Rules...

I just noticed that this is post number 45 on this blog. At the meetings where I sobered up, they had some rules that I thought at the time were sacrosanct:

• you didn't share (only said your name) for the 1st 30 days of sobriety
• you didn't chair a meeting until you had 90 days sober
• you didn't date until you were a year sober
  
• you didn't sponsor until you'd worked the 1st 9 steps
  
• you didn't drink between meetings
• ...
  

Well intentioned as they were, at the place I sobered up, rules were a shorthand to deal with new folks like me and maintain some order amongst newly recovering drunks who always seem to foment more drama than recovery.

While I managed to break a fair number of those rules, I truly tried to follow them because, probably more than anything, I was desperate to "fit in" - I didn't want to fail AA like it felt like I was failing everything else in my life... I'm not sure I was even all that motivated to stay sober - it was just a desperate need for you to like me and for me to belong.

When I was allowed to chair my 1st meeting at 90 days sober, I remember I prepared for weeks on a generally intellectual sort of topic on the "meaning of the Serenity Prayer" - one long-timer leaned over and said in a voice that he was sure I would hear said: "...90 days sober and he's going to tell us how to rewrite the G-D serenity prayer!!!" I was crushed, but also realized the absurdity of my and his perspectives...

3 years later, I moved to the community where I live now and their attitude was generally that "AA had no rules" - that our program was "suggested only" - you were as likely as not to step into a discussion meeting and find someone right out of detox chairing. I longed for the days of those rules that I found so painful to follow or put up with...

So, it has been interesting to me to mark the similarity of the past 45 days in how I feel about writing this blog - I so very much want to "fit in". I want to say the "right" things, the "right" way. I want someone to read what I say but not be critical. I want to "belong". I want to offer comments that are encouraging and useful. I want my articles to be clear and interesting.

In a word, I'm a newcomer - trying hard to "fit in" - and, I'm loving it...

Funny - 25 years later and I still get to learn the same lesson all over again. I think the good news is that I'm clear that, in the over all scheme of things, the best I can be is useful. The worst that I can do is let my ego get the best of any praise I might receive.

Ain't life a hoot?

Ed