This stuff doesn't happen to me...

I've been sober for over 25 years and (conservatively) have been to over 175 conferences, roundups and workshops and heard 100's of great AA and Al-Anon speakers. I'm a junky for the fantastic, dramatic stories of how God works and heals lives and provides for his children miraculously.

I can think, off hand, of at least a dozen people whom I've heard where a point comes in their story where the despair is overwhelming, the hopelessness has about claimed it's victory, and people are asking for oblivion. Then, out of the blue, they open their mailbox and there's a check that's exactly the amount of the grocery bill or the rent or whatever...

As much as I love these stories and believe them to be the God's honest truth, there's always been more than a thread of skepticism that's lead to thoughts or comments like "...or, they could have gotten a job..." or, "...yeah, right, I think I'll just quit my job and wait for the mailbox to fill up with money..." My cynical nature may not be my most endearing feature but it's been a part of my most enduring character defects.

So, yesterday, I was in a funk. Seems to be some of that going around in the blog world these days so I didn't think much of it. I was startled to realize I'm going to have to come up with $4k in property taxes this week (good God, where does the time go!!!) and I'm still not making any income to speak of and the 3-50 projects or ideas I have for income don't seem to be getting any traction and it was the anniversary of Columbine and a web site that is launching is still not "complete" and I don't like how my wife is speaking to me and I'm late with at least a dozen spring projects and my allergies are bugging me... Well, there was no real reason, I was just in a funk and in some fear.

I opened the mail and there was a check for $12,070.27.

Back when I had a title in corporate America, they gave us lots of stock options. Since they'd decided they could do that and give us titles and options instead of cash (would that I had the intelligence to have been in line for the bonuses they're doing now... ;-) ) I regarded them as the worthless pieces of paper that they are. In the 7 years since they laid me off, I occasionally get paperwork that sometimes I remember to send in, sometimes I forget and usually, if I send it in, I wind up with a check for somewhere between $.26 (no joke) to ~$12. So, when I send in the paperwork, I'm just going through the motions so that they stop sending me paperwork.

I was surprised. I felt the sob at the back of my throat.

I think what the funk really was about is the fear (based on a core, belief - a certainty), that my life is about to collapse. That, what God has done for me for over 25 years is a joke and the punchline (which is not going to be good for me, I know this) is imminent.

I think I have some lessons to learn...

As Pam said earlier, God is good...

Ed