Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Picking fights...

I 've noticed recently that my wife seems to picking more fights - with many people but with me in particular. It's a stressful time in our life and she's got a lot on her plate but I notice that there are more and more things "coming up" for us. Over 22+ years of living together, these seasons come and they go. There are many things we don't agree on and, during this time, it seems she's almost belligerently taking "stands" against me - unwilling or unable to accept a different perspective than what she owns.

As someone who tends toward the "sensitive" side of the scale, I own that my reactions are not always appropriate.

It's times like this that I envy those who talk about and understand the whole "boundary" thing. As with so much of the babel (psycho or religious) that flows through many AA meetings, I've had to deliberately let go of even using the terms so that I don't perpetuate the harm in my life or tolerate it from sponsors instead of their doing their own tough work.

I'm open-minded about these things as concepts, but my experience in focusing deliberately on "boundaries" causes me to create walls and enmity that can take a decade or better to tear down. Same thing happens to me when I try to focus on "balance" - all the sudden life turns into a roller coaster where nothing gets done or accomplished.

So, this season will pass on to something else. On a good day, I can enjoy a moment or 2 of intimacy and support. On a really good day, I can be useful. The other days, god gives me the grace to contribute somewhere.

It's life...


Scott W said...

That's life!

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

Syd said...

We talk a lot about boundaries, detaching with love, and balance in Al-Anon. I guess it's because we have no boundaries or bust through those of others. It's an interesting subject and one that generates a lot of discussion.

There are simply times when I'm not inventorying myself well and start to be irritable. If I'm aware enough, I get myself out of it. Good luck, Ed.

Anonymous said...

Boy I can really relate to this Ed. I really like how you described when trying to focus on balance, and then life turns into that roller coaster ride. Maybe in order to balance things we have to keep our eye on the big picture all the time, heck , I don't know, still trying to figure that one out for myself. Great posts!