Thursday, April 16, 2009

Rules...

I just noticed that this is post number 45 on this blog. At the meetings where I sobered up, they had some rules that I thought at the time were sacrosanct:
  • you didn't share (only said your name) for the 1st 30 days of sobriety
  • you didn't chair a meeting until you had 90 days sober
  • you didn't date until you were a year sober
  • you didn't sponsor until you'd worked the 1st 9 steps
  • you didn't drink between meetings
  • ...
10 CommandmentsWell intentioned as they were, at the place I sobered up, rules were a shorthand to deal with new folks like me and maintain some order amongst newly recovering drunks who always seem to foment more drama than recovery.

While I managed to break a fair number of those rules, I truly tried to follow them because, probably more than anything, I was desperate to "fit in" - I didn't want to fail AA like it felt like I was failing everything else in my life... I'm not sure I was even all that motivated to stay sober - it was just a desperate need for you to like me and for me to belong.

When I was allowed to chair my 1st meeting at 90 days sober, I remember I prepared for weeks on a generally intellectual sort of topic on the "meaning of the Serenity Prayer" - one long-timer leaned over and said in a voice that he was sure I would hear said: "...90 days sober and he's going to tell us how to rewrite the G-D serenity prayer!!!" I was crushed, but also realized the absurdity of my and his perspectives...

3 years later, I moved to the community where I live now and their attitude was generally that "AA had no rules" - that our program was "suggested only" - you were as likely as not to step into a discussion meeting and find someone right out of detox chairing. I longed for the days of those rules that I found so painful to follow or put up with...

So, it has been interesting to me to mark the similarity of the past 45 days in how I feel about writing this blog - I so very much want to "fit in". I want to say the "right" things, the "right" way. I want someone to read what I say but not be critical. I want to "belong". I want to offer comments that are encouraging and useful. I want my articles to be clear and interesting.

In a word, I'm a newcomer - trying hard to "fit in" - and, I'm loving it...

Funny - 25 years later and I still get to learn the same lesson all over again. I think the good news is that I'm clear that, in the over all scheme of things, the best I can be is useful. The worst that I can do is let my ego get the best of any praise I might receive.

Ain't life a hoot?

Ed

2 comments:

Syd said...

Believe me, Ed, you "fit in" great. There aren't any rules in blogging. Sometimes people get offended or maybe even "take their toys and go home". It's all okay. This is like an electronic journal of sorts. Not as many details as a journal and not the nitty gritty but still honest stuff. Glad that you like it.

Scott W said...

Personally I think you are doing a swell job!