Friday, May 22, 2009

Enduring lectures...

I am blessed with a couple of people in my life who love to lecture me occasionally about my inadequacies - how what I do is not enough or that I'm thinking wrong or that I don't treat my boogers right or that I'm doing it the wrong way or that I have so much to be ashamed of or that ...

Through the years as I've worked the 12 steps and had several experiences of deeper spiritual awareness, I've had multiple sponsors and guides advise me to shed these relationships - to move on past them and grow relationships that are more nurturing and supportive of me in my life. I must say, I've been and still am severely tempted by that approach but there's something in me that keeps me engaged in these relationships.

I think, in their own imperfect ways, these people love me and I know for a fact that, given the view of the same scene in our lives, what I would see as criticism and harmful, they view as loving and honest.

I stay in these relationships today not because I ever expect them to change how they talk to me (although that would be most welcome any day...), but because I love them and care about them and am committed to the relationship. I feel some level of responsibility and commitment that, for today, prohibits me from leaving.

I sometimes envy the folks I see in our wonderful program who seem to embrace and release relationships like so much jewelry. They adorn their world with supportive and up-beat folks and discard those who criticize or become burdensome. It sometimes seems like that would be a much better world than the one I have.

But, it would not be my world. I seem to need the folks who are in my life. And, often, after enduring yet another lecture or unfair criticism or accusation, I realize that I'm somehow the better for it - that these people really do bless my life in a special way.

I think I bless their lives too...

...at least, I hope so...

3 comments:

Steve E. said...

Ed, you may be right!

Mary Christine said...

Hey Ed, I don't have your e-mail address... mine is on my blog. Would love to chat about Hawaii...

Syd said...

Ed, you are welcome in Al-Anon at any time--kinda kidding here. But I have stayed in the critical, emotionally abusive relationships because I didn't think that I deserved better. I am not a quitter at all. But I also know that I don't have to take unacceptable behavior.