I think this is a "just for today thing" but I'm back blogging and my intention is to blog almost every day......oh, if I could just be judged by my intentions...
It's true - I really do want to be judged. I want to be judged as superior. I want to be judged better than most people you know. I wouldn't really expect it, but want to be judged by you to be better than you...
I would really rather that you judge me (per above) than not judge me. I'm afraid that, if you don't judge me, you might not notice me or care enough about me that you'd form this positive opinion of me. That would be even more devastating to me than a negative judgment (why is that word not: judgement?) from you.
OK - so let us be clear - this is my disease speaking.
It's been speaking (in my head) a lot the past week.
As I've learned in the program of AA, the world judges me by my actions more than my intentions. I also have a proclivity to "step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate" (paraphrase BB p. 63).
My last week is a blur of bad mental choices and weirdness. We went with a couple of our G-kids to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight on Tuesday. This is sort of a family tradition but exacts a higher personal toll of mental fog as I get older and, after a couple of abortive attempts, I thought I'd posted blog articles on Tuesday and Wednesday and when, on Thursday I discovered I hadn't, my natural reaction was to not post then either - then I got busy and distracted until I was talking to someone yesterday about how important blogging was to me....
...then, Steve and Mary posted comments inquiring after me.
...and now, here I am...
I'm not real proud of this part of my personality. That I start better than I finish. That, given the choice of making some small sacrifice or find an easier way or a distraction, well, we all know what choice I make some times.
I've really never expected to blog perfectly - or, even to expect my actions to live up to my intentions.
But, I do intend to generally write a blog article almost every day.
I know there are people out there who will live up to that better than I do. I know there are people who will write, on a daily or occasional basis, a blog article better than mine...
But, per a discussion with my sponsor and my prayerful consideration, this (blogging) is a part of my path for now...
I think for now the principle du jour is "progress". As a former sponsor would say, "I'll leave the perfection part for when they pull the grass up over my face."
It's going to be another interesting week. I leave Wednesday for a weekend conference that used to be my favorite AA conference. I've been seriously committed to this endeavor for over 17 years and I'm thinking this might be the year for me to hang this one up. I suppose it's part of what has left me "hanging" and foggy the past few days. I don't suffer change easily....
I truly am looking forward to the conference this week and am excited to see what is revealed when it's supposed to be revealed.
Blessings to all and I apologized if I caused anyone a millisecond of concern by my absence in the past week. In reviewing the work I've done here, it's hard for me to believe that this is all that important to anyone but me but, again, in the possibility that my detour has harmed anyone, I am sincerely sorry.
4 comments:
Somehow I knew you were okay. There are days when I just can't get to the computer easily (on the boat) or am too tired to post (away at meetings and busy). But I generally can get a post up at least six days a week. Sometimes I want to take a break. But then I miss what everyone is doing. Weird to have these "friendships" with fellow bloggers who I have never met.
I am not hurt nor harmed by someone's lack of blogging, just like I'm not hurt nor harmed by someone's lack of attendance in a particular AA meeting that they usually attend.
I do, however, become curious as to their absence. The longer they are missing, the curiouser and curiouser I become.
So, thanks for checkin' in.
A couple years ago in recovery I noticed that at the same time I wanted to be recognized as superlative but not attract any attention. Glad to have you back. Your word verification is 'enera', is that for energy or inertia?
I wasn't really worried about you, I just wanted to let you know you were missed.
I think I went to the first year of the thing you are going to... and then never again... it belonged to my ex, not to me.
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