Rosie...

I was asked to give a guest lead on the 12th step at a meeting the other night. It wasn't my best share (I was tired) but I got through it in about 15 minutes and, before the chair could open up the meeting, Rosie called from the back of the room. She just yelled "help!".

She was drunk, belligerant, bad attitude: "AA doesn't work", "you people" this and "you people" that. It happens.

She was fairly brief. Interrupted the next few people as they tried to share and then she left the room (2-3 folks followed her out). Not all that unique in an AA meeting. I had heard of Rosie but had not seen her in a meeting and didn't notice her when I came in (come to think of it, she might have come in after I'd started).

What caused me to think about writing an article, though, was that I got 3 different phone calls yesterday about "what should I do about Rosie?" I'm really not that wise counsel in the program that people generally call. One call was from a sponsee and the other 2 were from folks who were just calling around working out what to do with "the situation".

Rosie's life is a mess and she's actively working to burn the rest of it down. Suicide slowly.

All 3 calls basically led to the same place (for me). Help if you're able and you're heart tells you to. We all see all sorts of stories. I'm not one who believes the alcoholic has to ask for help themselves. I was lucky enough to do that but I've met dozens of folks in our program who basically were intervened with or had other experiences. One of my favorites is the guy who was beat to crap, hospitalized even, by his sponsor during his last drunk. Not my style or experience, but it worked for him. The sponsor stayed sober too...

Anyway, there may be nothing less lovely than an alcoholic in their cups.

But Rosie is a loved child of a caring God. She can find him. She never has to have that pain again.

Now, if we could just find the injection that would place that sure and certain thought in her head an soul.

...if only...

Seattle serenity...

We got to Seattle last Thursday and, apart from being our anniversary, we were in the firestorm of a relationship breakup with the parents of our youngest grandaughter.

Firestorm is way much of an overstatement - they are in the politely moving to set up separate households stage (a stage I never got to in any of my divorces so it's sort of unfamiliar). It's such an amazing thing to get to be useful buying spice racks, hanging pictures, putting away new pots and pans, organizing groceries, and being positive and up beat when you know someone feels like their life is burning down around them...

Apart from that big piece of drama, it's been a wonderful visit. I only get to see the g'girls (we have 8 g'kids - 4 g'boys in the Denver area, 4 g'girls in Seattle - must be the water...) once or twice a year so it's great to hang with them and love on them if only for a little while. We know our roles well: sugar 'em up, caffeinate them, spoil 'em thoroughly, then leave. We do it pretty well.

Yesterday we spent a perfect afternoon on Lake Washington and Lake Union. Today we will sight-see in some of my favorite places on the planet. Tomorrow we pack up, say farewells and then we're home again Wednesday night.

When I think of the tornado I was in my family 30 years ago, I'm truly blessed to have this chance.

It's a pretty sweet life...

Marriage...

This picture is of my wife and I on our wedding day, 20 years ago today. Well, not really... I don't think we even used them on our cake...

I stand amazed that I've been married to this woman for 20 years. We are in Seattle visiting g'kids for a week so it's truly perfect. We toyed with the idea of doing something special for this day but realized that 20 didn't seem to be a real milestone so we're just taking the day in passing and being in a part of the world we really love with people we really love. Sometime, we will really have a bigger celebration. Between us, we've been married to somebody for over 28 years (how would you count it?) so we really think it's about time to celebrate some year..

Her name is the same as my last wife so I just refer to her as the incumbent. In the spirit of this blog, we'll just call her "J".

J does not read this blog so I think it would be a great time for me to give my best shot at marriage advice - how you can become and stay married for 20 years. If you see this article disappear, you'll know that she found me on the web ;-)

1. Meet as "boy meets girl on AA campus" - it helps if you're less sober than her and you hook up with only 9 months so you can remind her and her sponsees that she 13th stepped you...
2. Date/hang out for ~3 years and then decide to buy a house together
3. Learn that the whole purpose of children in these years is to attempt to drive you appart
   
4. Live together for a few years
   
5. Turn to Al-Anon to save your life (and perhaps J's as well)
6. Then, decide to get married when "...you can't think of any real reason not to..."
   
7. When J can't stop crying for 9 months after your marriage, decide to not take it personally
8. Get a really good sponsor
9. Talk to that sponsor a lot
10. Learn to really depend on a sponsor and a higher power with sufficient power to save both your life and your life with/or without a relationship
    
11. Learn that, not only are you always wrong, she is always right
12. Practice the principle of #11 in all your affairs
13. Notice that the same principles that work in AA can work in your marriage and your family
    
14. Never "work on your marriage" (that was the only time we nearly lost it)
15. Get closer to your sponsor
16. Accept almost every AA service opportunity offered
17. If no one offers an AA service opportunity, create one
18. Create your own home group
19. Realize that god can be in your life, relationship or no relationship, money or no money, etc.
    
20. Build an extended family modeled on your family of choice in AA
21. Be more than a little crazy - your kids expect it and your g'kids need it
    

That seems like enough for now...

What a wonderful life this has been...

Willing to have them removed...

I was writing a blog article today on another blog on the 6th step and was reminded of the following events...

When I was about 7 years sober, I managed to squeeze the hour that is recommended at the end of the 5th step on page 75 into about a 9-month long process on one trip through the steps. It was a thorough (exhaustive?) review if how I had used the character defects that I'd discovered in step 5 in my life until that time.

Drunk and sober. Young and older. There was that corrosive thread of my spiritual malady that was expressed in my character defects. While this process, on reflection, probably had precious little to do with the working of the steps as outlined in our Big Book, it was undeniable after that effort that my life, as ruled by my core beliefs grounded in those character defects, had not only not worked, was grounded on lies and beliefs that would only lead to my ultimate demise.

I can still remember the morning (now over 17 years ago) when I was sitting in a Saturday morning meeting and I looked at the steps on the wall. I realized that I was at the same bottom with my character defects then that I'd been at with booze ~10 years earlier. I truly couldn't imagine life without these core beliefs that had "served" me my entire life, but, I also couldn't imagine going even one more day with these lies, these distortions, these character defects running my life.

I think that day I was entirely willing...

My life has not been the same since.

I've yet to find the step or the promise in our Big Book that says "...and then we rendered pure as the driven snow..." I'd like it to be there, I truly would.

But it's not...

So, I've made acknowledged spiritual progress and I still have as my "standard" spiritual perfection.

That's the best that it gets...

Philip 3 ...

I have a general way that I sponsor people. Everyone is different and I trust my gut but we generally get together and read through the book. We take it slow and do what they did so that we can get what they got.

Philip now has 40 days. It's a miracle and proof of the power of AA and the grace of a willing heart. God is good.

But I've struggled with him.

Usually, I have my guys come to my house and we read for an hour or 2 at a time - usually about once a week - sometimes more often if we can find the time.

Philip is still locked up and, although he can go most anywhere on passes, he's constrained by buses and times and places he can go. So, we've been doing the best we can on the phone and with brief meetings in public places. His God seems to be up to the task as he's the 1st real eager, genuinely enthusiastic one that I've had in a while (I usually seem to get the ones who've been around for a while.

It seems like he's really "getting it".

What a blessing...

Marriage...

Of all the blessings I've experienced in sobriety, finding and living with someone who is on this same path has been the biggest blessing - and the most challenging blessing.

Syd wrote yesterday about "When the drinking stops" - about how a relationship can grow and how a relationship had grown in his life. I would have said that was probably a harbinger of my experience with my wife today. I was wrong.

The context is that, during my home group on Saturday night we had a couple of scheduling snafus - one of which had some tempers fly and a relatively big "scene" ensued. I was there for both of the problems - called and left a message with the church and have not heard back as to what is going on (e.g. - has our agreement with the church been modified? etc.).

After our meeting, my wife was discussing what had happened in a crowd near the door and, as I approached her, I heard her saying something which was errant in that it was placing blame on the wrong group and was describing the situations completely wrong. I attempted to interrupt - what I started to say was "...that is not true..." but my wife wheeled on me and yelled at me - maybe not a huge scene, but a scene nonetheless.

I can't really say how loud she was but it certainly stopped all traffic on the ramp at the door and all I could do was stand there, dumbfounded, and then I just walked off. This sort of thing has happened before (humiliation in front of others) but generally not this intense.

By the next day, my anger had abated some - I got that, somehow, I had taught her to treat me that way. (Sorry for the psychobable - I confess that a former sponsor had me read Relationship Rescue by Philip McGraw - was not a complete waste of time and energy but nearly so - and, almost cost me a quality relationship)

My wife apologized for yelling at me the next day and I told her I accepted her apology. I continued to gnaw on it some but 10th stepped it and put a call in to my sponsor.

I had a long chat with my sponsor last night and he and I got to what was my part and speculated some of what the changes might be in working it out. We both agreed this one will take some time and prayer. That was when I read Syd's post and presumed that I was "clean" - I was willing to go forward.

I guess I wasn't...

I found out last night that my wife had taken on the resolution of this "situation" with the church - I had done the same. As of this moment, she still doesn't know what I saw in the meeting rooms. I've learned to ask her if she wants to know what I know (as opposed to just offering what I saw) and, when I've attempted to tell her, she gets really upset with me. I guess it's just our special magic.

She has this amazing penchant for explaining about how "I always" and "you never" and "every time" and "it's always" - and then the quality of the conversation really goes downhill from there. Given how she explains the quality and nature of our communication today, I have no idea why she stays with me and puts up with such abusive behavior. I think it's just her Italian temperament that flashes through but, should we say, there are a few barriers to honest communication?

I've come to my computer because I can't let this go now. I'm a firm believer in "not letting the sun set on my anger". I used to think that meant that you work it out with the other person. I've had to realize that my 0God has to be bigger than that....

This is the first blog article I've written in this way and it seems like I'm violating some sort of purpose I've intended here but at least it's a try at turning these emotions somewhere other than inward.

I suppose the principles at hand are surrender, humility and forgiveness.

I'm still responsible for helping my home group work through this mess.

I also need to change my behavior around my wife. It may not be true that I always criticize her in public or that I'm always negative or silent around her. What is also true is that it never is a good idea for me to criticize her - especially in public - and that I can work harder at being "up" for her. Perhaps this blog is the venue for honest communication instead of conversations with her?

Something needs to change - and I'm committed to that...

Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowing?

(...wierd - as I wrote that an intense thunderstorm suddenly stopped - spooky...)