About me - not...

I love that Step 10 has some of the most explicit instructions in the Big Book. It suggest that we continue to watch for "...selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear..." and "...when these crop up..." (it doesn't say "if" these crop up - they know those things will crop up for all of us), it gives us clear, direct instruction using completely unambiguous time frames (like "immediately", and "at once").

I once had a sponsor who had a very strictly proscribed method for doing the 10th step.  He nagged and cajoled me toward doing this step in his way for years until I'd reached the ultimate surrender - I decided I had to find a new sponsor.

I was "shopping" for who my next sponsor was to be for a number of weeks when, out of the blue, I had this incredible thought: "Why don't you try doing a 10th step in the way your sponsor suggests for a while?"  It was such an incredible revalation to me, I couldn't understand why when I presented it to others they laughed.  Probably like you are now...

Anyway, it started one of the most incredible experiences  I've had in recovery.  On a daily basis I did exactly what our Big Book suggests, exactly as my sponsor proscribed.  It was amazing.

Years later, when that sponsor fired me, I felt an amazing freedom and have never been without a sponsor who I am accountable to.  I am more accountable to a sponsor today than I was in my first years of sobriety.

And, on a good day, the several 10th steps I do keep me clear with God, also.

Internet and AA - social networking sites

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

I hope to split this part of the discussion between 2 articles.  Today, I'd like to express some observations about the "public" forums like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, etc.  Tomorrow, I hope to share my observations about recovery-focused sites where the situation(s) may or may not be different.

I don't remember when I had a whole week go by that I didn't receive at least one "invitation" to join some networking site or another.  The overture is always the same: "so-and-so is inviting you to join them at..." and then (generally) there's a chance to view some portion of that person's postings along with the postings of that person's "friends" or "followers" or whatever jargon they use for connections.

In the interest of full disclosure of my direct experience, I am a member of only a few of these networks (I find it easier and easier to decline or not respond to requests to join - regardless my relationship to those who invite me) and I generally only lurk on a few friends' efforts - I seldom post "what I'm doing" updates.  For me, blogging is my current preferred mechanism of and focus for sharing my AA experience online.

However, my wife and several other AA members I'm close to have tight circles of "friends" who share many poignant moments of their lives through "writing on their walls", "tweeting" or, whatever it is they choose to do in those circles.

Before I launch into some serious opinion sharing here, please, please, please understand that some of these folks are AA members who I believe have been real drunks and have had the spiritual experience directed by and proscribed by our AA program.  Most I would be happy to share an AA meeting or coffee with any time.  They are delightful members who may be more right than I am about what is right or wrong in AA and the internet.

That said, I truly believe that many are misguided in their reckless abandon of anonymity and other principles in the use of these media for sharing their AA experience.

The strongest argument in defense of some of what is shared on these sites (full names, pictures, pictures and names of other friends, etc.) is that you have to have been invited and responded to form a "closed group" of people.  Some of the points they argue include:

1. Since it's a closed group, it is no longer in the public and issues of anonymity (in terms of identity) can easily be set aside.  After all, you don't wear a bag over your head when you attend an AA meeting (although it may have been suggested to a few of us ;-) ).
2. The efficiency of sharing intimate details of their life's experience ("OK - I'm heading into the doctor's office now and am really afraid!", "My girlfriend isn't answering the phone - I'm shook up!", "I just got a promotion and I just love my new office!", "Here's a picture of my cat's new play-toy!", ...) with many friends at once actually improves their effectiveness at life and working of their program.
3. This type of sharing can lead to a transparency (honesty?) in their lives that is useful to them.  I no longer just "check in" with a sponsor - I have a broad range of folks who know all about me and what I'm up to.
4. Similarly, you can watch people you really care about and suggest, for example, that they might choose to go to an AA meeting rather than rent another movie.
   
5. They can more efficiently and effectively keep up with a wider circle of people in AA than they could only using personal contact or the phone.
6. Part of that more effective sharing includes pictures.  Who hasn't gotten a wonderful message from someone with a picture attached that says so much and is really meaningful?
   
7. It helps eliminate some of the problems with the classic AA rumor chain - everyone can know the same information from the same source rather than getting someone's spin on "news".   Most of us have been victimized by the AA fellowship's version of the game "telephone" at some time in our lives.

I'm sure they see many other benefits as well in that some of them spend hours out of nearly every day engaged in activities around these networks (posting messages, checking up, expanding networks, etc.). Again, it's really not my deal right now so I may not even be hitting really important benefits of this type of sharing.  If you know of some, please educate me.

On the other hand, I think there are some down sides to this as well:

1. Anonymity (privacy, identity) is not assured.  While I may not be friends with John, even before I become John's friend (say, he invites me to friend or follow him), I can generally see who John's friends are before I enter this relationship.  Indeed, often I get friend/follow requests and don't recognize who the invitation is from.  I've browsed around for hours in this potential friend's  friends' spaces:
1. Looking for clues as to who the request might be from (who John is)
   
2. Being greatly entertained with some of the stupid (and vulgar and obscene and ...) stuff that some folks I may or may not know publish on these networks
2. While an individual's information is generally protected (and I think the networks are getting better at this as time goes on), as recently as last week I stumbled across a link that plopped me in the middle of an individual's Facebook photos that I know he would not want as publicly available as it was.  At the very least, I think one should be very careful.
3. I think the fact that thinking one may have their identity protected, they might miss several additional points related to the spiritual principle of anonymity.  Not the least of which this (your life, my life) might be much less about who I am and who you are and more what we can offer to be useful.  I am concerned that who I become when I think my identity is protected is not my best.  At least for the pages and sites I've seen, we become focused on the mundane and the sickness more than becoming the best we can be under spiritual guidance.  It seems these networks support me to lower my standards rather than seek progress.
   
4. Quite often, connection requests devolve rapidly into other agendas.  Of the ~20-30 people I've "connected" with on one service, nearly all of them eventually came around to wanting to convert me to their religion, sell me a book, somehow get me to click through their marketing portal, whatever.  I've learned that, when someone has more than 5,000 "connections" (maybe even over more than 20 connections), there is generally some other factor at play.  Someone is selling something or has an program (other than AA) to push.
   
5. While I may or may not be interested in some facets of your life, quite often as families/friends/AA friends/business associates all get involved in the same connection pool, someone is probably going to learn something they really didn't want to know.  I doubt seriously that any woman I know would march into an AA meeting and share her menstrual cycle but some in these forums seem to include that as important information to share.
   Maybe this could be dealt with by "grouping" friends into different sets of folks, and some of the networks allow for this now, but general sharing with all seems to be the norm.  It's easier and simpler and, frankly, I think people just forget who all might see what particular information.  And, again, friends who invite other friends into the network will probably also get to see that information.
6. While I work pretty hard to keep my sharing on this blog and the blogs I follow and comment on to be primarily aligned with the program and principles of AA, in social network sites this becomes unwieldy and probably almost cross-purposes of what a social network is about.  Social networks seem to be first and foremost about encouraging individuals to share as individuals with great diversity.
   Not every conversation held at coffee or even with a sponsor is going to be aligned with an AA "party line".  It shouldn't be.  However, the sharing that happens in these social networks has a persistence and reach that spans well beyond our experience in the past.
   As I contemplate including my sponsor, people I sponsor, and other friends in the program into one of these networks, I'm concerned about what might be shared and how it could be received - especially once it's removed from the context in which it's shared (as often happens in these networks).
7. While these networks are currently "free" to subscribers, all in the industry agree that, eventually, some financial model based on subscription fees, advertising, or some other financial component will be required to support the service.  One could easily foresee that "Joe's Treatment Center" would be happy to attach it's click-through logo to all my messages about recovery from boozing or communities where that is often discussed.  If one reads the fine print on these services, what you publish does belong to you but they have the rights to do anything with that data they chose to - including, in some cases, leaving your writings up after you close out your account.
   

All this said, I feel AA members need to have a presence in these networks.  I was discouraged at the recent SW Regional AA Forum when I learned that AA World Services intervened and had an account with the name of "alcoholicsanonymous" removed from Twitter.  I would have much rather that AAWS would have taken over that account and supported a message service that provided something that injected a conversation about recovery in AA into that network.

Finally, I don't think anyone really believes this generation is the final destination of this technology.  I would hazard a guess that the memory of MySpace, Twitter and, Facebook will in the future be much the same as the memory of CompuServe or AOL is to the internet of today - important milestones in history but the future social happenings on these networks will be much more natural and elegant - integrated into one's online experiences.  For that reason, I think we, as a fellowship and individuals (and maybe even groups) in AA, should experiment with what works and doesn't work in supporting our AA principles and program of recovery in this venue.

God willing, we will learn the lessons we need to be useful into the future.

Family stuff...

Families are funny things. Family traditions are even weird sometimes. There is nothing particularly cool or wonderful or anything about the family in my house tonight...

...except, I'm not blood related to any of them (except by declaration and commitment...)...

...and, I love them enough to go walk another Bolder Boulder...

This is the 3rd consecutive year of a tradition where some of the g'kids (+parents) come in from Seattle and several of us run (I walk, crawl, whimper, whine, gripe - you know, great style points...) with 50,000 of our closest buds. Think 10k of a constant party. I can't tell you how this is not like my stuff... I've even had an intention to get in shape so I can better participate sometimes - but I seem to get over that...

I'm 56 years old and have nothing going for me physically at this point except really great genetics. I don't deserve the ability to participate in this with my family but it's yet more evidence of God's grace that I can do this. Thank you mom & dad & God.

Again, I'm a huge fan of grace...

Anyway, I wish you all a happy Memorial Day.

If you are active or past military service, thank you for your service.

If you have had family who have been killed in duty, I will say a prayer for your comfort tomorrow. Small (or no) consolation, I know, but I stand in awe of your character, courage and strength.

I'm still a huge fan of God's grace...

Liberty...

(In the course of writing this, it occurred to me that some readers may not be familiar with AA's 6 Warranties. These Warranties, sometimes referred to as AA's "Bill of Rights" are contained in Concept 12 - Warranty 3 states: "that it (the General Service Conference of AA) place none of its members in a position of unqualified authority over others)

At a workshop the other day, someone mentioned the principle of "liberty" as being aligned with our 3rd warranty. This sort of surprised me - I don't think of terms like "liberty" or "democracy" as a part of AA (even though the founders certainly did...) so it came as a bit of a mind cramp for me.

I think I take the liberties offered in our program for granted - one of the many things that has come for me with longer term sobriety is I forget how comfortable those early meetings were for me. It had been a long time since I'd had someone really listen to what I'd said and understand me. Not my many problems or my drinking history or the consequences I was facing for living the life of the active alcoholic. They seemed to have "read my mail" and had way more understanding than I would have thought possible about how I ran my life and the pain that came as a consequence.

This understanding affected me at my very core.

Of course, that's not exactly the liberty expressed in warranty 3 - it expresses that there be no "dictators" in AA - that there should be no unqualified authority. This comes along with the "right of participation" that is expressed in another of the 12 Concepts.

What does that have to do with my sobriety today?

The way this outfit is set up, no one can tell me they're right and I'm wrong. I can't do that to others as well. As generous and patient as those folks were with me in early sobriety - listening to my aches and pains and problems and offering their experience and the suggestions - I can offer the same generosity to let folks run amok until their done or what they do is no longer my affair. As much as I'd love to tell them to "shut up and get with the program", what I get to do instead is offer my experience, if they want it. If no-one wants my experience (has not happened yet), I can bring it here and offer it to the blogosphere.

The promise of our Big Book and our program is that I can be useful somewhere today. That's true freedom.