Guidance...

Several people have blogged or commented recently about having a GPS in their car.

My own experience is that we got a car with a GPS in it about 2 years ago. It was my wife's car but in the course of several trips, we found it useful - so, I bought one for my truck (and to use in rental cars) before a long trip to an address I didn't know. I also activated the Navigator option on my Blackberry.

These devices have fundamentally changed how we travel. Very seldom do we ask for directions anymore. Very seldom do we use Google, Mapquest or other services to print out maps in advance. No longer do we assume the stressful roles of pilot and navigator when seeking out a new place. Generally, we just plug in the address and follow directions.

They are not perfect tools (yet):

• sometimes they can't find the address - but, between the 3 devices and some finesse and logic, we can generally get close enough
• occasionally they take you on weird detours (like take an off ramp to just get right back on the same highway) - but, if you use them as a guidance tool and have a little sense of adventure and fun, it's just part of the trip and you realize you don't have to take every turn they recommend
  
• sometimes I'd prefer another route - but, these are tools, not task drivers so I detour when I want and resume guidance when it's useful
• occasionally, these devices just seem to be flat lost; probably errant data in the map database or a software glitch - but, as compared to how much time we've spent lost in the past, the over-all time savings are incredible
  

As I was going to the airport last night, I was musing about what a great metaphor this is for my growing relationship with my Higher Power:

• I have the distinct feeling in my life today that I am guided - that my next turn is clearly indicated but that I don't know what the over-all route is (or even what's at the "destination"). My responsibility is to follow directions and make an effort.
• Sometimes, I can take a detour - there will be consequences (great or small, good or bad) but that doesn't mean that I'm damned to never returning to the route or guidance that is available to me.
• Sometimes I'm still lost, but I think it's likely that the fault as to why I wind up where I am is a consequence of my not following direction than it not being available to me.
• As the same roads get more familiar, I need the guidance less and less but there is always some road that will be new in the future where I will again have to trust those turn-by-turn directions.
• If I do take a detour or turn in the opposite direction, there are always directions to get back to the path that I was headed on...

I have a feeling that I could go on forever with this but it's really time to move on...

A small thing...

I truly get that, in my life today, the only "big things" that exist are things like "love", "humility", "God", "relationships" - those things that I used to ignore completely or that had little or no meaning or value to me.

The rest of it - house, job, tools, toys, money - are all small things. Probably the smallest of things in my life today (when I am truly recovered and living the spirit-led life that I aspire to) are my judgments (opinions) of myself and other people. Don't get me wrong - I'm clear that I'm not a saint and you probably aren't either - but, most days, I'm willing to give you (and me) the benefit of the doubt that you're doing the very best that you can do and that you are (and I am) willing to grow along spiritual lines. Those that I meet that are not on some sort of spiritual path of growth don't deserve my judgments - in fact, they don't even warrant my consideration at all. They are on their own path and God is in charge of that - not me.

In one of the blogs I read this morning, I was reminded of that part of everyone's share in AA that I still listen most carefully for: do they say that they are going to share

"what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now"

...or, do they say they are going to share...

"...what I was (we were) like, what happened, and what I am (we are) like now"

Again, this is a really small thing to me but I still find it an interesting distinction and may, if someone says it deliberately or mindfully, indicate whether they've signed up for this program in the same way that I have. Perhaps their choice of words could indicate, as Mary posted the other day, whether someone is in Recovery from Alcoholism.

For example, I could share (and have shared) at a meeting that:

• I was born in a small town in eastern Colorado into a family that was more a business than a family - that I started drinking in high school and had this weird life where it always seemed like I was getting somewhere and then would fail at the last minute
• I stopped drinking
• I've had this weird life after drinking where it seems like I get a lot of stuff and relationships and then my life changes (I lose stuff and relationships) but that I don't drink - no matter what

...or, I can relate the same story (life) by saying:

• I was born into a world where I constantly felt odd and off balance - like my people had dropped me on this planet where I just didn't fit in - I found that, when I drank, I could "fit in" but it seemed like this only worked sometimes and that, in general, I just felt worse and worse around my life
• I had an experience where there were 2 undeniable facts about my life and my drinking:
  1. I (and everyone else) would be better if I were not alive
  2. maybe it was true (as I'd maintained for decades!) that drinking was not "the problem" in my life - but - what was equally and undeniably also true was that drinking was not part of "the solution" to the problems in my life
     
• Through joining AA, finding and working with an excellent sponsor, working the steps, being available for AA service - I've been changed as to who I am in my world today and today I live a life that's beyond my wildest dreams. Most days, I can't think of anyone on the planet that I would rather be than me.
  

Again, same story but one reflects what "it" was like++, the other reflects what "I" was like++.

Unless I sponsor you and hear you share or you make the mistake of asking me, I would never point out the difference. It's just a game I play in my head at meetings sometimes.

It truly is the smallest of things...

Alone...

I just realized that I never posted this article on Monday. I started it and then realized that I didn't know how to easily upload images from my Blackberry to my computer. I still don't know how to do that but finally have images and just realized that I never published an article - anyway, not that it makes one bit of difference...

I made it through the Bolder Boulder today. Several times during the "race" (it's really just 10k of a continuous party - Elvis, belly dancers, bands, tons of citizens cheering, no one cares if you're walking, running, or crawling. ...or, if you finish or not... I was just one of about 50,000 participants in an annual spectacle. I was in a crowd and completely alone.

I don't know exactly why alone-ness was so much on my mind but it reminded me how quickly, even today, I can feel completely alone. I have a home group in AA - it's a great group. We typically have over 100 people at our biggest meeting. There are probably 50 that really know me intimately for a matter of several years. I truly love these people. I know they love me and would do anything short of drinking to make me happy.

Yet, if I miss my meeting for more than a couple of weeks, I walk in the door and I feel completely alone. Lonely. I don't know any of those folks really and I figure I could (should?) just walk back out the door.

My wife had a sponsor who used to explain that he would usually go to at least 3-4 meetings a week. Sometimes, he would get really busy and miss a week - sometimes 2. Afer he was away from meetings for a couple of weeks, he'd feel restless - maybe even his family would suggest that he might want to go to a meeting. Since he worked in the travel business, sometimes he'd get really tied up and have to miss meetings for 3-4 weeks and he'd really miss the people he would hang with around AA. Then, sometimes when he went 4-5 weeks between meetings, he discovered he didn't need meetings...

...I think he just got used to being alone...

I look at my own alone-ness as a nice place to visit but I just can't indulge it without reverting back to those character defects that represent my spiritual malady.

Family stuff...

Families are funny things. Family traditions are even weird sometimes. There is nothing particularly cool or wonderful or anything about the family in my house tonight...

...except, I'm not blood related to any of them (except by declaration and commitment...)...

...and, I love them enough to go walk another Bolder Boulder...

This is the 3rd consecutive year of a tradition where some of the g'kids (+parents) come in from Seattle and several of us run (I walk, crawl, whimper, whine, gripe - you know, great style points...) with 50,000 of our closest buds. Think 10k of a constant party. I can't tell you how this is not like my stuff... I've even had an intention to get in shape so I can better participate sometimes - but I seem to get over that...

I'm 56 years old and have nothing going for me physically at this point except really great genetics. I don't deserve the ability to participate in this with my family but it's yet more evidence of God's grace that I can do this. Thank you mom & dad & God.

Again, I'm a huge fan of grace...

Anyway, I wish you all a happy Memorial Day.

If you are active or past military service, thank you for your service.

If you have had family who have been killed in duty, I will say a prayer for your comfort tomorrow. Small (or no) consolation, I know, but I stand in awe of your character, courage and strength.

I'm still a huge fan of God's grace...

4th step...

I went to a meeting on the 4th step last night. As we read page 64 from the Big Book, one more time I was reminded why I would always fail in any commercial enterprise that requires an honest inventory. You need only look in my garage to understand how much I lie to myself about values: I have parts to cars I haven't owned for 30 years; paint that's more than 25 years old for walls that haven't been that color in 15 years; broken things that I've been intending to "fix" for over 20 years that I don't have any real use for (broken or fixed); most of what I'm storing is not worth the rent for the space it fills in my house - space that would be much better served by organizing the clutter in the rest of my house (but that's a whole other article).

I'm the same way with my "old ideas": I hang onto stuff that's never - in 56+ years NEVER - worked and has only caused me and those I love pain and suffering. Yet, I hang onto these old ideas.

At about 5 years of sobriety, I had gone as far as I could on the fellowship, slogans and "faking it" in AA. I was watching myself one day do exactly the same behavior with the same out of control mind as I was using 15 years previously - drunk and sober, same activity, same feelings, same result.

I had been afraid this might happen - that AA would not work for me - that I was one of those who was "... constitutionally incapable of being honest with ..." myself. Here I was, dying in AA.

Ironically (it seems now), I was shown for the first time how to work the steps out of the AA Big Book by an Al-Anon that I turned to to help me with what I presumed were my "issues" leading to this raging insanity. After working with her for a few months, I became willing, for the first time, to ask someone in AA for help.

Thus it was that I was 5 years sober before I had a sponsor with the wisdom and experience to help me to get down to "causes and conditions" and do a "fearless and thorough moral inventory".

I'm sure, over some time, I will get a chance to write more about that process and my experiences finding the "clear directions" (they didn't seem clear and they didn't sound like directions to my sick mind) in the Big Book about the technology to accomplish a 4th step inventory.

For now, I just want to say how grateful I am that my life has been transformed, in part, through that process. All that I have today of value can be related back to that part of the process - including the several subsequent opportunities that I've had to do additional inventories.

After I shared, a person who I consider a giant in our AA community came up to me and asked me for help getting down to "causes and conditions" about something in his life.

Something about the "circle of life" goes here but, again, I think this article is long enough for today...

Thank you god...

Spritual malady...

I was looking at Scott W's blog this morning where he had the quote from page 64 of the Big Book about " When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically". I usually explain to people several times a week that, as I understand and experience it, there are 3 components to the disease of alcoholism:

1. A physical component (understood metaphorically
   as an allergy - "phenomenon of craving" that happens when I drink alcohol)
2. A mental component (the Big Book describes this in one place as a "peculiar mental twist" - I can't improve on that language)
3. A spiritual malady

My idea (this is where it gets some level of disagreement with others in AA - I don't stress over it a bit) is that the only thing we do in the program of AA is to straighten out (somewhat) spiritually. We are not cured. As said on page 85, we have "...a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition".

So, I have fully recovered from my alcoholism, not through trying harder, not through anything other than dealing with my spiritual malady. Today, I think that's it...

My efforts focused on improving my self control and discipline usually result in more sufferings from the delusion that I can "...wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if (I) only manage well?" (p. 61).

When, instead, I turn my thoughts and focus toward living a spirit-led life, I've been given a life beyond my wildest dreams.

...at least, that's the way that it's seemed to work for me so far...

Enduring lectures...

I am blessed with a couple of people in my life who love to lecture me occasionally about my inadequacies - how what I do is not enough or that I'm thinking wrong or that I don't treat my boogers right or that I'm doing it the wrong way or that I have so much to be ashamed of or that ...

Through the years as I've worked the 12 steps and had several experiences of deeper spiritual awareness, I've had multiple sponsors and guides advise me to shed these relationships - to move on past them and grow relationships that are more nurturing and supportive of me in my life. I must say, I've been and still am severely tempted by that approach but there's something in me that keeps me engaged in these relationships.

I think, in their own imperfect ways, these people love me and I know for a fact that, given the view of the same scene in our lives, what I would see as criticism and harmful, they view as loving and honest.

I stay in these relationships today not because I ever expect them to change how they talk to me (although that would be most welcome any day...), but because I love them and care about them and am committed to the relationship. I feel some level of responsibility and commitment that, for today, prohibits me from leaving.

I sometimes envy the folks I see in our wonderful program who seem to embrace and release relationships like so much jewelry. They adorn their world with supportive and up-beat folks and discard those who criticize or become burdensome. It sometimes seems like that would be a much better world than the one I have.

But, it would not be my world. I seem to need the folks who are in my life. And, often, after enduring yet another lecture or unfair criticism or accusation, I realize that I'm somehow the better for it - that these people really do bless my life in a special way.

I think I bless their lives too...

...at least, I hope so...

Balance...

My sponsor used to tell me that if I worked really, really hard on my character defects, that I could get really, really good at them. I noticed that the June Grapevine issue is on "Balance". I have a similar story there - my achievement of balance.

Over the years, I've tried and talked about achieving balance or improved balance in my life. Seems like when I do, I'm spitting in the wind in that I immediately see some part of my life or another (sometimes ALL of my life) go completely out of whack.

So, my advice to my sponsees when they ask about achieving the balance that they perceive in my life and want is that they stop focusing on it - that they give themselves wholly to "what is next" and that, over time, they will discover that "God is doing for them what they could not do for themselves..." At least that is my experience.

Don't get me wrong - I'm sure the Grapevine has a fine collection of articles and I hope to learn some tools and tips from others' experiences. But for me, if I focus on balance, I will invariably screw something up. Like, when I've focused on establishing boundaries in relationships, I've built walls and isolation that takes me years to tear down. When I focus on being honest, I'm dealt a moral dilemma that seems to be life and death. When I focus on humility, what I get is a social situation where my ineptitude leaves me in complete despair (humiliation)...

...maybe my efforts at controlling how my life should look stops with the 3rd step...?

...just a thought...

As I get further down this road, it truly seems to be one surrender opportunity after another...

...and, how others might see that is balance....

...I guess...

Rule 62...

Rule 62 comes from the story of a super-promoter in the book AA Comes of Age pp. 103-104. Briefly, against advice, the promoter created a great AA organization, of which he was the captain. They had 61 rules that were to guide them in their enterprise.

When, the organization collapsed, he created rule 62:

"Don't take yourself to damned seriously."

I fail to remember this guiding principle all to often in my life. As is also often said, "I may not be much but I'm all I think about..."

One of the things I hate most about being sick (do allergies qualify me as sick?) is that I'm forced more into self (awareness and care) than what is healthy for me. I get sick and then I get really sick.

I normally meet with a sponsee at 6 am on Wednesday but he was late - he's had a problem showing up lately so I wasn't totally surprised and quickly moved on past him in my plans for the day. When he finally called and said he was on his way, it was no big deal.

...except, it was...

For a wonderful 45 minutes, we were able to look at his fears, his problems and his solution and it completely turned my head around.

Now, I just need to move to what's next in terms of becoming useful - per the promise in many places in our Big Book (e.g., p. 49).

Thank you, God...

Feeling mushy...

It has way more to do with my allergies and dealing with constant sneezing and hacking with them (I'm SO tired of explaining that it's NOT the flu - ANY kind of flu...) than any sort of great spiritual experience or growth but I find that I really hate that feeling that I used to work so hard to perpetuate. Sort of numb to the world. Sort of groggy. I'm sick of people assuming I just got up when I answer the phone or looking at me like I'm trying to kill them when I sneeze. It's just allergies!!!

But, it's my experience and I suppose it is about spiritual growth so I guess I'd best learn the lesson(s) that are in front of me.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, in my heart of hearts, I still pretty much presume that I'm going live healthy (body & mind) forever. Apart from my own little infirmity now, I have a sponsee in the ER this morning with a blood clot in his leg, another sponsee who witnessed a fatal car accident yesterday, a sister-in-law transitioning to late-stage COPD, an aunt who died after a 15-year run with Alzheimer's - it's not like I don't have immediate, glaring examples of how thin my lie (living healthy forever) is.

I'm reminded of a corporate sensitivity training a few years ago where I learned that those who are chronically disabled often refer to the rest of us as "temporarily-abled" in that, statistically, it's likely most of us will need some level of accommodation for handicap for some part of our lives before they plant the grass over our remains/ashes.

It's just allergies!!!

But, I'm reminded I'm among the large set of folks who don't have health insurance today. If I were in my sponsee's position this morning, I suppose I might die before it could be ascertained that they could admit me by bankrupting us and taking our house equty. Or, whatever...

It's just allergies!!!!!!

Anyway, I think the principle of the moment is about gratitude that I can learn something, even with a mushy head. That I am responsible for looking for an opportunity to contribute in my life today. I am responsible for mainting the cadaver the God has entrusted me with but that my over-all health and well being is not going to be an outcome that I get to totally control.

And, today I'm just fine...