Philip 5...

Philip called this morning. He got drunk over the weekend. He presumed I knew about it (funny how we're like that...).

I wish I could have been more surprised. When I got back into town yesterday, I was to call him and we were going to get together but he didn't answer 2-3 calls I'd made and, well, I know how we are.

I so very much wish I could pick who gets this deal and who doesn't. For one, I would only pick the ones who get it to really care about (or at least try). For another, we could both just wait until they're done and then start in earnest. Finally, it seems like it's so cruel to just keep building hopes (theirs and mine) to let them fall.

But, it doesn't work that way.

I've had my share (I'm sure - at least I don't want any more!!!) of slippers through my time in AA. I've had some chronic slippers that have been on and off the sauce for years. Recently (the past ~7-8 years), I've been blessed mostly with folks who are pretty well established or at least fall off with a bang after multiple years and then rebuild with a vengeance and commitment that's easily identified as desperation in action.

But, Philip continues to struggle. He has a probation office meeting this afternoon and, given that he might be violated, he might have just forfeited his choices about what the next period of his life will look like. The fact that I've not heard from him yet might augur some bad news for him on that front.

On the other hand, I've been around this deal long enough to know that jail time can also be a good thing for one's recovery. Sometimes. God is pretty big, you know...

...but, I'm still selfish enough that I just wish it didn't hurt me so much too...

Please, say a prayer...

Mountain test...

Last summer I built the deck for this place. This summer I get to sit out and see if the bogger mms link I set up will publish a blog article with a picture.

Life is like that sometimes.

Learning...

I met with a sponsee this morning. (I do most mornings...)

He has a sponsee that had been chronically depressed for several months (pretty much since he got married, though that seems to not really be the problem). He has been to doctors and seems to be doing everything "right". My sponsee (the one trying to help) just came out of a several months long depression - in the middle of which he came into my fold. His depression was finally alleviated when he adjusted when he took some of his medications, by dropping caffeine, and starting into a new 4th step.

As we commiserated about how difficult it is to help us when we're in the grips of depression, I was reminded of one of my favorite Zen sayings:

"Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water."

There's just something compelling and right in this.

My whole life, I've expected "it will be better when...."

This is an old idea, a lie that has been slow to die and remains deadly to me yet today. I presume my moods have something to do with whether I'm on the path that I'm supposed to be on and, guess what, I make all sorts of interesting decisions and suffer the consequences .

I'm increasingly convinced that the whole thing around depression, from a spiritual side (there's a medical side of which I'm not qualified to express any opinion), is surrender. Seems it's always something that I'm unwilling or unable to give up. In many (most?) cases, I can only do this with God's help.

I hope that he can eventually have some relief.

Back again...

OK - so I guess I'm 4 for 4 in terms of intending to keep doing blog articles while I'm out of town on vacation or at a conference and finding myself not doing it. I don't think I really need to understand it or make excuses for it. I think I really need to just accept that I can only really "be" in one place at a time and just allow that I may not be blogging regularly when I am otherwise out of my normal haunts.

Lesson learned...

I really enjoy continuing to read and comment on blogs while I'm away.

It (reading blogs) seems to have solved a problem I've had for years when I can't seem to get to meetings when there are other, like-minded, folks I can share a cuppa with after a meeting can do the fellowship I crave. Even when I can get to an out-of-town meeting and, in the rare occasion when we're truly included and welcomed, they're not like we are in my home AA community. Reading and commenting on blogs regularly seems to fill some of that need.

So, I'm at odds about wanting to blog on many things this day. I think I'll try hitting the high points - some of which might turn into articles (or not) later on:

• I love the whole Puget Sound area - we made it to a few islands this trip and I think it's the one place beyond Colorado and Hawaii where I could make a home - there is that weather thing up there but I might be willing to try it someday...
• I love to fly in the window seat - still, after all these years and miles. While I've never been a true "road warrior", in one of my former lives I traveled >20K miles a year for several years. As much as I wanted to feign just being another jaded aisle-seat traveler, I still can just stare out the window for hours at 30k+ feet.
• I especially love to fly west from Denver. I'm just amazed at the landscape - the folds and tucks of the mountains and the plains. After 100's of hours observing the terrain, I still often get lost and am surprised what route I've been on.
• One of my favorite scenes is Mt. Rainier popping up through the clouds.
• I get that, as much as I love our kids and g'kids, they will get to make up their own lives and learn from their own mistakes. I'll get to love them the whole way.
• My life and the principles I live by are somewhat unique in the world today.
• I am being offered a chance to (possibly) contribute to the future of AA in a way that is exciting and scary. I wonder how much prayer this deserves...
• I am feeling "off-balance" in my life. This has been going on for months and might just be how this part of my life is going to feel. I'm accountable to my sponsor and it's generally good stuff (I try not to judge) but it just feels like my legs aren't under me.
• I should be working on filing our taxes instead of writing this. It's one of my least favorite things but, guess what?
  
• I hate how, when you open a bullet list, it just seems like it will never end...

I think this life is better than any alternative I can come up with today...

Seattle serenity...

We got to Seattle last Thursday and, apart from being our anniversary, we were in the firestorm of a relationship breakup with the parents of our youngest grandaughter.

Firestorm is way much of an overstatement - they are in the politely moving to set up separate households stage (a stage I never got to in any of my divorces so it's sort of unfamiliar). It's such an amazing thing to get to be useful buying spice racks, hanging pictures, putting away new pots and pans, organizing groceries, and being positive and up beat when you know someone feels like their life is burning down around them...

Apart from that big piece of drama, it's been a wonderful visit. I only get to see the g'girls (we have 8 g'kids - 4 g'boys in the Denver area, 4 g'girls in Seattle - must be the water...) once or twice a year so it's great to hang with them and love on them if only for a little while. We know our roles well: sugar 'em up, caffeinate them, spoil 'em thoroughly, then leave. We do it pretty well.

Yesterday we spent a perfect afternoon on Lake Washington and Lake Union. Today we will sight-see in some of my favorite places on the planet. Tomorrow we pack up, say farewells and then we're home again Wednesday night.

When I think of the tornado I was in my family 30 years ago, I'm truly blessed to have this chance.

It's a pretty sweet life...

Marriage...

This picture is of my wife and I on our wedding day, 20 years ago today. Well, not really... I don't think we even used them on our cake...

I stand amazed that I've been married to this woman for 20 years. We are in Seattle visiting g'kids for a week so it's truly perfect. We toyed with the idea of doing something special for this day but realized that 20 didn't seem to be a real milestone so we're just taking the day in passing and being in a part of the world we really love with people we really love. Sometime, we will really have a bigger celebration. Between us, we've been married to somebody for over 28 years (how would you count it?) so we really think it's about time to celebrate some year..

Her name is the same as my last wife so I just refer to her as the incumbent. In the spirit of this blog, we'll just call her "J".

J does not read this blog so I think it would be a great time for me to give my best shot at marriage advice - how you can become and stay married for 20 years. If you see this article disappear, you'll know that she found me on the web ;-)

1. Meet as "boy meets girl on AA campus" - it helps if you're less sober than her and you hook up with only 9 months so you can remind her and her sponsees that she 13th stepped you...
2. Date/hang out for ~3 years and then decide to buy a house together
3. Learn that the whole purpose of children in these years is to attempt to drive you appart
   
4. Live together for a few years
   
5. Turn to Al-Anon to save your life (and perhaps J's as well)
6. Then, decide to get married when "...you can't think of any real reason not to..."
   
7. When J can't stop crying for 9 months after your marriage, decide to not take it personally
8. Get a really good sponsor
9. Talk to that sponsor a lot
10. Learn to really depend on a sponsor and a higher power with sufficient power to save both your life and your life with/or without a relationship
    
11. Learn that, not only are you always wrong, she is always right
12. Practice the principle of #11 in all your affairs
13. Notice that the same principles that work in AA can work in your marriage and your family
    
14. Never "work on your marriage" (that was the only time we nearly lost it)
15. Get closer to your sponsor
16. Accept almost every AA service opportunity offered
17. If no one offers an AA service opportunity, create one
18. Create your own home group
19. Realize that god can be in your life, relationship or no relationship, money or no money, etc.
    
20. Build an extended family modeled on your family of choice in AA
21. Be more than a little crazy - your kids expect it and your g'kids need it
    

That seems like enough for now...

What a wonderful life this has been...

A sign...

Something happened at the conference a few weeks ago that I've not shared here yet and I'm not ready to share details about yet. The cryptic short form (I will probably flesh out more on this later this month or next) is:

• I have a concern that the organization of AA (e.g. the general service structure), as we know it, will probably either disappear or become harmful to the principles of AA in a few (less than 10) years
• I am concerned that AA fellowship and meetings are changing - not necessarily for the better
  
• Several people who share this concern, and want to do something about it, seem to have accumulated in my life

These feelings/observations seemed to come to a head for me at the conference last week where I met a past servant who had spent a lot more time thinking about what was wrong and how we might "fix" it. He suggested I read a book he'd been looking at in terms of how to articulate what might need to be done and how to do it.

Personally, I'd almost reached a place of neutrality that I get a lot of support for - that the service structure could just disappear and God would continue to allow us to "...create the fellowship (we) crave..." BB p. 164.

...BUT, there did seem to be a lot of coincidence in God placing these people and my knowledge in each of these circles...

So, after this discussion with the past servant a week ago last Saturday, I spent some time (a lot of time actually) in prayer and meditation and I finally had a chance to broach the subject with my sponsor this morning. After we'd fleshed out the context, I asked him to give some prayerful consideration with me as to the exact next steps to take. I really am concerned that I could be as much a part of a problem here instead of being useful in finding solutions.

In wrapping up our conversation, he said, "...by the way, someone I really respect in AA gave me a book to read that might be useful in your reflections... - I've just started it but I have it here with me... " (digs it out his briefcase) "...yes, it's title is ______"

You could have bowled me over with a feather - of course the book was the same one recommended 10 days ago in the discussion with our past servant... Of the millions of books published, what would be the chances...?

I still don't know for sure what I will be doing with this - I really believe it's important and the stakes are high...

But, I think I'll be checking the library for that book...

Memories...

I had breakfast with a sponsee this morning like I have every week for the past ~ 2 years. He's a fascinating study in that he had ~20 years of sobriety (I'd been his sponsor for about 15) and, after coasting for about 10 years, the wheels came off his life (his wife divorced him and everything he thought that was secure turned to mush) and we started this breakfast thing.

We spend a lot of breakfasts talking about living AA principles as a newly single dad. It was sort of surprising to me when today I gushed out a flood of my memories of the first 2-3 years I was in the program (~'84-'85). I really loved when Mary Christine blogged about her first 25 years in the program. I was envious in that, since I didn't keep journals and my life was such a mess, such a project would not be possible for me.

But, out of the blue, my sponsee got to hear a synopsis of my early years.

Some of the high points:

• I was 31 years old and newly sober
  
• I had at least a weekly appointment at the Jefferson county courthouse
• The sheriff wanted to know (and approve) any time I even considered leaving the city
  
• At ~6 months sober, due to the family no longer being viable and the fact that others were being hurt, I filed for divorce
• My wife/ex-wife was insane (really) and pissed and acted out by, for example, posting threats to me on the bulletin board at the AA club where I attended most of my meetings
  
• I wound up with full custody (my ex-wife was only allowed short, supervised visits) of 2 teenage kids who, since they couldn't "act out" against their crazy mother, attacked me and did much of the stuff teenagers do
  
• I was in a job that required 80+ hours a week; lots of concentration and focus
  
• The kids were heavily involved in sports, band, extra-school stuff in 2 different schools several miles away from our home(s) or my work
  
• I was > $50,000 in consumer debt - bill collectors called daily
  
• My daughter decided to go to college in Philadelphia - my portion of that bill was >~$20,000/year
• I got to at least 3 meetings a week - sometimes 3 meetings a day
• After 9 months sober, I was 13th stepped by my now wife (we'll celebrate 20 years of marriage on 8/6) and her kids were doing their best to wreck her and their life and our relationship
• ...

Anyway, the point, I guess, of that reflection was that I had no idea how to get through it back then and, looking back on it now, I have no idea how I got through it now. I don't think I would have won any "style points" and it was 2-3 years after that time that I learned how to actually work our wonderful AA program but, they promised me at meetings that if I took my life a day at a time and actually just put one foot in front of the other, eventually it would pass.

They were right...

Seventh tradition...

Probably the best "pitch man" I've ever heard around AA's Seventh Tradition was our area Treasurer a number of years ago. While, on balance, I think he was probably not our best treasurer (he had a hard time understanding the differences between the "books" of AA and other businesses or enterprises), when he talked about the nature and principles of our Seventh tradition, he seldom talked about money.

To him, this tradition was all about the privilege and opportunity of sacrifice, about truly "belonging" to something and, about choosing to participate.

When I first sobered up, I was counseled in the first few days that I was attending meetings that most people put a dollar in the basket but, if I didn't have a dollar, I could put in 50 cents. If I didn't have 50 cents, I could put in a quarter, a dime, a nickel - but, whatever I felt I could spare, that it would be appreciated and included to help "keep our doors open". They taught me that part of my "right" to be here was that I could participate at whatever level I felt I could afford.

Further, whether I would or chose to contribute financially or not, I could always clean, help with dishes, make coffee or otherwise make myself generally useful at our meeting place.

I look with sadness at my home group's largest meeting with over a 100 people in attendance and the basket often is passed 2 full rows without someone feeling enough ownership to contribute anything. I'm not sad for our meeting, we have a great deal on rent and we always seem to have plenty of money - at least for now. I'm sad for what seems to be a whole lot of our fellowship who don't choose to participate.

I try to think of this in all of my life. For much of my life, I was blessed with a good income where I could always "throw money" rather than show up and participate. Don't get me wrong, my whole family enjoyed the vacations, gifts (sometimes extravagant) and my slight-of-hand where I would always pick up the check for our outings. But, for now, that time is gone.

I've had to learn the same thing those deadbeats (I'm joking...) at my meeting need to learn. That, to participate and belong to something is one of the richest gifts life offers. The greatest joy of my life over the weekend was throwing nickles and dimes into the pool for my grandson to dive and get. No one seems to notice that it's not silver dollars or even quarters any more.

I think "self support" has everything to do with choosing to fully participate and the greater the sacrifice, the greater the blessings. Sometimes not blessings I would have sought out but always way bigger and grander than my little plans and designs.

That's been my experience...

It is...

One of the things about living a while (sober or not - you just notice more if you're sober and go to a lot of meetings) are the various bandwagons that run through our culture. These are often expressed as sayings that come from the business world ("the bottom line is..."), the sports world ("step up to the plate..."), TV ads ("...the beef...") or popular psychology and religion ("*inner child*").

It seems like there the one I've been noticing around here in meetings and in the vernacular (it's even in today's comics!) is the phrase:

"It is what it is..."

The urban dictionary indicates this phrase has been around and popular for a number of years (USA Today named it the the #1 cliche of 2004) but this drunk is not always the quickest on the block. I just really started to get tired of it in the past few weeks...

As I heard a new sponsee sort of go on a riff around "it is what it is" last night, I realized how sometimes we toss a phrase like this out as so much flash powder sprinkled in conversation so that we don't really have to get honest about what's going on in our life and our feelings about it. I called him on it (gently, of course ;-) ) and we got to the selfishness and fear that was underneath those events that were bugging him in early sobriety. He lived through it and might have learned something. At 40 days sober, probably not...

...because, as we all know, it is what it is...

Lovely...