Dr. Paul...

One of my worries (sounds much better than fear, don't you think?) is that I will start repeating myself in my blog articles.  It's a race at my advanced age - will senility creep into my daily life before I live long enough to not care what people really think of my repeating myself?  The point: I thought sure I'd written this story here in the past but can't seem to find it in any of the places that I could have written it so here it is either for the first time or the 10^th time.

Anyway, Dave mentioned today some things from the story "Acceptance Was the Answer..." (4^th ed. BB - "Doctor, Addict, Alcoholic" in the 3^rd ed. BB).  I love this story.

From the time I was about 3 years sober to the time I was 10 years along, I quoted this story in almost every share and I used it as much or more as the basic text of AA in explaining how we needed to deal with life and life's problems.  When, infrequently, folks would challenge that his "instruction" was not part of the basic text, I would scoff and assure them that it must have been an oversight or that, since it was still in between the blue covers, it certainly was part of my program of recovery.

Sigh...

I was blessed for a period of ~12 years in my middle sobriety to attend several trips, retreats and conventions with Dr. Paul, the author of this story, and Max.  While we were never close, we eventually had a nodding relationship that borders on intimacy that I've only found in this program.  I was profoundly impressed by his spiritual path and the fact that I, on more than one occasion, saw him 12-stepping new folks with as much skill as any I'd ever seen.


Early in our acquaintance, we were at a conference together at a huge resort in Mexico.  We were sort of standing around after lunch.  I was waiting for my wife who was engaged in a conversation and I spotted Dr. Paul across the dining pavilion - at least 80-100 feet away.  He seemed to be sort of staring at me but I presumed that he was looking at someone else behind me or in the group where my wife's conversation was.  I just smiled and sort of turned away.

I noticed that he broke off from his group and started walking toward us.  Again, I sort of looked around and presumed he was either mistaking me for someone else or was coming to talk to someone  else in the group.

He marched right up to me.

I said "Hi."

With what seemed like exaggerated earnestness, he said "Are you all right?"

Confused, I said "yes."

He said "Good!  I thought you might be thinking."

...and turned on his heal and walked back to his group.

I loved that...

A Lion's Roar...

I am amazed and astounded at how God works in my life.  Always.

I gave a pitch at a meeting last night and it was, well, different.  I made an oblique reference to how God has blessed the whole of my life (but, especially in sobriety) and gave specific answers to questions asked and unasked.  It seems God has always shown up with the miracle when I needed it.


So, I woke up this morning and went through the motions but was feeling fear and uncertainty as I approached my computer to maybe write an article and see if, one more day, I could find the encouragement I needed to get one foot in front of another and show up in this life.  (all you really need to know is that I'm an alcoholic that's currently in a situation of adverse, unwanted circumstances...)

As I was on the verge of fatal self pity, I read Mary at Letting Go and she had blessed me with my first award for blogging.  Of course, it was the last thing I would have expected from this woman who expresses herself so well that I sometimes just marvel that what I write can live in the same internet as her skill.  Sometimes, hers is the only place I can find on the internet to help my heart to sing again.  Thank you Mary.  You've forced my tears of gratitude one more time...

And, as I've seen you all model so well for the past few months, I now get the distinct honor of passing this award along to 6 of you to directly appreciate your efforts on behalf of myself and, perhaps, those that also benefit from your efforts:

1. To  Mary of Being Sober for having the courage and the strength to show me and many others that a presence of AA on the internet can be an extension of recovery as found in AA.  That AA principles can (and must?) be paramount in all our affairs - including the internet.  I thank her especially for keeping the blog doors open until I could get here.
   
2. To Pam of Sobriety is Exhausting. I can't think of a better award for her as I've heard her roar over the past few months through happiness, sadness, pain, sickness and, even, grief.  My deepest respect for her heartfelt, powerful, honest sharing of her experience on her sometimes difficult road of life.
3. To Syd of I'm Just F.I.N.E..  Having been around Al-Anon for 25+ years including being a member in that program for 4 years, I can really appreciate the fine line he walks in supporting that program above and apart from the drama.  I know no-one in that program that has better grasped the principles of their recovery than he has.
4. To Mr. SponsorPants who seems to have solved the problem of practicing AA principles in the difficult situation of not being an "authority" while clearly and directly answering questions that all of us have had over the years about our wonderful program.  He's a credit to AA and, even in the rare time I may not have agreed with an answer, I'm proud to be a member of the same fellowship as him.
5. To "garden-variety drunk" of Another Real Alcoholic for giving me hope that another generation of alcoholic has found exactly the solution that I've found in this wonderful program and stands as a person who will keep the doors open when my dust (bits?) in cyberspace is all that's left of my being.
   
6. To Scott W. of Attitude of Grattitude for demonstrating that a disciplined sharing of beauty and strength can be a beacon to me and many.  He's 6 years sober today, by the way.
   

What, wait!  That's 6 already?  What about Dave and Scott and Steve and....  Can't I at least also "award-back" a link to Mary LA? So many people have contributed greatly to my experience here of the past 9 months.  Oh well, maybe in another 9 months I will have another award or perhaps, instead, we'll all just comment occasionally on each others' little spaces of the bloggerland and encourage each other along the way.

I'm encouraged for at least one more day.

Thank you again....

Step 11...

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

About 10 years ago, I'd been beaten into such a state of reasonableness by life's circumstances that, with some 15 years of sobriety, I followed my sponsor's advice and redoubled my efforts at the 11^th step.

I read exactly the paragraph starting "When we retire at night..." (BB p. 86) in the evening and reflected on each of the questions and sentences carefully.

In the morning, before starting my day I read the 4-5 paragraphs starting with "On awakening..." and followed the suggestions outlined there.

It was a magical time. Nothing I've done in our program of recovery before or since has provided such and immediate relief my the daily problems and given me such a profound sense of connectedness with my spiritual path. I was on fire anew in AA. It lasted nearly a year.

Then, I woke up one morning, and it didn't work. I did the same thing I'd been doing and I just felt flat and defeated.

I thought for months that it was just a matter of trying harder, of saying something slightly different. Of taking more time. As I remember, I tried everything that was suggested to me and, struggle though I might, the magic just seemed to be gone.

And then I realized that there was a lesson in this. God had graciously given me a time in his presence but this moment was not that moment. What I needed to do was to be open and willing to seek God in his way - not presume that he would always bless me how I wanted, when I wanted, based on my own habits and rituals.

Since then, the feelings of inspiration and closeness have come and gone.  My habits and practices have varied from time to time and that seems to be appropriate - it's been my experience.

Today, my practice is to pray the 3^rd and 7^th step prayers every morning before I get up. I try to apply my best thoughts toward thinking through the day ahead. Is it my will or God's will? I find the prayer of St. Francis that's excerpted in the 11^th step chapter in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions useful helping with meditation and in keeping my perspective in a better place as well.

At night, I still go through the review.  At least once a week, I read the paragraph verbatim. Every night I try to close my mind and open for sleep by asking "...God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken..."

Then, I sleep.

Bigger things...

I had someone come by and offer me an amends yesterday.  I was musing this morning that this has not happened much through the years.  My guess is the ratio is several hundred to one (given to received) in the amends department.

I must say, in many ways it's easier to give them than receive them.

This guy had stolen from me.  Tools as well as trust and then he talked bad about me around the fellowship.  It was really sort of interesting.  I think I have pretty solid proof of more stuff that he stole than what he copped to yesterday.  I'll chalk that up to the "more will be revealed" category.  I just hope he has gotten honest enough to where he can stay sober for a while.

He's a bad drunk of the modern variety.  Typically gets coked up enough to slam some serious drugs to "improve" his work performance and then, amazingly, takes off drinking again.

So far, in addition to a lot of money and property, he's laid waste to a marriage, at least one child and, well, he's doing the dance we do.

But, I was honored that he chose me as his first amends.  Of his several times in the program and after over 4 years on a 4th step (drinking part of that time), this is the furthest he's ever made it.  I encouraged him to complete all of his amends as quickly as he can.

Around our AA community, there was a myth running around a few years ago that one could "never complete your amends."  That, living amends were really the key.  This has not been my experience.

I had an 8^th step list (agreed to by my sponsor) and, when I was able to cross that last amends off, something magical - mystical - happened to me in my reality.  I worry that not everyone who's in AA's program of recovery has that experience.

So, I encouraged him to set that as his goal.  I can remember when I used to look at my list of some 40-45 people and institutions that it looked absolutely impossible.  I guess, thinking back, it was impossible.

But, ~2 years later when I was able to cross that last name off the list, it was clear that something really, really, really, really different was going with me and the world.

I can't recommend it enough...

Small things...

Shortly after my now wife and I were beginning our relationship (~25 years ago), we were staying at a motel somewhere and I was watching one of the, then fairly rare, "lifestyles of the rich and famous" programs.  I remember it well because I seldom watched TV and was sort of enamored of this type of programming - I could see all the details about people whom I had to hate because they clearly lived in all the luxury that I so desired.

They were touring a luxury hotel and they made a point of all the details they checked out in cleaning a room at every opportunity.

One of the details they checked out was that the end of the toilet paper was placed just so - coming over the top and the sheet folded in a "V" and had a finished, deliberate, look and was convenient to grab.

I must admit that, until that very moment, I had not given a single thought about how the end of the toilet paper roll hung out.  I guess I just looked at it as either a random matter or trusted my gut.  Hard to imagine that I was once such a cretin.

It also seems funny now that within a day of my acquiring this knowledge, my then girlfriend (now wife of 20+ years) felt it necessary to "teach me" the "right" way of leaving the toilet roll which was, of course, the paper needed to come from behind and underneath the roll.  I started to protest with my new found knowledge and immediately recognized the look I've seen so many times since that this was going to be a fight.

I didn't fight.  I realized that it just wasn't worth it to me that I be "right" in this matter.

To this day, if you come to our house, you will be able to tell who last changed the roll of toilet paper.  As, I think, I generally change rolls more than she does (why is that?), the paper will generally come over the top.

But, that's not the end of it...

Embarrassingly recently (about 5 years ago?), I was using a bathroom, had to change the roll and realized that, due tho the proximity of the roll holder to the stool, it only made sense to hang it in the style of my wife instead of the style of the European hotel where I'd learned my craft.

I had a good laugh.

What is probably true is that my wife learned her paper roll changing skills from those who had such dispensers and that was why it was so important that she was "right" in her perspective.

My wife and I may never, in this lifetime, fully discuss this matter.  It's almost ceratin that we'll never agree.

It's important, only for me, that we are both right on this small thing.

Yale...

I went to a good friend's memorial service yesterday.  The minister said we were celebrating a "life well lived".

Yale H. was 93 years young when he died last week.  He was amazing from the first to the last. He had 57 years of sobriety. He would have had 58 next month.

His obituary doesn't tell half the story.

When he was up for appointment to Assistant U.S. District Attorney for Colorado, his background check turned up, well, problematic. Yale was never bashful about remembering his past when he came to my home group to tell his story. He may have sobered up a long time ago, but he was clear that he was a bad drunk before he got to AA.

When Bobby Kennedy was getting some flak from his staff about making this appointment, it was reported that he looked at the application and said "...it says here that Yale hasn't had a drink in ten years. Can anyone else in the room claim that?" Case was closed and Yale got the job.

He was a story teller above all. To see the story of "Rascal", go to this link.  He had a million of them.  Another area he explored was AA history and pre-history.  He wrote a great story about the "Gold Cure" which pre-dated our fellowship. 

The last time I heard Yale's voice was on NPR's Talk of the Nation listener call-in show last January when he called in to the program the Thursday before Obama's inauguration.  You could hear the host gasp as he came to realize the importance of this moment as Yale related, in his mater of fact way, his experience attending the first inauguration of FDR as a congressional staffer.  He had a front row seat for that part of history and could clearly relate the parallels and differences of then and now, first hand.  As the host struggled to get his show's pundits and guests out of the way so that Yale could have more time, you could hear the effect Yale had on others, outside our program.

Beginning over 20 years ago, macular degeneration stole his sight.  He was still active and involved in the community and AA meetings - he was at his home group the week before he died.  Always, he would make sure the newcomer was greeted and made to feel welcome and important.  More than one person I went to a meeting or an AA social event with would ask me "is he really blind?"  It was as if he could see right through you and was completely engaged with you when you were in his presence.


I have never in my life had as sharp a mind as he had at 93.

His marriage of 68 years ended when his beloved wife died a few years ago.  While he was always in love with Jane, Yale was fully human and was quick to find wit with which to share his own failings.  The last 2 times he spoke at my home group, he closed his share with "...we say in AA to 'practice these principles in all our affairs.'  It has been my experience that it's better to just not have any affairs."

The last intimate conversation I had with him was not long before the stock crash.  He related how his neighbor was a day trader and was becoming quite wealthy.  He could appreciate how his neighbor would work hard and concentrate and "lay up stores of riches for later times".  He was envious until he realized that, at his house, he had a constant stream of "visitors" (he hated the terms "sponsor" and "sponsee") who would sit with him for hours each day and realized that he, too, was storing up treasure.

At the service, he was remembered for his wondrous life, mind and, his humility.

I miss him.   It was great to celebrate a "life well lived".

The Gift...

I was meeting with a sponsee this morning and we found ourselves again talking about the gift of desperation.

Something shifted for me recently.  I've been spending some time looking into and thinking about the varying statistics that are offered for explaining how successful the program of AA is.  I have found a great deal of discrepancy for claimed "success rates" for AA: ranging from factions in AA who boldly proclaim 80%+ success rates for those who follow "their way" of working our AA program to AA detractors who claim that AA's success for long term recovery is less than 10% or, about the same success rate as doing nothing for recovery - just quitting through will power alone.

If you look at even the most credible and statistically valid studies of how alcoholics recover, you can still find huge variations in the success rates and, worse, huge discrepancies about biases and and assumptions and caveats.  It seems that for every study, there are at least 2-3 folks who will explain why the data is not accurate.

I was talking this morning with my sponsee about why some of the folks in his circle, and particularly his sponsee, don't find in AA a successful solution for not drinking and creating a life without drinking.  This discussion wound up with the same conclusion that I had observed in my recent study and my over-all AA experience.

AA generally seems to work with a certain class of desperate alcoholics.  For others, it seems to not be effective.

...but, for he and I, AA has been 100% successful and given us a life beyond our wildest dreams.  For him, for 1-1/2 years, for me, 25+ years.

...and, for today, that seems to be the only statistic that we can really vouch for.

What a gift!!!

Anything to say...

I find myself sitting here admiring every one else' life and sort of, well, sort of hating the one in front of me.

I get that it's a gift of grace today that, God willing, I'll get one foot out in front of the other today and will find a few places where I can be useful.  That truly is "enough"...

However, as I read my usual folks' blogs this morning, I found myself pausing to reflect (pray) and ask "do I have anything to say?"

I've been taught to ask a few things before I open my mouth and say something (anything):

1. Is it the truth?
2. Is it necessary?
3. Is it kind?
4. ...

And, the miracle of that just struck me in this moment.

All my life I've shared what I thought was the "right thing" to promote the image that I was trying to portray - that was aligned with the script that I'd made up for that moment.

For me, to pause and honestly ask is a miracle.

Just that...

Symbols...

At a recent Area Assembly, our delegate brought to the floor a discussion of the question: "should we return the circle and triangle to our AA (AAWS published) literature?"

There was some discussion about the difference between symbols and substance.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently.

I have a long history where I have failed miserably in happy sobriety (just short of taking a drink) and noticed that I've filled my life with service and have forgotten to get in integrity with my recovery program. Or, that I try to solve the problem of my misery by focusing more on working a better 4^th step instead of finding a drunk to work with.

So, even though our symbol has not been used as an official symbol of AA for a number of years (about 1994), I still have a use for a reminder that this is a 3-legged program – sort of like a 3-legged stool.

Have you tried to sit on a 1-legged stool?

I have.

I need to remember why my life feels out-of-balance.

By the way, support for the question from our Area Assembly failed.  Absent some action from some other part of the fellowship, it won't be on the agenda for the 60^th General Service Conference.

Paul ...

One of the liberties I think I can take of having a less well read blog is that I want to share something that came in email about good friend who died recently. If anyone has any sort of objection about this, let me know and I will remove this article.
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We lost another piece of AA history linking us to the founders. Paul Martin, 87 years old and 62 years sober. His sponsor was Tom Powers who helped Bill Wilson edit and publish the 12x12. Below is an official obituary that was in a local paper and a personal note from Gary B. a long time sober friend of Paul’s.

Rest in peace Paul, we will carry the torch!

--

Obituary:
Paul W. Martin, age 87, of Bethlehem Woods, LaGrange Park, formerly of Riverside for 42 years. A Veteran U.S. Navy Pilot during WW II, (survivors deleted). Paul had many accomplishments in life as a successful Journalist. He wrote articles for numerous publications including the Chicago Sunday Tribune Magazine, Christian Century, The Grapevine, The Lion (a publication of the Lions Club). He wrote two books on the history of the Lions Clubs, the first We Serve and the second Lions Clubs in the 21st Century. He spoke Spanish fluently and traveled widely, including trips to Mexico and South America and Russia. A Health and Science writer, he hosted his own television show, was a professional wrestler and boxer, and was a true sportsman. He worked in Greenland, Iceland and Alaska in the 1950's, on the Dew Line radar warning system . In the Navy he catapulted, in observation planes, off of battle Ships. He had a great sense of humor and always had a joke. In lieu of flowers, memorials to Riverside Twp. Lions Club, Hadley School for the Blind and St. Thomas Hospice appreciated.

From Gary B.:
I returned home yesterday from Paul's wake and memorial service.  This was the third time I have been privileged to not only be with Paul but many of his sponsees and friends.  The first two times I was asked to chair (more like emcee) the celebrations of his 50 years and 60th years of sobriety.

I met Paul 36 years ago when he spoke at the Wyatts meeting in Denver.  He had been invited to speak there by a fellow known as Big Frank McKibbon.  Frank was big and tough and a true Big Book Step Nazi who said that I should come hear Paul.  I was surprised that Frank really looked up to anyone so I figured I better go.  I left the meeting knowing that I had just met a man who really believed that the 12 Step program of AA was indeed "sufficient" for alcoholics and anyone else who might be motivated to go to the lengths we need.

24 years ago I called Paul with my ass hanging out and jam on my face and asked him for help.  I had not drank, but I was living a life of infidelity, dishonesty in all my affairs--my wife still says I was depressed during that time.  Other than the depression that is a symptom of alcoholism I have no other experience with that.

Paul and his group, the LaGrange group, firmly believe and practice repeated trips through the 12 steps.  Each time they do that they swap 5th Steps with several other people, and are extremely diligent in making all the amends to remain current.  I learned that the repeated process thru the 12 Steps in order relieves alcoholics of the depression, anxiety, fear and all those other things the sober alcoholic contends with.

Paul always believed that guilt is the cause of depression.  In fact, he was sure that Wilson would not have had his depressions if he would have kept his pecker in his pants.

I last spent several hours with Paul this last Spring when he was in Bloomington, IN undergoing a series of heavy radiation.  His conversations were always about AA.  He said he knew I don't really enjoy speaking on the circuit but asked me to continue to do it when I was asked so I could continue to share my experience with amends.

Paul spent the last 3+ months in a retirement center/nursing home.  I am told that this past August there was a young man taking a tour of the home with his parents.  The parents were thinking of moving there.  The lady giving the tour always spoke to each resident as they passed by.  She would say "Hi Joe" or "Hi Mary" etc., but when they passed Paul she said "Hi Paul Martin."  The group passed by and then the young man returned and asked Paul if he was the guy who knew Bill Wilson.  Paul said he was and asked what he could do for the young man.  The kid said he was 3 years sober and was having trouble getting along with his parents.  Paul said "Do you have your amends list in your pocket?"

Paul then showed the kid how to write an inventory, told him to come back when he had it completed (Paul gave him one week).   The kid came back, took 5th Steps with Paul and a few of his friends.  On September 10th the kid returned to see Paul and said he had made all the amends with his parents and things were getting better.

All the years I knew Paul, I never once heard him change his mind about anything regarding the AA program--the Twelve Steps.  I asked Matt A., a 50 year sponsee of Paul's if he ever heard Paul change his mind about any part of the program.  Matt said he never heard Paul change his mind about a damn thing.

Three weeks ago Bryan B took Paul up to Mayo Clinic for some tests.  The doctor came into the room after two days of testing and before the doc could say anything Paul asked "How long do I have."  The doctor looked down while looking for words when Paul said "I'm glad you didn't look at your watch."

I'm sure someone will be telling more about his life.  He spoke Spanish fluently.  He interviewed many South American political figures, both winners and losers of revolutions. He was a wonderful god father and friend.

The wake and service were truly victory celebrations.

Gary