verge of fatal self pity, I read Mary at Letting Go and she had blessed me with my first award for blogging.  Of course, it was the last thing I would have expected from this woman who expresses herself so well that I sometimes just marvel that what I write can live in the same internet as her skill.  Sometimes, hers is the only place I can find on the internet to help my heart to sing again.  Thank you Mary.  You've forced my tears of gratitude one more time...

And, as I've seen you all model so well for the past few months, I now get the distinct honor of passing this award along to 6 of you to directly appreciate your efforts on behalf of myself and, perhaps, those that also benefit from your efforts:

1. To  Mary of Being Sober for having the courage and the strength to show me and many others that a presence of AA on the internet can be an extension of recovery as found in AA.  That AA principles can (and must?) be paramount in all our affairs - including the internet.  I thank her especially for keeping the blog doors open until I could get here.
   
2. To Pam of Sobriety is Exhausting. I can't think of a better award for her as I've heard her roar over the past few months through happiness, sadness, pain, sickness and, even, grief.  My deepest respect for her heartfelt, powerful, honest sharing of her experience on her sometimes difficult road of life.
3. To Syd of I'm Just F.I.N.E..  Having been around Al-Anon for 25+ years including being a member in that program for 4 years, I can really appreciate the fine line he walks in supporting that program above and apart from the drama.  I know no-one in that program that has better grasped the principles of their recovery than he has.
4. To Mr. SponsorPants who seems to have solved the problem of practicing AA principles in the difficult situation of not being an "authority" while clearly and directly answering questions that all of us have had over the years about our wonderful program.  He's a credit to AA and, even in the rare time I may not have agreed with an answer, I'm proud to be a member of the same fellowship as him.
5. To "garden-variety drunk" of Another Real Alcoholic for giving me hope that another generation of alcoholic has found exactly the solution that I've found in this wonderful program and stands as a person who will keep the doors open when my dust (bits?) in cyberspace is all that's left of my being.
   
6. To Scott W. of Attitude of Grattitude for demonstrating that a disciplined sharing of beauty and strength can be a beacon to me and many.  He's 6 years sober today, by the way.
   

What, wait!  That's 6 already?  What about Dave and Scott and Steve and....  Can't I at least also "award-back" a link to Mary LA? So many people have contributed greatly to my experience here of the past 9 months.  Oh well, maybe in another 9 months I will have another award or perhaps, instead, we'll all just comment occasionally on each others' little spaces of the bloggerland and encourage each other along the way.

I'm encouraged for at least one more day.

Thank you again....

More Mike...

I got a call from Mike's sister last Thursday.

Mike had called me on Monday and asked my opinion about 2 different detoxes. I told him I had no recent direct experience with either place - he could flip a coin.

I asked after his welfare and he said he'd been basically just struggling to the liquor store every day or 2 but, apart from that, hadn't been out of the house for about 3 weeks. He had someone who was willing to drive him to detox (but nowhere else). I wished him well and went on about the rest of my day.

The previous few weeks, he'd stopped taking my calls but I would text him when I would think of him and he'd text back something to the effect of "I'm ok but still not sober". Last March, I had hauled him home and had him spend a week with us (it was the right thing to do then...) to detox him but, the whole time he was at my house, he was using drugs...

So, I was very grateful when his sister charged his cell phone and texted me on Thursday - asking me to call. I did and she said he'd checked himself into the hospital on Monday. Seems to have been God's will in that they immediately put him into a "drug induced coma" (her words - I have no experience or opinion) and that they'd been trying to bring him out but he would get violent and dangerous when they tried to detox him. I can only imagine.

I heard from her again on Sunday that they were planning to put him into the regular ward but when I called her yesterday (via Mike's phone), the latest was that he was still in ICU as a consequence of other medical complications. According to her, they are bending the ICU rules to allow him some visitors so I plan to drop by this afternoon. She has warned me that it's not a pretty sight. I can imagine...

Mike is one of those folks who everybody assumes is just going to get this deal and stay with us for the duration. He has good looks (or did - age and dissipation take their toll) and a winning, puppy-dog personality. He was a few weeks away from having a knee replacement surgery that will improve his quality of life. The only thing he had to do to be able to qualify for this surgery was to stay clean and sober for 6 months. (Someone in medicine finally figured out that joint replacements don't work as well on drunks who stay drunk.)

Yet, he drank. He burned it all down, again...

I love our Big Book where, on page 20, it talks about how others can't understand us:

..."He could stop if he wanted to." "She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake." "The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again."...

That's Mike if I've ever seen one...

Yet, I'm always surprised at how we react inside AA when one of us does what we do. We have all the same propensity with comments like: "...well, he just wasn't working his program..." or maybe "...he just couldn't follow direction..."

Well, maybe it's none of those judgments that would make me more comfortable. Maybe he, like I, just drank because he was an alcoholic? Maybe?

I get that the only difference between Mike and me today (or any day) is God's grace. I'm a big fan of grace. It's the only thing that I've found that can explain both my precious sobriety and Mike's inability to "get" this deal.

And, increasingly, I realize there's no percentage or purpose in trying to figure out why I got something that Mike clearly needs and deserves every bit as much as I do.

Instead , the only reasonable response that I can see for me today is gratitude. For my sobriety.

...and, for Mike...

It's the only basis for hope that I have for either one of us...

Seattle serenity...

We got to Seattle last Thursday and, apart from being our anniversary, we were in the firestorm of a relationship breakup with the parents of our youngest grandaughter.

Firestorm is way much of an overstatement - they are in the politely moving to set up separate households stage (a stage I never got to in any of my divorces so it's sort of unfamiliar). It's such an amazing thing to get to be useful buying spice racks, hanging pictures, putting away new pots and pans, organizing groceries, and being positive and up beat when you know someone feels like their life is burning down around them...

Apart from that big piece of drama, it's been a wonderful visit. I only get to see the g'girls (we have 8 g'kids - 4 g'boys in the Denver area, 4 g'girls in Seattle - must be the water...) once or twice a year so it's great to hang with them and love on them if only for a little while. We know our roles well: sugar 'em up, caffeinate them, spoil 'em thoroughly, then leave. We do it pretty well.

Yesterday we spent a perfect afternoon on Lake Washington and Lake Union. Today we will sight-see in some of my favorite places on the planet. Tomorrow we pack up, say farewells and then we're home again Wednesday night.

When I think of the tornado I was in my family 30 years ago, I'm truly blessed to have this chance.

It's a pretty sweet life...

Marriage...

This picture is of my wife and I on our wedding day, 20 years ago today. Well, not really... I don't think we even used them on our cake...

I stand amazed that I've been married to this woman for 20 years. We are in Seattle visiting g'kids for a week so it's truly perfect. We toyed with the idea of doing something special for this day but realized that 20 didn't seem to be a real milestone so we're just taking the day in passing and being in a part of the world we really love with people we really love. Sometime, we will really have a bigger celebration. Between us, we've been married to somebody for over 28 years (how would you count it?) so we really think it's about time to celebrate some year..

Her name is the same as my last wife so I just refer to her as the incumbent. In the spirit of this blog, we'll just call her "J".

J does not read this blog so I think it would be a great time for me to give my best shot at marriage advice - how you can become and stay married for 20 years. If you see this article disappear, you'll know that she found me on the web ;-)

1. Meet as "boy meets girl on AA campus" - it helps if you're less sober than her and you hook up with only 9 months so you can remind her and her sponsees that she 13th stepped you...
2. Date/hang out for ~3 years and then decide to buy a house together
3. Learn that the whole purpose of children in these years is to attempt to drive you appart
   
4. Live together for a few years
   
5. Turn to Al-Anon to save your life (and perhaps J's as well)
6. Then, decide to get married when "...you can't think of any real reason not to..."
   
7. When J can't stop crying for 9 months after your marriage, decide to not take it personally
8. Get a really good sponsor
9. Talk to that sponsor a lot
10. Learn to really depend on a sponsor and a higher power with sufficient power to save both your life and your life with/or without a relationship
    
11. Learn that, not only are you always wrong, she is always right
12. Practice the principle of #11 in all your affairs
13. Notice that the same principles that work in AA can work in your marriage and your family
    
14. Never "work on your marriage" (that was the only time we nearly lost it)
15. Get closer to your sponsor
16. Accept almost every AA service opportunity offered
17. If no one offers an AA service opportunity, create one
18. Create your own home group
19. Realize that god can be in your life, relationship or no relationship, money or no money, etc.
    
20. Build an extended family modeled on your family of choice in AA
21. Be more than a little crazy - your kids expect it and your g'kids need it
    

That seems like enough for now...

What a wonderful life this has been...

Prison

My wife and I've been taking an AA meeting to prison in a nearby city once a month for about 12 years now. It's been a joy and a chore at different times but always a blessing.

This meeting used to have around 50+ folks attend (usually about 1/2 from the outside) but then we had a member stay in a service position too long and her resentful, toxic attitude literally drove off most of those who wanted to attend - both from the outside and the inside. Then it became necessary that we follow Department of Corrections (DOC) rules for security to attend and that meant that we only get 1-2 volunteers to show up.

The meeting shrunk (at one point, we only had 2-3 inmates showing up) but then we had a couple of case workers come in who felt that it would "help" AA if they would encourage the inmates to attend by telling them that attendance at our meeting would help their case with the parole board so we now get 15-25 inmates at each meeting. It's certainly deteriorated the meeting, in my opinion, to have 50%+ of those attending just be there due to wanting to look good to parole but we do, occasionally get a few admitted drunks along with the addicts and wanna bees.

Based on whoever keeps those statistics for the DOC (and however they judge them), over 85% of those at this facility are drug or alcohol abusers.

At our meeting last month, we went around the room and asked what they were in for and if alcohol was involved in their crime. Of the ~25 people there 100% (I'm not exaggerating) said they had been drinking when the committed their crime.

...and, you could see, there were still 50%+ percent who saw no direct link between their drinking and their landing in jail...

A few months ago, "Jason" took over the meeting and has been chairing every week since (we used to rotate the chair job around). He waxes eloquent until he shuts up and lets someone else share and then it's his turn again. I've been to sicker meetings but none that I've worked as hard as this one to be able to show up to.

Last night, his topic was on "willingness" - he shared his opinions about how willing you had to be and what you had to do to express enough willingness to earn sobriety for yourself. You just had to put yourself and your needs for sobriety 1st above all else.

Not my experience...

For what are probably obvious reasons, discussions of grace and surrender are often not well received with this crowd. But, I shared and we, between the 2-3 volunteers that were there, were able to offer our experience and a picture of what AA is like for those of us who are in the program. There were a couple of inmates who were genuinely appreciative of our being there. We tried to offer Jason some perspectives where he might see things differently.

We do the best we can and this, too, shall pass. The great advantage of this particular facility is that the population seldom stays more than a few months.

...but, one more time as it's been for the past 12 years, I got to leave sober and the gate closed behind me with me on the outside...

That's good enough for today...

Another Monday after...

I was at an AA conference over the weekend.

Great speakers. Great fellowship. Great encouragement along the way. Great service opportunities. Great chances to be with newcomers. Great workshops. Great food. Great scenery. Great weather. Great chance to expand my mind about some thoughts I'd been having around the general service structure a person who's served on the board.

A veritable love-fest.

Miracles everywhere. Grace abounds. Hundreds of drunks being more than they could ever be apart from our wonderful program.

Too little sleep. Too much money spent. Too much traffic on the way home.

It was a great time and there will be some consequences. I wrote about Blue Mondays in an article earlier this month. I hate the dopey feeling I get after a great conference like this - I feel like I'm moving through thick muck for as much as a week after it.

And, I can't wait for the chance to do it all over again.

I'm weird that way... ;-)

Distractions...

I find myself constantly distracted these days. I find that, whatever I'm doing, I'm constantly thinking about something else that I could be or should be doing. I'm not only the distracted by squirrels (go see the movie Up - seriously, stop reading this now and go see it...), I find myself going way out of the way to find squirrels to distract myself with.

If I can focus 3-4 minutes at a time without a distraction, I accept it as God's grace - it does happen, but it seems like I'm getting sicker around this. While, by all external appearances, it seems like I'm living a normal life but no one knows the way my head rolls (bright light! - sorry...) - I just hate that I can't conjure the focus or the discipline to simply do one thing at a time and give myself completely to that one thing.

I am always doing multiple things at the same time (download complete; reboot! - sorry...) - if I could just stop driving and texting or driving and emailing and driving and eating and driving and thinking and driving and talking - well, I'm sure my life would be improved...

From applying the 12 steps and AA principles, I know this is all about character defects and fear. Funny how sometimes it just builds up into my life to a breaking point. It seems we're about to break now.

...again...

Chop wood, carry water...

Thank God for grace...

I love this program...

Family stuff...

Families are funny things. Family traditions are even weird sometimes. There is nothing particularly cool or wonderful or anything about the family in my house tonight...

...except, I'm not blood related to any of them (except by declaration and commitment...)...

...and, I love them enough to go walk another Bolder Boulder...

This is the 3rd consecutive year of a tradition where some of the g'kids (+parents) come in from Seattle and several of us run (I walk, crawl, whimper, whine, gripe - you know, great style points...) with 50,000 of our closest buds. Think 10k of a constant party. I can't tell you how this is not like my stuff... I've even had an intention to get in shape so I can better participate sometimes - but I seem to get over that...

I'm 56 years old and have nothing going for me physically at this point except really great genetics. I don't deserve the ability to participate in this with my family but it's yet more evidence of God's grace that I can do this. Thank you mom & dad & God.

Again, I'm a huge fan of grace...

Anyway, I wish you all a happy Memorial Day.

If you are active or past military service, thank you for your service.

If you have had family who have been killed in duty, I will say a prayer for your comfort tomorrow. Small (or no) consolation, I know, but I stand in awe of your character, courage and strength.

I'm still a huge fan of God's grace...

Lists...

I started working with a new sponsor about 2 years ago. This was after my sponsor for ab0ut ~15 years fired me when I was at one of my lowest points in sobriety but, hey, I'm over all that now...

Anyway, since he's a long distance sponsor (not recommended but how it worked out for me), it took us several months to develop much of a rapport or comfortable way of checking in on the phone.

During this time, my life was aflame and I was (nearly) completely frozen and unable to show up in any way I thought was responsive to the pack of wolves who seemed to be constantly howling at my door. I was working my program as best I could, showing up as best I could, doing all the stuff I know to do but was absolutely stuck - if you've been around a while, you probably know the place: "...yes, I know I said I would do 'X' and had every intention to do 'X' when I got up this morning and, well, it's now the end yet another day and 'X' is still not done..." What 'X' is, really doesn't seem to make much difference in my life - could be write a 4th step, apply for a job, make a phone call, take a walk - stuck is stuck.

It was a bad time...

So, I went to an inspiring AA conference, got my legs under me and had a new spiritual experience and great enthusiasm and decided what I needed was a new "accountability". I would make myself wholly accountable to my sponsor (actually, a surrogate since he was too busy at the time to commit to multiple phone calls a day...). I created a list of goals and pinned them down to dates and was ready to begin my life anew.

I remembered that phone call yesterday when Syd made a comment about lists on my blog article of yesterday...

Me: "I called to make sure you got my emails of goals and accountability for the next few days"
Sponsor: "um, yeah..."
"So, I know it seems sort of simple but I just thought I would start out slow and as I get my stride back, I can expand my goals and commitments as necessary..."
"(silence)"
"So, I will create a web site where I've got all these tasks lined out and you and ____ can verify what my progress is each day..."
"(silence)"
"...so, as I see it, each one of these tasks will be traceable and I can see my real progress on the several area where I've been stuck for the last few months..."
"(silence)"
"...eventually, the web site could look sort of like a project management system where the critical path of my life can be progressed as each task is completed..."
"(longer silence)"
"........so, I'm really excited about getting my life back into some kind of shape..."
"(really long silence)"
"(silence)"
"(indefinite but probably infinite silence...)"
"So, do you have any sort of thoughts about this...?"
"Well, I'm thinking about what we talked about the difference between a spirit-led life and 'trying to wrest satisfaction from life by managing better...' "
"Yeah, but..."
"I was thinking about the difference between being spirit-led and ego driven..."
"OK..."

A little further in the conversation...

"So, there's not going to be a list of tasks, huh?"
"nope."
"There's not going to be a daily check in for accountability?"
"Only with you and God in your nightly review..."
"Probably not really a need for that web site or anything like that..."
"nope."

He might have saved my life...

Ed

Funk...

On this bright, spring morning, the colors are beautiful, the birds are singing, the sky is blue, the mountains are gorgeous, and all I can think to write about is general depression.

As I commented on Pam's blog this morning, I know this will pass - probably pretty soon. The circumstances of my life just don't support the emotions that seem to be tracking with them. I am grateful. I have joy in my life. There is much to be hopeful for. There is much to be happy about.

I really don't want to defend my depression this morning - I just want to acknowledge it, and be willing to release it. I guess that's part of what I'm writing about - with 25 years of on the AA path, great sponsorship, sponsees that I really care about, the fellowship I crave around me - I still need to create enough willingness to let go of these old ideas.

One of the meanest (but necessary) things a sponsor ever said to me was a few years ago when, after working together for nearly 10 years, he stopped, looked at me and said: "Ed, could you ever think of yourself as someone who's not depressed?" I felt as though he'd stabbed me with a knife or punched me with a blunt stick and knocked my wind out. I wanted to turn him inside out - retaliate.

Yet, I knew it to be the truth - I was truly unwilling to let go of my identity an someone who was depressed. The absurdity of the situation, constantly complaining about being depressed while hanging on to it as my basic identity, was obvious. It was the insanity, the old idea, the essence of what was keeping me sick.

Now, years later, I know how and where I must change (for today). I struggle but I think I can come up with the willingness. And then, I ask God for the grace to make the next step toward recovery...

...and then, learn the lesson of this moment...

Thanks...

This stuff doesn't happen to me...

I've been sober for over 25 years and (conservatively) have been to over 175 conferences, roundups and workshops and heard 100's of great AA and Al-Anon speakers. I'm a junky for the fantastic, dramatic stories of how God works and heals lives and provides for his children miraculously.

I can think, off hand, of at least a dozen people whom I've heard where a point comes in their story where the despair is overwhelming, the hopelessness has about claimed it's victory, and people are asking for oblivion. Then, out of the blue, they open their mailbox and there's a check that's exactly the amount of the grocery bill or the rent or whatever...

As much as I love these stories and believe them to be the God's honest truth, there's always been more than a thread of skepticism that's lead to thoughts or comments like "...or, they could have gotten a job..." or, "...yeah, right, I think I'll just quit my job and wait for the mailbox to fill up with money..." My cynical nature may not be my most endearing feature but it's been a part of my most enduring character defects.

So, yesterday, I was in a funk. Seems to be some of that going around in the blog world these days so I didn't think much of it. I was startled to realize I'm going to have to come up with $4k in property taxes this week (good God, where does the time go!!!) and I'm still not making any income to speak of and the 3-50 projects or ideas I have for income don't seem to be getting any traction and it was the anniversary of Columbine and a web site that is launching is still not "complete" and I don't like how my wife is speaking to me and I'm late with at least a dozen spring projects and my allergies are bugging me... Well, there was no real reason, I was just in a funk and in some fear.

I opened the mail and there was a check for $12,070.27.

Back when I had a title in corporate America, they gave us lots of stock options. Since they'd decided they could do that and give us titles and options instead of cash (would that I had the intelligence to have been in line for the bonuses they're doing now... ;-) ) I regarded them as the worthless pieces of paper that they are. In the 7 years since they laid me off, I occasionally get paperwork that sometimes I remember to send in, sometimes I forget and usually, if I send it in, I wind up with a check for somewhere between $.26 (no joke) to ~$12. So, when I send in the paperwork, I'm just going through the motions so that they stop sending me paperwork.

I was surprised. I felt the sob at the back of my throat.

I think what the funk really was about is the fear (based on a core, belief - a certainty), that my life is about to collapse. That, what God has done for me for over 25 years is a joke and the punchline (which is not going to be good for me, I know this) is imminent.

I think I have some lessons to learn...

As Pam said earlier, God is good...

Ed

More flexibility...

So, the storm that didn't wreak the major havoc that was predicted in our part of the state caused the meeting that I was supposed to be at get canceled and, when I showed up at another workshop instead, I was asked to stand in and do a pitch about Public Information in AA for someone who couldn't get here from Steamboat due to the storm.

It reminded me of my 1st stint in PI service. Shortly after I was elected a GSR (about 20++ years ago), I was appointed our district's PI chair. As with most (every?) job I've had in AA, I immediately set about making plans to grow the position into the most important in the district - maybe the world. I fancied getting the word out about AA to every nook and cranny of our village. I envisioned great projects of outreach with literature, speaking engagements, well, you get the idea - my ego was completely run amok.

One of the few projects that did come my way that I in fact followed through with was that our county had a middle school that was having a health fair and they offered a AA a table to set up and offer our information. I borrowed a VCR and got the new GSO PI tape titled (I think) Too Young, bought a bunch of brochures and proceeded to set up a table in the gym with the local hospitals, clinics, etc.

I don''t know what exactly I was expecting but it was for middle schoolers for Pete's sake - they had about as much interest in learning to stop drinking as they wanted to learn about, say, how to study harder so that they could grow up to be great important people. Most of the kids were polite, but had no interest at all in the old dude standing behind (or in front of) the table with the AA sign. The only thing on the table that anyone took was the comic book looking brochures from GSO - some of them were returned once they realized what they were dealing with.

An aside - what is now called "middle school" was a horrible time for me personally - I hear some people - even sometimes in AA meetings - speak with fondness of their youth. This is definitely not my experience. When I think of my time from 10-14, I think of middle school as a time of fear, confusion, inadequacy (hell 10-33 but it was worst 10-14), where I wouldn't go back to that time on a bet - I'd rather be dead than live in the space my head was in then...

So, here I was on an AA - PI gig with hordes of kids I really didn't even want to relate to and who didn't want to have anything to do with me. Who all seemed repelled at the idea of even wanting to talk about thinking about drinking...

...except for one kid...

I saw this kid the first time as he was working down the tables on my side of the gym - he was clearly aware of the AA sign and looked up at me a few times only to quickly look away. As he reached my table, it was as if he was repelled and darted out the door. I saw him again a few minutes later working back from the other direction in the gym against the flow of traffic - again, he reached the corner of my table and darted out the room...

The period cycled and the day continued. I watched my own video several more times and then I saw the same kid catercorner across the gym. He started coming toward me until I looked up and looked at him and he changed direction and left. By now, he had my curiosity in that this must have been a kid with a problem or he had a friend with a problem - it was just getting weird.

I saw him from the other corner start toward me but this time, I caught his eye, pointed at him and motioned him over. As he shakily made his way to the table, I thought I was steeled for anything. He got about 3 feet away from the table and blurted out in one breath "...I want you to know that tomorrow morning, my dad will celebrate 8 years of sobriety in AA and I'm really proud of him..." He just wanted to thank AA.

Turned out to be one of my best AA service gigs ever...

I love AA

Ed

Rules...

I just noticed that this is post number 45 on this blog. At the meetings where I sobered up, they had some rules that I thought at the time were sacrosanct:

• you didn't share (only said your name) for the 1st 30 days of sobriety
• you didn't chair a meeting until you had 90 days sober
• you didn't date until you were a year sober
  
• you didn't sponsor until you'd worked the 1st 9 steps
  
• you didn't drink between meetings
• ...
  

Well intentioned as they were, at the place I sobered up, rules were a shorthand to deal with new folks like me and maintain some order amongst newly recovering drunks who always seem to foment more drama than recovery.

While I managed to break a fair number of those rules, I truly tried to follow them because, probably more than anything, I was desperate to "fit in" - I didn't want to fail AA like it felt like I was failing everything else in my life... I'm not sure I was even all that motivated to stay sober - it was just a desperate need for you to like me and for me to belong.

When I was allowed to chair my 1st meeting at 90 days sober, I remember I prepared for weeks on a generally intellectual sort of topic on the "meaning of the Serenity Prayer" - one long-timer leaned over and said in a voice that he was sure I would hear said: "...90 days sober and he's going to tell us how to rewrite the G-D serenity prayer!!!" I was crushed, but also realized the absurdity of my and his perspectives...

3 years later, I moved to the community where I live now and their attitude was generally that "AA had no rules" - that our program was "suggested only" - you were as likely as not to step into a discussion meeting and find someone right out of detox chairing. I longed for the days of those rules that I found so painful to follow or put up with...

So, it has been interesting to me to mark the similarity of the past 45 days in how I feel about writing this blog - I so very much want to "fit in". I want to say the "right" things, the "right" way. I want someone to read what I say but not be critical. I want to "belong". I want to offer comments that are encouraging and useful. I want my articles to be clear and interesting.

In a word, I'm a newcomer - trying hard to "fit in" - and, I'm loving it...

Funny - 25 years later and I still get to learn the same lesson all over again. I think the good news is that I'm clear that, in the over all scheme of things, the best I can be is useful. The worst that I can do is let my ego get the best of any praise I might receive.

Ain't life a hoot?

Ed

New beginnings...

I know, it's trite - hackneyed - a cliche: an Easter article about starting over - Creating anew.

But, I gotta tell 'ya - the principles I'm most pointed toward today are hope and renewal.

Partly because it's so hard to come by for me - I have been awash in my character defects of late and watching my life and my spirit get sicker as a consequence. Partly because of the state of the economy and my little part of the world - it doesn't take much attention (at meetings, coffee shops, work discussions, the grocery store, family gatherings) to hear stories of sadness and fear as a consequence of the world's current state and the resultant destroyed plans and dreams. Partly because of new possibilities - I really like almost everything new coming out of the Obama administration and the whole spring season upon us.

For all those reasons and many more, I'm a great fan today of "let's start this baby over!!!" Let's really get rid of all that old crap and begin anew...

I also think it's nice that it's Easter. When I was a Christian, it was one of my favorite times because of all that it represented in that set of beliefs. While I may have left that faith, I certainly applaud the need for redemption through God's grace and the story of the resurrection is as good a representation of that as any for today...

I wish us all a happy day - let's seek and celebrate new beginnings this and every day...

Love,
Ed