Regrets...

(note: I'm avoiding writing an article that I really think needs writing - just wanted to be honest here as that's what's making it hard to post the past couple of days - maybe tomorrow or soon...)

You have to appreciate a good sense of irony when you take AA meetings in to prison.  It makes the time and years a little more tolerable as you realize that most of the people there (99%?) are just going through some motions to be able to make points with their case manager and the parole board.

I volunteer to take a meeting into a minimum security prison ("...don't bother locking the gate after you leave - I'll get it later...") once a month and have done this for nearly 10 years now.  At this group, the meeting is run by the inmates (PC term = "offender" but I'm old and find it hard to change) and occasionally it's chaired by non-alcoholics and topics range all over the map before we sometimes get it brought back to some semblance of AA.

So, I smiled to myself when the topic, taken from Daily Reflections last Thursday, was "regret."  Frank Sinatra came to mind ("...Regrets - I've had a few...") but it really turned into a pretty good meeting.  Of a dozen inmates, most were clearly mouthing what they wanted us to hear but there was some great, empathetic sharing.

One inmate's sister had died the previous week and he understood that he was locked up  at this time for a reason - there was no way he could have gotten through this time sober on the outside.  Stuff like that.

I shared the following couple of paragraphs from our Big Book:

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, 'Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?'

"Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love." BB pp. 82-83

My current sponsor reminds me occasionally that I don't get to set the terms of the length for that period of reconstruction.  There are parts of my story in recovery where it took better than 2 decades to restore some trust that I'd broken.  Some of what has been reconstructed I've actually torn down in sobriety and then had to go back and rebuild it yet again.  That's hard.

Several of the inmates just sort of stared at me as I shared my story.  It was intended to be hopeful - indeed, as best I know, there are miracles available for each of us - at least that's been my experience and observation.  A few of them (besides the other volunteers at this meeting) "got it."

AA does, indeed, work.

AA Renewal

I'm reluctant to post this here but it seems like I need to at least mention this on this blog for, well, I don't know - integrity?

There is a minority of folks in Alcoholics Anonymous who feel that AA may be sick as an organization and, perhaps, as a fellowship.  We are not sure what, if anything, could or should be done about it but we see symptoms of this illness in our meetings and our AA business endeavors (e.g. our service commitments).

We are not among those who feel the need to bash AA or that AA as an institution is actually harming people.  To the contrary, all of us involved in this thus far feel we owe our sobriety, our very lives to AA as it existed when we found it in that it led us to accept the grace of God and become spiritually awakened as a consequence of AA's program of recovery.

We are convinced that, if AA is to change (a big if), it will change as a consequence of people talking about what changes might be made at coffee around our meetings, at our groups' business meetings, at our assemblies and our General Service Conference.  What a few of us realized this past fall is that we wanted to have an area where we would be able to brainstorm and collaborate about what AA could do to fix what we feel are fundamental problems in our organization.

Or, perhaps what we know as "AA" today should just be allowed to disappear and that the next organization (if any) to come up will be born anew from the ashes of that old organization?

I don't know the answer.  I don't think anyone who's participated in this effort so far feels that we know all the answers.

What I do know is that, for me as a member of AA today, if AA were to pass into obscurity by, in part, my lack of action, I would wonder if "I should have done something..."  So, I am participating in this new site where we hope to be sorting out some of these thoughts.  Again, this is not a new "movement" or a set of folks who want to do anything other than seek some clarity about the hard issues we need to face and deal with as a fellowship.

Or deliberately decide not to.

So, if you care, check out aarenewal.org.  Participate and/or register if you want to.  Mention it to others if it seems useful.  Ignore it completely if it seems irrelevant or against your principles of participation in AA.

All that said, I think what I've generally been doing on this blog is completely separate from my participation on the aarenewal.org site.  While I might share my experiences as a sober member in both places, what I see is that this blog is only a reflection of my personal experience trying to apply the AA principles in an imperfect life.  That other space is a place we're trying to improve an organization we think is imperfect by applying these principles.  Related but not the same.

But, I thought some readers here might want to know something about where my head has been at when I'm not writing here...

How it works...

On another site I "play around" with the AA program online, I started a minor s-storm by relating a recent experience at my home group.  From others' posts, I know that I'm not the only one who occasionally feels like I can get the hassles I find online in my face-to-face life so, like, why do I do this?

Anyway, as this storm was blowing around, I found it hard to post something here since my head had been pretty negative.  However, this came to mind today.  I posted similar articles in both forums...

Given:

"The AA Message" = "To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of ..." ("this book" is how it is written in the Big Book but, I think the implication from the conversations I've had recently is that we substitute "meeting" or "relationship" or "conversation" and extend to "the whole of AA")

How that works is (no particular order):

• meetings and other gatherings that are solution focused and have a clear sense of purpose aligned with our message (above)
  
• guidance by those who have had the experience of our path to recovery (some people call these "sponsors")
  
• individuals who are motivated to not drink (we don't supply that initial motivation), work a program of recovery carefully hidden in our Big Book in a chapter of the name of this post
• in the course of that program, they clean up their past and live differently henceforth
• as a part of that program, they learn of a way of life that includes "love and service"
• as a result of that program, they accomplish a spiritual awakening which orients them toward living by new principles in the world and places them in service to carry "the message" (see above)
  
• one of the many promises in our basic text is that, if people follow this program of recovery, they will become useful  - this is to be encouraged above all else (being useful to God and our fellows)
  
• we come to appreciate and apply the principles of the steps, traditions and, concepts as AA's 3 legacies of recovery, unity and service

At least I think that's how it works...

The icks...

A few of my friends in AA have been going through what I call "the icks" lately.  I had a sponsor I used to call up (often) and say: "...the sick is on me bad today..." and then I'd launch into the familiar diatribe about how bad my life was and how hopeless all appeared.

This sponsor's solution was largely centered around inventory and prayer and meditation.  I have nothing against those - they are cornerstones to our program of recovery.  I'm grateful for all he taught me about those tools that I still use today.

After he fired me, I got hooked up with my current sponsor and he's pretty much of another persuasion - when you're under the oppression of alcoholism (real alcoholics will probably understand this), when you're into what I've hear called at east coast meetings "stinkin' thinkin'", his solution is to look for an immediate opportunity to be of service.  The more consuming this is (sponsorship, chairing a committee, starting a group, jail/detox meetings, helping your kids or wife - doesn't have to be an alcoholic - etc.) the better.

While at face value this seems to just be a distraction, I can't tell you how many times this has worked wonders for me in terms of getting past my own head enmeshed in fear and darkness.  It is, after all, what our Big Book book recommends.  It's solution for my darkness and despair is not (only) changing sponsors, going to another dance, seeking a more intense 3rd step experience, changing churches or gurus, changing diet, getting more exercise, going to a therapist, changing medications, etc.  Some of these items (and others) might be the right thing to do sometimes.

But, what Bill discovered was: "...I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day..." (BB p. 15).  This suggestion is repeated a number of times in our book.

The fact that today, most days, I can get one foot in front of another to make progress toward some sort of real solution is a miracle that is beyond my wildest imagination.  It is evidence of God's grace in my life.

Internet and AA - blogs...

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

I've been writing a blog/journal for about 7 months and following AA related blogs for about 10 months.  This all started as a part of my investigation of AA principles and to observe what others had written about AA on the internet.

Back then, Google and Yahoo returned, as a part of my search results, several different blogs in response to "AA" and "Alcoholics Anonymous" searches.  There are also lists of blogs around recovery themes on AA related sites.  I found a few folks who had regular blogs that I could relate to their experience and I liked their style, read some of the blogs linked to off their pages and started following several  regularly.

I selected Google as a blogging platform because it seemed to be the largest free blogging site that seemed, at that time, to minimize commercial crap linked off my blog (if I so chose).

One could probably write several books about why people blog and what drives people to post articles to the internet on a daily basis.  In fact, as I was writing this article, Mary L. posted an excellent article which is far more studied and academic than I could muster about this part of the communication revolution.   Some generalities I've drawn from observing others' blogging and sharing their AA experience are:

1. People blog about their lives in and around AA for a number of different reasons. Those bloggers I follow who blog about their lives in AA regularly (daily or nearly every day) seem to track in some common themes:
1. Some just review their daily lives in recovery and try to share "what's up in my day" - probably bad meeting topics (in my opinion) but it's nice to hear and encourage one another (via articles and comments) along the way.  Probably more analogous to the sharing at coffee or between meetings than meetings, per se.
   
2. Some try to support AA and individuals in AA by encouraging folks toward working a program of recovery.
3. Some use their blog as a part of or a replacement for their personal journals of recovery.  Articles including "gratitude lists" are common.
   
4. Some try to entertain as well as (or sometimes instead of) intimate sharing of themselves.
2. While many blogs generally follow one of the tracks above, most vary.  Some vary daily.
   
3. It seems important for some to share intimately while others steer clear of honest intimacy - possibly due to privacy or anonymity concerns.  Of course, one of the truths about the interenet is that it's possible (probably likely, in AA circles) that some share dishonest intimacy ("Anyone can be a Las Vegas show girl on the internet...").
   
4. It is really possible to "connect" with people through their writing.  In 9 months, I've grown to care deeply about several individuals through reading of and about their lives.
5. I can see where some people, who probably are not able to get to meetings as easily as I, could substitute this sort of fellowship in their AA programs.
6. Occasionally (~4 times in 9 months in my circles), someone new to AA or sobriety tries to reach out for new recovery in this community.  The process online is much the same as at my home group - a few folks try to reach out and make suggestions about where and how to start.
   

When I review the above, I think the same could be generally said as I look around the room at any AA meeting I go to.  More on this in a later article....

When I started this blog, it was to explore the application of AA's principles in my own life and in an AA life in general.

My own experience blogging has left me with the following thoughts/perspectives (in no particular order):

1. It has been much more successful for me than keeping a "journal".  Even before my recovery started, I tried several times to keep a personal diary/journal and have failed miserably every time I've tried.  I just seem to have no discipline at keeping a journal but I have been able to write a blog article about 90% of the days for over 6 months.
2. Most of what I write is of the "what's on my mind" variety but I've written things that were important for me to share.  Since my sponsor lives out of town, this has been useful and probably kept me more "current" and "accountable" than I have been the past few years.
3. It is just damn hard for me to think of something worthwhile to share every day.
4. It is also hard to find the time to write something that is not total garbage in the middle of a busy life.
   
5. I often find it as important or more important to comment on others' articles than write one of my own.
6. My understanding of the principles in our wonderful program has increased.  Interestingly, these principles inform and support my online life as much as other parts of my life.
   
7. I've had an opportunity to "meet" some wonderful people I'd have never had the chance to connect with.
8. I've grown toward and become open to what seems to be "next" in my life.

So, as a result, there are pluses and minuses  in this experience.  On the plus side:

1. I've grown through both reading and writing in the blog community.
1. I've become a better typist.
2. I've learned some new words.
3. I probably express myself in writing better now than I did 7 months ago.
4. I've learned to not take myself too seriously in yet another venue.
   
2. I've learned to appreciate that our traditions apply online as well as in person and, when applied, lead to a better blog and blogging community.
3. I've "met" some new people I truly love.
4. I've felt useful.
5. It has contributed to my peace and serenity and hope.

There are also some negatives:

1. Blogging is clearly (for me) somewhat self-indulgent.  For this alcoholic, anything this self-centered can be dangerous.
2. It takes a lot of time.  On a good day, it can take about an hour to read the ~6-7 blogs I follow and generate an article.  On other days, it can take nearly a full day.
3. I have, in fact, avoided some "face" time with drunks or family in favor of participating in my blogging community.  While I'm listing this here as a negative (because I think it probably is for me generally), I don't think this is always negative - for me or others.
4. I really don't come here to get contrary views.  (e.g. I've deleted comments that were not in keeping with the spirit of what I'm about here.)  IF this were the only place I sought support in my AA program, I think I could get pretty sick.
5. Few bloggers seem to support any sort of "singleness of purpose" regarding their AA message in their blogs.  While this may be no more of a problem with blogging than it is in AA meetings and conventions, I believe that some, deliberately or inadvertently, may dilute their effectiveness in sharing AA by sharing other items outside of AA.
6. There are many, what I would call, "anonymity breaks" in the blog world.  I appreciate that not all would agree with my perspectives on either the definition of anonymity or the importance it has in the program of AA.

So, there are good and bad efforts in participation in AA, both in person and on the internet.  An AA General Service Trustee reported that one of the Area Delegates to the 59th General Service Conference in May was blogging about the proceedings as the conference was happening.  While I accept that this could have happened (in my opinion, some Delegates are less clued in than the average member about AA traditions and practices), I spent a good part of a day looking for such a blog and expect that, if it were true, it was in a blog that is not open to the public.

Tomorrow, I'll try to write an article on AA members' participation on social networking sites.

Internet and AA - general information

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

My review of AA and the internet all restarted for me in the fall of '08 with a general survey I did of what the current state of AA was on the internet.  It had been a number of years since I'd really looked around much about what was online about and regarding AA.  While I was generally aware (I'd been on the net usually at least a few hours each week and that was increasing), I'd not really given it much thought until I started looking for general information about AA and the principles of AA.

I was shocked.

What I found was a lot of "information" on the web that was VERY negative to this program that I love.  Try searching for some thing like "aa kills people" and you will get several pages of:

1. Opinion pieces (sometimes not labeled as such) relating every negative experience people have had in and around AA
2. People who've gone beyond systematic bashing and debunking of AA toward evangelical causes actively organizing for the demise of AA as an entity.
3. Members who actually purport to "love AA" but who have an agenda to make us something they feel will be much more aligned with what they believe or want.
4. News reports of AA groups and individuals off on every crime human activity has observed.

A more general search of AA will yield:

1.  GSO and other AA service web sites (e.g. AA Area Sites, Intergroup sites, etc.) - many in various levels of either disrepair or neglect
2. Sites having pieces of AA history (some with and without anonymity protection)
3. Treatment centers, drunk junk vendors, others with "something to sell"
4. Various and sundry sites with various and sundry agendas to motivate you to a point of view (e.g. AA + God + patriotism) or otherwise permute a clear and direct AA message
   

Don't get me wrong.  I don't personally believe that AA is a "perfect" organization or that there are not members who should be charged with the various crimes they've perpetrated and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

My point here is that, if you were to look for an "AA message" on the internet, you would have to do a lot of filtering and navigating to get there.

My immediate response was (as it always is) "WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!!"

After breathing a few days and attempting to practice some of these principles that I was learning about, I realized that there was nothing that could be done.  That, in fact, the internet really was just an amplification of the fringes of what the current world view of AA is today.

I didn't like that very much.  Not at all, in fact.

But, what I got to eventually was that, since God is in charge (I certainly hope so), he was the one who was going to have to "fix" anything wrong with how AA is perceived in the world at large.  Amazingly, drunks were still finding my home group and there they were finding experience, strength and hope that would allow them to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body.

Our past GSR in my home group actually found AA first by reading a copy of our Big Book online in that moment of despair.

Wow.

So, where I am today with all that is:

1. I started blogging and have upped my own participation in the internet in favor of promoting a positive message of recovery through the program and fellowship of AA.  Each comment I write and each article I post, I try to reflect: "Is this (post, comment, effort) helping or hurting AA?"  I'm not perfect, but that's the standard I'm starting from.
   
2. I believe that AA, as a whole, is missing opportunities to help drunks by not more effectively in representing the AA message in the online world of today and tomorrow.  I'm trying to work through our processes and structures placed in front of me to improve the AA presence in the online world.
3. Where I participate with AA on the internet (including choosing where I participate), I try to constrain that participation so that it's in accordance with the principles outlined in our steps, traditions, concepts and, warranties.
4. I talk to folks that I sponsor and members I have coffee or fellowship with my experience with AA online.

These seem like really small steps in the over-all mountain of opportunities but, hey, it's what's next...

Going slow...

The body and mind are amazing.  It looks like Mike is going to live and recover.

Thank you God...

He has come from a mumbling mass of confusion last week back to where he's walking around the halls and trying to fight his way back to enough health to get out of the hospital.

As I was talking to him on the phone yesterday, I had my first moment of clarity as to how I might help him.  He was explaining in his confused ramble (he's never been the gifted communicator he might fancy that he is, but the drug-addled consciousness doesn't help) about the nuance of working his 10th step with a friend in Alanon and how he's fixing this and changing that, it was clear to me that this is a person who's not really surrendered.  A week ago I visited him in ICU and he couldn't string two sentences together that anyone else could recognize as coherent.  Now he was looking for the bank shot of how he could "fix" his spiritual needs by ...  well, I guess it just doesn't matter what he was thinking - he was simply thinking too much.

So, that's my clarity for how to be of assistance to him.  My suggestion (it's just that) is that we talk long and hard about surrender.  About being really licked.  About being done.  For a long time.  A really long time.  Perhaps for the duration.

Bill W. talks in the movie "Bill Wilson Discusses the 12 Traditions" about how, in the course of developing the wording for AA's 5th Tradition, there were long and argumentative discussions.  Clearly, our real purpose is to lead folks toward a spiritual awakening sufficient to recover from alcoholism.  That's the deal.

But, the only thing that seemed to consistently work with those groups and members who were successful is that they'd learned their lesson from John Barleycorn.  If booze hasn't taught you all the lessons you need, you may not be ready for the solution we have to offer. 

I think that might be a clue with Mike.


Best I've got for now...

Philip 7 ...

Last Wednesday was a hellacious day.  I was pretty discouraged - ready one more time to quit AA and just crawl into the mountains for the duration.

Then, on my way home, I got a call from Phillip.

He read me from an email. You could hear the shaking in his voice.

He had just received a grant for $27k to go to school at our local college.  He'd applied for it while he was still "in the system" and had never expected much, if anything, to come from it.  It covers his tuition, books, and helps with meals, transportation and living expenses for 1 year.

Philip and I reviewed that his primary qualifications for this particular program were:

1. He was a felon
2. He is a drunk

You don't have to ask him to stretch far to see the hand of God in his life.

Then, I was meeting with another sponsee this morning who teaches at the local college.  Between the two of us, we figured out that they may have just given Philip this money because it's cheaper to put him in school than jail (current cost for incarceration in our state runs about $50k/year/prisoner).

While I work hard to stay out of political arguments in AA, I think we may have stumbled onto a reform effort that I can get behind - take all the people out of jails and put them in college.

...oh, yeah...

Anyway, I can't tell you how happy for and proud of Philip I am.

The real deal...

I have a sponsee that I've been meeting with for over 15 years. Rob (does anyone else have a hard time keeping up with the names we give these people? - more evidence of old age I guess), has what would not be called a "low bottom" story. Given the constant tragedy and drama that over-ran his upper middle class family of origin, coupled with his relatively short and uneventful drinking career, I have often wondered if he didn't better qualify for Al-anon.

But, our relationship has seemed to be useful to him. We went through the steps and he seem to have a bona fide spiritual experience ~13 years ago and we'd sort of drifted apart until a few years ago when his life burned down and he threw himself into the program like a drowning man. It may have, indeed, saved his life that time if not before.

I started getting calls from Rob about his sponsee Gary 3 weeks ago. After starting out great guns for 6 months, Gary had sort of stalled out and was drifting away the way we do.

Rob and I agreed that we can only be friendly and honest and share our experience and observations - we don't get to judge or spoil a future opportunity...

Turns out Gary started drinking again and holed up in his house. After some waffling, Rob felt compelled to go knock on the door at his house. He was obviously inside (car hidden around the corner and movement seen inside) but didn't answer. Rob left a note and then thought he was complete.

I've been getting no less than 4 calls a day for the past 3 days from Rob.

Through some miracle that I only see around AA, Gary's family (out of town) found Rob and told him there was a 15 year-old boy possibly involved. Rob went over a couple of more times and still no answer so he called the local police for a well-being check today.

Gary finally talked to the cops (they broke in) and assured them he was fine. The family intervened however and he had to make some choices once the cops found out the kid was involved (was holed up in the house with dad...).

So, Rob got to learn how to check someone into the local detox.

The family heard that we were recommending he go to the ARC and thought they were taking him to the Association for Retarded Citizens center. They were fine with that (send him anywhere!) but we all had a laugh when they learned that it was the county's Addictions Recovery Center.

Rob is beginning to believe that this might be a fatal malady.

Gary is going to feel really bad when he realizes where he is and why he's there.

I'm proud of them both.

Spent

I love my mom. I love my son.

My mother lives in a local senior housing apartment. She is happier now than I've ever known her to be at any other time of her life. As she will point out to you, if you visit with her long enough, her biggest disappointment in life is that her son doesn't visit with her often enough or stay long enough when he visits.

I try to get over there at least once a week and we spend a few hours having lunch and doing errands she accumulates through the week. I know she loves me and means well but, for those of you that have mothers, you know that there are "buttons" that are painful and, well, it can be tedious. I know that she might outlive us all but what I'm way clear about at this point in our lives is that I need to enjoy her the best I can and all that I can for today.

God has repaired our lives together in a mystical way so that I can be truly useful to her today. When making amends to her some years ago, she allowed that she just wanted me "to be happy" - so, I try to show up, once a week ,and be happy.

Friday, she will turn 88. So today we went to a small local mountain town and ate Indian food that she had a taste for and then did a short drive in the mountains.

Perfect.

My son lives in downtown Denver. We get together every week for dinner together. It's just about 2 hours of time together but since he's an hour away, it involves a good part of a Wednesday evening. I do this, in part, because of amends owed to him. As the tornado that was raging through his life up until he was about 13 years old, it's a small price I've paid for the past ~10 years.

When anyone asks my about my son, I've learned to answer "he's fine" and change the subject. If someone I don't know persists, I ask them what they know about mental illness. After that, the trajectory of the conversation will go one way or another.

So, we get together. He rants about this, that and the other thing. Threatens, yells, blusters, threatens some more...

We have dinner, an ice cream cone and then I drop him off at his apartment.

I tell him I love him and that I'm proud of him. He says the same to me.

Perfect.

Marriage...

This picture is of my wife and I on our wedding day, 20 years ago today. Well, not really... I don't think we even used them on our cake...

I stand amazed that I've been married to this woman for 20 years. We are in Seattle visiting g'kids for a week so it's truly perfect. We toyed with the idea of doing something special for this day but realized that 20 didn't seem to be a real milestone so we're just taking the day in passing and being in a part of the world we really love with people we really love. Sometime, we will really have a bigger celebration. Between us, we've been married to somebody for over 28 years (how would you count it?) so we really think it's about time to celebrate some year..

Her name is the same as my last wife so I just refer to her as the incumbent. In the spirit of this blog, we'll just call her "J".

J does not read this blog so I think it would be a great time for me to give my best shot at marriage advice - how you can become and stay married for 20 years. If you see this article disappear, you'll know that she found me on the web ;-)

1. Meet as "boy meets girl on AA campus" - it helps if you're less sober than her and you hook up with only 9 months so you can remind her and her sponsees that she 13th stepped you...
2. Date/hang out for ~3 years and then decide to buy a house together
3. Learn that the whole purpose of children in these years is to attempt to drive you appart
   
4. Live together for a few years
   
5. Turn to Al-Anon to save your life (and perhaps J's as well)
6. Then, decide to get married when "...you can't think of any real reason not to..."
   
7. When J can't stop crying for 9 months after your marriage, decide to not take it personally
8. Get a really good sponsor
9. Talk to that sponsor a lot
10. Learn to really depend on a sponsor and a higher power with sufficient power to save both your life and your life with/or without a relationship
    
11. Learn that, not only are you always wrong, she is always right
12. Practice the principle of #11 in all your affairs
13. Notice that the same principles that work in AA can work in your marriage and your family
    
14. Never "work on your marriage" (that was the only time we nearly lost it)
15. Get closer to your sponsor
16. Accept almost every AA service opportunity offered
17. If no one offers an AA service opportunity, create one
18. Create your own home group
19. Realize that god can be in your life, relationship or no relationship, money or no money, etc.
    
20. Build an extended family modeled on your family of choice in AA
21. Be more than a little crazy - your kids expect it and your g'kids need it
    

That seems like enough for now...

What a wonderful life this has been...

Seventh tradition...

Probably the best "pitch man" I've ever heard around AA's Seventh Tradition was our area Treasurer a number of years ago. While, on balance, I think he was probably not our best treasurer (he had a hard time understanding the differences between the "books" of AA and other businesses or enterprises), when he talked about the nature and principles of our Seventh tradition, he seldom talked about money.

To him, this tradition was all about the privilege and opportunity of sacrifice, about truly "belonging" to something and, about choosing to participate.

When I first sobered up, I was counseled in the first few days that I was attending meetings that most people put a dollar in the basket but, if I didn't have a dollar, I could put in 50 cents. If I didn't have 50 cents, I could put in a quarter, a dime, a nickel - but, whatever I felt I could spare, that it would be appreciated and included to help "keep our doors open". They taught me that part of my "right" to be here was that I could participate at whatever level I felt I could afford.

Further, whether I would or chose to contribute financially or not, I could always clean, help with dishes, make coffee or otherwise make myself generally useful at our meeting place.

I look with sadness at my home group's largest meeting with over a 100 people in attendance and the basket often is passed 2 full rows without someone feeling enough ownership to contribute anything. I'm not sad for our meeting, we have a great deal on rent and we always seem to have plenty of money - at least for now. I'm sad for what seems to be a whole lot of our fellowship who don't choose to participate.

I try to think of this in all of my life. For much of my life, I was blessed with a good income where I could always "throw money" rather than show up and participate. Don't get me wrong, my whole family enjoyed the vacations, gifts (sometimes extravagant) and my slight-of-hand where I would always pick up the check for our outings. But, for now, that time is gone.

I've had to learn the same thing those deadbeats (I'm joking...) at my meeting need to learn. That, to participate and belong to something is one of the richest gifts life offers. The greatest joy of my life over the weekend was throwing nickles and dimes into the pool for my grandson to dive and get. No one seems to notice that it's not silver dollars or even quarters any more.

I think "self support" has everything to do with choosing to fully participate and the greater the sacrifice, the greater the blessings. Sometimes not blessings I would have sought out but always way bigger and grander than my little plans and designs.

That's been my experience...

Philip 4 ...

I have about 10 people who call me "sponsor", about 5 who I meet with at least once a week, 5 who usually call me at least once a day. So why do I keep writing about "Philip"? (don't worry, that's not his picture - Philip is not even his real name...)

It could be the way he came to me - clearly an answer to a prayer that I'd not uttered yet. It could be that he just seemed so willing and ready. It could be that I'm just bored of trying to figure out what else to write about.

I certainly have sponsees who have more drama going on in their lives. Or ones to whom I feel much more connected and effective with.

But, at least some of the reason that I think Philip keeps showing up here is that he's the first one I've had in a long time who just seems to have that charmed relationship with their higher power - to where they are just exuding the evidence of the grace of God in early sobriety.

He got out of his program at our detox on Tuesday. We had coffee Tuesday morning (he now needs to get around on his own since the detox no longer delivers him to me at my direction - bummer for us both, right? ;-) ). We've been hovering over the 3rd step for a week now while I get my guidance as to whether we start over now that he's released and go back through the book as is my habit or whether we charge on into an inventory...

He admitted that he'd screwed up (bad term) and pursued a "relationship" while he was at the detox. We both had a laugh about the fact that I'd actually caught him in several lies while I've been working with him. I assured him that, in my experience, the only way you could tell if a drunk was lying to me was to watch closely and see if his lips were moving.

As I've written before, he has more than his share of challenges - an ex-con who's fresh out of rehab/jail in a down economy in a community tweaked about bad crimes coming at the hands of the newly released. We talked about going through life on a spiritual basis and trusting God and staying in the moment.

He then went to report into his probation officer and, while there, met someone who had a job for him. Of course.

He called to share the great news with me and when I said he "...didn't know if he'd like the work or not...", I assured him that didn't matter one little bit.

I wasn't at the meeting where he was last night but the report is that he's exactly where he's supposed to be.

Of course.

Response...

I spent the past several days doing some "research" on material that is on the web that is negative about AA. I don't think the reason for this is particularly interesting or relevant. I won't do this stuff the favor of mentioning directly here it but there is really a lot out there - probably more that is negative about AA than what is in support of AA if search engines are to be believed.

It left me feeling sad and hurt. I spent some time thinking what I could do in response to my feelings about this research and it finally occurred to me that the best thing to do was nothing. Then, it occurred to me that this blog might be the best forum for me to do nothing on. So, here are a few responses to some of what I've seen:

Allegation: AA is a cult.

Response: While I appreciated the disparaging intention in this accusation, when I look at the dictionary.com definitions of cult, several definitions do fit what I generally consider a part of AA. We do like our different rituals and we do expect some general conformity from members (e.g. not drinking). There are also popular parts of our fellowship where there is guru adoration and the stuff that would be as familiar in Jim Jones' Jonestown as any AA meeting hall.

My own experience is that we "...create the fellowship (we) crave..." (Big Book, p. 164) and that I would be the 1st to criticize some of what is done in the name of AA as not conducive to my recovery from alcoholism. But, increasingly, I've seen where what seems like weird stuff to me can be useful to others. So, my general attitude is "live and let live" and look for what I can contribute in my little AA community.

Allegation: Bill and several of the co-founders were scoundrels, crooks and ill-intentioned opportunists.

Response: In a strange and perverse way, I find a great deal of comfort in hearing of how "bad" some of these folks might have been. That Bill might have been a womanizer or some of our early trustees might have been politically impure gives me a little hope. My own life, before and in recovery, has been less than stellar. I judge my moral behavior probably on a similar scale to what Bill did and the fact that we can both come up short (far short in my own case) gives me hope that I might be useful with the imperfections that I own.

Allegation: The General Service Office, AA World Services Board, AA Grapevine Board, General Services Board, and other parts of the organization are corrupt business entities.

Response: I'm pretty sure that some or all of these organizations are, by nature, self serving and that some of the individuals involved (e.g. Trustees, General Managers, etc.) may have agendas that include accumulation of wealth and fame. Again, I find some perverse satisfaction in this. I believe that, for the most part, our leadership has genuinely had their hearts in the right place - probably few, if any of them, have ever woken up in the morning and planned the demise of my beloved AA organization.

But, misguided or deliberate, I feel there is some justification of criticism where these organizations have made business decisions absent proper respect for our spiritual principles. As I've heard a number of times, what we do in service to our organization is often much less important than the way we make our decisions and do what we do. As someone who's been criticized as violating the spirit of our fellowship in business decisions I've participated in, I can appreciate the sensitivities involved in this.

However, I most fault the corporate mistakes I feel we've made (e.g. - secrecy, lawsuits, licensing, bad investments, bad priorities) with the possibility that the fellowship has never stepped up to the "ownership" of our organization as outlined in Concepts 1 & 2. There are many contemporary examples (from the 2009 General Service Conference) where the upside-down triangle of our organization (with the AA Group at the top) has been inverted in how decisions were made and setting of organizational directions. Allegedly, our organization could be completely changed or reorganized at the initiative of the Groups, given sufficient cause. It might be time to test that authority in at least some areas of interest.

It's also interesting to note that things are today as they ever were. Bill had as many or more issues with the organizations and boards that he created as any of us ever had. There is a balance and tension, by design, between the business interests and spiritual principles by which we wish to do this business. I don't think this tension is "bad" - only that, over time, it must be constantly and diligently monitored. My opinion is that we've failed to do this, as a fellowship recently (perhaps ever...).

Other allegations: There are many stories "out there" about individuals being seduced into immoral or illegal behavior by groups or individuals acting in the name of AA.

Response: I hate each and every one of these examples. I wish we could prosecute perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law and then some beyond.

However, we are a complex fellowship with sick individuals serving sick individuals. For the life of me, I don't know how to "fix" this. Truth is, I don't know that it needs to be fixed.

In my program, God is in charge of my life. From that experience, I've seen even the worst circumstances and my worst mistakes be used for my spiritual growth and betterment.

I believe that the same thing can happen to our fellowship at large. While I hate that anyone would ever be victimized by someone in the name of AA (and I know that it has happened), I don't get to see the whole picture from where I sit. If I observe it happening in my home group or Area, I will do what little I can to make up for it. I hope and pray that other members in other locations will be similarly motivated.

But, in the end, my only hope is that AA will be around as long as it's useful to God's purpose.

...and, I hope that I have the good sense to not be a member one day after AA is no longer useful to God's purposes in my life and the world...

It's the best I've got...

Excitement - friend or foe?

I crave excitement in my life. I love roller coasters. We went whitewater rafting each year for 8 consecutive years until we realized we could just never get enough of it. I always love being on the ski slope, in an aerobatic plane, anywhere I can get a thrill I will generally move toward the "rush" as an activity given any choice at all.

I also love a loud and happy meal with friends, an enthusiastic meeting with lots of laughter, getting great news in the mail, getting compliments about how great I am, emotional stories of wondrous accomplishments of others.

I see (at least) 2 problems with this:

• I generally feel I don't get "enough"
  
• my life, in general, is not exciting

When I talk about this some with my AA friends, I get a lot of support for amping up the excitement level. Very few suggest that I learn to accept - even seek - a more quiet, contemplative life.

Yet, I'm coming to understand that this is really much of what my life today is about - making deliberate choices to allow for more "quietness".

So, I really don't think excitement, per se, is either friend or foe. I don't think I need to be biologically altered to turn off adrenaline or to not even indulge in the occasional roller coaster.

But, constantly living from one piece of drama to another is a part of my history that I really need to consciously identify drama that is not useful to either my primary purpose or growth and let that go.

Just sayin...

Enduring lectures...

I am blessed with a couple of people in my life who love to lecture me occasionally about my inadequacies - how what I do is not enough or that I'm thinking wrong or that I don't treat my boogers right or that I'm doing it the wrong way or that I have so much to be ashamed of or that ...

Through the years as I've worked the 12 steps and had several experiences of deeper spiritual awareness, I've had multiple sponsors and guides advise me to shed these relationships - to move on past them and grow relationships that are more nurturing and supportive of me in my life. I must say, I've been and still am severely tempted by that approach but there's something in me that keeps me engaged in these relationships.

I think, in their own imperfect ways, these people love me and I know for a fact that, given the view of the same scene in our lives, what I would see as criticism and harmful, they view as loving and honest.

I stay in these relationships today not because I ever expect them to change how they talk to me (although that would be most welcome any day...), but because I love them and care about them and am committed to the relationship. I feel some level of responsibility and commitment that, for today, prohibits me from leaving.

I sometimes envy the folks I see in our wonderful program who seem to embrace and release relationships like so much jewelry. They adorn their world with supportive and up-beat folks and discard those who criticize or become burdensome. It sometimes seems like that would be a much better world than the one I have.

But, it would not be my world. I seem to need the folks who are in my life. And, often, after enduring yet another lecture or unfair criticism or accusation, I realize that I'm somehow the better for it - that these people really do bless my life in a special way.

I think I bless their lives too...

...at least, I hope so...

Feeling mushy...

It has way more to do with my allergies and dealing with constant sneezing and hacking with them (I'm SO tired of explaining that it's NOT the flu - ANY kind of flu...) than any sort of great spiritual experience or growth but I find that I really hate that feeling that I used to work so hard to perpetuate. Sort of numb to the world. Sort of groggy. I'm sick of people assuming I just got up when I answer the phone or looking at me like I'm trying to kill them when I sneeze. It's just allergies!!!

But, it's my experience and I suppose it is about spiritual growth so I guess I'd best learn the lesson(s) that are in front of me.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, in my heart of hearts, I still pretty much presume that I'm going live healthy (body & mind) forever. Apart from my own little infirmity now, I have a sponsee in the ER this morning with a blood clot in his leg, another sponsee who witnessed a fatal car accident yesterday, a sister-in-law transitioning to late-stage COPD, an aunt who died after a 15-year run with Alzheimer's - it's not like I don't have immediate, glaring examples of how thin my lie (living healthy forever) is.

I'm reminded of a corporate sensitivity training a few years ago where I learned that those who are chronically disabled often refer to the rest of us as "temporarily-abled" in that, statistically, it's likely most of us will need some level of accommodation for handicap for some part of our lives before they plant the grass over our remains/ashes.

It's just allergies!!!

But, I'm reminded I'm among the large set of folks who don't have health insurance today. If I were in my sponsee's position this morning, I suppose I might die before it could be ascertained that they could admit me by bankrupting us and taking our house equty. Or, whatever...

It's just allergies!!!!!!

Anyway, I think the principle of the moment is about gratitude that I can learn something, even with a mushy head. That I am responsible for looking for an opportunity to contribute in my life today. I am responsible for mainting the cadaver the God has entrusted me with but that my over-all health and well being is not going to be an outcome that I get to totally control.

And, today I'm just fine...