Friday, February 5, 2010

Solution, the...

In a comment left on yesterday's article, dAAve posted a comment to the effect of "Solutions?".  This was interesting to me in that I thought I was actually representing a solution when I wrote it.  I could see where it would be seen that I was simply griping about living in the selfishness and self-pity and, well, self.

I'm one of those rare folk who truly see the nobility of Sisyphus - as the rock rolls back down the hill, I really am grateful for the purpose, direction, strength and grace that I have to roll that rock back up again.  Where others see futility, I see a heroic effort and an answer to a life that has just always been beyond me.  My hope today is not only that I will get a huge income and fancy toys.  My (sometimes successful) pursuit of money and material goods has all but ruined me, drunk and sober.

What this life is about for me, today, is that I can be true to my task.  Again, carefully hidden in our Big Book are the directions:
"... We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. 'How can I best serve Thee--Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will." BB - pp. 85
So, what I understand for today is that I get to apply my will to learning how to serve God.  How can I be useful?  What can I contribute?  Where can I offer love and tolerance?

On a practical basis, this gets worked out in some queer ways (sorry guys - you know what I mean ;-) ).  Yesterday, I spent $175 that I don't have on some computer equipment that will upgrade my tools/infrastructure so that I can make some progress in developing some software that I've committed to provide.  Makes no financial sense (maybe).  Makes no practical sense (maybe).  But, I've avoided dealing with this part of my life for nearly 3 years now and it was really "the next thing.™"  I'm trusting an instinctual nudge that just seemed to indicate this was right.

I wish I had a clue what the vision thing is about - I sometimes think I have an idea where it might go and then, well, surprise!

The thing I really want to be clear about today though is this is not a veil of tears.  This is not drudgery.  The truth is, as best I can express it, that in sobriety my circumstances have been up, down, easy and challenging.  When I have applied my "...proper use of the will", I have had an amazing life regardless of my circumstances.  For alcoholics like me, AA works.  It has thus far, and I believe it will into the future.

I truly have had a life beyond my wildest dreams in my time in AA so far.

I can certainly see where someone who isn't an alcoholic would be reluctant to step into the harness of recovery as outlined in AA.  How, would one cure low self esteem, selfishness, self pity, etc. by carrying a " ... vision of God's will into all of our activities ... "?  How indeed?

For this drunk, it basically gets pretty simple:
problem = self
solution = God

It just really does work.


Mary Christine said...

Nicely said. Thank you very much.

Syd said...

It works for me too. I know that my will trying to run things didn't work at all. It never has and still doesn't.