Saturday, March 20, 2010
I love that the 12x12 talks about me: "...our talents for procrastination, which is really sloth in five syllables..." (12x12 p. 67)
I've had ample opportunity the past few weeks to become clear about what "stuck" can look like - even with a bit of sobriety and spiritual insight and experience.
Just to be clear - I do this to me.
Today, I am warm. I am well fed. There is beauty and love in my life in abundance. I am healthy. I have more opportunities to be useful and of service than I can shake a stick at.
And, that's the problem. For the past few weeks I've spent much more energy shaking sticks than I have at being productive and engaged in my life.
What that really looks like, on a real basis, is that I sit down at my computer and, rather than looking for opportunities to make progress on any one of the dozens (not an exaggeration) of things I might be doing to be useful, instead I find some bright fun thing to distract me for hours. Or, I play Freecell. Or, I follow one wild hare or another. For days.
Until the last minute.
Then, with all the heroic efforts I can muster, I try like the devil to protect my image. What that looks like is often: "So, I can't do what I'd intended to do - what's the minimum effort I can put forth and still look like a great guy." You get the picture - we're not talking anything I'm proud of here...
As best I can figure, the basis for most of this non-activity which looks a lot like "sloth" is fear. Fear that, if don't agree to "take on" what you'd like me to do, you'll think less of me. Fear that my best effort won't give be enough to build or sustain the "image" that my ego think it has to have in order to survive.
So, now you have it. My dirty little secret. My primary purpose in admitting it here is probably something like a blogged 5th step. (I've already been down this road with my sponsor as my '...another person...' per our program of recovery.) It is truly my hope and prayer that this flaw in my character gets repaired before it kills me.