Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A good heart...

I went for a walk this morning with a former sponsee/friend. He said, several times, he thought I had a "good heart".

I struggle with whether to just do a long article and tell my whole story once and just refer to it or reveal it piecemeal and relate bits of it as it's relevant to what I post but I guess for now, you need to just trust that, in sobriety, I was promoted up a corporate ladder over 18 years to middle management in the communications industry when it was flying high (2000). 6-figure income, being "important", jetting all over the world, sought after, respected, revered(?), all that. I was laid off Septembet, 2002. I started a construction/maintenance company and in 4.5 years discovered that we could successfully build anything except a profit. At the end of my rope and having spent all our IRA there, I combined my company with another company where I was president and, in 3 months, I thought we were set to take over the world when, in an ugly scene, I was fired from my own company.

That was May of 2007. I've been struggling (like, trying to be willing to stay on the planet) with "what's next" since. We've lived on negative income until, this year, our whole savings will run out. Trust me, I'm not whining because I know that we were just ahead of the game and that MANY people are either in the same boat as us or are following shortly behind. On a good day (I mistyped "god day" and either are apropos), my wife and I joke about being trend setters - we lost our jobs and savings long before it became the fashion.

On a bad day, well, again trust me, it's hard to drag one foot in front of the other but, so far, I've been given the grace to do that.

My orders from my sponsor are to "...stop managing..." and follow my heart (not my head) and trust god that I will be given what I need, when I need it. I've got to tell you:
  1. it's working
  2. it's not the least little bit comfortable
Many times, I'm just sure that today will be the day that it's all going to come crashing down. I accept that as an "old idea" but I really don't think I have the faith to persevere.

So, my friend and I were walking and talking about what was going on with me and I talked some about how much I'm enjoying blogging, the web work that I've committed to do, learning this generation of working on the web, our principles workshop, learning about our AA principles, etc. - in other words, having a really good time following my heart as best I can...


I really don't know how we're going to pay the bills this summer...

Then he said again, "...but, you've got a really good heart..."

Trust me (I know I'm saying that a lot but you've either got to trust me or this will be a REALLY long post ;-) ), with 25 years on this path and being as sober and as sane as I can be today, it's all I can do to not try to convince him otherwise. I figure he just doesn't see the selfishness, the fear, the dishonesty that I know is in my heart. It's certainly not the good heart that he sees.

And then I come back to my computer and Scott, Mary, Pam, Steve, and others offer me some encouragement in the blogosphere via posts and comments.

I cried...

So, for now, please don't let me talk you into what an evil person I am (trust me, I'm really persuasive and know that I could convince you ;-) ).

...and, let's hope for today, that this good heart really is "enough".



Mary Christine said...

Oh, I don't think you would convince me - I know that song, and I can see how untrue it is for others - long before I can see that it is untrue for me. Thanks for sharing the real stuff. I really appreciate it.

Scott W said...

"You will not have that for which you ask, nor can you have anything you want. This is because your very request is a statement of lack, and your saying you want a thing only works to produce that precise experience—wanting—in your reality.

The correct prayer is therefore never a prayer of supplication, but a prayer of gratitude.

When you ask God in advance for that which you choose to experience in your reality, you, in effect, acknowledge that it is there…in effect. Thankfulness is thus the most powerful statement to God; an affirmation that even before you ask, I have answered.

Therefore never supplicate. Appreciate."
~page 11, Conversations with God

This changed my life forever. I only pray prayers of gratitude. I have been given everything I need for 54+ years. I am now working a spiritual program. Why would the God of my understanding drop me now?

Syd said...

Ed, I have all those things that you mention but also know that my heart is good. I don't want to be selfish, fearful, dishonest, and malcontent. I am just an imperfect human. God knows that and I'm thankful that He sees the real me. And still loves me.