Anything to say...

I find myself sitting here admiring every one else' life and sort of, well, sort of hating the one in front of me.

I get that it's a gift of grace today that, God willing, I'll get one foot out in front of the other today and will find a few places where I can be useful.  That truly is "enough"...

However, as I read my usual folks' blogs this morning, I found myself pausing to reflect (pray) and ask "do I have anything to say?"

I've been taught to ask a few things before I open my mouth and say something (anything):

1. Is it the truth?
2. Is it necessary?
3. Is it kind?
4. ...

And, the miracle of that just struck me in this moment.

All my life I've shared what I thought was the "right thing" to promote the image that I was trying to portray - that was aligned with the script that I'd made up for that moment.

For me, to pause and honestly ask is a miracle.

Just that...

Symbols...

At a recent Area Assembly, our delegate brought to the floor a discussion of the question: "should we return the circle and triangle to our AA (AAWS published) literature?"

There was some discussion about the difference between symbols and substance.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently.

I have a long history where I have failed miserably in happy sobriety (just short of taking a drink) and noticed that I've filled my life with service and have forgotten to get in integrity with my recovery program. Or, that I try to solve the problem of my misery by focusing more on working a better 4^th step instead of finding a drunk to work with.

So, even though our symbol has not been used as an official symbol of AA for a number of years (about 1994), I still have a use for a reminder that this is a 3-legged program – sort of like a 3-legged stool.

Have you tried to sit on a 1-legged stool?

I have.

I need to remember why my life feels out-of-balance.

By the way, support for the question from our Area Assembly failed.  Absent some action from some other part of the fellowship, it won't be on the agenda for the 60^th General Service Conference.

Paul ...

One of the liberties I think I can take of having a less well read blog is that I want to share something that came in email about good friend who died recently. If anyone has any sort of objection about this, let me know and I will remove this article.
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We lost another piece of AA history linking us to the founders. Paul Martin, 87 years old and 62 years sober. His sponsor was Tom Powers who helped Bill Wilson edit and publish the 12x12. Below is an official obituary that was in a local paper and a personal note from Gary B. a long time sober friend of Paul’s.

Rest in peace Paul, we will carry the torch!

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Obituary:
Paul W. Martin, age 87, of Bethlehem Woods, LaGrange Park, formerly of Riverside for 42 years. A Veteran U.S. Navy Pilot during WW II, (survivors deleted). Paul had many accomplishments in life as a successful Journalist. He wrote articles for numerous publications including the Chicago Sunday Tribune Magazine, Christian Century, The Grapevine, The Lion (a publication of the Lions Club). He wrote two books on the history of the Lions Clubs, the first We Serve and the second Lions Clubs in the 21st Century. He spoke Spanish fluently and traveled widely, including trips to Mexico and South America and Russia. A Health and Science writer, he hosted his own television show, was a professional wrestler and boxer, and was a true sportsman. He worked in Greenland, Iceland and Alaska in the 1950's, on the Dew Line radar warning system . In the Navy he catapulted, in observation planes, off of battle Ships. He had a great sense of humor and always had a joke. In lieu of flowers, memorials to Riverside Twp. Lions Club, Hadley School for the Blind and St. Thomas Hospice appreciated.

From Gary B.:
I returned home yesterday from Paul's wake and memorial service.  This was the third time I have been privileged to not only be with Paul but many of his sponsees and friends.  The first two times I was asked to chair (more like emcee) the celebrations of his 50 years and 60th years of sobriety.

I met Paul 36 years ago when he spoke at the Wyatts meeting in Denver.  He had been invited to speak there by a fellow known as Big Frank McKibbon.  Frank was big and tough and a true Big Book Step Nazi who said that I should come hear Paul.  I was surprised that Frank really looked up to anyone so I figured I better go.  I left the meeting knowing that I had just met a man who really believed that the 12 Step program of AA was indeed "sufficient" for alcoholics and anyone else who might be motivated to go to the lengths we need.

24 years ago I called Paul with my ass hanging out and jam on my face and asked him for help.  I had not drank, but I was living a life of infidelity, dishonesty in all my affairs--my wife still says I was depressed during that time.  Other than the depression that is a symptom of alcoholism I have no other experience with that.

Paul and his group, the LaGrange group, firmly believe and practice repeated trips through the 12 steps.  Each time they do that they swap 5th Steps with several other people, and are extremely diligent in making all the amends to remain current.  I learned that the repeated process thru the 12 Steps in order relieves alcoholics of the depression, anxiety, fear and all those other things the sober alcoholic contends with.

Paul always believed that guilt is the cause of depression.  In fact, he was sure that Wilson would not have had his depressions if he would have kept his pecker in his pants.

I last spent several hours with Paul this last Spring when he was in Bloomington, IN undergoing a series of heavy radiation.  His conversations were always about AA.  He said he knew I don't really enjoy speaking on the circuit but asked me to continue to do it when I was asked so I could continue to share my experience with amends.

Paul spent the last 3+ months in a retirement center/nursing home.  I am told that this past August there was a young man taking a tour of the home with his parents.  The parents were thinking of moving there.  The lady giving the tour always spoke to each resident as they passed by.  She would say "Hi Joe" or "Hi Mary" etc., but when they passed Paul she said "Hi Paul Martin."  The group passed by and then the young man returned and asked Paul if he was the guy who knew Bill Wilson.  Paul said he was and asked what he could do for the young man.  The kid said he was 3 years sober and was having trouble getting along with his parents.  Paul said "Do you have your amends list in your pocket?"

Paul then showed the kid how to write an inventory, told him to come back when he had it completed (Paul gave him one week).   The kid came back, took 5th Steps with Paul and a few of his friends.  On September 10th the kid returned to see Paul and said he had made all the amends with his parents and things were getting better.

All the years I knew Paul, I never once heard him change his mind about anything regarding the AA program--the Twelve Steps.  I asked Matt A., a 50 year sponsee of Paul's if he ever heard Paul change his mind about any part of the program.  Matt said he never heard Paul change his mind about a damn thing.

Three weeks ago Bryan B took Paul up to Mayo Clinic for some tests.  The doctor came into the room after two days of testing and before the doc could say anything Paul asked "How long do I have."  The doctor looked down while looking for words when Paul said "I'm glad you didn't look at your watch."

I'm sure someone will be telling more about his life.  He spoke Spanish fluently.  He interviewed many South American political figures, both winners and losers of revolutions. He was a wonderful god father and friend.

The wake and service were truly victory celebrations.

Gary

Fear and ....

I had a long chat with my sponsor last night.  It truly was evidence of how this thing (AA) works in my live today.

Our general subject was fear.  Specifically, my fears.  About: my finances, my work, my physical health, my relationships, my AA program, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my spirituality, my mental health, the government, our economy, our world, the climate, the weather, my safety...  I think we pretty well covered a lot of them.

Me.

Anyway, at the end of this litany, he related his experiences in early sobriety (I hate it when he does that - doesn't he know I'm 25 years past that? sigh...) and he suggested that I write a list - start into a fear inventory.

I have a sponsee that has a paper taped to the bottom of his computer screen that says (in large type)

" ... We never apologize for God.  Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do.  We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB p. 68)

There's seldom a week that goes by that I don't relate to at least one sponsee or another that process of "outgrowing fear" - the essence of coming into "being that H would have us be".

Yet, for the recent past, fear has once again taken hold of my life in a serious way.  It pretty much fully defines what I do and don't do.

Me.

So, today I'm making a list and only half-heartedly believing that the process which has "worked" the last several dozen times I've done it will, in fact, work again.

Or, at least, I think I hope so...

Tom...

Last night I pitched a lead at a meeting that I don't normally go to on Tuesday nights.  My 15 minutes went fine.  The topic was the 11th step.  I love the 11th step and have some experience that seemed useful.

After my lead, the discussion started and, after 2-3 people had shared, Tom shared.

You probably know Tom.

Tom has probably visited your meeting.  Maybe Tom is there most every day.

Tom started out sharing about how he was new in town and that he was on his way back to Afghanistan and was in more pain than was humanly possible to conceive and (now sort of dancing around the back of the room) was tired of sleeping in the cold but he got here from Louisiana by way of Selma and Chicago and St. Louis and got a bus ticket from Kansas City to Denver where he had a job but then his tools got ripped off because he was a great stone worker and then he was headed on the bus to work at a stone quarry where they were going to give him new tools in the south but because of some behavior problems on the bus he was pulled off and hassled (not his fault, mind you) and told that he had to wait 24 hours to continue his trip because they wanted to see him less manic and then he realized that he'd left his grandfather's wallet and other valuables on the seat of the bus and...

Tom would occasionally slip and swear and then he'd catch himself and apologize and then congratulate himself about not swearing much.

After he'd gone on for about 8-9 minutes (I was deeply engaged in meditation with my eyes closed when I realized one of the members of the group was nudging me and asking me "what should we do?"), one of the members of this group interrupted him and asked him to wrap up and sit down.  After another 2-3 minutes and increasingly stern requests, Tom shut up and found a chair in the middle of the room where he remained twitchy and, with great flair, picked items off the literature table and went for coffee 2-3 times.

Tom may or may not have been high or loaded and, it was clear, he might have had problems other than alcoholism.

I was so proud of this group, I could have just hugged them all...

It was a good meeting.  Several folks shared useful insights, experiences and, perspectives on the 11th step in their lives.

Many of us shared after the meeting that "...there but by the grace of God go I..."

About 2/3 of the way through the meetings, Tom interrupted again and said "...I just want to say I love AA..."

Me too...

How it works...

On another site I "play around" with the AA program online, I started a minor s-storm by relating a recent experience at my home group.  From others' posts, I know that I'm not the only one who occasionally feels like I can get the hassles I find online in my face-to-face life so, like, why do I do this?

Anyway, as this storm was blowing around, I found it hard to post something here since my head had been pretty negative.  However, this came to mind today.  I posted similar articles in both forums...

Given:

"The AA Message" = "To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of ..." ("this book" is how it is written in the Big Book but, I think the implication from the conversations I've had recently is that we substitute "meeting" or "relationship" or "conversation" and extend to "the whole of AA")

How that works is (no particular order):

• meetings and other gatherings that are solution focused and have a clear sense of purpose aligned with our message (above)
  
• guidance by those who have had the experience of our path to recovery (some people call these "sponsors")
  
• individuals who are motivated to not drink (we don't supply that initial motivation), work a program of recovery carefully hidden in our Big Book in a chapter of the name of this post
• in the course of that program, they clean up their past and live differently henceforth
• as a part of that program, they learn of a way of life that includes "love and service"
• as a result of that program, they accomplish a spiritual awakening which orients them toward living by new principles in the world and places them in service to carry "the message" (see above)
  
• one of the many promises in our basic text is that, if people follow this program of recovery, they will become useful  - this is to be encouraged above all else (being useful to God and our fellows)
  
• we come to appreciate and apply the principles of the steps, traditions and, concepts as AA's 3 legacies of recovery, unity and service

At least I think that's how it works...

My favorite night...

This is my favorite night of the year.  It's the night they give me an extra hour.  I just have to love a world that, once a year, gives me an extra hour to enjoy.

Some years I just sleep.  Some years I watch TV.  Some years I play with this project or that.  Many years, like this, I waste 3-7 hours doing a little of this and a little of that and wind up just relishing enough in that extra hour that I wind up tired and feeling hung over the next day.  Or the next week.  It's my own personal little annual time to enjoy an extra little time in my life  - my own one little personal hour of Rumspringa every year.

OK, I know it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me...

Anyway, I decided that I could finally risk a full face picture of me and my lovely wife on this blog.

Anonymity be damned - it was our night to go to a meeting and hang with the clowns in AA...

A mighty maple...

This maple tree in our front yard on the west side of our house is about 35 feet tall and has a canopy at least that broad.

We moved into this house about 23 years ago and, when we bought the house - and many times since - I've remarked that this tree was probably worth more than the house.  It has been a perfect shade tree.  It is the reason we need minimal air conditioning even with our blazing sun in the Colorado summers.  Most springs and falls are more pleasant because of it's colors and grandeur.

Maples don't fare well in our climate.  We're sem-arid here with legendary low humidity and most winters include at least a few days of gusts over 100 mph.  Some years, you can fairly hear the tree gasping for moisture and rest.  We laughingly refer to our  "breezes" of 40-50 mph.

Since the tree was not well cared for when it was younger (it probably dates back at least as old as the house, approximately 1950, but probably pre-dates that by some time), we've had tree surgeons out several times in the past 10 years (more than $5,000 work) and each time they've whacked and trimmed but, well, it's just not all that healthy.

We had record snowfall this week and, since the tree hadn't lost all its leaves, it's paid a high price.  Just guessing based on the branches that have already fallen or are probably dead from breaking, I think at least 1/8 of the tree has died off.

I find myself really identifying with this tree.

We could spend hours reflecting on the "pruning" I've been through since I got to AA.  More than once, I've hung onto on my old ideas that were clearly no longer of any use but that were so attached to my "self" that I feared if I let those ideas go, my very identity would be threatened.  It's a process I love to talk about since I think it demonstrates the great power for good that our program stands for.  I credit with the life and happiness that I have today.

But, it's never easy.  Ever.  I hang onto those old ideas until, when they crash, they come crashing down and sometimes damage others around me when they fall.

And, my life depends on whacking out those ideas.  If I don't get pruned, my whole life will be destroyed when the snows come.

I hope our tree survives.  I think it really is more valuable than the house we live in.

I hope I do too...

Any lengths...

We had our 1st major snow last night.  I was a little late this morning (~6am) getting my paper in the driveway and, as I was collecting the paper and taking my neighbor the one that is always delivered on the wrong side of the house, was musing about how I could have probably slept in as I figured my 6am sponsee wouldn't be showing up.

He usually does show up but, since it's a 30 minute drive for him and the roads were obviously sloppy, I just figured he wouldn't make it.  Made me think about how many people through the years I've known who really want to have a different life but, well, they just can't show up.

I was grousing in my head about how they told me when I got here that "...if I'd work just 1/2 as hard at staying sober as I did for a drink, that I'd surely succeed.

That's worked so far....

Anyway, before much of this revelry went on long, my sponsee pulled in less than 5 minutes late.

Turned out, "any lengths" was the theme of our time for the next hour or so.

He has a sponsee and a nephew - both of whom are early in sobriety and both of whom have seem to hit that wall of willingness that so many of us don't get through.  "It's just too hard to get to meetings without a car..."  "The people at that meeting are just a bunch of gossips|flirts|pious Patties|old cheapskates| ..." "I was going to write on my 4th step but decided I needed a night off..."

There is always a reason - a perfectly good reason - for not doing something around the program.

Sometimes, when I read chapter 5 at a meeting, I get a little cute when I read: "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it..." (BB - p. 58) and put the emphasis on ANY.  Like, would you go to ANY length?  Even just one length?

Seems some people aren't willing (or able?) to get that motivation.  They need another round or 2 in the ring with the gorilla.  They need to learn something.  They need the gracious gift of desperation.

A former sponsor of mine used to say, "...it doesn't do anyone any good if I'm working harder on their sobriety than they are...".

Today, I think I've gone to enough lengths.

I hope so...

The icks...

A few of my friends in AA have been going through what I call "the icks" lately.  I had a sponsor I used to call up (often) and say: "...the sick is on me bad today..." and then I'd launch into the familiar diatribe about how bad my life was and how hopeless all appeared.

This sponsor's solution was largely centered around inventory and prayer and meditation.  I have nothing against those - they are cornerstones to our program of recovery.  I'm grateful for all he taught me about those tools that I still use today.

After he fired me, I got hooked up with my current sponsor and he's pretty much of another persuasion - when you're under the oppression of alcoholism (real alcoholics will probably understand this), when you're into what I've hear called at east coast meetings "stinkin' thinkin'", his solution is to look for an immediate opportunity to be of service.  The more consuming this is (sponsorship, chairing a committee, starting a group, jail/detox meetings, helping your kids or wife - doesn't have to be an alcoholic - etc.) the better.

While at face value this seems to just be a distraction, I can't tell you how many times this has worked wonders for me in terms of getting past my own head enmeshed in fear and darkness.  It is, after all, what our Big Book book recommends.  It's solution for my darkness and despair is not (only) changing sponsors, going to another dance, seeking a more intense 3rd step experience, changing churches or gurus, changing diet, getting more exercise, going to a therapist, changing medications, etc.  Some of these items (and others) might be the right thing to do sometimes.

But, what Bill discovered was: "...I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day..." (BB p. 15).  This suggestion is repeated a number of times in our book.

The fact that today, most days, I can get one foot in front of another to make progress toward some sort of real solution is a miracle that is beyond my wildest imagination.  It is evidence of God's grace in my life.