Friday, July 10, 2009

4 Horsmen...

This morning, I woke up (more like "came to") in a distantly familiar place. I could feel the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse bearing down on me in my early consciousness and, I've got to tell you, I don't like it any more now than I did 25 years ago when it was an every morning ordeal.

Terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair - yep, that pretty much sums it up...

What happened, you might ask? I'm certainly asking that...

Best I can figure, whatever I've been doing and not doing to maintain conscious contact with a power greater than me sufficient to recover from alcoholism has not been enough.

...or, maybe it has...

One of the things I like least about this path that I'm on is that I don't get to choose my moods or my reactions to the circumstances in my life the way I think I should. For example, I could say that the fear that drives some of that darkness is evidence of a lack of faith, so all I need to do is increase my faith. I could say that the selfishness that ranges wild over my perspectives when I'm in this mood is evidence of a need for more gratitude and service so I could write gratitude lists and accept yet another service commitment.

Except that, I am generally grateful, I have a life full of service commitments and I believe that, unless God gives me the power that I need, I am totally screwed.

So, why the visit of my 4 familiar nemeses this morning?

The last time I went through this for some length of time and I talked about it some with some close friends in AA, they diagnosed it as a Prozac deficiency and strongly suggested that I seek a prescription to "fix" these moods. I am all for Prozac and psych medications and I know dozens of folks in the AA program who's lives and spiritual paths have been greatly improved by appropriate medications. But, after long discussions with my AA sponsor and much prayer, I decided to wait a little longer before seeking that kind of help.

And, over time, it got better...

So, that's the best that I can hope for today - according to my past experience, this too shall pass. I'd like it to pass because the reasons either in me or in the circumstances of my life were improved so as to eliminate all possible cause of the fuel for those moods. I think and believe that time will come - but perhaps not before this mortal body ceases functioning on this earth.

It's already passed some this morning - I'm sensing the relief. I could not possibly have written this article at 6:30 this morning.

Thank God for progress...

4 comments:

Steve E. said...

How about just shut your eyes, relax muscles one-by-one, wipe your mind off just a bit, and know--and KNOW, that He is God--not me.

...and just let it all happen!

Mary Christine said...

This too shall pass...

Carol said...

I've felt a little roughed up this week also. I have a theory that it goes along with continued recovery. New awarenesses are sometimes still under the surface causing me discomfort and I can't really pin down the 'why' of it.

The other thing I noticed was that the same day that I felt really cranked up for no reason was the day that my sister had written an e-mail asking me to take my mother for 2 weeks. I believe that thoughts can travel and affect us. I think that you were talking about financial struggles, what if someone was shuffling your paperwork this morning and you sensed the vibes? (OOOH, your word verification spells out 'trapp')

Syd said...

Some days I just feel out of sorts. I work my way through it. If I don't give way to the fear, I'm okay. But once it gets rooted in my brain, then I go down a slippery slope fast. Hang in there.