Saturday, April 4, 2009

Getting what I deserve...

Recently, I was asked how I was doing. I get that, in most occasions, this is just an acknowledgment of one's general existence in the room - people seldom (if ever) expect or want a full report.

For some reason, though, this time I responded with something I'd not said recently (used to be what I'd say all the time). I said "...better than I deserve..."

I say that because:
  1. It's true
  2. It reminds me that no matter how sorry I am for myself (seems to be a lot of that around some days), my best efforts resulted in something worse... My best thinking qualified me for AA.
The person I was talking to pointed out to me the higher truth that had been pointed out to me before (and was probably the reason I stopped saying this trite thing for a long time): it's simply not true - that, I what I've got is exactly what I deserve.

I hope I'm not the only one in this community that's noticed the many paradoxes in the program of AA. This is one I hadn't worked through in a long time:
  1. I am sober only by God's grace
  2. Everything in my life (regardless of my judgment as to whether it is good or bad or neutral) is there for a purpose - i.e. I not only deserve it but it's perfect for me.
I guess I'll just have to go back to saying "fine" when people ask how I'm doing...


1 comment:

Scott W said...

I find it sad when an alcoholic says they didn't deserve to be sober. Would anyone have a child and say that child didn't deserve to have all the happiness this human life can offer?