Stepping Stones...

I spent the day yesterday walking around Stepping Stones in Bedford Hills, NY.  Walking around under blue skies with 75 other AA and Alanon folk and looking into another life and time - in Bill & Lois's life, our fellowship, and all of it.

It was serendipitous that William Borchert, author of When Love is not Enough, happened to be there at the same time.  Turns out, he was a neighbor of Lois in her later years and collaborated on this project with her for some time.

As wonderful as this time was (and it truly was), the thing I got clear from all of the evidence of their lives (and there is much there), Bill and Lois were fallible human beings thrust into lives that were way beyond anything they could have imagined.

...like many (all?) of us...

Nunca! Nunca!

I attended another Spanish speaking AA meeting yesterday.  A 3-1/2 hour meeting (no breaks) followed by a 1-hour feast/fiesta really takes a bite out of your day - it's especially tiring when you've already been sitting in meetings for the whole weekend.

It was important to attend though in that one of the pillars of that community (Spanish-speaking AA) was celebrating his 26 years of sobriety.  He's been a good friend to me and many others - there were about 150 people there from all over the state.

Since I don't speak Spanish, these meetings are hard for me but there is so much I can learn.  I see what they do as largely an AA Public Information pitch for families and friends in addition to an AA meeting.

The format runs something like this:

1. After the starting rituals (prayer, reading, etc.), they invite some of the new people (under 30 days) up to share.  While they talk about "...really meaning it this time..." and "...going to try harder...", some of the audience laugh and catcall him - suggest they probably aren't really done - etc.
2. Then people (mostly men) with generally increasing lengths of sobriety and experience, share what they did to get and stay sober and how their lives have changed.
3. Then (about 2+ hours into the deal), they call special guests to share - people who are General Service Representatives, District Committee Members, Intergroup officers, the area Delegate, etc. about what AA is and is not and how it has impacted their lives and honoring the person celebrating.
4. Next family members are given a chance to talk.  A brother who had 2 years sober at one time and would love to get sober again but just can't seem to make it through a day without drinking.  A sister who came from Oklahoma just to say that she is proud of her brother and grateful to AA,  Alanon members, kids, grandkids, cousins, everyone is given a chance to say what they think of the birthday boy or anything at all.
5. Finally, the target of this celebration is given the chance to talk.

As he walked to the podium, tears were already streaming down his dark, handsome face.  Even with my exceedingly poor Spanish, I could clearly hear much of what he shared: "Nothing! Nothing! could have prepared me for so much love and gratitude from the miracle of what AA has done for me and my family!!!" ; "...all that I am today, all that I have today, all that I will ever be, I owe to AA...";  "...from a life of hopeless dispair and nothingness, I am now the happiest man in the world, thanks to AA...";  "...AA and God never gave up on my, long after I'd given up on myself..."

I hope you get the idea.  Not a dry eye anywhere.

Then, this community who are mostly unemployed or work below minimum wage, fed us all.

Rich, thick, meaty mole. Hearty green chili.  Pasta.  Fresh tortillas.  Cake.  All homemade and delicious.

As embarrassed as we were, it was clear that we would offend them if we didn't take extra plates of food home.

My heart is still full.  This "work" that we do in AA is important.  For ourselves and, more importantly, for others.  AA can and will change my life if I let it.

And, it tastes good too...

Loopholes...

In my little community, there's a story in this morning's paper that talks about removing limits to the sizes of basements.

We have some old neighborhoods where the average house size is less than 1,000 square feet (not exaggerating).  These neighborhoods have become quite desirable (over $500k) and, of course, some people with more money than brains have moved into town and either scraped or "remodeled" these houses and put up 15,000 square foot (again, not exaggerating) manor houses.  Needless to say, the neighborhoods are in arms about this and have finally, in the past 3 years, gotten control to where these sorts of upgrades are limited.

Now, however, we are looking at basements.

I've always loved looking for loopholes - reasons why the rules that should rightly apply to you and everyone else should not apply to me.

As my wife (also an admitted drunk) was reading parts of the story to me, she seemed disappointed when I suggested that they would probably limit the basement size to the dimensions of the lot.  Our minds were "off to the races!!!"  Maybe you could just put in multiple levels of basements?  You could preserve the 1,000 square foot footprint of the house and have a 3+ level, 14,000 square foot basement underneath it.  Why not?

The idea that the same rules that apply to everyone else should apply to me has been a hard-fought concept.  The posted speed limit seemed to be a good place to start.

Granted, getting 2 speeding tickets last year helped me to my surrender.  The $500/month surcharge on my car insurance helps keep me surrendered.

But, the spiritual principle of humility has not come easy for me.  A dear spiritual guide and friend of mine who died 5 years ago last Sunday was fond of the saying: "I'm not a human being trying to attain a spiritual state.  I am a spiritual being trying to learn to live in a human state."

For today, without looking for loopholes....

Sponsorship 5...

I was reading with a sponsee this morning (our regular Saturday AM gig) from "There is a Solution":

"... We are average Americans. All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.  We are people who normally would not mix. ..." BB p. 17

It wasn't until just reflecting on that now, some 7 hours later, that this young man is less than 1/2 my age.  I've been sober longer than this guy has been alive.  He has never known a world "before the Internet."  etc.  He's in school.  I've forgotten what that could even possibly feel like.  He's dating and wildly raging in hormones and life and death feelings about acceptance and approval.  I've pretty much forgotten what that feels like as well.

Anyway, as I stated in an earlier posting, this is what I often do - read the book with someone and see if we can have the same experience that they talk about in the book.

This ancient, imperfect book seems to have reached down and grabbed this young drunk with a solution.

I love to see that happen.

Step 11...

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

About 10 years ago, I'd been beaten into such a state of reasonableness by life's circumstances that, with some 15 years of sobriety, I followed my sponsor's advice and redoubled my efforts at the 11^th step.

I read exactly the paragraph starting "When we retire at night..." (BB p. 86) in the evening and reflected on each of the questions and sentences carefully.

In the morning, before starting my day I read the 4-5 paragraphs starting with "On awakening..." and followed the suggestions outlined there.

It was a magical time. Nothing I've done in our program of recovery before or since has provided such and immediate relief my the daily problems and given me such a profound sense of connectedness with my spiritual path. I was on fire anew in AA. It lasted nearly a year.

Then, I woke up one morning, and it didn't work. I did the same thing I'd been doing and I just felt flat and defeated.

I thought for months that it was just a matter of trying harder, of saying something slightly different. Of taking more time. As I remember, I tried everything that was suggested to me and, struggle though I might, the magic just seemed to be gone.

And then I realized that there was a lesson in this. God had graciously given me a time in his presence but this moment was not that moment. What I needed to do was to be open and willing to seek God in his way - not presume that he would always bless me how I wanted, when I wanted, based on my own habits and rituals.

Since then, the feelings of inspiration and closeness have come and gone.  My habits and practices have varied from time to time and that seems to be appropriate - it's been my experience.

Today, my practice is to pray the 3^rd and 7^th step prayers every morning before I get up. I try to apply my best thoughts toward thinking through the day ahead. Is it my will or God's will? I find the prayer of St. Francis that's excerpted in the 11^th step chapter in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions useful helping with meditation and in keeping my perspective in a better place as well.

At night, I still go through the review.  At least once a week, I read the paragraph verbatim. Every night I try to close my mind and open for sleep by asking "...God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken..."

Then, I sleep.

Small things...

Shortly after my now wife and I were beginning our relationship (~25 years ago), we were staying at a motel somewhere and I was watching one of the, then fairly rare, "lifestyles of the rich and famous" programs.  I remember it well because I seldom watched TV and was sort of enamored of this type of programming - I could see all the details about people whom I had to hate because they clearly lived in all the luxury that I so desired.

They were touring a luxury hotel and they made a point of all the details they checked out in cleaning a room at every opportunity.

One of the details they checked out was that the end of the toilet paper was placed just so - coming over the top and the sheet folded in a "V" and had a finished, deliberate, look and was convenient to grab.

I must admit that, until that very moment, I had not given a single thought about how the end of the toilet paper roll hung out.  I guess I just looked at it as either a random matter or trusted my gut.  Hard to imagine that I was once such a cretin.

It also seems funny now that within a day of my acquiring this knowledge, my then girlfriend (now wife of 20+ years) felt it necessary to "teach me" the "right" way of leaving the toilet roll which was, of course, the paper needed to come from behind and underneath the roll.  I started to protest with my new found knowledge and immediately recognized the look I've seen so many times since that this was going to be a fight.

I didn't fight.  I realized that it just wasn't worth it to me that I be "right" in this matter.

To this day, if you come to our house, you will be able to tell who last changed the roll of toilet paper.  As, I think, I generally change rolls more than she does (why is that?), the paper will generally come over the top.

But, that's not the end of it...

Embarrassingly recently (about 5 years ago?), I was using a bathroom, had to change the roll and realized that, due tho the proximity of the roll holder to the stool, it only made sense to hang it in the style of my wife instead of the style of the European hotel where I'd learned my craft.

I had a good laugh.

What is probably true is that my wife learned her paper roll changing skills from those who had such dispensers and that was why it was so important that she was "right" in her perspective.

My wife and I may never, in this lifetime, fully discuss this matter.  It's almost ceratin that we'll never agree.

It's important, only for me, that we are both right on this small thing.

The icks...

A few of my friends in AA have been going through what I call "the icks" lately.  I had a sponsor I used to call up (often) and say: "...the sick is on me bad today..." and then I'd launch into the familiar diatribe about how bad my life was and how hopeless all appeared.

This sponsor's solution was largely centered around inventory and prayer and meditation.  I have nothing against those - they are cornerstones to our program of recovery.  I'm grateful for all he taught me about those tools that I still use today.

After he fired me, I got hooked up with my current sponsor and he's pretty much of another persuasion - when you're under the oppression of alcoholism (real alcoholics will probably understand this), when you're into what I've hear called at east coast meetings "stinkin' thinkin'", his solution is to look for an immediate opportunity to be of service.  The more consuming this is (sponsorship, chairing a committee, starting a group, jail/detox meetings, helping your kids or wife - doesn't have to be an alcoholic - etc.) the better.

While at face value this seems to just be a distraction, I can't tell you how many times this has worked wonders for me in terms of getting past my own head enmeshed in fear and darkness.  It is, after all, what our Big Book book recommends.  It's solution for my darkness and despair is not (only) changing sponsors, going to another dance, seeking a more intense 3rd step experience, changing churches or gurus, changing diet, getting more exercise, going to a therapist, changing medications, etc.  Some of these items (and others) might be the right thing to do sometimes.

But, what Bill discovered was: "...I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day..." (BB p. 15).  This suggestion is repeated a number of times in our book.

The fact that today, most days, I can get one foot in front of another to make progress toward some sort of real solution is a miracle that is beyond my wildest imagination.  It is evidence of God's grace in my life.

Internet and AA - social networking sites

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

I hope to split this part of the discussion between 2 articles.  Today, I'd like to express some observations about the "public" forums like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, etc.  Tomorrow, I hope to share my observations about recovery-focused sites where the situation(s) may or may not be different.

I don't remember when I had a whole week go by that I didn't receive at least one "invitation" to join some networking site or another.  The overture is always the same: "so-and-so is inviting you to join them at..." and then (generally) there's a chance to view some portion of that person's postings along with the postings of that person's "friends" or "followers" or whatever jargon they use for connections.

In the interest of full disclosure of my direct experience, I am a member of only a few of these networks (I find it easier and easier to decline or not respond to requests to join - regardless my relationship to those who invite me) and I generally only lurk on a few friends' efforts - I seldom post "what I'm doing" updates.  For me, blogging is my current preferred mechanism of and focus for sharing my AA experience online.

However, my wife and several other AA members I'm close to have tight circles of "friends" who share many poignant moments of their lives through "writing on their walls", "tweeting" or, whatever it is they choose to do in those circles.

Before I launch into some serious opinion sharing here, please, please, please understand that some of these folks are AA members who I believe have been real drunks and have had the spiritual experience directed by and proscribed by our AA program.  Most I would be happy to share an AA meeting or coffee with any time.  They are delightful members who may be more right than I am about what is right or wrong in AA and the internet.

That said, I truly believe that many are misguided in their reckless abandon of anonymity and other principles in the use of these media for sharing their AA experience.

The strongest argument in defense of some of what is shared on these sites (full names, pictures, pictures and names of other friends, etc.) is that you have to have been invited and responded to form a "closed group" of people.  Some of the points they argue include:

1. Since it's a closed group, it is no longer in the public and issues of anonymity (in terms of identity) can easily be set aside.  After all, you don't wear a bag over your head when you attend an AA meeting (although it may have been suggested to a few of us ;-) ).
2. The efficiency of sharing intimate details of their life's experience ("OK - I'm heading into the doctor's office now and am really afraid!", "My girlfriend isn't answering the phone - I'm shook up!", "I just got a promotion and I just love my new office!", "Here's a picture of my cat's new play-toy!", ...) with many friends at once actually improves their effectiveness at life and working of their program.
3. This type of sharing can lead to a transparency (honesty?) in their lives that is useful to them.  I no longer just "check in" with a sponsor - I have a broad range of folks who know all about me and what I'm up to.
4. Similarly, you can watch people you really care about and suggest, for example, that they might choose to go to an AA meeting rather than rent another movie.
   
5. They can more efficiently and effectively keep up with a wider circle of people in AA than they could only using personal contact or the phone.
6. Part of that more effective sharing includes pictures.  Who hasn't gotten a wonderful message from someone with a picture attached that says so much and is really meaningful?
   
7. It helps eliminate some of the problems with the classic AA rumor chain - everyone can know the same information from the same source rather than getting someone's spin on "news".   Most of us have been victimized by the AA fellowship's version of the game "telephone" at some time in our lives.

I'm sure they see many other benefits as well in that some of them spend hours out of nearly every day engaged in activities around these networks (posting messages, checking up, expanding networks, etc.). Again, it's really not my deal right now so I may not even be hitting really important benefits of this type of sharing.  If you know of some, please educate me.

On the other hand, I think there are some down sides to this as well:

1. Anonymity (privacy, identity) is not assured.  While I may not be friends with John, even before I become John's friend (say, he invites me to friend or follow him), I can generally see who John's friends are before I enter this relationship.  Indeed, often I get friend/follow requests and don't recognize who the invitation is from.  I've browsed around for hours in this potential friend's  friends' spaces:
1. Looking for clues as to who the request might be from (who John is)
   
2. Being greatly entertained with some of the stupid (and vulgar and obscene and ...) stuff that some folks I may or may not know publish on these networks
2. While an individual's information is generally protected (and I think the networks are getting better at this as time goes on), as recently as last week I stumbled across a link that plopped me in the middle of an individual's Facebook photos that I know he would not want as publicly available as it was.  At the very least, I think one should be very careful.
3. I think the fact that thinking one may have their identity protected, they might miss several additional points related to the spiritual principle of anonymity.  Not the least of which this (your life, my life) might be much less about who I am and who you are and more what we can offer to be useful.  I am concerned that who I become when I think my identity is protected is not my best.  At least for the pages and sites I've seen, we become focused on the mundane and the sickness more than becoming the best we can be under spiritual guidance.  It seems these networks support me to lower my standards rather than seek progress.
   
4. Quite often, connection requests devolve rapidly into other agendas.  Of the ~20-30 people I've "connected" with on one service, nearly all of them eventually came around to wanting to convert me to their religion, sell me a book, somehow get me to click through their marketing portal, whatever.  I've learned that, when someone has more than 5,000 "connections" (maybe even over more than 20 connections), there is generally some other factor at play.  Someone is selling something or has an program (other than AA) to push.
   
5. While I may or may not be interested in some facets of your life, quite often as families/friends/AA friends/business associates all get involved in the same connection pool, someone is probably going to learn something they really didn't want to know.  I doubt seriously that any woman I know would march into an AA meeting and share her menstrual cycle but some in these forums seem to include that as important information to share.
   Maybe this could be dealt with by "grouping" friends into different sets of folks, and some of the networks allow for this now, but general sharing with all seems to be the norm.  It's easier and simpler and, frankly, I think people just forget who all might see what particular information.  And, again, friends who invite other friends into the network will probably also get to see that information.
6. While I work pretty hard to keep my sharing on this blog and the blogs I follow and comment on to be primarily aligned with the program and principles of AA, in social network sites this becomes unwieldy and probably almost cross-purposes of what a social network is about.  Social networks seem to be first and foremost about encouraging individuals to share as individuals with great diversity.
   Not every conversation held at coffee or even with a sponsor is going to be aligned with an AA "party line".  It shouldn't be.  However, the sharing that happens in these social networks has a persistence and reach that spans well beyond our experience in the past.
   As I contemplate including my sponsor, people I sponsor, and other friends in the program into one of these networks, I'm concerned about what might be shared and how it could be received - especially once it's removed from the context in which it's shared (as often happens in these networks).
7. While these networks are currently "free" to subscribers, all in the industry agree that, eventually, some financial model based on subscription fees, advertising, or some other financial component will be required to support the service.  One could easily foresee that "Joe's Treatment Center" would be happy to attach it's click-through logo to all my messages about recovery from boozing or communities where that is often discussed.  If one reads the fine print on these services, what you publish does belong to you but they have the rights to do anything with that data they chose to - including, in some cases, leaving your writings up after you close out your account.
   

All this said, I feel AA members need to have a presence in these networks.  I was discouraged at the recent SW Regional AA Forum when I learned that AA World Services intervened and had an account with the name of "alcoholicsanonymous" removed from Twitter.  I would have much rather that AAWS would have taken over that account and supported a message service that provided something that injected a conversation about recovery in AA into that network.

Finally, I don't think anyone really believes this generation is the final destination of this technology.  I would hazard a guess that the memory of MySpace, Twitter and, Facebook will in the future be much the same as the memory of CompuServe or AOL is to the internet of today - important milestones in history but the future social happenings on these networks will be much more natural and elegant - integrated into one's online experiences.  For that reason, I think we, as a fellowship and individuals (and maybe even groups) in AA, should experiment with what works and doesn't work in supporting our AA principles and program of recovery in this venue.

God willing, we will learn the lessons we need to be useful into the future.

Going slow...

The body and mind are amazing.  It looks like Mike is going to live and recover.

Thank you God...

He has come from a mumbling mass of confusion last week back to where he's walking around the halls and trying to fight his way back to enough health to get out of the hospital.

As I was talking to him on the phone yesterday, I had my first moment of clarity as to how I might help him.  He was explaining in his confused ramble (he's never been the gifted communicator he might fancy that he is, but the drug-addled consciousness doesn't help) about the nuance of working his 10th step with a friend in Alanon and how he's fixing this and changing that, it was clear to me that this is a person who's not really surrendered.  A week ago I visited him in ICU and he couldn't string two sentences together that anyone else could recognize as coherent.  Now he was looking for the bank shot of how he could "fix" his spiritual needs by ...  well, I guess it just doesn't matter what he was thinking - he was simply thinking too much.

So, that's my clarity for how to be of assistance to him.  My suggestion (it's just that) is that we talk long and hard about surrender.  About being really licked.  About being done.  For a long time.  A really long time.  Perhaps for the duration.

Bill W. talks in the movie "Bill Wilson Discusses the 12 Traditions" about how, in the course of developing the wording for AA's 5th Tradition, there were long and argumentative discussions.  Clearly, our real purpose is to lead folks toward a spiritual awakening sufficient to recover from alcoholism.  That's the deal.

But, the only thing that seemed to consistently work with those groups and members who were successful is that they'd learned their lesson from John Barleycorn.  If booze hasn't taught you all the lessons you need, you may not be ready for the solution we have to offer. 

I think that might be a clue with Mike.


Best I've got for now...

Leadership in AA...

Over the weekend, I attended the Southwest Regional Forum in Dallas, TX.

I had a conversations with my sponsor last Wednesday about AA leadership.  He reminded me about when I came into the program, I was bouncing off all the walls, spouting off psycho-babble, arrogance and  everything except AA or our program of recovery.

Over time, the quiet, consistent, leadership of those who loved and supported this fellowship eventually won me over to where I am now.  It wasn't much more than the casual comment here or there which directed my thinking and actions.  Perhaps, not even that - just the fact that they had a spiritual presence and commitment  that was infectious and clearly better than what I had to offer.

I now have a lot of concerns about our fellowship and our ability to survive the current seeming attacks on AA from all fronts.  I went to the Forum ready to "do battle" and find fault with those who I blame, in part, for the woes that befall my home group and AA as a whole.

What I found instead of a battle was a sincere appreciation and agreement by those at the bottom of our service triangle. They agree with me about the challenges that confront us in carrying a pure AA message of experience, strength and hope in the AA program of recovery.  The agree as well about some of the challenges that face the fellowship and service structure which supports that message and purpose.

They encouraged me to take action where I saw that action was required, tell the truth where I saw danger and need for change, and to look for those who would support the future we desired to build for our fellowship.

I think AA leadership is still working...

Amazing...

Fellowship...

I just returned from a weekend conference in Gillette, WY (about 7 hours away).

After our state convention last week, you'd think (I'd think!) that I could have found something better to do. There were, in fact, lots of other things to do around here but, well, I made the trip to Gillette.

I am amazed at how deep and quick my prejudices lie.

Being from Colorado, I'm well aware of how AA meetings go in sparsely populated parts of the country. Fellowship grows in importance and (what my prejudiced perspectives would term) the important spiritual transformation is watered down.

So, imagine my shock and surprise when, at this conference of ~150 people gathered from all over Wyoming, South Dakota and Montana (virtually no one there from a place with population >15,000 people), they could/would "school me" on the importance of and process of working the 12 steps, the importance of practicing the 12 traditions in all our lives, and the appreciations of our 12 concepts.

In short, teach me how to practice these principles in all our affairs...

Maybe this program is not in as bad of shape as I've sometimes thought - we might just need to empty out our cities...

But, I guess that's just another prejudice...

Bookstore...

We have a new Barnes & Noble that opened up in our town recently. They just moved from one store to a new one the built across the parking lot from the old one. I guess the real point of the exercise was that they needed to move out of their old store so that Whole Foods (I call them Whole Paycheck) could expand.

Anyway, I had a B&N certificate from xmas, I'd not been to the new store and my wife needed something at Whole Foods so an adventure was planned.

My first impression of the new store is it seemed silly to have built a store that was smaller than the old store. Since the layout is a little different, it was hard to figure out how much smaller it was but this is a town that is big on big bookstores (we even have a thriving independent bookstore), so you'd think that they'd at least match the store they're putting in malls.

The next part was the hard part of the endeavor. The book that I was looking for was in the "Addictions & Recovery" section. I must tell you that it's been at least 15 years since I've deliberately even slowed down in front of that section in any bookstore.

A few years ago, I fell in with a set of folks who studies and reveres AA's Big Book as the only authority on Alcoholism and AA's program of recovery. As someone who'd spend countless hours in the self-help section, I'd reformed and we'd either ridicule or try to weed out any other source of recovery guidance.

I must say, I'm still mainly in that camp today...

But, someone who I respect had recommended a book that I'd borrowed from the library, it's now going on 3 weeks overdue and, I think I want to add it to my library - if only temporarily.

...besides, since I was just using a gift card, it's not like I'm really buying it, is it?

...oh, yeah...

Anyway, so here I was in the "forbidden" section in the new store and several things occured to me:

1. This section is much smaller than it was 15 years ago. Personally, I think this might be a good thing. I sobered up in the middle of the alcoholism treatment boom. At the tail end of that, it seemed like everyone was writing a book and you could go to one of our local bookstores and see a wall of recovery literature. I'm sure some of it helped some people but it also may have ruined a good many AA meetings as folks shared some experience and opinions that are not consistent with AA's principles and program of recovery.
2. Much of what is there is not only, at face value, probably confusing to an alcoholic (I'm not a "drug is a drug" kinda person), but, again, at face value, probably can support the sickness more than recovery.
3. I don't think you can get what I've experienced in AA in a book. Several of the books reinforce this by suggestions like: "go to meetings" or, my favorite, "start a meeting". You can use a book to start a meeting with other people who've read that book and, well, I guess that's sort of how AA grew... But I just have visions that many of us who could join on a path are never going to meet.
   
4. In this section, AA has pretty good support but everyone has their way of "improving" it. I guess you have to do that if you're going to get someone to buy your book.
5. Surprisingly, they did have our Daily Reflections. That was the only AAWS literature that was there.
   
6. They didn't have the book that I went after (even though their computer promised me it was there...).

So, this morning I ordered it online. In order to get free shipping, I also ordered another book that I may discard at some point in the future...

I wonder about AAWS books beyond the Big Book. I've heard from a past General Service Board trustee that we've got several (5-6?) books that have been completed and then placed on the shelf since there is perceived needless controversy over publication or that they didn't seem to meet the purpose for what they were published for. In another case, there was a dispute with the author over rights that could not be resolved.

In spite of the respect and regard I have for our Big Book (very high), I wonder if we (as AA) can or will ever be able to publish another book. Or even if we should...

Just random musings on a gorgeous Friday morning...

The road...

We took a trip to Delta on Friday, then through Ouray and over Red Mountain Pass to Durango (some of my favorite scenes on the planet - the picture is not mine as we didn't take the time to get one of our own this trip but the vista is from Red Mountain Pass on the way out of town) on Saturday morning, back home Saturday night and then had our last meeting before the CO State Convention on Sunday.

It was an AA-filled weekend - talking with sponsees along the way, always aware of "what's next" and precious fellowship and AA service opportunities along the way.

I've whined in this blog in the past about being over committed and having too full a life. This weekend, knowing that I was going to probably feel that way again, I decided to just surrender and look for where I could be of service in each step of the way.

I didn't succeed 100% of the time (I usually don't).

But, in general, by putting one foot in front of the other and trying to have a positive, useful attitude, I got to see some of the prettiest country on the planet, was able to be useful to a drunk or 2 and, staid sober and healthy.

That's just good enough...

Tuesday 5th...

I started off my morning this morning with a work out, then a sponsee of nearly 15 years (how time flies...) did a 5th step. What a way to get rocketed out of oneself and into a spirit led life.

My life today amazes me. Not the fact of some of these things that are happening to me, but the choices I make and the general path of my life.

For example, instead of "working to fix my financial problems" (my wife's words), I spend 2-3 hours in the most intimate sharing I've ever had with other men and then blog about it. Seems sort of like, insane.

But, it was what I was supposed to do so we did it...

The whole thing of a 5th step in AA astounds me. I marvel how probably doctors or clergy or psychiatrists or even lawyers probably hear the sort of things I've heard in 5th steps. They're educated, skilled and, have a definite purpose and are effective at helping people.

My only credential is that I drank myself to the edge of oblivion, ruined my and several others' lives and, found (through grace) a spiritual solution to a problem of a physical, mental and, spiritual nature. I don't even get to pick the spiritual solution that will work for them in that I've sponsored Christians (several brands), Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, atheists and every variation in between. In all my times through the steps, I've only found one person on roughly the same path I've followed.

Yet, using our steps and practicing our principles, many have found a solution sufficient to their malady.

Amazing...

Response...

I spent the past several days doing some "research" on material that is on the web that is negative about AA. I don't think the reason for this is particularly interesting or relevant. I won't do this stuff the favor of mentioning directly here it but there is really a lot out there - probably more that is negative about AA than what is in support of AA if search engines are to be believed.

It left me feeling sad and hurt. I spent some time thinking what I could do in response to my feelings about this research and it finally occurred to me that the best thing to do was nothing. Then, it occurred to me that this blog might be the best forum for me to do nothing on. So, here are a few responses to some of what I've seen:

Allegation: AA is a cult.

Response: While I appreciated the disparaging intention in this accusation, when I look at the dictionary.com definitions of cult, several definitions do fit what I generally consider a part of AA. We do like our different rituals and we do expect some general conformity from members (e.g. not drinking). There are also popular parts of our fellowship where there is guru adoration and the stuff that would be as familiar in Jim Jones' Jonestown as any AA meeting hall.

My own experience is that we "...create the fellowship (we) crave..." (Big Book, p. 164) and that I would be the 1st to criticize some of what is done in the name of AA as not conducive to my recovery from alcoholism. But, increasingly, I've seen where what seems like weird stuff to me can be useful to others. So, my general attitude is "live and let live" and look for what I can contribute in my little AA community.

Allegation: Bill and several of the co-founders were scoundrels, crooks and ill-intentioned opportunists.

Response: In a strange and perverse way, I find a great deal of comfort in hearing of how "bad" some of these folks might have been. That Bill might have been a womanizer or some of our early trustees might have been politically impure gives me a little hope. My own life, before and in recovery, has been less than stellar. I judge my moral behavior probably on a similar scale to what Bill did and the fact that we can both come up short (far short in my own case) gives me hope that I might be useful with the imperfections that I own.

Allegation: The General Service Office, AA World Services Board, AA Grapevine Board, General Services Board, and other parts of the organization are corrupt business entities.

Response: I'm pretty sure that some or all of these organizations are, by nature, self serving and that some of the individuals involved (e.g. Trustees, General Managers, etc.) may have agendas that include accumulation of wealth and fame. Again, I find some perverse satisfaction in this. I believe that, for the most part, our leadership has genuinely had their hearts in the right place - probably few, if any of them, have ever woken up in the morning and planned the demise of my beloved AA organization.

But, misguided or deliberate, I feel there is some justification of criticism where these organizations have made business decisions absent proper respect for our spiritual principles. As I've heard a number of times, what we do in service to our organization is often much less important than the way we make our decisions and do what we do. As someone who's been criticized as violating the spirit of our fellowship in business decisions I've participated in, I can appreciate the sensitivities involved in this.

However, I most fault the corporate mistakes I feel we've made (e.g. - secrecy, lawsuits, licensing, bad investments, bad priorities) with the possibility that the fellowship has never stepped up to the "ownership" of our organization as outlined in Concepts 1 & 2. There are many contemporary examples (from the 2009 General Service Conference) where the upside-down triangle of our organization (with the AA Group at the top) has been inverted in how decisions were made and setting of organizational directions. Allegedly, our organization could be completely changed or reorganized at the initiative of the Groups, given sufficient cause. It might be time to test that authority in at least some areas of interest.

It's also interesting to note that things are today as they ever were. Bill had as many or more issues with the organizations and boards that he created as any of us ever had. There is a balance and tension, by design, between the business interests and spiritual principles by which we wish to do this business. I don't think this tension is "bad" - only that, over time, it must be constantly and diligently monitored. My opinion is that we've failed to do this, as a fellowship recently (perhaps ever...).

Other allegations: There are many stories "out there" about individuals being seduced into immoral or illegal behavior by groups or individuals acting in the name of AA.

Response: I hate each and every one of these examples. I wish we could prosecute perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law and then some beyond.

However, we are a complex fellowship with sick individuals serving sick individuals. For the life of me, I don't know how to "fix" this. Truth is, I don't know that it needs to be fixed.

In my program, God is in charge of my life. From that experience, I've seen even the worst circumstances and my worst mistakes be used for my spiritual growth and betterment.

I believe that the same thing can happen to our fellowship at large. While I hate that anyone would ever be victimized by someone in the name of AA (and I know that it has happened), I don't get to see the whole picture from where I sit. If I observe it happening in my home group or Area, I will do what little I can to make up for it. I hope and pray that other members in other locations will be similarly motivated.

But, in the end, my only hope is that AA will be around as long as it's useful to God's purpose.

...and, I hope that I have the good sense to not be a member one day after AA is no longer useful to God's purposes in my life and the world...

It's the best I've got...

None my business...

I had a longish chat with my sponsor yesterday. We do this sometimes for the simple facet of sympatico - like minded folks who just need some support.

On the docket yesterday was much about health and wealth. I have 2 sponsees in the hospital today and both my sponsor and I seem to have some health challenges "up" for us now. We hate it, but they're just "up".

Both my sponsor and I are also on the downward slide of our lives with careers where we once found great meaning, importance and financial reward - that seems to be behind us. I get that I may never again make the money that I once did and, frankly, I'm not happy about that one bit.

So, after much musing, he reflected his memory of his sponsor (now dead for a while) who, in the midst of some of his life's challenges, offered that "...my life today is just none of my business..."

I get it...

My job is to live my life. Be responsible (e.g. do those things things that I can do to preserve my health, show up for work, etc.). To love my life.

The results are, well, just the results and, if I'm really on this deal, they are all about God's will and well, maybe it's all really just perfect.

I believe that it is...

So, what I do, what you do, what the world does, what I think of all that, what you think of all that, what anyone thinks of all that is, in fact, none of my business.

I remember when old timers used to talk about "...what your opinion of me just doesn't make any difference..." - I used to think how cold and uncaring. But, in a sense, they were right.

Please understand, I want you to like me. I want lots of people to like me. But, in the over all scheme of things, your opinion of me is none of my business...

Finally, how this thing (life) all turns out is none of my business. I'm here to grow and to learn. That seems to be what I'm uniquely qualified for in God's creation. If I'm supposed to be rich, that will happen. If I'm supposed to be the stellar example of health, that will happen.

But, powers greater than me are in charge of that agenda.

So, in the perfection of all that is perfect, the world today (not when I reach Nirvana) is exactly as it should be.

And now, my job is to be happy with that...

...something else I can work on....

Depression...

I remember a few years ago when I was about 15 years sober, I was traveling on business to New Jersey as I did several times a year. It was an entirely un-remarkable trip. I had an intention that I would check into my hotel and head out to an AA meeting in Red Bank that I got to occasionally. I was feeling sort of down but that was not unfamiliar with that in that I was overwhelmed and feeling inadequate in several areas of my life.

As I unpacked and changed in preparation for heading back out to my meeting, I turned on the TV and what happened to be on was an ad from a hospital chain (Charter?) that talked about "chronic depression".

The impact of that ad on me was profound! At long last, I found that these folks really, truly understood me. It was absolutely clear to me that I was "chronically depressed" and that my life would only make sense if I could cure that malady.

I still remember thinking: I have to call my wife! I have to call my AA sponsor! I need to check into this hospital immediately! This was truly a wake up call and immediate action was demanded!

Then, I had another thought...

I knew that this particular program on the TV was quick to hand out Prozac and other pills - that I'd known folks and sponsored folks who struggled with dealing with balancing medication and a spiritual program of action. I looked at where I was in my life and realized the fears that were causing my depression were selfish and familiar - my sponsor and I had been discussing them for a number of weeks.

So, I went to the meeting and had a good laugh at myself.

I seem to have a stable of sponsees and AA friends now who are enmeshed, to various depths, with depression and despair. I can't think of an area of our program where I feel more inadequate to share my experience or offer advice. I just make it clear to sponsees that:

1. I'm not a doctor - the only worse medical advice they'll get from what their head offers them is proscription from "Dr. Ed"
2. There are sometimes real, medical and biological reasons for depression that can and should be treated medically
3. Regardless of whether they are on medication or not, if they are alcoholic of my variety, they need to plug into AA (or some other solution) to work on the problem of alcoholism.
   
4. Life on a spiritual path is not always about feeling wonderful - but that a wonderful life is available, regardless of how you feel

It's been my experience and observation that healing from alcoholism is not necessarily evidenced by absence from depression or emotional (or physical) pain. We have our co-founder Bill's experience to support us on this assertion.

To AA friends (not sponsees), I will often just listen and possibly share my experiences. I try to steer clear of any advice other than "...have you discussed this with your sponsor and, possibly, your doctor?"

I have been advised by lots of folks that are in and out of AA to see a psychiatrist about my depressions (sometimes they get pretty bad). I've gone to therapy a few times in my 25 years. Sometimes, my therapists/doctors have suggested medications. When I discuss my reluctance to take medication at that time (I've never said I'd never take any medications - I think that would be silly...), they've appreciated my concerns and have been willing to try something different.

I think I might always struggle with depression. A few years ago, the cruelest thing a sponsor ever said to me was "...Ed, have you ever considered yourself as someone who doesn't have depression?" It seemed cruel at the time because I had, in fact, taken my depression on as an identity. Today, every day, I have to remind myself that God can heal my depression and that, some day, I might not have depression in my life.

That's not today, but I do have hope...

Just a visit...

My sister is coming to town today to visit my mother and I. The fact that she and her husband would leave their comfortable lives in the Midwest to visit is a miracle at a number of levels but, for me, it's an example of the power of the program of AA.

I was about 9 years sober (~16 years ago) when my sister finally was "up" on my 8th step list. It had become my habit for all amends to write out a letter in advance of scheduling and making amends to be clear as to my part and what I was doing in this amends. Most of the time, the letter was set aside and direct amends - face to face - were made.

As that letter was slowly written (actually, it took about 3 months of avoidance and 4 hours of writing), the clear nature of my perpetration to my sister became painfully clear. My selfishness had made our relationship a joke. I would show up and show off with grand gestures of family (take our whole family to her place for a visit - buy everyone dinners - talk big - then leave) and then, literally, have NO contact whatsoever for years at a time. I think the longest time we didn't communicate was nearly 10 years!!! No phone calls. No Christmas cards. No birthday cards. Nothing!!!

Her son was killed in a motorcycle accident and I swooped in, took charge of her life, made major decisions for her and her husband, acted like I was really "being there" for them and then, after a call or 2 when I got home, disappeared again out of her life completely for several years. Even when I was in the same city or nearby on travel, I wouldn't make the time to visit or talk to her - I was just completely and totally selfish and self-absorbed.

As I wrote out this long letter (I remember about 6-8 pages - could have been longer) talking about specifically what I'd done our whole lives and how that had brought harm to her and her family, I remember feeling pretty shabby (I still do, remembering it now). I discussed it with my sponsor and read it to him. I was sort of surprised when he agreed with me that the right way to handle this one was to just put the letter in the mail - one more "grand gesture" of a visit was not at all what would be appropriate for this relationship.

I can remember putting the letter in the mail and feeling a new sense of freedom and release. Some of what I'd been most ashamed of and felt regretful about in my past had been brought to light. The truth had, in fact, set me free. I was prepared for any sort of reaction from my sister: She could agree with me and express her anger at my betrayals. She could forgive me and we could move on. She could not respond and ignore it. I was prepared for anything.

...except, what happened...

About 3 weeks after I sent her letter, I got a letter from her. Nothing, in all of my arrogant selfishness prepared me for what she said in that letter. She thanked me greatly for my letter and then went on to describe a little about what her life for the past 40 years had been like.

You know, it had never, ever, EVER occurred to me - had never even been a blip on the horizon - had never even entered the nether ranges of my consciousness - that my sister and I had been raised in the same family. Huh.

That some of the stuff that went on with (or didn't go on with) my mother and my father might have affected her had never been a consideration to me - at all!!!

Whereas, for me, this childhood became fodder for my budding alcoholism and reinforcement for the spiritual malady and peculiar mental twists, for my sister, her childhood in that family was the basis for a deep, dark depression that influenced her life and her choices. I was dumbfounded - profoundly dumbfounded. My sister's way of describing some of what happened in our childhood family is that my parents raised 2 only children together.

At the end of her letter, she thanked me again but allowed that she'd been down the committed friendship many times and, while she was open to the possibility of a friendship with me, she was more willing to "wait and see" how things developed.

Shortly after this exchange, both her and I changed jobs so that we both set most of every day in front of computers and had access to email (16 years ago that was much less common than now). I would not be exaggerating a bit to say that we emailed each other a least 3 times a day and sometimes emails 10-12 times a day were common. It seemed like we were in constant communication.

We visited her, they visited us. We took vacations together. She and I have taken 5-6 trips together. I've told her my story a few times. She's told me her story (e.g. sitting on the foot of the bed with her husband's gun, willing herself to have the strength...) a few times. I think I probably know my sister more intimately than anyone else in her life. I can't think I have ANY secrets from her.

Over the past few years, our lives have changed - generally not much to our liking or in accordance with our plans. But, we're each on our journey and it's been amazing to share this with her.

All as a result of a 9th step amends...

Amazing.

Resentment...

A few years ago, when I was working with yet another alcoholic who didn't think they had any resentments, I came up with a description of a symptom of resentment that seemed profound (I must have heard it at an AA meeting somewhere since everything I have that's profound comes from someone else...):

"If you find yourself having an angry conversation with someone who is not actually there (either out loud or in your head) - chances are, you have a resentment."

Lately I've found myself having lots of those conversations. With my kids. With my sponsees. With myself. With bloggers. With other members in AA. With my wife. Especially with my wife...

I also noticed that I've written 3 times about the 4th step in the past 2 weeks. Huh.

I also noticed that it's been 3 weeks since I connected in any depth with my sponsor. Huh.

I would certainly like to know why, against my best thinking and best intentions, I can still sometimes get sick from this disease...

At least, today, I know something about how to recover from that...

I love this program...

Guidance...

Several people have blogged or commented recently about having a GPS in their car.

My own experience is that we got a car with a GPS in it about 2 years ago. It was my wife's car but in the course of several trips, we found it useful - so, I bought one for my truck (and to use in rental cars) before a long trip to an address I didn't know. I also activated the Navigator option on my Blackberry.

These devices have fundamentally changed how we travel. Very seldom do we ask for directions anymore. Very seldom do we use Google, Mapquest or other services to print out maps in advance. No longer do we assume the stressful roles of pilot and navigator when seeking out a new place. Generally, we just plug in the address and follow directions.

They are not perfect tools (yet):

• sometimes they can't find the address - but, between the 3 devices and some finesse and logic, we can generally get close enough
• occasionally they take you on weird detours (like take an off ramp to just get right back on the same highway) - but, if you use them as a guidance tool and have a little sense of adventure and fun, it's just part of the trip and you realize you don't have to take every turn they recommend
  
• sometimes I'd prefer another route - but, these are tools, not task drivers so I detour when I want and resume guidance when it's useful
• occasionally, these devices just seem to be flat lost; probably errant data in the map database or a software glitch - but, as compared to how much time we've spent lost in the past, the over-all time savings are incredible
  

As I was going to the airport last night, I was musing about what a great metaphor this is for my growing relationship with my Higher Power:

• I have the distinct feeling in my life today that I am guided - that my next turn is clearly indicated but that I don't know what the over-all route is (or even what's at the "destination"). My responsibility is to follow directions and make an effort.
• Sometimes, I can take a detour - there will be consequences (great or small, good or bad) but that doesn't mean that I'm damned to never returning to the route or guidance that is available to me.
• Sometimes I'm still lost, but I think it's likely that the fault as to why I wind up where I am is a consequence of my not following direction than it not being available to me.
• As the same roads get more familiar, I need the guidance less and less but there is always some road that will be new in the future where I will again have to trust those turn-by-turn directions.
• If I do take a detour or turn in the opposite direction, there are always directions to get back to the path that I was headed on...

I have a feeling that I could go on forever with this but it's really time to move on...