I've been sort of noodling about a situation that's fairly common in AA (and life in general). There's the sort of person who, when the argument is over and you admit that you're wrong, they just can't get over it - it's like not enough for you to admit that they're "right", you have to get it real clear that you're "wrong".And then, they need to really make sure that every one else knows that you're wrong too.
In fact, perhaps you don't even get to resolve the argument - they simply set up and enemy camp and collude with the other people in that camp that you're wrong. They seem to take a particular delight in that - go way out of their way to assure each other how wrong you are. Wrong-wrong-wrong - you're so very wrong...
So I'm not talking about disagreements - they will happen.
I'm not talking about gossip - that happens and may be a part of what I'm talking about but it's more than that...
It's not just being rude - ok, it is rude behavior...
...but, I was seriously in question as to why this behavior was rude or wrong...
Finally, it just occurred to me - the action that folks are taking about rubbing your (my) face into how wrong you (I) am - they are punitive.
...had never occurred to me that what we have here is a warranty 5 situation (AA's warranties are contained in our 12th Concept) and the action is "personally punitive nor an incitement to public controversy". Bill's essay on this in the AA Twelve Concepts for World Service (pp. 69-74) is most instructive.
Finally, I understand why this bothers me and why I don't get to argue my way out of this. I know in our Big Book that I've "ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol" (p. 84).
I love this deal...
Ed
2 comments:
Punitive is the perfect word for this. I've been listening to a Zen CD that talks about self-hate and how that can cause others to punish and be punitive. Interesting stuff. My question to me is why do I sometimes take this behavior and not walk away.
It's so healthy when I can just let it go.
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