Bigger things...

I had someone come by and offer me an amends yesterday.  I was musing this morning that this has not happened much through the years.  My guess is the ratio is several hundred to one (given to received) in the amends department.

I must say, in many ways it's easier to give them than receive them.

This guy had stolen from me.  Tools as well as trust and then he talked bad about me around the fellowship.  It was really sort of interesting.  I think I have pretty solid proof of more stuff that he stole than what he copped to yesterday.  I'll chalk that up to the "more will be revealed" category.  I just hope he has gotten honest enough to where he can stay sober for a while.

He's a bad drunk of the modern variety.  Typically gets coked up enough to slam some serious drugs to "improve" his work performance and then, amazingly, takes off drinking again.

So far, in addition to a lot of money and property, he's laid waste to a marriage, at least one child and, well, he's doing the dance we do.

But, I was honored that he chose me as his first amends.  Of his several times in the program and after over 4 years on a 4th step (drinking part of that time), this is the furthest he's ever made it.  I encouraged him to complete all of his amends as quickly as he can.

Around our AA community, there was a myth running around a few years ago that one could "never complete your amends."  That, living amends were really the key.  This has not been my experience.

I had an 8^th step list (agreed to by my sponsor) and, when I was able to cross that last amends off, something magical - mystical - happened to me in my reality.  I worry that not everyone who's in AA's program of recovery has that experience.

So, I encouraged him to set that as his goal.  I can remember when I used to look at my list of some 40-45 people and institutions that it looked absolutely impossible.  I guess, thinking back, it was impossible.

But, ~2 years later when I was able to cross that last name off the list, it was clear that something really, really, really, really different was going with me and the world.

I can't recommend it enough...

Fear and ....

I had a long chat with my sponsor last night.  It truly was evidence of how this thing (AA) works in my live today.

Our general subject was fear.  Specifically, my fears.  About: my finances, my work, my physical health, my relationships, my AA program, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my spirituality, my mental health, the government, our economy, our world, the climate, the weather, my safety...  I think we pretty well covered a lot of them.

Me.

Anyway, at the end of this litany, he related his experiences in early sobriety (I hate it when he does that - doesn't he know I'm 25 years past that? sigh...) and he suggested that I write a list - start into a fear inventory.

I have a sponsee that has a paper taped to the bottom of his computer screen that says (in large type)

" ... We never apologize for God.  Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do.  We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB p. 68)

There's seldom a week that goes by that I don't relate to at least one sponsee or another that process of "outgrowing fear" - the essence of coming into "being that H would have us be".

Yet, for the recent past, fear has once again taken hold of my life in a serious way.  It pretty much fully defines what I do and don't do.

Me.

So, today I'm making a list and only half-heartedly believing that the process which has "worked" the last several dozen times I've done it will, in fact, work again.

Or, at least, I think I hope so...

October madness...

I've not written a blog article for the past couple of days because, well, I haven't.

I really appreciate my time and place on the web and I particularly appreciate that folks do read what I put out there. Your participation in my life has come to mean a lot to me. Really.

However, I also know that no one on the web has suffered greatly from my absence of a few days. And, I've learned from my and others' experience that, for me, it's better to not post an article than to either attempt to write some thing when I'm particularly negative (and in the disease rather than in the solution) or force something that isn't honest and relevant.

October is generally a great month for me. I enjoy winter and I'm generally ready to let go of the suffering of the summer heat. I also really appreciate the wild swings in temperature and weather we experience. I love pumpkin pie.

But, this October, in particular, has been one long dread in coming. I have some "stuff" to take care of in the middle of the month that I have no clue how I can possibly deal with it. Frankly, my best strategy so far has been to hope for a wholesale miracle. It can happen. It has happened in the past.

But, it hasn't happened yet.

Of course, it's not October 15, yet, either...

We all know that time and seasons are these arbitrary things we make up. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this the past few days. Last October, we were given a trip to Hawaii in October and I missed the transition into winter here. I realize from her blog that ML is leaving spring and heading into summer in Southern Africa now. What a strange deal this time thing is...

I have no problems that are beyond God's grace, now.

I hope we all have a lovely October weekend...

Fear...

I love the promise:

We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. (BB - p. 68)

Sometimes, for me, this has worked almost like a drink - when I recite an incantation that's sort of consistent with the ideas in this passage, my fears are taken away.

Sometimes, it has begun as a process where it feels like peeling an onion - layer after layer after layer of fear is revealed and released and then, eventually, I find a place where it's just, well, OK.

Then, there is the real struggle. That wrestling match that seems as if my very life, my soul, is at stake and I can't make that mystical transition from fear to "being".

I wish I could choose which comes when...

Diversions...

I was struggling yesterday to write an article on the 4th Step principles when I got a call from Denver Central Office about a guy in ICU in a community hospital about 25 miles away.

Jeffry (not his name) was in as a consequence of an OD and thought he might be an Alcoholic as well. I called him and talked to him and his wife. Most of the contacts I had in that town were either busy or out of town so I figured it was only 50 miles out of my way for other errands I needed to run and it was a glorious spring day so, why not?

I arrived and heard a story that was all of the drama we talk about. Turns out, this is the 2nd OD that's put him in the hospital in a year. This time he died - they had to use the paddles to resuscitate him. His exit drug was Oxycotton. I've never done these drugs but had sponsored someone who kicked this crap about a year ago and so I could appreciate the pain and suffering (it was ~65 degrees in his room and he was sweating like a pig) he was going through.

Although drinking was a part of his deal, he was pretty clear that he was an addict. He had plugged into NA as well as made the call to AA.

His wife was there and she was an acknowledged "heavy drinker" - possibly alcoholic.

As a consequence of the drama when he was hauled into the hospital, their 2 children were removed from the family.

They thought this might be a "wake-up" call for them. They had lots of the usual questions: 'What about God/religion?" "How do I start?" "How does it work?" "Where can I go to meetings?" "What's the difference between AA and NA?" "How can I stop drugging/drinking?" "The doctor wants to prescribe some drugs for me - can I do that?" "Can I be both an addict and an alcoholic?" "How can I never drug/drink again?"

I prayed my ass off to be available to being useful. I tried to listen hard. Most of their questions I either set aside or talked of my or others' experiences.

As I said, he was a hurting unit so he was only able to be with me for about 45 minutes. I got his permission to pass their phone number to others in our sponsorship family for follow up. I'll call him again in a few minutes.

Life just doesn't get any better or sweeter.

Alone...

I just realized that I never posted this article on Monday. I started it and then realized that I didn't know how to easily upload images from my Blackberry to my computer. I still don't know how to do that but finally have images and just realized that I never published an article - anyway, not that it makes one bit of difference...

I made it through the Bolder Boulder today. Several times during the "race" (it's really just 10k of a continuous party - Elvis, belly dancers, bands, tons of citizens cheering, no one cares if you're walking, running, or crawling. ...or, if you finish or not... I was just one of about 50,000 participants in an annual spectacle. I was in a crowd and completely alone.

I don't know exactly why alone-ness was so much on my mind but it reminded me how quickly, even today, I can feel completely alone. I have a home group in AA - it's a great group. We typically have over 100 people at our biggest meeting. There are probably 50 that really know me intimately for a matter of several years. I truly love these people. I know they love me and would do anything short of drinking to make me happy.

Yet, if I miss my meeting for more than a couple of weeks, I walk in the door and I feel completely alone. Lonely. I don't know any of those folks really and I figure I could (should?) just walk back out the door.

My wife had a sponsor who used to explain that he would usually go to at least 3-4 meetings a week. Sometimes, he would get really busy and miss a week - sometimes 2. Afer he was away from meetings for a couple of weeks, he'd feel restless - maybe even his family would suggest that he might want to go to a meeting. Since he worked in the travel business, sometimes he'd get really tied up and have to miss meetings for 3-4 weeks and he'd really miss the people he would hang with around AA. Then, sometimes when he went 4-5 weeks between meetings, he discovered he didn't need meetings...

...I think he just got used to being alone...

I look at my own alone-ness as a nice place to visit but I just can't indulge it without reverting back to those character defects that represent my spiritual malady.

Starting over...

One of the useful things I find in publishing a blog is that it provides me a place to put those unfinished conversations that I seem to have around in my head all the time. For example, I try to take my responsibilities as a sponsor pretty seriously and I find myself often reflecting on what was said, not said and could have been worded better. Many times I seem to take that to the web and inflict it on everybody (or nobody) who drops by here.

Please don't take me wrong - I get it that that all I did to qualify myself as someone who's a sponsor is drink myself to the edge of death or insanity, not die, and live a new life as a recovered alcoholic in AA totally by God's grace. I marvel that the trust that's put in me as sponsor is similar to those who have skill, intelligence and training that seem far more useful than what I have to offer but if God is God in my life and others' lives, I understand that I can sometimes be useful as someone's sponsor and that's just a gift. But, I digress...

So, I have someone who regularly comes by at 6am on Thursdays and we did our deal today one more time. He's in the familiar position of dealing with old behaviors (we're shocked that he's on his 9th step... ;-) ) and the consequences they wreak in his life. I've been working with this dude for almost 3 years now and he's coming up on ~3 months sober this time around. I've got to admit, more than once I've thought that he might be of the constitutionally incapable variety but, again, my job is to only offer what my sober experience has been.

...and that is, when you fall down, you get up and start over...

I thought I was pretty unique in the AA world a few years ago when I found the nobility and the usefulness in the Myth of Sisyphus - as I march down the hill to push the rock up one more time, I realize that my purpose is just that. I get to have all the nobility of the absurd position that I've created for myself - I get to be who my higher power would have me be. What I do is no more or no less than pushing a rock for all eternity.

No, I'm not unique - I'm just one more drunk on the bus.

...who's been given a gift that the only appropriate response for is "thank you..." - for a chance to start over and be grateful for ALL that has graced my life...

...and, that just makes sense to me today...

Ed

Getting what I deserve...

Recently, I was asked how I was doing. I get that, in most occasions, this is just an acknowledgment of one's general existence in the room - people seldom (if ever) expect or want a full report.

For some reason, though, this time I responded with something I'd not said recently (used to be what I'd say all the time). I said "...better than I deserve..."

I say that because:

1. It's true
2. It reminds me that no matter how sorry I am for myself (seems to be a lot of that around some days), my best efforts resulted in something worse... My best thinking qualified me for AA.
   

The person I was talking to pointed out to me the higher truth that had been pointed out to me before (and was probably the reason I stopped saying this trite thing for a long time): it's simply not true - that, I what I've got is exactly what I deserve.

I hope I'm not the only one in this community that's noticed the many paradoxes in the program of AA. This is one I hadn't worked through in a long time:

1. I am sober only by God's grace
2. Everything in my life (regardless of my judgment as to whether it is good or bad or neutral) is there for a purpose - i.e. I not only deserve it but it's perfect for me.

I guess I'll just have to go back to saying "fine" when people ask how I'm doing...

Ed

A new...

I started to title this a new day and then realized that it's a new night and then I thought it might not be morning until I finish writing and post and then I realized that it didn't make any difference...

Each moment is a new moment...

So, I had the tough conversation today (see earlier post) and he said he was very careful - that he chose his words so that he wasn't accusing me of being dishonest. I still think I might have heard it the way he said it and was going to find out (from the tapes) exactly what he said and then, I realized, it just doesn't make any difference.

In fact he was very complimentary of me and my contributions...

...which, should have been "enough" but I realized that, in the spirit of unity, I'm part of a committee where he expressed considerable vitriol toward several members personally. He also expressed complete disagreement with some over-all decisions and direction. He was, I think, attempting to be gracious and support me (while placing the attack where he felt it was deserved) but I realized, in the spirit of unity, I have to stand with my committee (I'm a member, not the chair). My parting words with him were that, while I appreciated his kind words, if we as a committee did something offensive or wrong, I was at least partly responsible.

So, though my ego may be repaired some, I remain sad.

I think the whole unity thing might be misunderstated and under-appreciated. In my local AA community, you'd think AA's 1st tradition was either optional or irrelevant. It's all about me getting my recovery and you've got to be responsible for getting yours. People sound like they really are all about just recovering and that they should be able to do any old thing they want to in support of that and bring all of that to AA - consequences be damned.

On my other blog, 36princpiles.org/blog, I've written several articles where, the best of my research reveals through our history and collective experience, that we either hang together or not. For example, we as AA groups either own our service structure (through our delegates and our Conference) or we're in some peril.

I think we feel we can indulge these personal dislikes and, in this case, outright hatred and still work as a collective unit. I don't think there's any requirement that we agree on everything - or anything. Certainly there's no requirement toward conformity. I don't have to go out of my way to invite people I'm not comfortable with into my social circles.

But, at the end of the day, I think I get it that my life depends on AA unity. That, sometimes, I have to take the argument that I disagreed with (to the very ends of the earth - because I AM right!!!), set aside my opinion, and accept the group conscience - as my own...

I'm no saint on this. But I am sad...

Peace.

Ed

The principle of "being on time"...

Don, my former Service Sponsor (he's dead now) and I used to laugh occasionally about the concept of a "parking space God" - so often cited as being active in someone's life in an AA meeting. The story was always some variation of "...and I was running 10 minutes late and asked God to provide me a parking place and, sure enough, just as I pulled up a car was backing out right by the front door..."

Or, the story where, just when they were on the threshold of desperation, a member would ask God for money and then it would show up in the mail. ...or be handed them after a meeting...

We'd laugh, talk about how powerful they were for being able to call on the God of creation, the God of the universe, the God who watches over us all to provide them a parking space. God as sort of a servant who was at their beck and call.

We'd laugh and laugh.

Then Don would mention the principle of "being on time".

He would relate several experiences where, when he was "on time", the parking space was there. The money arrived when he needed it. His whole existence took on this mystical aura where he had just what he needed, when he needed it. In fact (now a little boastfully), he would state that in his life he ALWAYS had a parking space, ALWAYS had money, ALWAYS got what he needed, when he needed it.

This would make me crazy. I'd say, "...well that's no different than having a parking space god!" He'd smile and look at me with the incredulity that only he could express and say "...tee-hee, is it?"

Over the years, I got that he really lived in accordance with this principle - indeed, he bet his life on it. For example:

• except late in life when he was on some tough medication, he never used an alarm clock - regardless what time zone in the world he was in or what the schedule was for a given day, he would simply ask what time he was supposed to show up and went to sleep trusting that he would be there when he was supposed to be
• Don was the last person on the planet that you wanted to talk to about financial planning because, if he had money in his pocket that was not promised elsewhere, he would presume he was supposed to give it to someone and hand it off
• when he was out of money, he would answer a call and go do what he was requested to do - never asking about compensation. If he was asked how much he wanted to get paid for something, the only response I ever heard him give was something to the effect that "...it's my job to do what you've asked me to do, it's your job to figure out what my work is worth to you..."

One day I got to experience some of this at a different level. I'd agreed to take Don to a workshop on a Saturday morning in Ft. Collins (about an hour and a half away). The workshop was to start at 10am and we'd had little traffic so we arrived at the church at around 9:30 and so I started to get out of the car to go in. Don said, "Wait, we're too early."

Being used to generally showing up late for things in my life, I always thought that it was a good thing to be "early" but I humored him and we sat and chatted for a few minutes. At about 9:45 a 10-12 point buck strolled leisurely across the church yard right in front of us. After the buck had cleared the yard, Don said, now it's time for us to go in.

I was, needless to say, impressed.

On more than one occasion, I'd known Don to invite folks who were traveling with him to let go of their attachments to time (watches, clocks, schedules, calendars, etc.). In these occasions, people were astonished at the changes in their lives' experience when they would throw themselves into the serendipity of whatever showed up, when it showed up. Then something would happen (they'd miss an airplane, a show they'd intended to see, etc.) and Don would point out that they'd moved from living with the principle of "being on time" to using the power of the universe to be some sort of "parlor trick" - calling on an an energy wherein they were in control and managing what happened.

He was an amazing dude...

Ed