How it works...

On another site I "play around" with the AA program online, I started a minor s-storm by relating a recent experience at my home group.  From others' posts, I know that I'm not the only one who occasionally feels like I can get the hassles I find online in my face-to-face life so, like, why do I do this?

Anyway, as this storm was blowing around, I found it hard to post something here since my head had been pretty negative.  However, this came to mind today.  I posted similar articles in both forums...

Given:

"The AA Message" = "To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of ..." ("this book" is how it is written in the Big Book but, I think the implication from the conversations I've had recently is that we substitute "meeting" or "relationship" or "conversation" and extend to "the whole of AA")

How that works is (no particular order):

• meetings and other gatherings that are solution focused and have a clear sense of purpose aligned with our message (above)
  
• guidance by those who have had the experience of our path to recovery (some people call these "sponsors")
  
• individuals who are motivated to not drink (we don't supply that initial motivation), work a program of recovery carefully hidden in our Big Book in a chapter of the name of this post
• in the course of that program, they clean up their past and live differently henceforth
• as a part of that program, they learn of a way of life that includes "love and service"
• as a result of that program, they accomplish a spiritual awakening which orients them toward living by new principles in the world and places them in service to carry "the message" (see above)
  
• one of the many promises in our basic text is that, if people follow this program of recovery, they will become useful  - this is to be encouraged above all else (being useful to God and our fellows)
  
• we come to appreciate and apply the principles of the steps, traditions and, concepts as AA's 3 legacies of recovery, unity and service

At least I think that's how it works...

My favorite night...

This is my favorite night of the year.  It's the night they give me an extra hour.  I just have to love a world that, once a year, gives me an extra hour to enjoy.

Some years I just sleep.  Some years I watch TV.  Some years I play with this project or that.  Many years, like this, I waste 3-7 hours doing a little of this and a little of that and wind up just relishing enough in that extra hour that I wind up tired and feeling hung over the next day.  Or the next week.  It's my own personal little annual time to enjoy an extra little time in my life  - my own one little personal hour of Rumspringa every year.

OK, I know it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me...

Anyway, I decided that I could finally risk a full face picture of me and my lovely wife on this blog.

Anonymity be damned - it was our night to go to a meeting and hang with the clowns in AA...

A mighty maple...

This maple tree in our front yard on the west side of our house is about 35 feet tall and has a canopy at least that broad.

We moved into this house about 23 years ago and, when we bought the house - and many times since - I've remarked that this tree was probably worth more than the house.  It has been a perfect shade tree.  It is the reason we need minimal air conditioning even with our blazing sun in the Colorado summers.  Most springs and falls are more pleasant because of it's colors and grandeur.

Maples don't fare well in our climate.  We're sem-arid here with legendary low humidity and most winters include at least a few days of gusts over 100 mph.  Some years, you can fairly hear the tree gasping for moisture and rest.  We laughingly refer to our  "breezes" of 40-50 mph.

Since the tree was not well cared for when it was younger (it probably dates back at least as old as the house, approximately 1950, but probably pre-dates that by some time), we've had tree surgeons out several times in the past 10 years (more than $5,000 work) and each time they've whacked and trimmed but, well, it's just not all that healthy.

We had record snowfall this week and, since the tree hadn't lost all its leaves, it's paid a high price.  Just guessing based on the branches that have already fallen or are probably dead from breaking, I think at least 1/8 of the tree has died off.

I find myself really identifying with this tree.

We could spend hours reflecting on the "pruning" I've been through since I got to AA.  More than once, I've hung onto on my old ideas that were clearly no longer of any use but that were so attached to my "self" that I feared if I let those ideas go, my very identity would be threatened.  It's a process I love to talk about since I think it demonstrates the great power for good that our program stands for.  I credit with the life and happiness that I have today.

But, it's never easy.  Ever.  I hang onto those old ideas until, when they crash, they come crashing down and sometimes damage others around me when they fall.

And, my life depends on whacking out those ideas.  If I don't get pruned, my whole life will be destroyed when the snows come.

I hope our tree survives.  I think it really is more valuable than the house we live in.

I hope I do too...

Any lengths...

We had our 1st major snow last night.  I was a little late this morning (~6am) getting my paper in the driveway and, as I was collecting the paper and taking my neighbor the one that is always delivered on the wrong side of the house, was musing about how I could have probably slept in as I figured my 6am sponsee wouldn't be showing up.

He usually does show up but, since it's a 30 minute drive for him and the roads were obviously sloppy, I just figured he wouldn't make it.  Made me think about how many people through the years I've known who really want to have a different life but, well, they just can't show up.

I was grousing in my head about how they told me when I got here that "...if I'd work just 1/2 as hard at staying sober as I did for a drink, that I'd surely succeed.

That's worked so far....

Anyway, before much of this revelry went on long, my sponsee pulled in less than 5 minutes late.

Turned out, "any lengths" was the theme of our time for the next hour or so.

He has a sponsee and a nephew - both of whom are early in sobriety and both of whom have seem to hit that wall of willingness that so many of us don't get through.  "It's just too hard to get to meetings without a car..."  "The people at that meeting are just a bunch of gossips|flirts|pious Patties|old cheapskates| ..." "I was going to write on my 4th step but decided I needed a night off..."

There is always a reason - a perfectly good reason - for not doing something around the program.

Sometimes, when I read chapter 5 at a meeting, I get a little cute when I read: "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it..." (BB - p. 58) and put the emphasis on ANY.  Like, would you go to ANY length?  Even just one length?

Seems some people aren't willing (or able?) to get that motivation.  They need another round or 2 in the ring with the gorilla.  They need to learn something.  They need the gracious gift of desperation.

A former sponsor of mine used to say, "...it doesn't do anyone any good if I'm working harder on their sobriety than they are...".

Today, I think I've gone to enough lengths.

I hope so...

The icks...

A few of my friends in AA have been going through what I call "the icks" lately.  I had a sponsor I used to call up (often) and say: "...the sick is on me bad today..." and then I'd launch into the familiar diatribe about how bad my life was and how hopeless all appeared.

This sponsor's solution was largely centered around inventory and prayer and meditation.  I have nothing against those - they are cornerstones to our program of recovery.  I'm grateful for all he taught me about those tools that I still use today.

After he fired me, I got hooked up with my current sponsor and he's pretty much of another persuasion - when you're under the oppression of alcoholism (real alcoholics will probably understand this), when you're into what I've hear called at east coast meetings "stinkin' thinkin'", his solution is to look for an immediate opportunity to be of service.  The more consuming this is (sponsorship, chairing a committee, starting a group, jail/detox meetings, helping your kids or wife - doesn't have to be an alcoholic - etc.) the better.

While at face value this seems to just be a distraction, I can't tell you how many times this has worked wonders for me in terms of getting past my own head enmeshed in fear and darkness.  It is, after all, what our Big Book book recommends.  It's solution for my darkness and despair is not (only) changing sponsors, going to another dance, seeking a more intense 3rd step experience, changing churches or gurus, changing diet, getting more exercise, going to a therapist, changing medications, etc.  Some of these items (and others) might be the right thing to do sometimes.

But, what Bill discovered was: "...I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day..." (BB p. 15).  This suggestion is repeated a number of times in our book.

The fact that today, most days, I can get one foot in front of another to make progress toward some sort of real solution is a miracle that is beyond my wildest imagination.  It is evidence of God's grace in my life.

About me - not...

I love that Step 10 has some of the most explicit instructions in the Big Book. It suggest that we continue to watch for "...selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear..." and "...when these crop up..." (it doesn't say "if" these crop up - they know those things will crop up for all of us), it gives us clear, direct instruction using completely unambiguous time frames (like "immediately", and "at once").

I once had a sponsor who had a very strictly proscribed method for doing the 10th step.  He nagged and cajoled me toward doing this step in his way for years until I'd reached the ultimate surrender - I decided I had to find a new sponsor.

I was "shopping" for who my next sponsor was to be for a number of weeks when, out of the blue, I had this incredible thought: "Why don't you try doing a 10th step in the way your sponsor suggests for a while?"  It was such an incredible revalation to me, I couldn't understand why when I presented it to others they laughed.  Probably like you are now...

Anyway, it started one of the most incredible experiences  I've had in recovery.  On a daily basis I did exactly what our Big Book suggests, exactly as my sponsor proscribed.  It was amazing.

Years later, when that sponsor fired me, I felt an amazing freedom and have never been without a sponsor who I am accountable to.  I am more accountable to a sponsor today than I was in my first years of sobriety.

And, on a good day, the several 10th steps I do keep me clear with God, also.

About me...

The punch line of a number of setups runs something like: "...enough of me talking about me.  Please, let me shut up so you can talk about me..."

..or, something like that...

The "Internet and AA" workshop was yesterday.  I can't tell you how grateful I am for the preparation that I did for this workshop in this past week's blogs.  I got to hate writing about this stuff but it was because I needed to do my own work around this - I was not looking at some truth that I needed to get to for myself.

As far as the workshop, I was handed 2 topics: (1) the history of our Area's web site and (2) an explanation of my home group's web site.  I really wanted to talk more about other things I'd learned in the week about recovery social networks and the like - seemed much more important to PI and other topics around what one might do and not do as an AA member on the internet.  But, I was given instructions and that's the more important lesson for me in these gatherings.

Four of us were to briefly share on our appointed topics and then allow at least an hour and a half for questions from the audience.  Several times in my presentation, I related my experience and offered that I had some "...other recent experience in..." hoping to seed some questions where I could respond and talk about what I wanted to talk about.

We all covered our topics, we then spent about 45 minutes dealing with questions from an "ask-it basket" which was seeded with questions the organizers wanted responses to - most of which forced us to re-hash some of topics already covered.  As I answered these questions, I again hinted about what I saw as more important issues and concerns for AA on the internet today.

To make a long story slightly shorter, I left without talking about much the stuff I thought was important what I thought folks would really be much more interested in.

On the plus side, there were about 30 alleged drunks collected for over 3 hours on a gorgeous and not one of us seemed to be drinking.

Neither was I.

I think that was good enough...

Internet and AA - finishing thoughts

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

The internet has fundamentally changed "how I do" AA.  This is hard to over-state:

1. Almost all of my AA service is coordinated and scheduled via email and common calendars.
2. Most of what I write, report or, collaborate on is done online.
3. When I need to look up a particular phrase or passage from our Big Book, I'll often start online even if the book is sitting right next to me.
4. When I travel, I usually start looking for meetings that I might attend via internet searches (e.g. Google: AA Boulder CO, online Intergroup, etc.).
   
5. When we do night-watch for our local central office (phones from AA central office are transferred to my home or cell phone overnight so that it appears I'm answering the call at the local AA office), we try to be close to a computer so that we can look up meeting times and addresses online if necessary.
6. My home group keeps our speaker calendar online (privacy protected) so that more than one person can schedule speakers for the meeting.
7. When I research a topic, idea or some part of AA history, I usually start online.
8. When I refer a speaker tape to someone, I usually look for the speaker online before flipping through our badly maintained library.
9. When I have a question about an event, I usually look for the flier online before sorting through my mountains of paper.
10. I write blog articles frequently (almost daily). 
11. I read 6-7 members' blog entries almost daily.
12. I participate in (primarily watch) online social networks.
    
13. I collaborate with other people about AA issues and concerns online.
14. AA meets the rest of my life (travel, schedule, etc.) where the rest of my life happens online (e.g. web maps, travel sites, calendars, banking, etc.).

I suppose that's not unique to AA.  If I'd given my life to  a church 25 years ago, it would have probably evolved similarly.  We have a good friend in the fellowship who was recently ordained as a monk.  It's amusing to think how he's integrated that ancient calling and path to the world of Google and Twitter.

But, if AA is to remain relevant and available to the drunk of today and tomorrow, I think we must pay attention to and care about how and where AA, as an entity, is online.

In all of my reflections this week, I've found myself often thinking "how is this new?"  Quite often, my answer is "Not at all!!!".  The same traditions and principles that have caused us to recover and have protected our fellowship for 75 years need simply to be adapted and applied to the world and the AA work that includes the internet.

I've thought often about how Bill "sold" the idea of writing a book to the approximately 25-35 people that comprised our fellowship in 1937.  Many (some argue the majority) felt that the AA message of recovery could not be carried by a book.  That, writing a book would be a distraction to the fellowship and would dilute the AA message and limit it's effectiveness.  Bill persevered, our Big Book was published and AA was born anew.

Today, I think we need to look for the dozens of good AA members who will engender AA's presence online much as Bill's vision brought us a book.  The challenges will involve applying principles of anonymity, self-support, honesty, self-sacrifice - all of them will be discussed endlessly until the truth, for us, emerges.

With an appreciation of, perhaps even a reverence for, AA's guiding principles and traditions, we will make new mistakes, learn our lessons and carry our message as best we can wherever the hand reaches out for hope.

That can be our responsibility...

Internet and AA - group web stie

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

Probably one of the few really "controversial" things my home group has ever decided to do was to set up a web site for our group.  We've never been questioned more about "what is the purpose?" and "do you really think that is OK with our traditions?" for anything as much as this decision.

The decision to try out a web site happened at a group inventory discussion one time when one of our members mentioned that he had a hosting service that he wasn't using as it was originally intended (it was set up for a class reunion that had come and gone) and so there was about 9 months hosting service that was not being used.  So it was available to us for free and we just decided to set it up and use it.

Previously, the same member had set up a trial for us of a "discussion forum" in support of our group conscience.  We'd not used that much but we saw the value and thought if we went to a better forum software package, it might be more useful.

In our Area, one group had a party about nine years ago.  A member took pictures throughout the afternoon and, as a service to the group, registered and set up a group web site and posted all the pictures to the site.  I don't remember for sure if full names were included, but I think they were.  (makes a better story anyway)

Of course, there was much discussion at the ensuing emergency group conscience meeting.  The group then decided that they did want to have a web site but they took down the pictures and set up their site in accordance with agreed upon constraints.

My group's web site really has a fairly narrow scope and purpose.  We use it to:

1. Communicate meeting times and places to new and visiting folks
2. Offer directions and parking instructions
3. Relate, if anyone would care, our group's history
4. Communicate via a forum
5. Share speaker audio (mp3's) among members
   

There is both a "public" and a  "private" forum.  Both the public and the private forum are probably going to die soon due to lack of use.  There are much better forums for their purposed discussions to the general public and our current members seem to not be able or willing to utilize this as a means of communication (it was thought that forum-style discussion would be easier and better than emails).

Even with this limited scope, our group has been accused of "promotion" and being more impersonal in AA.  I guess the thought is that, if someone wants to know something about our group, we should chase them down and tell them about it in person. (?)

Anyway, it's been up about a year now and the major accusations and discussion seems to have died down.  As with so much in my service experience as well as my own walk in this path, the whole hoopla (on a group web site) has been largely overblown (you would have thought we were actively working to kill AA by some peoples' positions).  I am amazed sometimes when it seems we want to leave no good deed unpunished...

It has been useful to a few people and that is probably a good thing.

Internet and AA - recovery social networks

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

Yesterday, I wrote about AA members' participation in the current technology of online social networking.   I was tempted, in this article, to simply write "the same, only more so" and drop it at that.  That still may have been the best idea.

However, most of the people reading this are probably aware that, of the rapidly growing specialty networks and groups, "recovery networks" are among the largest and fastest growing of the social networks.  One "authority" has a guess of about 1,000 recovery social networks online today and several more popping up each week.  We drunks do like to meet.

Unfortunately (or, fortunately if you're in the business), addicts and every other variant of substance abuse or folks who use 12-step or other recovery programs also like to meet.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I've decided to not mention any of these web sites or networks by name here.  They're easy to find and are referenced often in others' blogs and recovery articles.  One of them boasts over 140,000 members and includes tools like graphs that link your sponsorial lineage much the same as heritage sites link up family trees - sometimes all the way back to Bill and Bob, if all the links are in place.  Another of the sites has, I'm told, over 40,000 members - all with what purport to be actual picture of members in their profiles (it's strongly encouraged there).  In my AA community, it's probably unlikely that you'd find a meeting without at least one member advocating one of these online networks.

All of the sites/networks that I've investigated (probably about 15-20 total so far) have many of the items of concern that I raised in yesterday's article about AA in generic social networks/online communities.

That said, there are people who are getting and staying sober as a consequence of the generous participation of real drunks and addicts in these forums.  Thank you God.

However, the license that's presumed of talking only with "people in recovery" in a community or a partitioned part of a larger health or special interest community, I think, might leave us as AA members at less than our best.  Therefore, I'm only slightly reluctant to delineate some of the concerns I have about AA members' participation in these networks.  I know there are some networks that avoid some of these pitfalls and there may be some "perfect" sites out there that I'm not aware of yet.  I will keep looking.

In the mean time here are some gross generalities about what I think might be wrong with participation in these sites as an AA member (in no particular order):

1. The presumed "closed-ness" of these sites seem to give some people the assumption that personal anonymity is not necessary or useful.  People use full names, pictures and, sometimes, location information that seems reckless even for privacy concerns, especially given some of the details that they reveal about themselves.  Clearly, for some, there are agendas well beyond "recovery" in the social interactions.  I can imagine there is some real connecting beyond the online social network - in the carnal sense.
   
2. This open-ness can be good and harmless.  But, much as happens with 13th-stepping in face meetings, you can see people "hitting on" newcomers.  I've entertained the thought  of posing as a newcomer on some of these sites ("...anyone can be a Las Vegas showgirl on the internet...") and ensnaring some of these predators.  Question is, what would I do when I got them?
   
3. All of these networks are paid for by something and the message gets muddled as a result:
1. Some are clearly partitions/sub-groups of other social networks where the goals may or may not be well articulated (a church, a "health network", a treatment center, etc.).  The bias of the membership and leaders is clear in some ways and hidden in others so that I always expect someone is subtly trying to sell me something.  I've known people who have attempted to parlay their participation in a recovery social network into a career.
   
2. Many of these networks are paid for by advertising.  I may be prudish but I find it disgusting to have adds for treatment centers, books, other online services or, electronic smokeless cigarettes on the page where I'm sharing my experience, strength and hope in AA.
3. Some purport to be (at least partially) self-supporting but, in my limited investigation, I've not found any site with any current and credible disclosure of expenses and contributions.
4. As of yet, I've not found any of these networks that support any sort of primary purpose or singleness of purpose in accordance with AA traditions.  Even those forums and sites where there is implied strong AA affiliation (e.g. guidelines posted of "please limit your sharing in this forum to alcoholism and the recovery from alcoholism only "), sharing is not effectively constrained.  It reminds me of a local group that had closed AA meeting that would, if a non-alcoholic showed up, take a quick vote and open the meeting to all.  Every time.
   One can clearly see the utility of this - you get more members in your network if you include everyone and some of these sites really encourage you to maximize your "identification" across all programs/fellowships they try to serve.
   If you're concerned about AA's singleness of purpose in the world of recovery (I am), you might be marginalized in these forums/networks.
5. As far as I know, there is no common, open, technology today that will eliminate what you say in one forum being copied or placed in some other part of the web.  Even those proprietary systems which protect data and images can generally be thwarted by novices.  As recently as this morning, something I posted in one Yahoo! group was copied to another group that I'd deliberately not placed this information in.  It's just the nature of the beast that what you share online can and does take on a life of it's own.  This includes your pictures and your personal information as well.

As I stated yesterday, this technology is changing rapidly.  I've not even mentioned in these articles the huge number of "online meetings" based on email lists or other "bulletin board" platforms as I think the new social networking platforms have largely overtaken these in a very few years (at least in terms of numbers).  These current platforms are not static either and will more toward yet better ways of establishing and maintaining contacts.

Again, as I said yesterday, I don't think these negatives should keep us, as AA members, from participating in some of these forums.   I think we should, however, give the same prayerful consideration of how and where we apply all our principles in this arena - knowing full well that there is both a persistence (this information that I'm sharing might outlive me) and a scope (when I post this message, it will be available all over the world for anyone to use or misuse as they choose) that is new in this generation of AA to this type of sharing.

God's purposes in AA will surely be done in this arena at least as well as they've been accomplished until this time.

I hope so.