Right use of the will...

There seems to be a theme running with me and my sponsees of late:

"... Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. 'How can I best serve Thee--Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. " BB p. 85

I suppose this only comes up for me when I am in a place of selfishness or resentment. The happiest days of the past 25 years (maybe my life) have been when I really "got" the importance and the power of this wonderful and simple admonishment.

Today, and few days recently, I find myself fighting the selfishness and resentment that used to drive my life. It's obvious what needs to be done next. It's clear what God's will is. It is just intensely difficult to drive the cadaver down the street to do it.

Instead, I want to reflect on how overwhelmed I am (like, that's going to make me less overwhelmed?). Or worry on how the circumstances on my life are not to my liking (like, that's going to make me feel better or improve the circumstances?). Or pine about all the other things that I'd do if I could (like, that's opening up the possibilities or helping me to get to do those other things?).

I see the problem. I know the solution.

I just hope God grants me the grace and I have the willingness to get through this stretch.

At least I have that hope.

That's been enough this far.

Prison

My wife and I've been taking an AA meeting to prison in a nearby city once a month for about 12 years now. It's been a joy and a chore at different times but always a blessing.

This meeting used to have around 50+ folks attend (usually about 1/2 from the outside) but then we had a member stay in a service position too long and her resentful, toxic attitude literally drove off most of those who wanted to attend - both from the outside and the inside. Then it became necessary that we follow Department of Corrections (DOC) rules for security to attend and that meant that we only get 1-2 volunteers to show up.

The meeting shrunk (at one point, we only had 2-3 inmates showing up) but then we had a couple of case workers come in who felt that it would "help" AA if they would encourage the inmates to attend by telling them that attendance at our meeting would help their case with the parole board so we now get 15-25 inmates at each meeting. It's certainly deteriorated the meeting, in my opinion, to have 50%+ of those attending just be there due to wanting to look good to parole but we do, occasionally get a few admitted drunks along with the addicts and wanna bees.

Based on whoever keeps those statistics for the DOC (and however they judge them), over 85% of those at this facility are drug or alcohol abusers.

At our meeting last month, we went around the room and asked what they were in for and if alcohol was involved in their crime. Of the ~25 people there 100% (I'm not exaggerating) said they had been drinking when the committed their crime.

...and, you could see, there were still 50%+ percent who saw no direct link between their drinking and their landing in jail...

A few months ago, "Jason" took over the meeting and has been chairing every week since (we used to rotate the chair job around). He waxes eloquent until he shuts up and lets someone else share and then it's his turn again. I've been to sicker meetings but none that I've worked as hard as this one to be able to show up to.

Last night, his topic was on "willingness" - he shared his opinions about how willing you had to be and what you had to do to express enough willingness to earn sobriety for yourself. You just had to put yourself and your needs for sobriety 1st above all else.

Not my experience...

For what are probably obvious reasons, discussions of grace and surrender are often not well received with this crowd. But, I shared and we, between the 2-3 volunteers that were there, were able to offer our experience and a picture of what AA is like for those of us who are in the program. There were a couple of inmates who were genuinely appreciative of our being there. We tried to offer Jason some perspectives where he might see things differently.

We do the best we can and this, too, shall pass. The great advantage of this particular facility is that the population seldom stays more than a few months.

...but, one more time as it's been for the past 12 years, I got to leave sober and the gate closed behind me with me on the outside...

That's good enough for today...

Philip 4 ...

I have about 10 people who call me "sponsor", about 5 who I meet with at least once a week, 5 who usually call me at least once a day. So why do I keep writing about "Philip"? (don't worry, that's not his picture - Philip is not even his real name...)

It could be the way he came to me - clearly an answer to a prayer that I'd not uttered yet. It could be that he just seemed so willing and ready. It could be that I'm just bored of trying to figure out what else to write about.

I certainly have sponsees who have more drama going on in their lives. Or ones to whom I feel much more connected and effective with.

But, at least some of the reason that I think Philip keeps showing up here is that he's the first one I've had in a long time who just seems to have that charmed relationship with their higher power - to where they are just exuding the evidence of the grace of God in early sobriety.

He got out of his program at our detox on Tuesday. We had coffee Tuesday morning (he now needs to get around on his own since the detox no longer delivers him to me at my direction - bummer for us both, right? ;-) ). We've been hovering over the 3rd step for a week now while I get my guidance as to whether we start over now that he's released and go back through the book as is my habit or whether we charge on into an inventory...

He admitted that he'd screwed up (bad term) and pursued a "relationship" while he was at the detox. We both had a laugh about the fact that I'd actually caught him in several lies while I've been working with him. I assured him that, in my experience, the only way you could tell if a drunk was lying to me was to watch closely and see if his lips were moving.

As I've written before, he has more than his share of challenges - an ex-con who's fresh out of rehab/jail in a down economy in a community tweaked about bad crimes coming at the hands of the newly released. We talked about going through life on a spiritual basis and trusting God and staying in the moment.

He then went to report into his probation officer and, while there, met someone who had a job for him. Of course.

He called to share the great news with me and when I said he "...didn't know if he'd like the work or not...", I assured him that didn't matter one little bit.

I wasn't at the meeting where he was last night but the report is that he's exactly where he's supposed to be.

Of course.

Willing to have them removed...

I was writing a blog article today on another blog on the 6th step and was reminded of the following events...

When I was about 7 years sober, I managed to squeeze the hour that is recommended at the end of the 5th step on page 75 into about a 9-month long process on one trip through the steps. It was a thorough (exhaustive?) review if how I had used the character defects that I'd discovered in step 5 in my life until that time.

Drunk and sober. Young and older. There was that corrosive thread of my spiritual malady that was expressed in my character defects. While this process, on reflection, probably had precious little to do with the working of the steps as outlined in our Big Book, it was undeniable after that effort that my life, as ruled by my core beliefs grounded in those character defects, had not only not worked, was grounded on lies and beliefs that would only lead to my ultimate demise.

I can still remember the morning (now over 17 years ago) when I was sitting in a Saturday morning meeting and I looked at the steps on the wall. I realized that I was at the same bottom with my character defects then that I'd been at with booze ~10 years earlier. I truly couldn't imagine life without these core beliefs that had "served" me my entire life, but, I also couldn't imagine going even one more day with these lies, these distortions, these character defects running my life.

I think that day I was entirely willing...

My life has not been the same since.

I've yet to find the step or the promise in our Big Book that says "...and then we rendered pure as the driven snow..." I'd like it to be there, I truly would.

But it's not...

So, I've made acknowledged spiritual progress and I still have as my "standard" spiritual perfection.

That's the best that it gets...

Another Monday after...

I was at an AA conference over the weekend.

Great speakers. Great fellowship. Great encouragement along the way. Great service opportunities. Great chances to be with newcomers. Great workshops. Great food. Great scenery. Great weather. Great chance to expand my mind about some thoughts I'd been having around the general service structure a person who's served on the board.

A veritable love-fest.

Miracles everywhere. Grace abounds. Hundreds of drunks being more than they could ever be apart from our wonderful program.

Too little sleep. Too much money spent. Too much traffic on the way home.

It was a great time and there will be some consequences. I wrote about Blue Mondays in an article earlier this month. I hate the dopey feeling I get after a great conference like this - I feel like I'm moving through thick muck for as much as a week after it.

And, I can't wait for the chance to do it all over again.

I'm weird that way... ;-)

Rotation today...

I shot this picture this morning on the way to the board meeting for the AA conference that I'm attending this weekend. It was kind of a bittersweet morning.

I am in the mountains that I love with some people that I dearly love and owe, in no small part, my life to. This conference has been about and in support of what I have for 17 years considered the "purist" form of AA - alcoholics carrying a message of experience strength and hope from the Big Book to other alcoholics. Loving me until I could love myself. Understanding the privilege of sacrifice and the blessing of service.

I chaired this conference in the past and, as a result, have been on the board for several years.

Last year, some "issues" I'd seen in the conference had compelled me to suggest an inventory of the board and take a serious look at the direction we were headed in. Based on the response to that and several other "clues", it was obvious that it was time for me to rotate off this board - my contribution was no longer needed or wanted.

I'd intended to resign in September but realized that the only reason I was going to wait until then was that my ego might be better stroked at that board meeting rather than the one held at the conference.

I'm profoundly sad by the passing of this opportunity but am also grateful for the changes that this service has offered in me. One more time, it is clear that I could not have "gotten here from there" if I'd not been engaged in this effort with these people. It was not my design or plan...

Anyway, now I'm free from this obligation and that might free up a few more minutes in my life for the next thing. I wonder what that will be?

God is good...

Philip 3 ...

I have a general way that I sponsor people. Everyone is different and I trust my gut but we generally get together and read through the book. We take it slow and do what they did so that we can get what they got.

Philip now has 40 days. It's a miracle and proof of the power of AA and the grace of a willing heart. God is good.

But I've struggled with him.

Usually, I have my guys come to my house and we read for an hour or 2 at a time - usually about once a week - sometimes more often if we can find the time.

Philip is still locked up and, although he can go most anywhere on passes, he's constrained by buses and times and places he can go. So, we've been doing the best we can on the phone and with brief meetings in public places. His God seems to be up to the task as he's the 1st real eager, genuinely enthusiastic one that I've had in a while (I usually seem to get the ones who've been around for a while.

It seems like he's really "getting it".

What a blessing...

Celebrating diversity 1...

Over the ~25 years I've been in the program, I find myself sort of wandering all over the map from "they're (doesn't make much difference who they are - they are just not 'me') not doing it right" and "they're killing alcoholics" to "live and let live" and "whatever works".

There are several (many) things that I marvel about AA - paradoxes, as it were:

• we are not organized and "We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree..." BB p. 17
• we only have one program and everyone works the program their own way
• if you're not working the steps, you will not recover and the steps are suggested only
• "meeting makers make it" and no-one has ever recovered on AA meetings
• the purpose of the steps lead us to a relationship with God and you don't need to believe in God to work our program
• for some, general service work is the foundation of recovery, others claim that all those politics would lead them to drink
  

If you've been in meetings for more than a few days, you've heard several others...

My point here is to marvel a bit at what my perspectives have been through the years. I have at different times the zealot, the fundamentalist, the liberal, and, for a while, I was even indifferent.

The thing that I notice today is that so many of us have recovered from alcoholism from so many different efforts at trying to work this program so many different ways - and yet, thousands of us have definitely recovered. For many of us, it has led us back to a religion of our youth. For me and many others, it has provided a solution we could never find in our religious heritage. For sill others, they seem to do just fine with the spiritual facets of our program not expressed in any particular religion.

It's really quite marvelous...

Today, for the first time that I can remember, I truly value all the perspectives in this beautiful program. Not merely tolerate, but appreciate that it takes all of us and all of our perspectives and experiences to create this wonderful fabric, this tapestry, of recovery an hope...

What an amazing deal...

I don't know...

I live today in a life with way more certainty than I think I've ever had.

I found myself thinking of one of those 3-statement things you hear people offer at meetings as their offerings to whatever is being discussed at that moment:

• I don't know
• I need help
• I give up
  

I'm sure that's not exactly what anyone else ever said (or, that it's really all that brilliant) but it's the best I can remember off the top of my head and it sort of makes the point that I am about today - certainty is overrated.

While, today, I like to have my life fairly predictable, life is not. It just isn't.

I'm blessed today with health, enough money to last through today, a few people who care about me - way more than many other people on the planet have tonight.

Yet, the only appropriate response that I can come up with in this spiritual journey is to "give up" - just stop the madness of presuming certainty in anything - at least anything outside of God and AA.

Because, in the midst of all this "certainty", I'm confused - about important stuff. Like: What's real? What's the next right thing? Am I really on the spiritual journey or just deluding myself? You might get the drift...

Anyway, I don't know.

I need help.

I think I'll give up for the day and ask God for the next intuitive thought or action when I need it.

And then, maybe I'll be given the grace to be able to do it...

I hope so...

Confused but back blogging...

I think this is a "just for today thing" but I'm back blogging and my intention is to blog almost every day...

...oh, if I could just be judged by my intentions...

It's true - I really do want to be judged. I want to be judged as superior. I want to be judged better than most people you know. I wouldn't really expect it, but want to be judged by you to be better than you...

I would really rather that you judge me (per above) than not judge me. I'm afraid that, if you don't judge me, you might not notice me or care enough about me that you'd form this positive opinion of me. That would be even more devastating to me than a negative judgment (why is that word not: judgement?) from you.

OK - so let us be clear - this is my disease speaking.

It's been speaking (in my head) a lot the past week.

As I've learned in the program of AA, the world judges me by my actions more than my intentions. I also have a proclivity to "step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate" (paraphrase BB p. 63).

My last week is a blur of bad mental choices and weirdness. We went with a couple of our G-kids to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight on Tuesday. This is sort of a family tradition but exacts a higher personal toll of mental fog as I get older and, after a couple of abortive attempts, I thought I'd posted blog articles on Tuesday and Wednesday and when, on Thursday I discovered I hadn't, my natural reaction was to not post then either - then I got busy and distracted until I was talking to someone yesterday about how important blogging was to me....

...then, Steve and Mary posted comments inquiring after me.

...and now, here I am...

I'm not real proud of this part of my personality. That I start better than I finish. That, given the choice of making some small sacrifice or find an easier way or a distraction, well, we all know what choice I make some times.

I've really never expected to blog perfectly - or, even to expect my actions to live up to my intentions.

But, I do intend to generally write a blog article almost every day.

I know there are people out there who will live up to that better than I do. I know there are people who will write, on a daily or occasional basis, a blog article better than mine...

But, per a discussion with my sponsor and my prayerful consideration, this (blogging) is a part of my path for now...

I think for now the principle du jour is "progress". As a former sponsor would say, "I'll leave the perfection part for when they pull the grass up over my face."

It's going to be another interesting week. I leave Wednesday for a weekend conference that used to be my favorite AA conference. I've been seriously committed to this endeavor for over 17 years and I'm thinking this might be the year for me to hang this one up. I suppose it's part of what has left me "hanging" and foggy the past few days. I don't suffer change easily....

I truly am looking forward to the conference this week and am excited to see what is revealed when it's supposed to be revealed.

Blessings to all and I apologized if I caused anyone a millisecond of concern by my absence in the past week. In reviewing the work I've done here, it's hard for me to believe that this is all that important to anyone but me but, again, in the possibility that my detour has harmed anyone, I am sincerely sorry.