Mom...

In about 15 minutes, I leave to pick up my mother.  We "do lunch" about once a week.  I don't even think about these times without reflecting on Pam's chapter with her mom last year.

My mom may outlive us all.  She's a feisty 88 years young but she's getting more frail each week and month.  She's happier today than I've ever known her in my life.  About 12 years ago, she moved from my home town (where she lived for nearly 70 years) to a senior apartment in the town where we live.  I suppose most people think she moved to be closer to me but her real reasons for moving were: 1) she was "done" with that small town, 2) she wanted to simplify her life (sell her house, etc.) and, 3) as her luck would have it, she lives on the 10th floor of a rent controlled senior residence with a gorgeous mountain view.  She's living today a life that she had only dreamed of a few years ago with lots of senior activities and a bunch of fellow curmudgeons that can always find something or someone to gripe about.

As I've pointed out in a few previous articles, we all get a kick out of the fact that, if you ask her, the biggest problem she has today is that her son (me) doesn't come to visit her often enough.  In fact, she will probably let you know that even if you don't ask her.

I have understood it for a number of years that this part of our life is not at all about me doing whatever it would take to please her.  I have a lifetime of experience and numbers of AA inventories to assure me of the futility of that.  What I get is the great privilege to do what I can to be "complete" with her.

A few years ago, a spiritual guide shared that, when he made his amends to his mom, she stopped him and said: "Son, all I've ever wanted for you in my life was for you to be 'happy'."  So, for 30 years, he stopped by her house every Sunday and was "happy" - regardless what was going on with him and his life. That's the model that I strive to follow.

My sponsor and I had a long chat Wednesday night.  We covered an area of my life where I've suffered great frustration for at least 20 years.  It is at the core of my identity.  After a thorough discussion of the truth around my frustration, we talked at some length about St. Francis.  We talked way too much for my comfort about "giving with without expectation."  We both came to the conclusion that I can't do that.  I've never been able to do that and will likely never be able to do it.  So, unless God changes something fundamental in me and my universe, it will never change - I will die a selfish death as a result of my alcoholism.

So today, mom and I will have a perfect lunch.  As is our style, we might wind up spending the whole afternoon on the quest of the next great health aid.  I will probably hear more about bowel movements and aches than I ever intended to hear.  I will get to adore her enough that she can't escape the fact that she is special and loved.

(later - couldn't finish without being late)

Our "mission" today was to have included lunch and then run an errand to her doctor's office.  Imagine our shock when after we'd successfully beat the lunch rush by getting there at little before noon, we finished lunch and realized the doctor's office was closed from noon to 2pm.  What to do?

We got 3 plastic glasses she needed at the dollar store (3 for a dollar), went to 2 grocery stores to get the pumpkin she wanted, went for a quick drive into the foothills to see the deer, got her pills at the doctor's office (yes, they're the same ones carried at probably 20 other stores in our town) and went to her place so that I could open her jars of sauerkraut and beets.  It was a pretty typical day with mom.

The same spiritual guide that I mentioned before talked about his frustration when his elderly father would have him drive all over Denver so that he could cash in his free battery coupons at Radio Shack - one battery at each store.  He never really used many (if any) of the batteries but he was the battery go-to guy for the family.  My guide was complaining about these incredible monthly journeys to his sponsor when his sponsor asked him: "...didn't he do something special for you when you were young?"  He tearfully remembered the times that he had his father drive him all over Denver to find a 10-cent comic book he wanted and never complained about the battery trips again.

Part of the ritual of these deals is for mom at some point to express how terrible she feels about taking me away from my day.  I doubt that she's really all that sincere about her regret but it seems to be what she needs to say as a part of the dance we do.

I think when I left today, mom felt a little bit special.

I hope so.

New Information...

Philip and I got together this morning as we do most every Thursday at 6am.  We had a great discussion as we always do.

I've not written about him for a number of months simply because, well, he's just turned into another soldier in the program - just a drunk doing this deal to the best of his ability and dealing with sobriety, one day at a time.  Left to my own devices, I would certainly not choose to love these guys - it hurts to much when they hurt.  But, in spite of my best efforts to protect myself and my interests - here we are...

It was with no small amount of misgivings that I started out with him. He faced impossible odds, so many fail coming from his dire circumstances, he's not certainly of the same culture and background of most members in our AA community, etc.  But, here we are 6 months later and we're slogging through the book.

Some would be critical of the method that I use in going through the program - hell, I'm critical of how I go through the program.  We basically read the book, one line at a time, and discuss what it says and relate it to our experience and our lives.  As we started out months ago, I went through some now familiar misgivings: it's an old book written in a style I find, well problematic; it doesn't relate much to today's times; it's a very slow process for someone to get what they need for today to stay sober.  Many misgivings.

About 3 months ago, one more time, I saw the miracle happen with Philip as it has for me and many others.  He is alive and different in ways that are, to not put too fine a point on it, miraculous.  And, we haven't gotten to steps 3 and 4 yet.  I can't help but get excited at the possibilities which will open up for someone who's higher power is acting so powerfully in his life.

This morning, we read:

"...We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people--was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight?...
...When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did." BB p. 52

He "got it" and, more important to this article, I got it.  The solution to these "bedevilments" is a simple reliance upon God. Duh!

Have I mentioned recently that I've been stuck in self?  A lot?

Here is evidence of the problem (yes, with 26 years of sobriety, I can and do still get sick and have evidence of these bedevilments).  Here is the solution.

AA works - it really does.

Pray for me...

I got a call last night from Little Greg.  You probably have a Little Greg around some of your meetings.  He now has over 11 years of sobriety in AA but he's been around over 25 years.  He's put the touch on most everybody over the years in his several "careers."  He's been (off the top of my head) a truck driver, an actor, in charge of maintenance, a deliveryman, a store manager, a baggage handler - a long list of attempts to re-invent himself and get into a new life.  I can remember at least 5 times when he's had a car, a nice place to live, everything was going his way and then, suddenly, it all falls apart.

It's not his fault.  Ever.

He is a victim.

Greg lived with us for a couple of months 2 years ago.  He was in the middle of rebuilding his life one more time and it was great to see that it was all going so well for him "this time."  We finally had to set a time for him to move out (before he could afford it...) but, well, we were just done with him.  And, it seemed like several things had conspired to make this a good time.

He has as strong a grasp of the AA program as anyone I know.  He's been sponsored by men I consider heroes in AA.  He can cite chapter and verse about selfishness and self-centeredness,  spiritual awakening and service.

Last night, Little Greg was standing in the cold in the line to get into the homeless shelter overflow in Denver.  We both knew he was only about 45 minutes away from my house if I chose to drive down and pick him up and bring him home to one of my warm, empty, beds.  He didn't ask to come to my place.  He did ask if he "had anything outstanding for which he needed to make amends" - I thought hard (and prayed hard) and said "no - I think we're current."

We talked for about 30 minutes.  I noticed that he'd been able to get his cell phone turned back on (it'd been shut off earlier in the month) but I didn't mention that.  He complained extensively about how someone with 11 years and 8 months should not be living like this.  How he'd been put in this place by an injury and a medical system that wouldn't meet his needs.  About how long any sort of disability assistance would take to get in place.  He complained a lot.

I felt really bad for him and I shared that with him.  I assured him that I had no answers for him.  I shared the experience of a guy I sponsor who's living in a homeless shelter and where he's found opportunities to be of service there to those people.  I shared as openly and as honestly as I could.

At the end of the conversation, he said "I have a really selfish request of you." I held my breath - in the past, what has followed is a request for money or something else.  What he said was: "Will you pray for me?"

That was interesting.  I wasn't prepared for it but I got that it was the entirely appropriate request and the entirely appropriate thing for me to do.

...and, something I forget to do as often as I might...

I hope he's OK...

AA Renewal

I'm reluctant to post this here but it seems like I need to at least mention this on this blog for, well, I don't know - integrity?

There is a minority of folks in Alcoholics Anonymous who feel that AA may be sick as an organization and, perhaps, as a fellowship.  We are not sure what, if anything, could or should be done about it but we see symptoms of this illness in our meetings and our AA business endeavors (e.g. our service commitments).

We are not among those who feel the need to bash AA or that AA as an institution is actually harming people.  To the contrary, all of us involved in this thus far feel we owe our sobriety, our very lives to AA as it existed when we found it in that it led us to accept the grace of God and become spiritually awakened as a consequence of AA's program of recovery.

We are convinced that, if AA is to change (a big if), it will change as a consequence of people talking about what changes might be made at coffee around our meetings, at our groups' business meetings, at our assemblies and our General Service Conference.  What a few of us realized this past fall is that we wanted to have an area where we would be able to brainstorm and collaborate about what AA could do to fix what we feel are fundamental problems in our organization.

Or, perhaps what we know as "AA" today should just be allowed to disappear and that the next organization (if any) to come up will be born anew from the ashes of that old organization?

I don't know the answer.  I don't think anyone who's participated in this effort so far feels that we know all the answers.

What I do know is that, for me as a member of AA today, if AA were to pass into obscurity by, in part, my lack of action, I would wonder if "I should have done something..."  So, I am participating in this new site where we hope to be sorting out some of these thoughts.  Again, this is not a new "movement" or a set of folks who want to do anything other than seek some clarity about the hard issues we need to face and deal with as a fellowship.

Or deliberately decide not to.

So, if you care, check out aarenewal.org.  Participate and/or register if you want to.  Mention it to others if it seems useful.  Ignore it completely if it seems irrelevant or against your principles of participation in AA.

All that said, I think what I've generally been doing on this blog is completely separate from my participation on the aarenewal.org site.  While I might share my experiences as a sober member in both places, what I see is that this blog is only a reflection of my personal experience trying to apply the AA principles in an imperfect life.  That other space is a place we're trying to improve an organization we think is imperfect by applying these principles.  Related but not the same.

But, I thought some readers here might want to know something about where my head has been at when I'm not writing here...

Forget about ED once and for all...

I bet few of you have the same reaction I do when I see this subject line (blog title) in my email box.

If they only knew how long and how hard I tried to forget about Ed....  To just get rid of him.  To numb the racket of him out.  And I was really looking for a once and for all solution...

The best I've found to date to do this is the program of AA.

I think I know what people mean when they say in some of the meetings I attend that "AA is a selfish program."  I just really hate it when they say it.

My experience has been that selfishness is the basis for the despair that led me to seek a permanent solution.  There is no doubt today as much as there was no doubt 25 years ago that selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of my problems.

What I have as an antidote to that today is selfless giving and humility.

When I truly live in that space (happens occasionally), I get to forget about Ed for a while.

That is a solution for Ed today...

Internet and AA - recovery social networks

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

Yesterday, I wrote about AA members' participation in the current technology of online social networking.   I was tempted, in this article, to simply write "the same, only more so" and drop it at that.  That still may have been the best idea.

However, most of the people reading this are probably aware that, of the rapidly growing specialty networks and groups, "recovery networks" are among the largest and fastest growing of the social networks.  One "authority" has a guess of about 1,000 recovery social networks online today and several more popping up each week.  We drunks do like to meet.

Unfortunately (or, fortunately if you're in the business), addicts and every other variant of substance abuse or folks who use 12-step or other recovery programs also like to meet.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I've decided to not mention any of these web sites or networks by name here.  They're easy to find and are referenced often in others' blogs and recovery articles.  One of them boasts over 140,000 members and includes tools like graphs that link your sponsorial lineage much the same as heritage sites link up family trees - sometimes all the way back to Bill and Bob, if all the links are in place.  Another of the sites has, I'm told, over 40,000 members - all with what purport to be actual picture of members in their profiles (it's strongly encouraged there).  In my AA community, it's probably unlikely that you'd find a meeting without at least one member advocating one of these online networks.

All of the sites/networks that I've investigated (probably about 15-20 total so far) have many of the items of concern that I raised in yesterday's article about AA in generic social networks/online communities.

That said, there are people who are getting and staying sober as a consequence of the generous participation of real drunks and addicts in these forums.  Thank you God.

However, the license that's presumed of talking only with "people in recovery" in a community or a partitioned part of a larger health or special interest community, I think, might leave us as AA members at less than our best.  Therefore, I'm only slightly reluctant to delineate some of the concerns I have about AA members' participation in these networks.  I know there are some networks that avoid some of these pitfalls and there may be some "perfect" sites out there that I'm not aware of yet.  I will keep looking.

In the mean time here are some gross generalities about what I think might be wrong with participation in these sites as an AA member (in no particular order):

1. The presumed "closed-ness" of these sites seem to give some people the assumption that personal anonymity is not necessary or useful.  People use full names, pictures and, sometimes, location information that seems reckless even for privacy concerns, especially given some of the details that they reveal about themselves.  Clearly, for some, there are agendas well beyond "recovery" in the social interactions.  I can imagine there is some real connecting beyond the online social network - in the carnal sense.
   
2. This open-ness can be good and harmless.  But, much as happens with 13th-stepping in face meetings, you can see people "hitting on" newcomers.  I've entertained the thought  of posing as a newcomer on some of these sites ("...anyone can be a Las Vegas showgirl on the internet...") and ensnaring some of these predators.  Question is, what would I do when I got them?
   
3. All of these networks are paid for by something and the message gets muddled as a result:
1. Some are clearly partitions/sub-groups of other social networks where the goals may or may not be well articulated (a church, a "health network", a treatment center, etc.).  The bias of the membership and leaders is clear in some ways and hidden in others so that I always expect someone is subtly trying to sell me something.  I've known people who have attempted to parlay their participation in a recovery social network into a career.
   
2. Many of these networks are paid for by advertising.  I may be prudish but I find it disgusting to have adds for treatment centers, books, other online services or, electronic smokeless cigarettes on the page where I'm sharing my experience, strength and hope in AA.
3. Some purport to be (at least partially) self-supporting but, in my limited investigation, I've not found any site with any current and credible disclosure of expenses and contributions.
4. As of yet, I've not found any of these networks that support any sort of primary purpose or singleness of purpose in accordance with AA traditions.  Even those forums and sites where there is implied strong AA affiliation (e.g. guidelines posted of "please limit your sharing in this forum to alcoholism and the recovery from alcoholism only "), sharing is not effectively constrained.  It reminds me of a local group that had closed AA meeting that would, if a non-alcoholic showed up, take a quick vote and open the meeting to all.  Every time.
   One can clearly see the utility of this - you get more members in your network if you include everyone and some of these sites really encourage you to maximize your "identification" across all programs/fellowships they try to serve.
   If you're concerned about AA's singleness of purpose in the world of recovery (I am), you might be marginalized in these forums/networks.
5. As far as I know, there is no common, open, technology today that will eliminate what you say in one forum being copied or placed in some other part of the web.  Even those proprietary systems which protect data and images can generally be thwarted by novices.  As recently as this morning, something I posted in one Yahoo! group was copied to another group that I'd deliberately not placed this information in.  It's just the nature of the beast that what you share online can and does take on a life of it's own.  This includes your pictures and your personal information as well.

As I stated yesterday, this technology is changing rapidly.  I've not even mentioned in these articles the huge number of "online meetings" based on email lists or other "bulletin board" platforms as I think the new social networking platforms have largely overtaken these in a very few years (at least in terms of numbers).  These current platforms are not static either and will more toward yet better ways of establishing and maintaining contacts.

Again, as I said yesterday, I don't think these negatives should keep us, as AA members, from participating in some of these forums.   I think we should, however, give the same prayerful consideration of how and where we apply all our principles in this arena - knowing full well that there is both a persistence (this information that I'm sharing might outlive me) and a scope (when I post this message, it will be available all over the world for anyone to use or misuse as they choose) that is new in this generation of AA to this type of sharing.

God's purposes in AA will surely be done in this arena at least as well as they've been accomplished until this time.

I hope so.

Something different...

In the past 177 posts on this blog, I've tried to do some general sharing of my experience in life in respect to AA's principles.

Now, I've agreed to participate on a panel hosted by our Area PI committee on "What does the Internet have to do with AA?"

The "issues" on the table are typical regarding anonymity, group use of the internet, practices on social networking sites, etc.

I've been spending the past several weeks thinking about it but it finally dawned on me today that I don't have to do this thing alone.

The setup for this meeting is that this PI committee is very conservative about things internet. There's no small irony that I've raised many of the issues and perspectives that are now being used for support of non-participation in AA internet stuff.

I did an article on my own part of this process (figuring out anonymity and the internet) earlier.

So, what I'm will be doing this week is thinking (here) some about blogging, internet stuff and AA.

I would look forward to comments, private mail other information or other perspectives.

I'm clear that I'm not about changing anyone else' mind.

Feels like...

Recently, I was at a workshop on the Traditions and Concepts of AA.  It was an odd format in that 6 presenters each had about 10 minutes to cover some portion of all the material so that all 24 concepts and traditions were covered,  lightly at best.

One of the most "masterful" presenters did a great job explaining the several traditions he was given but then, wrapped it up by saying "...all this is to say that there are definitely things that AA 'is' and AA 'is not' - but, over time in our fellowship you begin to learn that some things clearly 'feel like AA' and other things 'feel like they're not AA'".  I think he then went on to say that we don't use our traditions as some sort of legal test as to whether things are appropriate or not but instead as a guideline to the general principles we conduct ourselves by.

I've spent some time since thinking about this.

On the one hand, I hate this.  I am, by nature and training, a programmer, an engineer and, a scientist.  If it can't be measured, to me it generally doesn't exist or it isn't important.  If I can't prove me right and you wrong by our traditions, I see much less value in them.

On the other hand, what he said rang true and I think, largely, is  true for us in our fellowship.  I've been to dances that were clearly "AA" and I've been to weekend-long conferences with AA in the title that were clearly not "AA".  In some instances, it is clear to understand why that was the case - e.g. support of our primary purpose, opportunities of one alcoholic talking to another, being self supporting, telling the truth, etc.  In other cases, it was not so clear as to why they were or weren't - but, what was undeniable was there was either a spirit present or there wasn't.

I have found several of us have adopted a thread on this in the blogosphere in this that the consciousness of this discussion has started to evolve.  I think it's important.  I must, because I'm on the threshold of devoting a significant part of my time and treasure toward supporting that conversation (more on that possibly in a few weeks).  But, that's just me.

More importantly, as I've discussed this with my sponsor and other members, I've also spent some time reviewing AA history and realize that this is not a new conversation or quandary.  From the very start (in 1935), we were having similar discussions about what "it is" and what "it isn't" - long before it was named "AA".  There have been deep and harmful schisms in our fellowship.  Peoples' feelings have been hurt and there have been accusations and recriminations in public and in private.  AA itself has seemed on the very brink of extinction multiple times.

So, today, even with our beloved traditions, concepts and 75 years experience, we may not have any better tools than they did in 1935 to guide us. Hopefully, at it's core, we will be a fellowship of folks who've recovered from a fatal malady through a spiritual awakening to be able to discern in our individual lives and fellowship the hand of God.

And then, following the direction of that hand, participate in what "feels like AA" and refrain from participating where it "doesn't feel like AA".

International Experience...

When I showed up at the 2000 International in Minneapolis, it was the 3rd International that I'd been to so I knew better than to show up without having a commitment to help out.

I love International conventions - I can't recommend them high enough but, you must understand, I am an introvert. If I go to a meeting and there aren't chairs to be put away or dishes to be done, I'm at some risk of being drunk before my wife, the extrovert, is ready to leave. So, from the previous 2 Internationals I'd learned that there are precious few chances to clean ashtrays or put away chairs so I needed to sign up in advance.

We got there a day early, attended a few meetings and, by Thursday afternoon, were in serious need of a "job". We got to our sign-up post 20 minutes early and our "supervisor" was annoyed enough that he basically gave us the assignment of "...just go out front and great people as they come in - help them find their way to registration..." - (implied: do anything - just get out of here - I think he was an introvert too...).

So, with no small amount of trepidation, I found myself in front of the convention center on a gorgeous July afternoon with hundreds of folks meeting and greeting.

I spotted my first victim!

I approached a black man, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable, in a green tee shirt, hugged him and said "...welcome to Minneapolis!!! Can I help you find something?"

He had the oddest look on his face as he sized me up and sort of awkwardly said "...well, no, I'm working over there (pointing to toward the building) and was just taking a break..."

Then I noticed that all the food vendors lined up against building wall had staffed their booths with folks in green tee shirts just like this dude...

He didn't say anything more to me but sort of kept his eye on me as he hurried back to his hot dog stand. I caught him staring at me a couple of more times in the afternoon.

The next 2 hours flew by as I talked to drunks from all over the world and helped them get registered, figure out where events were, and just chatted the afternoon away. But none was better than that first exchange. I wonder if he still tells his family about working that convention with those weird AA people....

I hope so...

Philip 6 ...

I marvel at how AA is with our newcomers.

Some people just show up and the room swarms to them and embraces them. Others, AA people are more tentative and aloof. Myself, when I showed up in my 3-piece suit and money hanging out of my pockets was pretty much left alone until people could notice if I was going to land anywhere soon or if I was always going to be "better than" until I just died. For the most part, people still leave me to myself 25 years later, but that's a different story...

I marvel at Philip and peoples reaction to him.

In the 3 months since he was delivered to me as a new newcomer (btw - when you search Google images for newcomer, you find that there are lots of people named Newcomer - imagine! All the gravestones for Newcomer bring interesting ideas in AA...), he's been seduced twice, picked up as a "project" a few times by well meaning men and women, gotten job offers (bogus and real) - i.e. he can't seem to show up in AA and just be left alone. This is good. But, it's interesting watching the over-all impact with him.

As the aftermath of his latest relapse of ~10 days ago subsides, he's found new willingness and I think ready to set aside some of the drama of life in early sobriety and start into working the AA program of recovery.

As I've written before, I've struggled trying to figure out how to be helpful with him. I've not done with him what I've done with new sponsees for the past 20 years - start at the beginning of the Big Book and go through it, line by line. Partly because of the peculiar nature of his situation (on a tight leash at the recovery center with lots of time on his hands and unavailable to regular meetings with me) and more because of changing perspectives I've had in my life and AA program.

But now, I think we're going to start at page 0 - you know, the blank cover leaf to the book that has nothing on it - which is all you know about alcoholism and living as an alcoholic when you start into this process...

...and then, we'll just see what happens...

The road...

We took a trip to Delta on Friday, then through Ouray and over Red Mountain Pass to Durango (some of my favorite scenes on the planet - the picture is not mine as we didn't take the time to get one of our own this trip but the vista is from Red Mountain Pass on the way out of town) on Saturday morning, back home Saturday night and then had our last meeting before the CO State Convention on Sunday.

It was an AA-filled weekend - talking with sponsees along the way, always aware of "what's next" and precious fellowship and AA service opportunities along the way.

I've whined in this blog in the past about being over committed and having too full a life. This weekend, knowing that I was going to probably feel that way again, I decided to just surrender and look for where I could be of service in each step of the way.

I didn't succeed 100% of the time (I usually don't).

But, in general, by putting one foot in front of the other and trying to have a positive, useful attitude, I got to see some of the prettiest country on the planet, was able to be useful to a drunk or 2 and, staid sober and healthy.

That's just good enough...

Seattle serenity...

We got to Seattle last Thursday and, apart from being our anniversary, we were in the firestorm of a relationship breakup with the parents of our youngest grandaughter.

Firestorm is way much of an overstatement - they are in the politely moving to set up separate households stage (a stage I never got to in any of my divorces so it's sort of unfamiliar). It's such an amazing thing to get to be useful buying spice racks, hanging pictures, putting away new pots and pans, organizing groceries, and being positive and up beat when you know someone feels like their life is burning down around them...

Apart from that big piece of drama, it's been a wonderful visit. I only get to see the g'girls (we have 8 g'kids - 4 g'boys in the Denver area, 4 g'girls in Seattle - must be the water...) once or twice a year so it's great to hang with them and love on them if only for a little while. We know our roles well: sugar 'em up, caffeinate them, spoil 'em thoroughly, then leave. We do it pretty well.

Yesterday we spent a perfect afternoon on Lake Washington and Lake Union. Today we will sight-see in some of my favorite places on the planet. Tomorrow we pack up, say farewells and then we're home again Wednesday night.

When I think of the tornado I was in my family 30 years ago, I'm truly blessed to have this chance.

It's a pretty sweet life...

Diversions...

I was struggling yesterday to write an article on the 4th Step principles when I got a call from Denver Central Office about a guy in ICU in a community hospital about 25 miles away.

Jeffry (not his name) was in as a consequence of an OD and thought he might be an Alcoholic as well. I called him and talked to him and his wife. Most of the contacts I had in that town were either busy or out of town so I figured it was only 50 miles out of my way for other errands I needed to run and it was a glorious spring day so, why not?

I arrived and heard a story that was all of the drama we talk about. Turns out, this is the 2nd OD that's put him in the hospital in a year. This time he died - they had to use the paddles to resuscitate him. His exit drug was Oxycotton. I've never done these drugs but had sponsored someone who kicked this crap about a year ago and so I could appreciate the pain and suffering (it was ~65 degrees in his room and he was sweating like a pig) he was going through.

Although drinking was a part of his deal, he was pretty clear that he was an addict. He had plugged into NA as well as made the call to AA.

His wife was there and she was an acknowledged "heavy drinker" - possibly alcoholic.

As a consequence of the drama when he was hauled into the hospital, their 2 children were removed from the family.

They thought this might be a "wake-up" call for them. They had lots of the usual questions: 'What about God/religion?" "How do I start?" "How does it work?" "Where can I go to meetings?" "What's the difference between AA and NA?" "How can I stop drugging/drinking?" "The doctor wants to prescribe some drugs for me - can I do that?" "Can I be both an addict and an alcoholic?" "How can I never drug/drink again?"

I prayed my ass off to be available to being useful. I tried to listen hard. Most of their questions I either set aside or talked of my or others' experiences.

As I said, he was a hurting unit so he was only able to be with me for about 45 minutes. I got his permission to pass their phone number to others in our sponsorship family for follow up. I'll call him again in a few minutes.

Life just doesn't get any better or sweeter.

Enduring lectures...

I am blessed with a couple of people in my life who love to lecture me occasionally about my inadequacies - how what I do is not enough or that I'm thinking wrong or that I don't treat my boogers right or that I'm doing it the wrong way or that I have so much to be ashamed of or that ...

Through the years as I've worked the 12 steps and had several experiences of deeper spiritual awareness, I've had multiple sponsors and guides advise me to shed these relationships - to move on past them and grow relationships that are more nurturing and supportive of me in my life. I must say, I've been and still am severely tempted by that approach but there's something in me that keeps me engaged in these relationships.

I think, in their own imperfect ways, these people love me and I know for a fact that, given the view of the same scene in our lives, what I would see as criticism and harmful, they view as loving and honest.

I stay in these relationships today not because I ever expect them to change how they talk to me (although that would be most welcome any day...), but because I love them and care about them and am committed to the relationship. I feel some level of responsibility and commitment that, for today, prohibits me from leaving.

I sometimes envy the folks I see in our wonderful program who seem to embrace and release relationships like so much jewelry. They adorn their world with supportive and up-beat folks and discard those who criticize or become burdensome. It sometimes seems like that would be a much better world than the one I have.

But, it would not be my world. I seem to need the folks who are in my life. And, often, after enduring yet another lecture or unfair criticism or accusation, I realize that I'm somehow the better for it - that these people really do bless my life in a special way.

I think I bless their lives too...

...at least, I hope so...

Sanctimonious...

I'm fairly new to this blogging thing. (I've decided I'm going to stop saying that after 90 days - while I'm years behind some who are publishing daily articles online, I've eventually got to stop using that as an excuse...) Sometimes, while I'm reading others' blogs, during a meditation time, in the middle of talking with my sponsor or a sponsee, or other random times during the day - a word just pops into my head.

That's really all I can say happened to select the title for this article: sanctimonious. No, I'm not talking about you (sing it Carly - "...you're so vain...!!!"). This one is about me. Being arrogant or sanctimonious (I looked it up - it's not a compliment) is something I've been accused of and have in fact been most of my life.

This isn't "true confession time" or anything like that - it's just a word that came up and we're going with it.

Over 20 years ago, an incident back in my 1st year of college came up in a 4th step that I wrote. The incident was one of those in my past that I wish I could obliterate from my memory. I was stone cold sober at that time (I was most of that year, in fact) - that makes it just that much worse. I was a theater major that semester (I was a pre-law major the next semester and an engineer the semester after that...). I was working on the stage on a production of Peter Pan and a girl (Andrea?), the most stone-cold fox in the department, walked up to me and just said "...Ed, you are just one big ego trip..." and turned away and walked off.

I was clueless what to do with that but was mortified so I took it on as a badge of honor and repeated that scene to everyone on the set - I still remember the confused looks and reactions that people gave me - sort of like "...you poor, pathetic, freak...". Frankly, to this day I still don't know exactly what she meant or why she was telling me that.

Yet, that incident froze in one vision the whole mess of my life and the true depth of the spiritual malady I'm recovering from to this day:

1. I was desperately confused and afraid
2. to say that I was socially inept is a huge understatement
3. because of this fear (for my very existence), I desperately needed your approval
4. the only 2 roles I could generally play to my advantage were victim and a sort of pseudo-humble
   
5. mix the previous together, you can probably get a vision of me acting out, showing off, ducking responsibility, quitting

Gawd I still wish I could get past the memory of that scene.

Yet, as the promise is in our Big Book, I do "... not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it..." because, as I relate to some of the folks I sponsor, I can relate to the nature and depth of their problems. The ugly scene in my head still seems to be useful to others.

Today, I hope I can grow past that vision of the desperate egotist I know I am. I pray God it's possible...

Life as one coincidence after another...

The photo is the Manhattan Bridge and Midtown from the Brooklyn Bridge on Wednesday night taken with my Blackberry.

I marvel that, in the spirit led life, you just sort of find yourself in these places with wonderful people and, just when it seems that life couldn't possibly get any better, it improves.

I don't know when (or, I suppose even if...) I will get caught up with my blogging activities and postings but I must say that, for now, it seems like I'm where I'm supposed to be. God is gracious and I still feel like I will eventually go back to the study of the principles that got me here, but I'm giving up for at least today any thought that I know for sure what my life is going to look like...

And that, for today, is just a miracle...

Ed

Starting over...

One of the useful things I find in publishing a blog is that it provides me a place to put those unfinished conversations that I seem to have around in my head all the time. For example, I try to take my responsibilities as a sponsor pretty seriously and I find myself often reflecting on what was said, not said and could have been worded better. Many times I seem to take that to the web and inflict it on everybody (or nobody) who drops by here.

Please don't take me wrong - I get it that that all I did to qualify myself as someone who's a sponsor is drink myself to the edge of death or insanity, not die, and live a new life as a recovered alcoholic in AA totally by God's grace. I marvel that the trust that's put in me as sponsor is similar to those who have skill, intelligence and training that seem far more useful than what I have to offer but if God is God in my life and others' lives, I understand that I can sometimes be useful as someone's sponsor and that's just a gift. But, I digress...

So, I have someone who regularly comes by at 6am on Thursdays and we did our deal today one more time. He's in the familiar position of dealing with old behaviors (we're shocked that he's on his 9th step... ;-) ) and the consequences they wreak in his life. I've been working with this dude for almost 3 years now and he's coming up on ~3 months sober this time around. I've got to admit, more than once I've thought that he might be of the constitutionally incapable variety but, again, my job is to only offer what my sober experience has been.

...and that is, when you fall down, you get up and start over...

I thought I was pretty unique in the AA world a few years ago when I found the nobility and the usefulness in the Myth of Sisyphus - as I march down the hill to push the rock up one more time, I realize that my purpose is just that. I get to have all the nobility of the absurd position that I've created for myself - I get to be who my higher power would have me be. What I do is no more or no less than pushing a rock for all eternity.

No, I'm not unique - I'm just one more drunk on the bus.

...who's been given a gift that the only appropriate response for is "thank you..." - for a chance to start over and be grateful for ALL that has graced my life...

...and, that just makes sense to me today...

Ed

Sleep would have been a good idea...

When I looked through a few of my regular blogs that I follow this morning, I get that I'm not unique in not getting enough sleep last night. I see other folks not sleeping due to health problems, sponsee issues, insomnia - whatever. One more time the lesson is that I'm just not unique in getting less than my needed and wanted 7 hours minimum last night.

My excuse might be a little more silly: I'm working on a really interesting web project that just grabbed me - I'm training some folks on the software today at 2pm so I just had to make a few little improvements which broke everything and, well, you can probably guess the drill.

This is really old behavior for me: putting stuff off, then expecting a heroic effort to pull the mess out of the fire. I had a sponsee suggest to me that this is more human nature than just my character defects: that, as hunter-gatherers, we were more effective as hunters when we were a little hungry on the hunt. That adrenalin might be my drug of choice today is hardly unique in my circles of the fellowship.

I would like to be different: I would like to have done this work 2 months ago when I'd intended to. That everything in my life would be in it's place when I reach for it. That I would have the humility to not commit to more than I can possibly accomplish.

It's nice to have ideals toward which I can aspire from the place that I live now - in the mean time, it's also nice to realize that I'm not alone...

I just pray to God that I remember the consequences of this groggy head the next time I put myself in this position...

Thank you God for lessons...

Ed

Alive

I went to a concert last night. Each year in our community, some folks loosely centered around the university hold a "Conference on World Affairs". It has an interesting, eclectic, highly varied program on politics, world issues and the arts. All the presentations and panels are free. One of the features of the program is a jazz concert (also free) which has never disappointed me.

We went last night and it was an amazing and singular performance. Given where my head's been at the last few weeks/months, I was curious as to what happens when that rapport between the musician(s) and the audience really creates something extraordinary. I suppose when Steve performs or Scott creates art, they are really in touch with something they can interpret for and share with all of us.

So, as I took a brief journey in my head last night, I was aware of the power of the performers' humility - that their generous and intimate sharing resonated with something that made all of us larger than we are.

I've not spoken at many large gatherings for AA, but am aware that it's much the same experience for both the speaker and the listener as this sort of performance - as we share, intimately, a story of our lives, we each become larger and better than we know ourselves to be. The little I have shared and the several folks I've known who do travel and speak a lot have shown me that there's a huge price paid for standing in front of a bunch of drunks and relating - I've observed a similar price paid by my daughter and other talented performers and artists.

Yet, we share - we participate - we grow - we are touched and we become larger than ourselves as we had defined ourselves.

No wonder I'm so afraid of this - of living. I know I have to let go and let the process take me where it will. I have to surrender and trust that where I wind up will be better than where I am now.

It always is.

This morning, I love life.

Ed

Contributing to life...

I realize in my previous article on work that I had several points I didn't quite get to.

The promise in our Big Book (p. 153) is:

It may seem incredible that these men are to become happy, respected, and useful once more. How can they rise out of such misery, bad repute and hopelessness? The practical answer is that since these things have happened among us, they can happen with you. Should you wish them above all else, and be willing to make use of our experience, we are sure they will come. The age of miracles is still with us. Our own recovery proves that!

We're told on page 86 in our nightly 11th step review that we're to look toward "...what we could pack into the stream of life?".

So much of what I hear in AA meetings is about "what can I get". I sort of use that as a litmus test toward a persons recovery. Bad, I know, that I should judge others at all but it does save a lot of time and effort in terms of what sort of conversation we might have outside the meeting.

The promise seems to be that I get to make a contribution - that, useless as I was (or certainly felt), by God's grace I now have something someone wants and have the opportunity to "give" it.

So, that's the real point of loving my work. I get to do stuff that's challenging, interesting and entertaining that is just way beyond what I deserve or even asked for. The fact that I don't get paid much for it right now is not my biggest problem - may not even be my business at all.

I am blessed...

...thank you...

Ed