Incapable...

I was sent this yesterday so hopefully this is something new to at least one person - it would probably go better with a post on facades and putting on a front...

I have realized one more time that I am incapable of living the life I've been given. I can't meet others' expectations. Far worse, I can't meet my expectations, even when they're lowered significantly.

For me today, this is the good news. Once I get to this place of surrender, something else entirely can take over and my life will move on as it's supposed to.

...at least that's the hope...

God is doing...

I have a sponsee that I meet with on Wednesday mornings. We've been doing this deal for about 16 months and he's as fine an example of the miracle in AA as any I've seen.

A year ago, we were dealing with the loneliness and despair where she had kicked him out for drinking. Today, we're dealing with the despair and frustration of living with someone who's sick (yeah, same girl...) - trying to figure if we can get through one more week of verbal abuse and sick behavior.

It's almost amazing to realize that a year ago (in addition to being lonely), he was so much in debt he would never be able to recover, he was 7 years behind in filing taxes, his business was failing, his kids and step kids wanted nothing to do with him, his body was failing.

Today, he's almost through a 9th step and all those things are taken care of.

...all of them...

He's nearly debt free. He's filed or filing all his tax returns. His business has recovered and paid back 1/2 of what is owed all the creditors - will probably be out of debt by year's end. His kids and her kids can't get enough of him. His body has recovered and is allowing him to work more like a young man.

...now, if he could just get her to act right...

;-)

Philip and technology...

As a consequence of Philip's last relapse, he was sentenced by something called the "drug court" to wear an ankle bracelet that senses if he's been drinking.

I've never heard of such a thing. You can imagine his reaction - probably a lot like mine would have been early in the days after my last drink: "...invasion of privacy!", "...it's not like I was doing something criminal or bad for society!", "...why are they picking on me?!!!"

Reminded me of a meeting when I was in my 1st year in the program. We had several very young people (high school!!) trying to sober up in and around the meetings at the clubhouse where I attended most of my meetings. We had a most memorable meeting where a girl showed up still flushed and sick looking declaring, "...well, I'll NEVER take Antabuse again!!!" She had really not liked the consequences of drinking on antabuse and she'd really learned her lesson. She never intended to drink again but the one thing was sure: she was NEVER going to take antabuse - that crap made you really sick if you drank while you take it.

So, Philip seems to be back on a path and 3 times a week, he gets to show up and allow someone to download the data in his bracelet and verify that he's not had a drink.

My only hope is that, before the bracelet comes off, he can find a power sufficient to keep him sober without it...

We'll continue work on that in a few minutes...

Bookstore...

We have a new Barnes & Noble that opened up in our town recently. They just moved from one store to a new one the built across the parking lot from the old one. I guess the real point of the exercise was that they needed to move out of their old store so that Whole Foods (I call them Whole Paycheck) could expand.

Anyway, I had a B&N certificate from xmas, I'd not been to the new store and my wife needed something at Whole Foods so an adventure was planned.

My first impression of the new store is it seemed silly to have built a store that was smaller than the old store. Since the layout is a little different, it was hard to figure out how much smaller it was but this is a town that is big on big bookstores (we even have a thriving independent bookstore), so you'd think that they'd at least match the store they're putting in malls.

The next part was the hard part of the endeavor. The book that I was looking for was in the "Addictions & Recovery" section. I must tell you that it's been at least 15 years since I've deliberately even slowed down in front of that section in any bookstore.

A few years ago, I fell in with a set of folks who studies and reveres AA's Big Book as the only authority on Alcoholism and AA's program of recovery. As someone who'd spend countless hours in the self-help section, I'd reformed and we'd either ridicule or try to weed out any other source of recovery guidance.

I must say, I'm still mainly in that camp today...

But, someone who I respect had recommended a book that I'd borrowed from the library, it's now going on 3 weeks overdue and, I think I want to add it to my library - if only temporarily.

...besides, since I was just using a gift card, it's not like I'm really buying it, is it?

...oh, yeah...

Anyway, so here I was in the "forbidden" section in the new store and several things occured to me:

1. This section is much smaller than it was 15 years ago. Personally, I think this might be a good thing. I sobered up in the middle of the alcoholism treatment boom. At the tail end of that, it seemed like everyone was writing a book and you could go to one of our local bookstores and see a wall of recovery literature. I'm sure some of it helped some people but it also may have ruined a good many AA meetings as folks shared some experience and opinions that are not consistent with AA's principles and program of recovery.
2. Much of what is there is not only, at face value, probably confusing to an alcoholic (I'm not a "drug is a drug" kinda person), but, again, at face value, probably can support the sickness more than recovery.
3. I don't think you can get what I've experienced in AA in a book. Several of the books reinforce this by suggestions like: "go to meetings" or, my favorite, "start a meeting". You can use a book to start a meeting with other people who've read that book and, well, I guess that's sort of how AA grew... But I just have visions that many of us who could join on a path are never going to meet.
   
4. In this section, AA has pretty good support but everyone has their way of "improving" it. I guess you have to do that if you're going to get someone to buy your book.
5. Surprisingly, they did have our Daily Reflections. That was the only AAWS literature that was there.
   
6. They didn't have the book that I went after (even though their computer promised me it was there...).

So, this morning I ordered it online. In order to get free shipping, I also ordered another book that I may discard at some point in the future...

I wonder about AAWS books beyond the Big Book. I've heard from a past General Service Board trustee that we've got several (5-6?) books that have been completed and then placed on the shelf since there is perceived needless controversy over publication or that they didn't seem to meet the purpose for what they were published for. In another case, there was a dispute with the author over rights that could not be resolved.

In spite of the respect and regard I have for our Big Book (very high), I wonder if we (as AA) can or will ever be able to publish another book. Or even if we should...

Just random musings on a gorgeous Friday morning...

Philip 6 ...

I marvel at how AA is with our newcomers.

Some people just show up and the room swarms to them and embraces them. Others, AA people are more tentative and aloof. Myself, when I showed up in my 3-piece suit and money hanging out of my pockets was pretty much left alone until people could notice if I was going to land anywhere soon or if I was always going to be "better than" until I just died. For the most part, people still leave me to myself 25 years later, but that's a different story...

I marvel at Philip and peoples reaction to him.

In the 3 months since he was delivered to me as a new newcomer (btw - when you search Google images for newcomer, you find that there are lots of people named Newcomer - imagine! All the gravestones for Newcomer bring interesting ideas in AA...), he's been seduced twice, picked up as a "project" a few times by well meaning men and women, gotten job offers (bogus and real) - i.e. he can't seem to show up in AA and just be left alone. This is good. But, it's interesting watching the over-all impact with him.

As the aftermath of his latest relapse of ~10 days ago subsides, he's found new willingness and I think ready to set aside some of the drama of life in early sobriety and start into working the AA program of recovery.

As I've written before, I've struggled trying to figure out how to be helpful with him. I've not done with him what I've done with new sponsees for the past 20 years - start at the beginning of the Big Book and go through it, line by line. Partly because of the peculiar nature of his situation (on a tight leash at the recovery center with lots of time on his hands and unavailable to regular meetings with me) and more because of changing perspectives I've had in my life and AA program.

But now, I think we're going to start at page 0 - you know, the blank cover leaf to the book that has nothing on it - which is all you know about alcoholism and living as an alcoholic when you start into this process...

...and then, we'll just see what happens...

Four months until Christmas...

I find myself mourning the end of summer and wondering where my life is going.

Since I've yielded to this whole "spirit led life" perspective, I've been off-balance and unwilling to admit how much I'm bothered by this apparent lack of control in my life.

Yet, in many ways - indeed - in most ways, my life is infinitely better than anything I would have designed or planned.

I am very much a slave, a "victim of the delusion that (I) can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if (I) only manage well?" (BB p. 61) I wish I were different, but it's the way I know. It's never worked. It will never work. But, I feel that my happiness and satisfaction will come at my own hand or not at all.

I thank God today that I can see this for what it is - my threadbare character defects wheezing back into life around the places that my fears welcome them.

The truth is that time will march on in accordance with it's usual order. The circumstances in my life will not be any more certain at Xmas than they will be later today. My world, as I view it, can change in an instant or muddle along for decades. I don't get to chose what that will all look like.

...and, that, today, is the good news...

The road...

We took a trip to Delta on Friday, then through Ouray and over Red Mountain Pass to Durango (some of my favorite scenes on the planet - the picture is not mine as we didn't take the time to get one of our own this trip but the vista is from Red Mountain Pass on the way out of town) on Saturday morning, back home Saturday night and then had our last meeting before the CO State Convention on Sunday.

It was an AA-filled weekend - talking with sponsees along the way, always aware of "what's next" and precious fellowship and AA service opportunities along the way.

I've whined in this blog in the past about being over committed and having too full a life. This weekend, knowing that I was going to probably feel that way again, I decided to just surrender and look for where I could be of service in each step of the way.

I didn't succeed 100% of the time (I usually don't).

But, in general, by putting one foot in front of the other and trying to have a positive, useful attitude, I got to see some of the prettiest country on the planet, was able to be useful to a drunk or 2 and, staid sober and healthy.

That's just good enough...

U.N.C.L.E.

Something on Scott W.'s blog from several months ago sent me back to a time in my life that I may not have thought about since my 2nd or 3rd time doing a 4th step - over 20 years ago...

When I was a kid in Junior High school (now THAT was over 45 years ago), I'd been watching Man from U.N.C.L.E. for a number of years and was just so incredibly taken by the coolness of the characters and the whole way they could be anonymous heroes in the world that I created a whole fantasy world wherein (of course) I was a (the?) key agent in a secret, powerful, international organization.

While the whole of my sleepy, small town in Colorado went about it's business, I would be picked up by silent jets in the middle of the night to go off to lead this exciting life of dangerous missions and important espionage. It was a great fantasy that crossed over into real life when I told my best friend some things about my "true" identity. I can almost still see the unbelief in his face as I tried to convince him what I was really about.

Looking back on it rationally now, I was about 2+ years younger than my classmates. They'd probably had and grown out of this stuff earlier. Anyway, we made a half-hearted attempt at doing some "missions" (usual stuff involving cherry bombs and home made bombs and churches and schools at night - I would probably have been quickly found and expelled today...) but at some level I still believed in my own fantasy until it just sort of passed. (Girls? Drinking?)

...until I was working on that 4th step...

I can remember feeling so embarrassed for myself that I thought I could die. I was such a nerdy dweeb. I mean, we're talking world class nerdy dweeb.

A few years ago, my step-daughter fell in love with the movie Napoleon Dynamite. She's watched it a number of times when I've been around - she particularly wanted her son (our g'son) to watch it when he went to high school. I've tried to watch it several times and must leave the room. It's just too painful. I even think I looked (gawd - look!) like him.

Anyway, it's one of the great things about growing older in sobriety (or older any way...). I've gotten over this stuff. All that embarrassment I felt for who I was (O.K. - the UNCLE fantasy was just the beginning of a weird life) is past. I've made amends. It just doesn't matter any more. I was a dweeb. Sometimes I'm still a dweeb. But, I have found the beauty of God in many people where I would not expect it.

I'm confident it must be in me as well.

Napoleon Solo, Illya Kuryakin and, Angelique rule...

Vote for Pedro.

Politics...

I met with a sponsee this morning. He prepared me Monday by saying he had a major "political" question that we'd need to deal with this morning. While they're not necessarily my favorite conversations to have, I have been in service for most of my 25 years so it does come up and we get through it...

It turns out that our Intergroup has published a set of night watch procedures which he took great exception to some of what was stated and directions that were given. Night watch is when our central office closes at night and the phones are turned over to a member of the program's phone and they can then answer calls to our Central Office (like, instead of the answering service). I agreed with him. I think we could be killing people by following those directions exactly.

So, braced by the context his first question was "Is Intergroup part of AA?". At this point I felt like I could have been channeling Mr. SponsorPants - but it was just my experience.

In my opinion, any effort of one alcoholic helping another alcoholic with experience, strength and hope in the AA program of recovery is AA. So, yes, unreservedly, Intergroup is of and part of AA. What is also true is that Intergroup is not part of AA's General Service Structure. As a result, it has it's own processes whereby it works in accordance with AA's traditions to be an extension of the groups it serves. These processes vary across different Intergroups, but our Intergroup does have a process for accountability.

The next question was "Does Intergroup abide by AA's traditions and principles?" My answer was that I expected my Intergroup would and, if it didn't, I bore some personal responsibility in seeing that it does.

So, we agreed on a 3-fold plan of dealing directly with the problem we identified.

1. As of now, we would not follow the specific advice offered in the night watch process and would recommend others taking night watch similarly ignore these parts of the process.
2. We would each talk to our Intergroup representatives and other members of Intergroup to see if we could open a discussion at Intergroup to improve the documented process - keeping much that is good in the guidelines and modifying those things that don't work in our opinion. Given that my sponsee didn't know for sure if his group even had an Intergroup representative, I thought that might be a great piece of the conversation for him and his group as well.
   
3. Intergroup, as a whole, could then either take some suggestions and make changes or not.

We agreed that, in the unlikely event Intergroup elected to not take input into these guidelines, we would elect to not do night watch shifts - given that we could not accept the processes that the group conscience supported went against what we thought appropriate for a 12 step call. Also, at that time, we would need to evaluate our participation (time and financial) with Intergroup.

Seemed simple enough after all...

Tuesday 5th...

I started off my morning this morning with a work out, then a sponsee of nearly 15 years (how time flies...) did a 5th step. What a way to get rocketed out of oneself and into a spirit led life.

My life today amazes me. Not the fact of some of these things that are happening to me, but the choices I make and the general path of my life.

For example, instead of "working to fix my financial problems" (my wife's words), I spend 2-3 hours in the most intimate sharing I've ever had with other men and then blog about it. Seems sort of like, insane.

But, it was what I was supposed to do so we did it...

The whole thing of a 5th step in AA astounds me. I marvel how probably doctors or clergy or psychiatrists or even lawyers probably hear the sort of things I've heard in 5th steps. They're educated, skilled and, have a definite purpose and are effective at helping people.

My only credential is that I drank myself to the edge of oblivion, ruined my and several others' lives and, found (through grace) a spiritual solution to a problem of a physical, mental and, spiritual nature. I don't even get to pick the spiritual solution that will work for them in that I've sponsored Christians (several brands), Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, atheists and every variation in between. In all my times through the steps, I've only found one person on roughly the same path I've followed.

Yet, using our steps and practicing our principles, many have found a solution sufficient to their malady.

Amazing...