U.N.C.L.E.

Something on Scott W.'s blog from several months ago sent me back to a time in my life that I may not have thought about since my 2nd or 3rd time doing a 4th step - over 20 years ago...

When I was a kid in Junior High school (now THAT was over 45 years ago), I'd been watching Man from U.N.C.L.E. for a number of years and was just so incredibly taken by the coolness of the characters and the whole way they could be anonymous heroes in the world that I created a whole fantasy world wherein (of course) I was a (the?) key agent in a secret, powerful, international organization.

While the whole of my sleepy, small town in Colorado went about it's business, I would be picked up by silent jets in the middle of the night to go off to lead this exciting life of dangerous missions and important espionage. It was a great fantasy that crossed over into real life when I told my best friend some things about my "true" identity. I can almost still see the unbelief in his face as I tried to convince him what I was really about.

Looking back on it rationally now, I was about 2+ years younger than my classmates. They'd probably had and grown out of this stuff earlier. Anyway, we made a half-hearted attempt at doing some "missions" (usual stuff involving cherry bombs and home made bombs and churches and schools at night - I would probably have been quickly found and expelled today...) but at some level I still believed in my own fantasy until it just sort of passed. (Girls? Drinking?)

...until I was working on that 4th step...

I can remember feeling so embarrassed for myself that I thought I could die. I was such a nerdy dweeb. I mean, we're talking world class nerdy dweeb.

A few years ago, my step-daughter fell in love with the movie Napoleon Dynamite. She's watched it a number of times when I've been around - she particularly wanted her son (our g'son) to watch it when he went to high school. I've tried to watch it several times and must leave the room. It's just too painful. I even think I looked (gawd - look!) like him.

Anyway, it's one of the great things about growing older in sobriety (or older any way...). I've gotten over this stuff. All that embarrassment I felt for who I was (O.K. - the UNCLE fantasy was just the beginning of a weird life) is past. I've made amends. It just doesn't matter any more. I was a dweeb. Sometimes I'm still a dweeb. But, I have found the beauty of God in many people where I would not expect it.

I'm confident it must be in me as well.

Napoleon Solo, Illya Kuryakin and, Angelique rule...

Vote for Pedro.

Confused but back blogging...

I think this is a "just for today thing" but I'm back blogging and my intention is to blog almost every day...

...oh, if I could just be judged by my intentions...

It's true - I really do want to be judged. I want to be judged as superior. I want to be judged better than most people you know. I wouldn't really expect it, but want to be judged by you to be better than you...

I would really rather that you judge me (per above) than not judge me. I'm afraid that, if you don't judge me, you might not notice me or care enough about me that you'd form this positive opinion of me. That would be even more devastating to me than a negative judgment (why is that word not: judgement?) from you.

OK - so let us be clear - this is my disease speaking.

It's been speaking (in my head) a lot the past week.

As I've learned in the program of AA, the world judges me by my actions more than my intentions. I also have a proclivity to "step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate" (paraphrase BB p. 63).

My last week is a blur of bad mental choices and weirdness. We went with a couple of our G-kids to see the new Harry Potter movie at midnight on Tuesday. This is sort of a family tradition but exacts a higher personal toll of mental fog as I get older and, after a couple of abortive attempts, I thought I'd posted blog articles on Tuesday and Wednesday and when, on Thursday I discovered I hadn't, my natural reaction was to not post then either - then I got busy and distracted until I was talking to someone yesterday about how important blogging was to me....

...then, Steve and Mary posted comments inquiring after me.

...and now, here I am...

I'm not real proud of this part of my personality. That I start better than I finish. That, given the choice of making some small sacrifice or find an easier way or a distraction, well, we all know what choice I make some times.

I've really never expected to blog perfectly - or, even to expect my actions to live up to my intentions.

But, I do intend to generally write a blog article almost every day.

I know there are people out there who will live up to that better than I do. I know there are people who will write, on a daily or occasional basis, a blog article better than mine...

But, per a discussion with my sponsor and my prayerful consideration, this (blogging) is a part of my path for now...

I think for now the principle du jour is "progress". As a former sponsor would say, "I'll leave the perfection part for when they pull the grass up over my face."

It's going to be another interesting week. I leave Wednesday for a weekend conference that used to be my favorite AA conference. I've been seriously committed to this endeavor for over 17 years and I'm thinking this might be the year for me to hang this one up. I suppose it's part of what has left me "hanging" and foggy the past few days. I don't suffer change easily....

I truly am looking forward to the conference this week and am excited to see what is revealed when it's supposed to be revealed.

Blessings to all and I apologized if I caused anyone a millisecond of concern by my absence in the past week. In reviewing the work I've done here, it's hard for me to believe that this is all that important to anyone but me but, again, in the possibility that my detour has harmed anyone, I am sincerely sorry.