More Mike...

I got a call from Mike's sister last Thursday.

Mike had called me on Monday and asked my opinion about 2 different detoxes. I told him I had no recent direct experience with either place - he could flip a coin.

I asked after his welfare and he said he'd been basically just struggling to the liquor store every day or 2 but, apart from that, hadn't been out of the house for about 3 weeks. He had someone who was willing to drive him to detox (but nowhere else). I wished him well and went on about the rest of my day.

The previous few weeks, he'd stopped taking my calls but I would text him when I would think of him and he'd text back something to the effect of "I'm ok but still not sober". Last March, I had hauled him home and had him spend a week with us (it was the right thing to do then...) to detox him but, the whole time he was at my house, he was using drugs...

So, I was very grateful when his sister charged his cell phone and texted me on Thursday - asking me to call. I did and she said he'd checked himself into the hospital on Monday. Seems to have been God's will in that they immediately put him into a "drug induced coma" (her words - I have no experience or opinion) and that they'd been trying to bring him out but he would get violent and dangerous when they tried to detox him. I can only imagine.

I heard from her again on Sunday that they were planning to put him into the regular ward but when I called her yesterday (via Mike's phone), the latest was that he was still in ICU as a consequence of other medical complications. According to her, they are bending the ICU rules to allow him some visitors so I plan to drop by this afternoon. She has warned me that it's not a pretty sight. I can imagine...

Mike is one of those folks who everybody assumes is just going to get this deal and stay with us for the duration. He has good looks (or did - age and dissipation take their toll) and a winning, puppy-dog personality. He was a few weeks away from having a knee replacement surgery that will improve his quality of life. The only thing he had to do to be able to qualify for this surgery was to stay clean and sober for 6 months. (Someone in medicine finally figured out that joint replacements don't work as well on drunks who stay drunk.)

Yet, he drank. He burned it all down, again...

I love our Big Book where, on page 20, it talks about how others can't understand us:

..."He could stop if he wanted to." "She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake." "The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again."...

That's Mike if I've ever seen one...

Yet, I'm always surprised at how we react inside AA when one of us does what we do. We have all the same propensity with comments like: "...well, he just wasn't working his program..." or maybe "...he just couldn't follow direction..."

Well, maybe it's none of those judgments that would make me more comfortable. Maybe he, like I, just drank because he was an alcoholic? Maybe?

I get that the only difference between Mike and me today (or any day) is God's grace. I'm a big fan of grace. It's the only thing that I've found that can explain both my precious sobriety and Mike's inability to "get" this deal.

And, increasingly, I realize there's no percentage or purpose in trying to figure out why I got something that Mike clearly needs and deserves every bit as much as I do.

Instead , the only reasonable response that I can see for me today is gratitude. For my sobriety.

...and, for Mike...

It's the only basis for hope that I have for either one of us...

Bummer...

I got a call from Mike on the way home on Sunday. Turns out, he copped to being drunk for much of the previous few days (weeks?). I had expected it - in fact, I'd just said as much to someone in the car not 10 minutes before his call.

I hate it when my guys go out. Over the years, it's happened way more than I've wanted it to. I don't know how many exactly - it's not a statistic that I'm willing or able to look at right now.

All I know is that every time it happens, I really want to fire them all and move on to something like painting water color or arranging flowers or, well, anything other than sponsorship.

I'm real clear with everyone - especially those that ask me to sponsor them - that the only thing that I've got for qualifications on this job are:

1. I drank myself to the brink of insanity and death
2. I haven't had a drink for 25+ years

It really seems like they'd demand better qualifications before someone helps them out...

Anyway, it's been gnawing on me today so I thought I'd unload it here.

Mike is a classic "he did everything right case". He's got service positions. A home group. Has worked the steps up through is first few amends.

...except: He's got "issues other than alcohol" (as diagnosed by a doctor and psychiatrist). He has to take medications for mental health stuff. He has a rich, crazy, powerful family. He has siblings he can be "better than" and "less than". He's got to deal with pain medications for past injuries. I don't know why I get some of these "hopeless" cases but it seems like I get more than my share.

He's still texting and calling on the the phone occasionally so I know that he's safe - for now. Philip has been struggling getting a time to meet with me so I gave him Mike's 6am Thursday slot. I fear that will break Mike's heart (he's had that slot for ~3 years even though he's shown up < 1/2 the time through some periods).

...and, I get to stay sober today...

yipee

Going slow...

The body and mind are amazing.  It looks like Mike is going to live and recover.

Thank you God...

He has come from a mumbling mass of confusion last week back to where he's walking around the halls and trying to fight his way back to enough health to get out of the hospital.

As I was talking to him on the phone yesterday, I had my first moment of clarity as to how I might help him.  He was explaining in his confused ramble (he's never been the gifted communicator he might fancy that he is, but the drug-addled consciousness doesn't help) about the nuance of working his 10th step with a friend in Alanon and how he's fixing this and changing that, it was clear to me that this is a person who's not really surrendered.  A week ago I visited him in ICU and he couldn't string two sentences together that anyone else could recognize as coherent.  Now he was looking for the bank shot of how he could "fix" his spiritual needs by ...  well, I guess it just doesn't matter what he was thinking - he was simply thinking too much.

So, that's my clarity for how to be of assistance to him.  My suggestion (it's just that) is that we talk long and hard about surrender.  About being really licked.  About being done.  For a long time.  A really long time.  Perhaps for the duration.

Bill W. talks in the movie "Bill Wilson Discusses the 12 Traditions" about how, in the course of developing the wording for AA's 5th Tradition, there were long and argumentative discussions.  Clearly, our real purpose is to lead folks toward a spiritual awakening sufficient to recover from alcoholism.  That's the deal.

But, the only thing that seemed to consistently work with those groups and members who were successful is that they'd learned their lesson from John Barleycorn.  If booze hasn't taught you all the lessons you need, you may not be ready for the solution we have to offer. 

I think that might be a clue with Mike.


Best I've got for now...

Doing the deal...

Mike and I had an uncomfortable conversation this morning.  Our common observation is that he's on his way out the door toward drinking one more time because, even though he's living in a halfway house, facing dire consequences and in health, likely still to wind up on the street in the winter - he is not showing up where he says he'll be when he says he'll be there.  In other words, he's just "not doing the deal."  As best I can figure, we're both pretty much honest with our assessments.

I hate it when I get to this place with a sponsee.  In fact, it seems like he's beyond what I can offer (aren't they all?).  I've watched him go from a one-year sober mid-level sales executive three years ago to nearly five years to death's door drunk and bouncing in and out of the rooms for the past several months until his life was thoroughly burned down.  He is now living in a halfway house where's he's racked up a little over a month of sobriety. You might be able to tell that I'm reluctant to add his name to my sponsorship resume today.

I was ruminating on our conversation when I read the following excerpt from a crime novel, The Girl of His Dreams, By Donna Leon.  Four people (two detectives and their respective wives) working on a casual investigation have just attended a meeting of what they presume is a charlatan Christian leader's flock where he very charismatically expressed encouragement of a small group toward "goodness" - it starts with the main character's wife expressing her opinion about the presumed fake:

'... Nothing he said was in any way exceptional just the same sort of pious platitudes you get in the editorials in Famiglia Cristiana,' Paola went on, leaving Brunetti to wonder how on earth she could be familiar with them. 'But it's certainly the sort of thing people like to hear,' she concluded.
'Why?' Vianello asked, then waved to the barman, passing his hand over the four glasses.
'Because they don't have to do anything' Paola answered. 'All they have to do is feel the right things, and that makes them believe they deserve credit for having done something.' Her voice deepened into disgust and she added, 'It's all so terribly American.'
'Why American?' Nadia asked, reaching for one of the fresh glasses the barman set on the counter.
'Because they think it's enough to feel things: they've come to believe it's more important than doing things, or it's the same thing or, at any rate, deserves just as much credit as actually doing something. What is it that poseur of a president of theirs was always saying, "I feel your pain"? As if that made any difference to anything. God, it's enough to choke a pig.' Paola picked up her glass and took a hefty slug.
'All you've got to do is have the proper feelings,' she went on, 'the fashionable sentiments, and make a business about how delicate your sensibility is. And then you don't actually have to do anything. All you do is stand there with your precious sentiments hanging out while the world falls over itself applauding you for them and giving you credit for having the same feelings that any sentient being would have.' Brunetti had seldom seen Paola respond so savagely. 'My, my, my,' he observed and took a sip of his prosecco.
Her head whipped towards him, her eyes startled. But then he watched her play her remarks back and take another hefty swig before saying, 'It was exposure to all that goodness, I think. It goes right to my head and provokes the worst parts of my character.'
They all laughed and the conversation became general. 'I'm always nervous when people don't use concrete nouns when they speak,' Nadia said.

This struck me profoundly.  An American author reflecting on the image American's might (probably?) have in a casual Italian conversation.  Truth known, I think it's not a completely American phenomena but I can't tell you how fed up I am with our culture where, as Ms. Leon opined, feeling a sentiment is tantamount to actually doing something appropriate in response to an event or circumstance (a disaster, an injustice, etc.).  It is a great understanding of what I see in political and religious circles, family and, dare I say, many AA meetings I go to.

I think I can even let go of the cynicism and skepticism I hold at some meetings and better understand the distinction  I hear between expressions of the "problem" and the "solution" in AA gatherings.

In  our AA program of action, we recover by "doing" things, not by "feeling" things.

I think that might be a part of Mike's deal.  We're both watching as he caries his feelings from place to place.  I've worked with him to focus on looking for opportunities to be useful and contribute - that seems to have been useful (for ~40 days so far).  However, he can't show up (home group, meet with me, etc.) because suddenly he doesn't feel like it.  And, the fact the he feels bad about not showing up somehow excuses the behavior.

Wow.