Quitting...

I had my regular breakfast with a delightful 20+ year sober sponsee this morning.  He'd had a particularly frustrating and discouraging weekend and, as we were leaving after his expressing his frustrations for nearly an hour, he asked me "...have you ever just felt like quitting AA?"

I had to take a deep breath because there's a short answer and a long answer to this question.  The truth is that I've been given a life beyond my wildest dreams as a direct consequence of AA.  AA really does work.

The medium-length answer is that, over the years, I've often felt like quitting AA - even knowing that it might be my death sentence to leave.  No, maybe especially because it would probably be my death sentence.  But, that's probably another article.

There are basically a few reasons I've really been ready to throw in the towel on AA over the years:

1. Early in sobriety and many times since, I would sometimes look around the room and get pretty judgmental and say "these guys and girls are all losers and hypocrites."  I still do occasionally.  Sometimes, frankly, I'm just embarassed to be apart of this family.
2. I look at what we've made AA to be - the chanting, the opinions espoused, the religiosity, the latest pop psychology - and I just hate it.  It seems foreign to me and what I knew this program to be many years ago.
3. I've felt that some members have become friends and then hurt or betrayed me.  Their hypocrisy or the way they've used me have caused significant pain.
4. It all seems like such a huge waste of time.  I spend hours each day practicing the program or attempting to be of service to others involved in this program.  It really seems like this time would be better served with making a living, being useful in my family or, just finding an interesting hobby.

I think there are many other reasons I have for quitting AA but they might also just be variations of the above. I don't think it's worthwhile to come up with an exhaustive list.

So, against that, I have some different ways of looking at these same ideas:

1. Any family has people who are more successful than others or folks who could be an embarrassment.  Heck, I've even been the one who I've known some people are embarrassed to know so who am I to talk or judge?  At my largest home group meeting, it's not an exaggeration to say there are 35-50 people there on any given Saturday night who would go to any length available to them to support me in my sobriety.  I've never had a family like that anywhere else.
2. I realize that, today, I am  responsible for what AA will be in the future.  If I don't like what it is today or its general trend, I need to become active in making it into something different.  It's part of why I became a co-founder of aarenewal.org.  It's a privilege to, perhaps, be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.  Besides, as a fellowship, we've been arguing since 1936 as to what is the "right" thing for AA - mistakes of AA leadership in the past seem much more egregious or dangerous than the ones of today.
3. In every case where my feelings have been hurt or that there's been betrayal, it's been as a direct result of my either projecting intentions or commitments that were not there or I've been attached to people being something they weren't or I've been too sensitive or taken myself way to seriously.  I can't think of any other way I might have learned these lessons.
4. For every minute I've invested in my and others recovery, I've received countless dividends.  Frankly, the world is not knocking my door down to ask for my professional contributions and my family is happy when I can be involved with them but are just as happy when I let them get on with their own lives.  The principles I've learned in AA are the only things I think that make me attractive to anyone else in my life.

So, while I have times of discouragement and despair in AA, on a good day I can see where all of those times have led me toward growth that I really could never have accomplished in any other way.  On a really good day, even my discouragement and feelings of hopelessness in AA can be useful to someone else on the same journey as I am.

Today was (is) a really good day.

My favorite night...

This is my favorite night of the year.  It's the night they give me an extra hour.  I just have to love a world that, once a year, gives me an extra hour to enjoy.

Some years I just sleep.  Some years I watch TV.  Some years I play with this project or that.  Many years, like this, I waste 3-7 hours doing a little of this and a little of that and wind up just relishing enough in that extra hour that I wind up tired and feeling hung over the next day.  Or the next week.  It's my own personal little annual time to enjoy an extra little time in my life  - my own one little personal hour of Rumspringa every year.

OK, I know it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me...

Anyway, I decided that I could finally risk a full face picture of me and my lovely wife on this blog.

Anonymity be damned - it was our night to go to a meeting and hang with the clowns in AA...

Feels like...

Recently, I was at a workshop on the Traditions and Concepts of AA.  It was an odd format in that 6 presenters each had about 10 minutes to cover some portion of all the material so that all 24 concepts and traditions were covered,  lightly at best.

One of the most "masterful" presenters did a great job explaining the several traditions he was given but then, wrapped it up by saying "...all this is to say that there are definitely things that AA 'is' and AA 'is not' - but, over time in our fellowship you begin to learn that some things clearly 'feel like AA' and other things 'feel like they're not AA'".  I think he then went on to say that we don't use our traditions as some sort of legal test as to whether things are appropriate or not but instead as a guideline to the general principles we conduct ourselves by.

I've spent some time since thinking about this.

On the one hand, I hate this.  I am, by nature and training, a programmer, an engineer and, a scientist.  If it can't be measured, to me it generally doesn't exist or it isn't important.  If I can't prove me right and you wrong by our traditions, I see much less value in them.

On the other hand, what he said rang true and I think, largely, is  true for us in our fellowship.  I've been to dances that were clearly "AA" and I've been to weekend-long conferences with AA in the title that were clearly not "AA".  In some instances, it is clear to understand why that was the case - e.g. support of our primary purpose, opportunities of one alcoholic talking to another, being self supporting, telling the truth, etc.  In other cases, it was not so clear as to why they were or weren't - but, what was undeniable was there was either a spirit present or there wasn't.

I have found several of us have adopted a thread on this in the blogosphere in this that the consciousness of this discussion has started to evolve.  I think it's important.  I must, because I'm on the threshold of devoting a significant part of my time and treasure toward supporting that conversation (more on that possibly in a few weeks).  But, that's just me.

More importantly, as I've discussed this with my sponsor and other members, I've also spent some time reviewing AA history and realize that this is not a new conversation or quandary.  From the very start (in 1935), we were having similar discussions about what "it is" and what "it isn't" - long before it was named "AA".  There have been deep and harmful schisms in our fellowship.  Peoples' feelings have been hurt and there have been accusations and recriminations in public and in private.  AA itself has seemed on the very brink of extinction multiple times.

So, today, even with our beloved traditions, concepts and 75 years experience, we may not have any better tools than they did in 1935 to guide us. Hopefully, at it's core, we will be a fellowship of folks who've recovered from a fatal malady through a spiritual awakening to be able to discern in our individual lives and fellowship the hand of God.

And then, following the direction of that hand, participate in what "feels like AA" and refrain from participating where it "doesn't feel like AA".

More Mike...

I got a call from Mike's sister last Thursday.

Mike had called me on Monday and asked my opinion about 2 different detoxes. I told him I had no recent direct experience with either place - he could flip a coin.

I asked after his welfare and he said he'd been basically just struggling to the liquor store every day or 2 but, apart from that, hadn't been out of the house for about 3 weeks. He had someone who was willing to drive him to detox (but nowhere else). I wished him well and went on about the rest of my day.

The previous few weeks, he'd stopped taking my calls but I would text him when I would think of him and he'd text back something to the effect of "I'm ok but still not sober". Last March, I had hauled him home and had him spend a week with us (it was the right thing to do then...) to detox him but, the whole time he was at my house, he was using drugs...

So, I was very grateful when his sister charged his cell phone and texted me on Thursday - asking me to call. I did and she said he'd checked himself into the hospital on Monday. Seems to have been God's will in that they immediately put him into a "drug induced coma" (her words - I have no experience or opinion) and that they'd been trying to bring him out but he would get violent and dangerous when they tried to detox him. I can only imagine.

I heard from her again on Sunday that they were planning to put him into the regular ward but when I called her yesterday (via Mike's phone), the latest was that he was still in ICU as a consequence of other medical complications. According to her, they are bending the ICU rules to allow him some visitors so I plan to drop by this afternoon. She has warned me that it's not a pretty sight. I can imagine...

Mike is one of those folks who everybody assumes is just going to get this deal and stay with us for the duration. He has good looks (or did - age and dissipation take their toll) and a winning, puppy-dog personality. He was a few weeks away from having a knee replacement surgery that will improve his quality of life. The only thing he had to do to be able to qualify for this surgery was to stay clean and sober for 6 months. (Someone in medicine finally figured out that joint replacements don't work as well on drunks who stay drunk.)

Yet, he drank. He burned it all down, again...

I love our Big Book where, on page 20, it talks about how others can't understand us:

..."He could stop if he wanted to." "She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake." "The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again."...

That's Mike if I've ever seen one...

Yet, I'm always surprised at how we react inside AA when one of us does what we do. We have all the same propensity with comments like: "...well, he just wasn't working his program..." or maybe "...he just couldn't follow direction..."

Well, maybe it's none of those judgments that would make me more comfortable. Maybe he, like I, just drank because he was an alcoholic? Maybe?

I get that the only difference between Mike and me today (or any day) is God's grace. I'm a big fan of grace. It's the only thing that I've found that can explain both my precious sobriety and Mike's inability to "get" this deal.

And, increasingly, I realize there's no percentage or purpose in trying to figure out why I got something that Mike clearly needs and deserves every bit as much as I do.

Instead , the only reasonable response that I can see for me today is gratitude. For my sobriety.

...and, for Mike...

It's the only basis for hope that I have for either one of us...

Conventions...

I love conventions, conferences and workshops...

Even bad ones (and I've been to several) generally leave me feeling at least a little refreshed and glad that I participated.

So, being who I am, I often am involved in the committee. In various conferences, conventions and, workshops, I have been (off the top of my head): chair(3), coordinator(2), facilitator(3), speaker(3), treasurer(3), registration(3), program(3), solutions/special needs(2), web site(2), public information(2), hotel liaison(3), co-chair(2), media(2), entertainment(2), food and beverage(2), coffee(2) - but, who's counting...

At the state convention this past weekend, I was heavily involved and probably had one of my toughest jobs (this was why I was going to quit AA a few months back) but, it seemed to work out OK. Folks generally seemed to have a good time and the committee members are all sending around the self-congratulatory emails that we always seem to do - even after the "bad" ones.

Usually by this time (2 days later), I've reflected back and seen it as something like "...well, it really wasn't that bad was it...?" Somehow, not this time. Not yet anyway. This one took some flesh that it will take some time to heal.

In the spirit of where, in AA, "we leave no good deed unpunished", I think some folks went way over the line with me. It was personal. It was (is?) vicious. Some AA relationships I've cherished for over 20 years have been fundamentally redefined. I've been accused of motivations and actions that are so blatantly wrong to be laughable...

...except, I'm not laughing...

...not yet...

...I guess I am now.

And, I'm registered for San Antonio... ;-)

...and, I've been volunteered to participate there...

BTW - at the Friday meeting of said convention, the G.S.O. speaker said that by last Thursday (3 days after opening registration), there were over 8,000 registered for the International. One Trustee told me that the thinking is that they might sell out of 45,000 registrations in a few weeks and shut down pre-registration until they can be sure they can house and deal with everyone who wants to go. From what I understand (per said Trustee), they can comfortably deal with ~60,000 of us but might have problems with more...

Memories...

I had breakfast with a sponsee this morning like I have every week for the past ~ 2 years. He's a fascinating study in that he had ~20 years of sobriety (I'd been his sponsor for about 15) and, after coasting for about 10 years, the wheels came off his life (his wife divorced him and everything he thought that was secure turned to mush) and we started this breakfast thing.

We spend a lot of breakfasts talking about living AA principles as a newly single dad. It was sort of surprising to me when today I gushed out a flood of my memories of the first 2-3 years I was in the program (~'84-'85). I really loved when Mary Christine blogged about her first 25 years in the program. I was envious in that, since I didn't keep journals and my life was such a mess, such a project would not be possible for me.

But, out of the blue, my sponsee got to hear a synopsis of my early years.

Some of the high points:

• I was 31 years old and newly sober
  
• I had at least a weekly appointment at the Jefferson county courthouse
• The sheriff wanted to know (and approve) any time I even considered leaving the city
  
• At ~6 months sober, due to the family no longer being viable and the fact that others were being hurt, I filed for divorce
• My wife/ex-wife was insane (really) and pissed and acted out by, for example, posting threats to me on the bulletin board at the AA club where I attended most of my meetings
  
• I wound up with full custody (my ex-wife was only allowed short, supervised visits) of 2 teenage kids who, since they couldn't "act out" against their crazy mother, attacked me and did much of the stuff teenagers do
  
• I was in a job that required 80+ hours a week; lots of concentration and focus
  
• The kids were heavily involved in sports, band, extra-school stuff in 2 different schools several miles away from our home(s) or my work
  
• I was > $50,000 in consumer debt - bill collectors called daily
  
• My daughter decided to go to college in Philadelphia - my portion of that bill was >~$20,000/year
• I got to at least 3 meetings a week - sometimes 3 meetings a day
• After 9 months sober, I was 13th stepped by my now wife (we'll celebrate 20 years of marriage on 8/6) and her kids were doing their best to wreck her and their life and our relationship
• ...

Anyway, the point, I guess, of that reflection was that I had no idea how to get through it back then and, looking back on it now, I have no idea how I got through it now. I don't think I would have won any "style points" and it was 2-3 years after that time that I learned how to actually work our wonderful AA program but, they promised me at meetings that if I took my life a day at a time and actually just put one foot in front of the other, eventually it would pass.

They were right...

Life's terms...

A former spiritual guide of mine used to bristle when he'd hear some of the jargon we toss around in meetings. One of the terms that he'd sometimes object directly to was when someone talked about "living life on life's terms".

He would point out that, in his opinion and based on his experience, life did not, in fact, create "terms" - that, the circumstances in our life were not as a consequence of some sort of cosmic test where we were on a pass/fail situation.

At the same time, the best way that he could experience his life was to treat each circumstance in his life as an opportunity to learn and to surrender whatever attachments caused his reaction to those circumstances to be negative (or, sometimes, overly positive). I saw him do this in his life in prosperity and poverty, in health and dire sickness, when everyone loved him or when relationships were challenging.

In short, the best of his life was lived in relationship to the circumstances in a state of relative neutrality.

I had a chat with my sponsor this morning and as we related and encouraged each other down this path, I was once again struck by how much I want to figure out what is right and wrong with my life and those people who I am constantly challenged by. I want solutions to the situations that challenge me. I want others to agree with those solutions and give me what I want (time, money, etc.) to make the circumstance more favorable.

Better I realize that the circumstances are just that - circumstances. I can love them or I can hate them but, in the end, I get to deal with them just as they are. I am not "powerless" over circumstances. I am neutral to them. From that position of neutrality, I can truly appreciate how the God of the universe can, and does, allow me to learn and grow. At some level, it doesn't matter whether it is in adversity or prosperity (though I certainly ask for and desire prosperity), I can and do grow from the experience in life.

In my less than humble opinion, it is, in fact, the purpose of my life...

Just a visit...

My sister is coming to town today to visit my mother and I. The fact that she and her husband would leave their comfortable lives in the Midwest to visit is a miracle at a number of levels but, for me, it's an example of the power of the program of AA.

I was about 9 years sober (~16 years ago) when my sister finally was "up" on my 8th step list. It had become my habit for all amends to write out a letter in advance of scheduling and making amends to be clear as to my part and what I was doing in this amends. Most of the time, the letter was set aside and direct amends - face to face - were made.

As that letter was slowly written (actually, it took about 3 months of avoidance and 4 hours of writing), the clear nature of my perpetration to my sister became painfully clear. My selfishness had made our relationship a joke. I would show up and show off with grand gestures of family (take our whole family to her place for a visit - buy everyone dinners - talk big - then leave) and then, literally, have NO contact whatsoever for years at a time. I think the longest time we didn't communicate was nearly 10 years!!! No phone calls. No Christmas cards. No birthday cards. Nothing!!!

Her son was killed in a motorcycle accident and I swooped in, took charge of her life, made major decisions for her and her husband, acted like I was really "being there" for them and then, after a call or 2 when I got home, disappeared again out of her life completely for several years. Even when I was in the same city or nearby on travel, I wouldn't make the time to visit or talk to her - I was just completely and totally selfish and self-absorbed.

As I wrote out this long letter (I remember about 6-8 pages - could have been longer) talking about specifically what I'd done our whole lives and how that had brought harm to her and her family, I remember feeling pretty shabby (I still do, remembering it now). I discussed it with my sponsor and read it to him. I was sort of surprised when he agreed with me that the right way to handle this one was to just put the letter in the mail - one more "grand gesture" of a visit was not at all what would be appropriate for this relationship.

I can remember putting the letter in the mail and feeling a new sense of freedom and release. Some of what I'd been most ashamed of and felt regretful about in my past had been brought to light. The truth had, in fact, set me free. I was prepared for any sort of reaction from my sister: She could agree with me and express her anger at my betrayals. She could forgive me and we could move on. She could not respond and ignore it. I was prepared for anything.

...except, what happened...

About 3 weeks after I sent her letter, I got a letter from her. Nothing, in all of my arrogant selfishness prepared me for what she said in that letter. She thanked me greatly for my letter and then went on to describe a little about what her life for the past 40 years had been like.

You know, it had never, ever, EVER occurred to me - had never even been a blip on the horizon - had never even entered the nether ranges of my consciousness - that my sister and I had been raised in the same family. Huh.

That some of the stuff that went on with (or didn't go on with) my mother and my father might have affected her had never been a consideration to me - at all!!!

Whereas, for me, this childhood became fodder for my budding alcoholism and reinforcement for the spiritual malady and peculiar mental twists, for my sister, her childhood in that family was the basis for a deep, dark depression that influenced her life and her choices. I was dumbfounded - profoundly dumbfounded. My sister's way of describing some of what happened in our childhood family is that my parents raised 2 only children together.

At the end of her letter, she thanked me again but allowed that she'd been down the committed friendship many times and, while she was open to the possibility of a friendship with me, she was more willing to "wait and see" how things developed.

Shortly after this exchange, both her and I changed jobs so that we both set most of every day in front of computers and had access to email (16 years ago that was much less common than now). I would not be exaggerating a bit to say that we emailed each other a least 3 times a day and sometimes emails 10-12 times a day were common. It seemed like we were in constant communication.

We visited her, they visited us. We took vacations together. She and I have taken 5-6 trips together. I've told her my story a few times. She's told me her story (e.g. sitting on the foot of the bed with her husband's gun, willing herself to have the strength...) a few times. I think I probably know my sister more intimately than anyone else in her life. I can't think I have ANY secrets from her.

Over the past few years, our lives have changed - generally not much to our liking or in accordance with our plans. But, we're each on our journey and it's been amazing to share this with her.

All as a result of a 9th step amends...

Amazing.

Follow protocol ... ?

I've noodled about this for about a week and it finally occurred to me that I might put it out there on the blogosphere as a question.

Earlier in the week, I was reflecting some on our principle of anonymity, how we do that, why we do that, endorsements (explicit or implied), affiliation - all that junk around principles in AA that I seem to be so inclined to reflect on at this point in my life.

It occurred to me that maybe the whole "follow" thing that we do in online AA where we publicly state who we follow and (perhaps) publicly follow or note (perhaps) others who follow us deserves some reflection. This is the normal way to build traffic in the web world and has become the really big thing on all forms of social networking on the web (e.g., myspace, facebook, twitter, various blogspaces, etc.).

For a week, I took down the gadget that states who I follow. I noticed that, when I did that, some of the folks who follow my posts stopped showing up and my traffic dropped slightly. While interesting, it's probably not really significant in that the traffic to my blog is still pretty small (my blog is pretty new and I don't get that the world will ever beat a path to my door to hear my utterances - online or any other place ;-) ).

I put that gadget back up today. At face value, my thinking is that I provide these references as a way for folks to see who else I follow much the same way as I discuss with folks at a meeting what other meetings I attend. Clearly, my intention is not really to endorse all that is said at that meeting but to point to some other place I go to support my program. Sometimes I will even say something to the effect: "...that meeting has been running off track and could really use some support to get back to a basic AA message...". Truth is, the community of folks I currently read blogs from every day was found looking through others' follow lists so these lists have been useful .

Lots of folks in the blogosphere have had a lot more time to think about all this than I have and I was just wondering if anyone else has asked these sorts of questions of themselves before they start following another blog (and provide a link from their blog area to others):

1. Do you think about whether a particular blogger is consistent with their AA message when you decide to add them to your follow list?
2. Do you intend your list of folks who follow to "support a message" or provide entertainment? Both? Neither?
3. It seems most of us share "in a general way" on our blogs - do you also keep a private, personal journal? If you do, do you do that online?

As a student of AA's steps, tradition, concepts, and warranties, I think I know how all this stuff should work - what's right for me. Then, a simple little thing like this idea of "following" and the question of how can this best serve the purposes of the higher power I'm in service to and everything becomes a question again...

...and isn't that wonderful...?

Profanity...

OK - I know this is going to come across as "preachy" but maybe I really intend it that way...

I stumbled across this quote recently on Trinker's blog:

The absence of profanity offends no one.

I remember having multiple conversations, multiple times in early sobriety where we were so proud that AA was the one place where you could use the terms "god" and "f---" in the same sentence and totally be cool. A share at the meetings I attended then was generally not "complete" without some artful, down home cussing.

That was true then and it's true now - except in my home group. Or most other meetings I choose to attend now.

What changed? Nothing. Everything. me.

Please-please-please don't misunderstand me (probably should be a song to that effect entered here...), I really don't much care that you encourage swearing at your meeting(s) or that you spice up your share or your blog or any other part of your life with a string of profanity. Truth is that I still cut loose with my sailor's imitation on the job or under the covers, but not as much as I used to and the trend seems to be generally that I cuss less.

Why this trend? I'm really not sure I can tell you with certainly. The things that have occurred to me (as brought up by others or as discovered on my own are):

• if my profanity offends or could offend anyone, it is a deliberate act of separation on my part
  
• my use of profanity is probably a mask for rage, anger, hate or some other secondary emotion. It might be more honest to express something about the primary emotion (e.g. - sadness, fear, physical or emotional pain) instead.
• there might be other words than profanity that I could choose to express the same thing if I'm not too lazy to utilize them
• when I hang around people that don't cuss, I generally don't cuss or cuss less than I do when around folks who do...
  

Again, I really don't know for sure if these are the drivers for this trend in me or not. It's just a general observation now that I cuss less and I seem to be OK with that.

I've also noticed that it affects my blogging habits. It's funny to me that, in the world of the web where I can certainly choose any words that I want to, even in this post I don't say s--- or f---.

What's THAT about?

We had a self-diagnosed curmudgeon join my home group about 12 years ago. He was the first one I'd seen "take on" a cuss-er at an AA meeting. He'd listen to a few "slips of the tongue" and then would interrupt the share and, respectfully, request that the person watch their language. Often the person would defend their "right to say anything they want at an AA meeting". Usually there were several in the meeting that would support this perspective. Chuck would then escalate the argument and sometimes yell "...yes, and I have the right to not listen to your language..." and storm out of the meeting.

He moved away a few years ago but I think AA in our community was permanently improved by his participation.

Ain't life interesting....
Ed

Cherries...

Our cherry blossoms have about all blown off our tree. This is good news for me in that it means that we're entering the season where, most years, I can afford to buy those wonderful, lovely cherries as they are on sale for a few brief weeks.

A few years ago, my favorite ice cream shifted from butter pecan to cherry vanilla. This should not have been a surprise to anyone who knows me as about 20 years ago, I fell in love with all things cherry.

Cherry pie, cherry cobbler, cherry cider, cherry smoothies. I've been known to drive 25+ miles out of my way to get a good cherry smoothie - maybe even a mediocre cherry smoothie in a pinch.

I sort of remember how this all happened for me - I have always enjoyed cherry flavor. Then, I became convinced cherries had some good health benefits for me. Back then (unlike now), cherries were in abundant supply and through their season, you could find them for a buck a pound or less in the local Safeway.

I like cherry vanilla ice cream (eat it by the gallon) every chance I get....

I'm not of the school that talks a lot about "alcoholic behavior" but, my passion for cherries has often been called "alcoholic" by well meaning friends in the program. I don't get stopped for "cherry driving", it's not kept me from showing up at any social events that I can think of, but I admit, sometimes I will obsess a bit over getting a cherry smoothie.

I think I just like cherries - a lot...

The real point of this article is to suggest that when I lump my human-ness in with my disease, I may not be serving either very well. As I understand the disease of alcoholism as explained by the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, there are three components to my disease:

1. something like a physical alergy - when I drink alcohol, there's a phenomenon of craving that develops in me that's different from when a temperate drinker drinks
2. a mental component that the Big Book in one place calls a "peculiar mental twist" (p. 33 - I love that language!) where regardless of the problems my drinking has caused me, will not successfully motivate me to avoid a drink that could be injurious
3. a spiritual malady that has me at odds with my world as God created it
   

Something different happens for me around cherries. Do I act a little crazy around them sometimes? Yep. Do I sometimes create a story about why I can't have all the cherries I want today? Could the need for that story be explained by the character defects I've discovered in working the program of AA? Yep.

But, I don't think my thinking or behavior around cherries is completely explained by my disease.

I think I just really, really, really, really like cherries...

I could quit any time I wanted to... ;-)

....mmmm, cherries....

Back in the saddle...?

(I got the attached image to an email subject "the real source of the swine flu" - sorry, I normally don't propagate such pictures and I also realize that we are now desperately trying to call it something other than the swine flu - but, I loved the picture... - I could have seen several of our kids/grandkids at this age trying to give the porker some tounge...)

MY plan last week had been to post at least daily as I wandered around Manhattan - doing meetings, hanging with some new people, visiting sites, etc. Didn't work out that way. I'm pretty sure no one cares (but me) but it was interesting to observe both my recovery and disease at work this past week.

A little bit of history: I saw something written that I can paraphrase that explains the curious feelings I have about being in New York City "...I was fully prepared to hate everything about New York but it just didn't work out that way..."

I love Times Square, MoMA, every little thing and big thing from Central Park to the Churches to Greenwich Village to the food to Brooklyn to Chinatown to the Subways to the people (most of them) to the Apple Store on 5th Avenue... I can't think of much that I don't like in the short times I'm there. I never again want to live there (I did briefly in a former life) but I would go way out of my way to visit or show up for something in the city.

New York is not special in this regard: I have a similar reaction to Las Vegas - seems like it would be so much more cool if I could just hate it but... What's really weird (and, I think, the purpose of this article) is that loving these urban experiences really has little to do with who and what I am - how I think of myself as a nature-loving mountain dude who's trying to learn to understand and use the principles of AA in the whole of my life.

...oh, maybe that's it...

I discovered that when the principles and values I hold as important guide me in what I do, I can have a great day anywhere on the planet. I can appreciate great AA talks or look for ways to be useful in AA meetings that seem to have gone adrift. When, instead, I yield to my ego and selfish priorities, I can be sitting in paradise and find nothing but fault as far as any horizon.

So, maybe that's part of this week's lesson - my plans are way less important than being available to learn and grow from whatever life presents me. To some extent, I was and am willing to learn. We'll be chatting more about that some - maybe...

BTW - I was suprised that in the time I was in the city (Sunday-Saturday last week), I saw probably less than 1 person in ~5,000 with a face mask on. I think that's about the same ratio I saw when I was there last ~6 years ago so. While some of the country is freaked about this flu, it's not a major concern there yet. I'm still wondering if it should be?

Ed

How anonymous???

Some of the folks on the web have helped and encouraged me in my struggles with understanding and applying the principle of anonymity for my presence on the web. I appreciate the fact that many have been doing this for years and have reconciled their participation in the blogosphere with their programs admirably. I have tried to learn from their (your) experiences.

That said, my case might be slightly different (sigh, isn't it ever true ;-) ). I re-read an article I wrote in February last night (Anonymity on the Web - One Member’s View) and it still rings generally true for me so I think I'll stay on that path for a while longer.

...except...

I have a wonderful, amazing relationship with my daughter. I often cite that relationship as a direct example of the miracles that happen as a consequence of the 9th step in AA and Al-Anon (she was an active member of Al-Anon for a number of years). We share an intimacy and love that is amazing - I probably know more about the details of her life than any father would ever want to know. I am incredibly proud of her life and her character - she is one of my strongest role models of what a "recovered" life might look like. We love each other unconditionally...

I was on the phone with my daughter the other day and, in the course of discussing "what's new", I shared with her some of what I was doing on the web. She wanted to see some of it. I told her, without thinking, that I would send her some links. I will send her several links to different personal and commercial sites that I have in progress. I never even thought about sending her the link to this blog and another site that I maintain anonymously.

But, why not? Who I am is reflected as much in these sites as it is in those others - perhaps more so. I don't think there's anything that I've written here that would embarrass or upset her. Who would be harmed?

...except, I have this "hunch" that the whole anonymity thing might be more like pregnancy (she was just a little pregnant?) than like shades of gray (it's really closer to purple?)...

I'm still noodling on this. I have to have the patience to wait for an answer - truth is, I would really like to share this with her, but I wonder if there is any purpose served by her knowing I am the author?

I pray God that more be revealed...

Ed

Am I different...?

At an AA workshop/gathering recently, someone threw out the topic "...are alcoholics different than other people?"

As with most topics of this sort, the authoritative answer at the end of a lengthy discussion was all of:

1. Yes, definitely
   
2. No, definitely
3. Of course, obviously
4. Not at all
5. Only as pertains to drinking alcohol
   
6. We shouldn't care

I found that 20 minutes into this discussion, I was pretty much neutral on the topic. On the one hand, I find it irresponsible and irrational when folks in a meeting excuse all sorts of behavior and thoughts on their alcoholism or "alcoholic thinking". On the other hand, when I hang out with family or non-alcoholics, I find that I do see the world differently. On the other other hand, when I'm working with new drunks I find all sorts of identification with their strange ideas and thinking (at least what it used to be like for me). On the other other other hand (OK - I'm done with that now), I hardly recognize how I used to think - what my priorities used to be - the way I used to make decisions.

So, I don't know that we alcoholics, as a class, are different or not. What I do know is that I'm different than I used to be and, based on a "...daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition...", I will continue to be different and grow.

Thank God...

Ed

Work...

I have this really interesting job where I'm learning lots and lots - the days fly by...

I'm doing web site programming - primarily javascript and PHP programming + some graphics. I've got about 5-6 sites that I'm working on now. I'm behind on all of them (work that I''ve committed to so it needs to get done) so there's a lot of pressure to get them done.

The only (slight) problem is that I'm not being paid for any of them (OK - my nephew gave me $2,500 for 2 of the sites - probably will net out to a few $/hour based on what I'll do).

I don't think this is a problem. For 56 years (really, 45 - I started work at 11), I had in my head this idea that what I do for a living is exchange effort for pay. After working my way up and down the corporate ladder, I was laid off from a $$$k job and and started my own business. I ran that into the ground (seems we could build everything but a profit) and have been sort of watching the last of my savings dwindle down the last few years/months. By the end of summer, we will be out of money from savings absent some miracle.

I know these are not the best of financial times to count on the miracle, but, the purpose of this post is that I'm really pretty much OK with my situation. I get, now more than ever, that God is really in charge. My sponsor and I have this deal when I call him whining about what seems to be this impending train wreck: "Do you have food for the day? Have you got a place to sleep tonight?"

So, career planning? Insanity? I don't know...

For now, I have more work to do, more places that it seems I can be useful, than I can shake anything at. What more could I want?

Back in the day - when my wife and I were both working (she's retired) - we had something we'd say to each other when the problems at work seemed really oppressive: "Who do you work for, anyway?" If I really do have a new employer (as outlined on pg. 63 of the BB), I'm not working for the bozo I'm having issues with anyway.

Truth is, he/she's a pretty good boss. I hope somewhere all this work earns the money he/she has determined that I need.

I believe we'll be just fine...

For at least another 24 hours...

Ed

Practicing principles...

While I am not inventing a new program every day I wake up, I am learning that a certain mindfulness of our principles does lead to an openness and a willingness that I've seemed to not have access to in the past.

I outlined in another web blog article Why I care about AA principles. What remains today is that there is so VERY much room to grow.

Today I feel woefully inadequate to the task at hand (living my life).

...but, fortunately, God's given me the grace to do "what's next", one moment at a time.

And, I guess that's as good as it gets for this alchy on this day...

Breakfast serenity...

I have a weekly breakfast meeting with a sponsee. This guy has better than 2 decades of sobriety and he has an amazing mind to observe and play with. He can get into something (a rant, his work, something said at a meeting, his kids, etc.) and keeping up with his conversation is like drinking from a fire hose - he definitely can be full on entertainment for a morning. I'm pretty low key and reserved and watching us have a conversation must look from the outside like a tennis match between Roger Federer on speed and Steven Wright on Thorazine.

I have been sponsoring him for over 15 years and I wonder what I'm doing in that relationship sometimes. We've been through the book and the steps, we've done inventories and worked through life's little and big problems, we're way clear what our relationship is and what it isn't - I just wonder how I can be useful. (or is that ?)

For years in the program, I had "sponsor envy". I would hear folks share of their wonderful, wise, insightful, sponsors and say - "...how do you get one of those?..." It was just one more way how I could be less than everyone else.

Then, I realized in retrospect, I've always had the perfect guides when I needed them. Imagine!

In truth, I've realized what a blessing it has been for me to walk with some giants among men - some big, some smaller, but truly giants.

I wonder what my friend thinks? Truth is, I think know...

Isn't it nice I'm not in charge?

Peace,
Ed

My Rationale(?)

OK - so I'm just figuring this out as I go (just like the rest of the world) and it occurs to me that the other blogging I'm doing now (36Principles.blogspot.com, 36Principles.org/blog) are great in that they are exploring what the principles are and how they can be used in the life of an A.A. member's recovery.
However, in support of that effort so far, I find that I am working more at understanding than expressing my daily experience, strength and hope in my own program of recovery.
In my investigations of the AA blogging recovery world so far, I'm observing a different sort of experience going on (beyond just passing information around) and I feel led to participate in that world some since it's a world I'm drawing from and not giving back to (yet).
So, I don't know if this new blog will be useful or not but it seems as though it's certainly "what's next" so I intend to participate in this world as much as I can.
I'm not big on committing more time to something that I've not really even tried out yet so I'm as interested as anyone (or no one?) as to how often and what sort of posting gets done here...
I am grateful for the many who have gone before me (some listed in blogs I follow) in this endeavor to show me how it might be done...