Alone...

I just realized that I never posted this article on Monday. I started it and then realized that I didn't know how to easily upload images from my Blackberry to my computer. I still don't know how to do that but finally have images and just realized that I never published an article - anyway, not that it makes one bit of difference...

I made it through the Bolder Boulder today. Several times during the "race" (it's really just 10k of a continuous party - Elvis, belly dancers, bands, tons of citizens cheering, no one cares if you're walking, running, or crawling. ...or, if you finish or not... I was just one of about 50,000 participants in an annual spectacle. I was in a crowd and completely alone.

I don't know exactly why alone-ness was so much on my mind but it reminded me how quickly, even today, I can feel completely alone. I have a home group in AA - it's a great group. We typically have over 100 people at our biggest meeting. There are probably 50 that really know me intimately for a matter of several years. I truly love these people. I know they love me and would do anything short of drinking to make me happy.

Yet, if I miss my meeting for more than a couple of weeks, I walk in the door and I feel completely alone. Lonely. I don't know any of those folks really and I figure I could (should?) just walk back out the door.

My wife had a sponsor who used to explain that he would usually go to at least 3-4 meetings a week. Sometimes, he would get really busy and miss a week - sometimes 2. Afer he was away from meetings for a couple of weeks, he'd feel restless - maybe even his family would suggest that he might want to go to a meeting. Since he worked in the travel business, sometimes he'd get really tied up and have to miss meetings for 3-4 weeks and he'd really miss the people he would hang with around AA. Then, sometimes when he went 4-5 weeks between meetings, he discovered he didn't need meetings...

...I think he just got used to being alone...

I look at my own alone-ness as a nice place to visit but I just can't indulge it without reverting back to those character defects that represent my spiritual malady.