Cherries...

Our cherry blossoms have about all blown off our tree. This is good news for me in that it means that we're entering the season where, most years, I can afford to buy those wonderful, lovely cherries as they are on sale for a few brief weeks.

A few years ago, my favorite ice cream shifted from butter pecan to cherry vanilla. This should not have been a surprise to anyone who knows me as about 20 years ago, I fell in love with all things cherry.

Cherry pie, cherry cobbler, cherry cider, cherry smoothies. I've been known to drive 25+ miles out of my way to get a good cherry smoothie - maybe even a mediocre cherry smoothie in a pinch.

I sort of remember how this all happened for me - I have always enjoyed cherry flavor. Then, I became convinced cherries had some good health benefits for me. Back then (unlike now), cherries were in abundant supply and through their season, you could find them for a buck a pound or less in the local Safeway.

I like cherry vanilla ice cream (eat it by the gallon) every chance I get....

I'm not of the school that talks a lot about "alcoholic behavior" but, my passion for cherries has often been called "alcoholic" by well meaning friends in the program. I don't get stopped for "cherry driving", it's not kept me from showing up at any social events that I can think of, but I admit, sometimes I will obsess a bit over getting a cherry smoothie.

I think I just like cherries - a lot...

The real point of this article is to suggest that when I lump my human-ness in with my disease, I may not be serving either very well. As I understand the disease of alcoholism as explained by the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, there are three components to my disease:

1. something like a physical alergy - when I drink alcohol, there's a phenomenon of craving that develops in me that's different from when a temperate drinker drinks
2. a mental component that the Big Book in one place calls a "peculiar mental twist" (p. 33 - I love that language!) where regardless of the problems my drinking has caused me, will not successfully motivate me to avoid a drink that could be injurious
3. a spiritual malady that has me at odds with my world as God created it
   

Something different happens for me around cherries. Do I act a little crazy around them sometimes? Yep. Do I sometimes create a story about why I can't have all the cherries I want today? Could the need for that story be explained by the character defects I've discovered in working the program of AA? Yep.

But, I don't think my thinking or behavior around cherries is completely explained by my disease.

I think I just really, really, really, really like cherries...

I could quit any time I wanted to... ;-)

....mmmm, cherries....

Amazement...

I find that I can go out my front door on any given morning and either be mired in self or be braced with awe and amazement of God's creation.

Same door, same vista, roughly the same weather - just my head in 2 different spaces.

I am struck by how seldom I truly appreciate this sense of awe (and gratitude?) for the grandeur of all that is in God's creation. I diminish the expression of my life by presuming how I experience life today will be how I will always be - how I will always experience it - that my health will always be about the same, my mental and physical experience of my life will always be available to me, that life will just sort of motor on at the same temperature...

One of the 2 chronic slippers that I sponsor (this one figured out yesterday that he's only been drunk about 6 months of the past 8 years - but, his consequences seem to be getting much much more costly to him) helped me move some heavy stuff yesterday. He needed the money, I needed the help, and it gave us some time in the truck together to work through some of his writing and step work.

As he read some of what he wrote, he was crying, I was crying - it was not a great example of a safe or sober highway moment - but we understood the despair of the disease and how we destroy that what we love as a consequence of what we do in the course of yielding to the disease of alcoholism.

By the end of our day in the mountains together, I was again amazed at the intimacy we share in AA - it's still hard for me to believe that the only qualification I have for this sort of relationship is that I drank myself to the edge of oblivion and then was saved by the grace of God as experienced in the program of AA.

Amazing...

Pilgrim...

My sponsor has a way occasionally of slipping a new word into conversation - yesterday it was "I was thinking about our spirit led life in AA as if I were a pilgrim".

Dictionary.com has pilgrim defined as:

1. a person who journeys, esp. a long distance, to some sacred place as an act of religious devotion: pilgrims to the Holy Land.
2. a traveler or wanderer, esp. in a foreign place.
3. an original settler in a region.
4. (initial capital letter) one of the band of Puritans who founded the colony of Plymouth, Mass., in 1620.
5. a newcomer to a region or place, esp. to the western U.S.

A part of the context of the conversation yesterday was a broad-ranging discussion of the US economy, the disparity between the wealthy and poor, and recent political and cultural changes we've observed that give us some hope.

We talked about our experience of the "spirit led life" in this context and then he said "...I was thinking about our spirit led life in AA as if I were a pilgrim..."

So many of the aha moments I've experienced in sobriety have happened just like that. Suddenly, I see the same components that comprise the drama of my ordinary life in a new and radically different light and it sort of makes sense.

I am a wanderer in this place. A friend of ours used to say (often!) about his AA walk that "...I'm not a human being trying to achieve a spiritual experience, I'm a spiritual being trying to live in a human experience..." The prospect that I'm on a different road, even from some of my fellow travelers in AA, is a good thing. It's a blessing. I get to be the stranger in a strange land.

What a privilege...

Thank you...

Rotation...

I wrote an article yesterday where I was whining (my word) about being publicly and privately betrayed and attacked as a part of my participation in AA service. A couple of folks commented about how rotation is a way to deal with the sort of burnout and questions that I struggle with. Rotation is a great thing and solves many of the problems or resolves some of the questions I raised.

Among the many lessons I've learned as a part of traveling this path is that there's a difference between "rotating out" and "rotating on" in my AA service path. As I've reflected on the current situation I find myself in, it might be instructive that I'd privately told my sponsor and sponsees a year and a half ago that I was done with this phase of General Service and that I was instead going to participate in Intergroup, my home group and sponsorship/workshop activities instead.

Then, I was asked to co-chair a committee and (was it ego?), I said yes. I only know one way to commit to something and so we were off to the races.

Some of the reasons I accepted this opportunity were:

1. I've seen trusted servants who "rotated out" of service who drank and/or died of our disease
2. I felt I had some unique experience to offer the person appointed as chair
3. in consultation with my sponsor, we agreed it was "next" for me
   

As it has developed, this particular committee that I'm participating in has provided an immense growth opportunity in learning how my character defects and attachments are still present and active in my life. As I suggested yesterday, it seems like the crucible of AA service has worked in roughly the same way since the times of Bill and Bob - we seem to attack whoever we put in positions of trust and leadership.

I will be so very glad when this service opportunity is over in September. September will be a big month for me for rotation as not only will this gig be over, but I will rotate off the board for a conference that I've been involved with for 16 years (been on the board for 4 years). It has been good service for me but the board has wanted to take the conference in another direction so it's clear that I'm done there.

Anyway, I thank God for our principle of rotating leadership. I'm grateful that others rotated before me to give me these opportunities to serve and I'm grateful that I only have to survive in these positions for another few short months to be able to move on to something else where I can be useful.

It is still a puzzle to me why some members have gotten so personal in their accusations and challenges to me and why some members are so resistant to anything that disrupts their ways of understanding the world (e.g. fear and uncertainty). I do understand that may be more about their problems and challenges than mine.

But, as comfortable as it is for me to write this blog and share myself with all who participate in this sphere, I also understand why it was necessary for me to sit in that crucible of AA service for a while to grow in the ways I've grown. I think I will be improved as a consequence of that...

Did I just answer my own questions?

Ed

Sailing along...

Most of my life these days I seem to be able to sail along without having much stress or being sucked into the drama that seems always there (if I notice it). It's not a particularly new skill but it's been a real gift recently in that there has personal betrayals and attacks in my AA service life (I wrote some about that the last month or 2). I hate it that this program that I love is populated by some people who seem to just have some issues with me that they need to work out in public. Oh well...

I've spent some time in the past few months looking into AA history and realize this is nothing new. As loved and venerated as Bill Wilson was in our fellowship, in his own time he was demonized, castigated, sued and publicly chastised and accused of all manner of bad doings and nefarious motives.

A few things (questions, really) come to mind:

1. Do we always treat our leaders this way in AA? ...in other organizations?
2. Are my directions wholly pure and untainted plans and motives? (no, but...)
   
3. Why would anyone ever want to be a leader? Why do I volunteer to be a leader?
   
4. What is it in me that tolerates this from those that I profess to love?
5. Why don't I just quit?
6. How can I be effective if the proposals I make are attacked in the process of attacking me?
7. How can I not take it personally when people accuse me of not telling the truth, of obfuscating the truth, or promoting personal agendas over the good of AA?

For now, I just am drifting along and trying to contribute where I can. I think I do it because I love AA and I think what I'm standing for is the next right thing to do.

Frankly, I do it because I think I'm being of service to AA and the drunk that needs AA's hand to be there and I believe my life depends on that.

I expect, however, more will be revealed...

Ed

Liberty...

(In the course of writing this, it occurred to me that some readers may not be familiar with AA's 6 Warranties. These Warranties, sometimes referred to as AA's "Bill of Rights" are contained in Concept 12 - Warranty 3 states: "that it (the General Service Conference of AA) place none of its members in a position of unqualified authority over others)

At a workshop the other day, someone mentioned the principle of "liberty" as being aligned with our 3rd warranty. This sort of surprised me - I don't think of terms like "liberty" or "democracy" as a part of AA (even though the founders certainly did...) so it came as a bit of a mind cramp for me.

I think I take the liberties offered in our program for granted - one of the many things that has come for me with longer term sobriety is I forget how comfortable those early meetings were for me. It had been a long time since I'd had someone really listen to what I'd said and understand me. Not my many problems or my drinking history or the consequences I was facing for living the life of the active alcoholic. They seemed to have "read my mail" and had way more understanding than I would have thought possible about how I ran my life and the pain that came as a consequence.

This understanding affected me at my very core.

Of course, that's not exactly the liberty expressed in warranty 3 - it expresses that there be no "dictators" in AA - that there should be no unqualified authority. This comes along with the "right of participation" that is expressed in another of the 12 Concepts.

What does that have to do with my sobriety today?

The way this outfit is set up, no one can tell me they're right and I'm wrong. I can't do that to others as well. As generous and patient as those folks were with me in early sobriety - listening to my aches and pains and problems and offering their experience and the suggestions - I can offer the same generosity to let folks run amok until their done or what they do is no longer my affair. As much as I'd love to tell them to "shut up and get with the program", what I get to do instead is offer my experience, if they want it. If no-one wants my experience (has not happened yet), I can bring it here and offer it to the blogosphere.

The promise of our Big Book and our program is that I can be useful somewhere today. That's true freedom.

Times square or my home group...

One of the many things I love about Times Square is that it allows me - even encourages me - to be an observer. Once you sort of get past the vendors hassling you for their tours, their tickets or their services (they didn't even seem to see me after a while), you can be alone amongst thousands of folks who are in the process of "being there".

For me, this has been both the good news and the problem of recovery.  One of my favorite places to isolate is in the middle of a crowd.  I prefer to lurk at the back of the room and watch what everyone else is doing.  On a good day, that affords me to see the pain of a newcomer and offer a friendly hand or a cup of coffee.  On a day when I'm not so well, it makes me feel alone and afraid in my own home group where dozens of people would do anything short of drink to help me.


While I would love to be a person about service at all times (I believe my life depends on it), my character defects and old ideas run deep. At any given moment, I am 2 thoughts from despair, self pity, and depression.

Still, it feels really good to observe; to offer a smile when someones eyes meet mine; to make an effort to be out of the way of traffic; and to be genuinely kind to strangers.

I have several things I've learned from this past week (so far) that I think I am ready to share:

• I am not completely healed of alcoholism yet (though I had no strong desire to drink in NYC!!!)
  
• the program of AA works for me - wherever I happen to be
• the organization of AA, as we know it, may cease to exist in my lifetime
• if the organization of AA does cease, it will be because AA members and groups never took the responsibility Bill and Bob offered us in out 12 Concepts and 12 Traditions
  
• as long as God has a purpose for anything, it will continue to exist - against impossible odds, it will still survive (this includes the organization of AA)
  
• as Bill suggested 50 years ago, it works better if "Special Meetings" don't call themselves AA meetings
• AA members should make up their minds about our primary purpose and either live in accordance with it or create a program that meets their needs
  
• I am one person on a very large planet populated with a lot of persons - sicker than some, with something to offer to others
  
• there is beauty in all of creation - some of man's most creative efforts deserve similar respect and regard as the awe I feel in the mountains and nature
  
• very little that I regard as "new" is truly new
• there is a staggering amount of material wealth in the world and I will probably never again have much of it
• talent and special gifts should be applauded and supported in all people
• there is still nothing so beautiful as a new baby boy or girl
• some people love me, some dispise me, very few even know or care that I exist
• God is bigger than all of his creation
• the world, as we knew it yesterday, does not exist any more and will never be again...

...seems endless but it's probably time to move on to something else...

I love you all...
Ed

Letting God...

I finished an article on Step 3 last night and have been thinking about the nature of the surrender that I started back then and the experience of my life today.

When it was suggested in our 12th step that we "...practice these principles in all our affairs...", I was sure that my life would be more limited than I could bear. Yet, as I wrote earlier this morning, what has unfolded instead is a peace and serenity that transcends most (all?) of the circumstances that life can throw at me. It seems unfamiliar, still, to be able to show up in my life and accept the opportunities that are provided to be useful as a gift of grace and to be "comfortable" as the opportunities for practicing principles are provided daily - it's incredible - a miracle(?!).

I'm reminded of the several jokes that I've heard who's common punchline is "...you can't get there from here...".

Amazing...

Ed

Back in the saddle...?

(I got the attached image to an email subject "the real source of the swine flu" - sorry, I normally don't propagate such pictures and I also realize that we are now desperately trying to call it something other than the swine flu - but, I loved the picture... - I could have seen several of our kids/grandkids at this age trying to give the porker some tounge...)

MY plan last week had been to post at least daily as I wandered around Manhattan - doing meetings, hanging with some new people, visiting sites, etc. Didn't work out that way. I'm pretty sure no one cares (but me) but it was interesting to observe both my recovery and disease at work this past week.

A little bit of history: I saw something written that I can paraphrase that explains the curious feelings I have about being in New York City "...I was fully prepared to hate everything about New York but it just didn't work out that way..."

I love Times Square, MoMA, every little thing and big thing from Central Park to the Churches to Greenwich Village to the food to Brooklyn to Chinatown to the Subways to the people (most of them) to the Apple Store on 5th Avenue... I can't think of much that I don't like in the short times I'm there. I never again want to live there (I did briefly in a former life) but I would go way out of my way to visit or show up for something in the city.

New York is not special in this regard: I have a similar reaction to Las Vegas - seems like it would be so much more cool if I could just hate it but... What's really weird (and, I think, the purpose of this article) is that loving these urban experiences really has little to do with who and what I am - how I think of myself as a nature-loving mountain dude who's trying to learn to understand and use the principles of AA in the whole of my life.

...oh, maybe that's it...

I discovered that when the principles and values I hold as important guide me in what I do, I can have a great day anywhere on the planet. I can appreciate great AA talks or look for ways to be useful in AA meetings that seem to have gone adrift. When, instead, I yield to my ego and selfish priorities, I can be sitting in paradise and find nothing but fault as far as any horizon.

So, maybe that's part of this week's lesson - my plans are way less important than being available to learn and grow from whatever life presents me. To some extent, I was and am willing to learn. We'll be chatting more about that some - maybe...

BTW - I was suprised that in the time I was in the city (Sunday-Saturday last week), I saw probably less than 1 person in ~5,000 with a face mask on. I think that's about the same ratio I saw when I was there last ~6 years ago so. While some of the country is freaked about this flu, it's not a major concern there yet. I'm still wondering if it should be?

Ed

Life as one coincidence after another...

The photo is the Manhattan Bridge and Midtown from the Brooklyn Bridge on Wednesday night taken with my Blackberry.

I marvel that, in the spirit led life, you just sort of find yourself in these places with wonderful people and, just when it seems that life couldn't possibly get any better, it improves.

I don't know when (or, I suppose even if...) I will get caught up with my blogging activities and postings but I must say that, for now, it seems like I'm where I'm supposed to be. God is gracious and I still feel like I will eventually go back to the study of the principles that got me here, but I'm giving up for at least today any thought that I know for sure what my life is going to look like...

And that, for today, is just a miracle...

Ed