Philip 5...

Philip called this morning. He got drunk over the weekend. He presumed I knew about it (funny how we're like that...).

I wish I could have been more surprised. When I got back into town yesterday, I was to call him and we were going to get together but he didn't answer 2-3 calls I'd made and, well, I know how we are.

I so very much wish I could pick who gets this deal and who doesn't. For one, I would only pick the ones who get it to really care about (or at least try). For another, we could both just wait until they're done and then start in earnest. Finally, it seems like it's so cruel to just keep building hopes (theirs and mine) to let them fall.

But, it doesn't work that way.

I've had my share (I'm sure - at least I don't want any more!!!) of slippers through my time in AA. I've had some chronic slippers that have been on and off the sauce for years. Recently (the past ~7-8 years), I've been blessed mostly with folks who are pretty well established or at least fall off with a bang after multiple years and then rebuild with a vengeance and commitment that's easily identified as desperation in action.

But, Philip continues to struggle. He has a probation office meeting this afternoon and, given that he might be violated, he might have just forfeited his choices about what the next period of his life will look like. The fact that I've not heard from him yet might augur some bad news for him on that front.

On the other hand, I've been around this deal long enough to know that jail time can also be a good thing for one's recovery. Sometimes. God is pretty big, you know...

...but, I'm still selfish enough that I just wish it didn't hurt me so much too...

Please, say a prayer...