What it means...

I woke up and wasn't sure what to think about this day and this Easter holiday.

I used to be a Christian and this holiday had huge significance to me in that I believed in and revered both the fact and the symbolism of a resurrection.

It seems peculiar to me that today I truly believe more in miracles and the miraculous (as expressed by a contravention of the forces of nature, space and time) than I ever have.  So having set aside my former belief in Christ's empty tomb in my own mind, my head and my heart feel both empty but I have a profound appreciation of what the Easter holiday means for those who believe.  There's a small amount of envy felt for those who hold to a faith I once professed.

Hope.  Redemption.  Love.  All great things.

So, this morning I find myself grateful for all those things in my past life as expressed through whatever means they were taught.

And, I'm profoundly grateful for men and women of all faiths and no faith who similarly teach the value of suffering, surrender, humility, faith, hope, redemption and, love.

Mary Louise this morning wrote about character.  I still fear that my character will not be strong enough to endure the circumstances that my life holds.  I might not have the self respect and the faith sufficient to this life.  I guess we never really know for sure until we get through it.

But for today, I am grateful for all the stories and symbols of rebirth and renewal.

It's not at all surprising to me that AA members of old and today borrow heavily from the Christian perspectives of Christmas and Easter.  It was much more, in my opinion, than cultural familiarity and convenience. The metaphor for what they were seeing spring up around them in their meetings and their "work" with others could best be described as true expressions of "rebirth" and "miracles."

To Carl Jung, what I see every Saturday night at my home group with more than 100 people could only be called "phenomena." (BB p. 27)

For today, I will attempt to notice, appreciate and honor the miraculous in my life and others and see what I can do to stand with the courage and convictions of those before me.  Maybe that's the best observance I can offer this Easter.

...and, also, remember to say thank you, and appreciate that this life is not all about me...

Spring again, maybe...

So, we had 12 inches of snow on Friday, 65 degrees yesterday (the snow's mostly gone), and we're likely back to more snow tomorrow.

We're going to ignore all that looks like leaves and trash around the pretty posies in the picture, right?

As Mary writes of fall as relief for the oppressive summer, I keep trying to find a toe-hold of optimism in spring.  And then, the weather fails us again.  That whole circle-of-life thingy just doesn't seem to do it (provide the answer and solution I need/want), some days.

I think that's why I'm encouraged to place my faith, belief, trust in something that is bigger than all the circumstances in my life.  Bigger than my family.  Bigger than my job and the relationships I have.  Bigger than the politics, society and culture in my land.  Bigger than the weather.

Today, with any luck at all, I will have a chance to grow that faith.

Artist?

Of the frustrations if my life, all the artistic endeavors I've failed at are sometimes hard to endure.  I've failed at accomplishing numerous musical instruments, voice, drama, photography, painting (and innumerable other arts and craft media), sculpting, pottery, writing (prose and poetry), dance - basically, about any artistic effort I attempted, I've come up so far wanting for talent that it's been impossible for me to continue.  I know, if I practiced more or invested more, I might have more acceptable results but, thus far on this 57-year journey, I've just not been able to accept something as my true, artistic expression.

I can appreciate many (most) forms of art, but can't seem to satisfactorily participate in any of them.

...yet.

Who knows, I'm still breathing, right?

Anyway, it occurred to me over the past couple of weeks where I've been wallowing in more than my fair share of self pity, it seems there's one aspect of my life that I've elevated to my own art form.

Fear.

OK - if anyone is of the perspective that their thinking of sadistic applications to others using chain saws and whips or whatever, that is NOT what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about a peculiar, perverse, almost artistic ability to create fear when faith is a more reasonable and rational response.

Example:  I'm afraid that my financial needs will not be met.

For 26 years in sobriety, I've almost constantly had this fear.  Back when I had over $50k of consumer debt and I was making about $20k/year as well as when I was making $130k/year and was putting money in the bank.  When I had $50k in the bank and when I was overdrawn.  The fear has been roughly the same. 

Even back in my drinking days, I can find dozens of times when my needs were more than met as a consequence of impossible things happening from unexpected places (a new job, an unexpected gift or bonus, etc.) which saved me from the doom I was certain was imminent.

My ability to express fear when there is all this evidence that God has always cared for and protected me - even when I've certainly screwed things up as badly as I possibly could have at the time. - certainly could be understood as an art form.  Where I more rationally could have expressed trust and faith, I create fear.  Many times (most times?) with no real evidence in support of the basis for that fear.

I could go through the other 5-10 fears that are thematic throughout my life, but I've resisted, so far, the use of this blog as a 5th step surrogate.  I will continue to review these fears with my sponsor instead.  The point of this article is to point out the pride my ego takes in creating fear - almost, I would presume, the same sort of pride the artist takes when he/she steps back from their completed work.

It's not the medium that I would have chosen as an artist, but I certainly have elevated the manufacture of fear to the level of an art form.

Opposite that fear (in addition to the faith and trust) is the hope that it can and will be different.

I'm counting on that for today.

AA works...

Fear and ....

I had a long chat with my sponsor last night.  It truly was evidence of how this thing (AA) works in my live today.

Our general subject was fear.  Specifically, my fears.  About: my finances, my work, my physical health, my relationships, my AA program, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my spirituality, my mental health, the government, our economy, our world, the climate, the weather, my safety...  I think we pretty well covered a lot of them.

Me.

Anyway, at the end of this litany, he related his experiences in early sobriety (I hate it when he does that - doesn't he know I'm 25 years past that? sigh...) and he suggested that I write a list - start into a fear inventory.

I have a sponsee that has a paper taped to the bottom of his computer screen that says (in large type)

" ... We never apologize for God.  Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do.  We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.  At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB p. 68)

There's seldom a week that goes by that I don't relate to at least one sponsee or another that process of "outgrowing fear" - the essence of coming into "being that H would have us be".

Yet, for the recent past, fear has once again taken hold of my life in a serious way.  It pretty much fully defines what I do and don't do.

Me.

So, today I'm making a list and only half-heartedly believing that the process which has "worked" the last several dozen times I've done it will, in fact, work again.

Or, at least, I think I hope so...

Transitions...

I had a sponsee in the past that taught me to "...pay attention to the transitions...". The context was "in life" but I've learned that it's applicable to all facets of my awareness.

I'm aware that, in our culture and society, we've diminished many of the celebrations that we (humankind) used to celebrate major milestones and transitions in our lives. For example:

1. At our local university, less than 1/3 of the graduating class participate in commencement ceremonies
2. In most relationships (my current one included), most couples think of living together as a matter of convenience or economically driven rather than having a marriage to demarcate a commitment and change in their lives
3. We have become so nomadic in our lives that a "house warming" or other notification of moving into a community (or out of a community) is the exception rather than the norm
4. Seasonal demarcations (e.g. solstice, equinox, etc.) and holidays are not universally accepted and some that generally are (e.g. Christmas, birthdays) are sometimes hijacked by commercial interests (I'm not saying here that commercialization is a bad thing but it diverts the focus from the transition that the event is about)
   

I could go on but it just seems, as a culture, we just presume we drift from one thing to another and it should just "not be any real big deal". In fact, locally, folks that hold to the old traditions of celebrating milestones fully are seen as sort of weird.

I do the same thing - I presume that I should be able to just move, change jobs, change relationships, watch the seasons come and go, health come and go, see new life, see death, etc. - without it affecting me in any way. It's not that the neutrality that I aspire to is bad or wrong - it's that I go way past neutral to where I expect to remain asleep - numb - to changes. Small or major.

So, I think I'm supposed to "notice" the transitions. I'm supposed to tell the truth about them.

There is a sadness that I feel in the fall - death - discomfort - different types of work. Change.

I don't think I need to follow that into the quagmire of depression. But I do try to be honest about it.

In my work, I move between several (sometimes a couple dozen or more) different tasks in a day. My day works out better if I notice the completion of each task, thank God, then notice and fully give myself to the next task.

At odds with this (for me) is the whole myth (for me) of multi-tasking. I've always believed that I was really good at multi-tasking. I've often been praised for it. However, I've noticed that my life works much better, and I get more done, if I completely give myself to one task at a time.

It's an old idea that has died slowly - but, I've tried to appreciate and notice that transition as well.

Yikes!!!

We are registered for the International.

We have plane reservations for the wrong days but they can be changed - it will cost us as much as the cheap fares we've paid for.

We can't get a hotel on the River Walk.

We have a few friends who have reserved multiple rooms in outlying hotels but don't have them allocated yet so I think there might be someone out there who has our room reserved for us. If you know of such a deal, please let me know. If you don't want to post a comment, please send me a private email (available on my profile).

Now, what's the principle involved here...????

Four months until Christmas...

I find myself mourning the end of summer and wondering where my life is going.

Since I've yielded to this whole "spirit led life" perspective, I've been off-balance and unwilling to admit how much I'm bothered by this apparent lack of control in my life.

Yet, in many ways - indeed - in most ways, my life is infinitely better than anything I would have designed or planned.

I am very much a slave, a "victim of the delusion that (I) can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if (I) only manage well?" (BB p. 61) I wish I were different, but it's the way I know. It's never worked. It will never work. But, I feel that my happiness and satisfaction will come at my own hand or not at all.

I thank God today that I can see this for what it is - my threadbare character defects wheezing back into life around the places that my fears welcome them.

The truth is that time will march on in accordance with it's usual order. The circumstances in my life will not be any more certain at Xmas than they will be later today. My world, as I view it, can change in an instant or muddle along for decades. I don't get to chose what that will all look like.

...and, that, today, is the good news...

4 Horsmen...

This morning, I woke up (more like "came to") in a distantly familiar place. I could feel the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse bearing down on me in my early consciousness and, I've got to tell you, I don't like it any more now than I did 25 years ago when it was an every morning ordeal.

Terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair - yep, that pretty much sums it up...

What happened, you might ask? I'm certainly asking that...

Best I can figure, whatever I've been doing and not doing to maintain conscious contact with a power greater than me sufficient to recover from alcoholism has not been enough.

...or, maybe it has...

One of the things I like least about this path that I'm on is that I don't get to choose my moods or my reactions to the circumstances in my life the way I think I should. For example, I could say that the fear that drives some of that darkness is evidence of a lack of faith, so all I need to do is increase my faith. I could say that the selfishness that ranges wild over my perspectives when I'm in this mood is evidence of a need for more gratitude and service so I could write gratitude lists and accept yet another service commitment.

Except that, I am generally grateful, I have a life full of service commitments and I believe that, unless God gives me the power that I need, I am totally screwed.

So, why the visit of my 4 familiar nemeses this morning?

The last time I went through this for some length of time and I talked about it some with some close friends in AA, they diagnosed it as a Prozac deficiency and strongly suggested that I seek a prescription to "fix" these moods. I am all for Prozac and psych medications and I know dozens of folks in the AA program who's lives and spiritual paths have been greatly improved by appropriate medications. But, after long discussions with my AA sponsor and much prayer, I decided to wait a little longer before seeking that kind of help.

And, over time, it got better...

So, that's the best that I can hope for today - according to my past experience, this too shall pass. I'd like it to pass because the reasons either in me or in the circumstances of my life were improved so as to eliminate all possible cause of the fuel for those moods. I think and believe that time will come - but perhaps not before this mortal body ceases functioning on this earth.

It's already passed some this morning - I'm sensing the relief. I could not possibly have written this article at 6:30 this morning.

Thank God for progress...

Philip...

The funniest call I had last week was a call from Philip.

He called me out of the blue last Thursday from our local detox. A member of my home group had been at a meeting in this detox on Wednesday and given my name and number to him as a "sponsor".

Philip is in a new program that they have at the detox where they try to transition folks from jail back into the community by connecting them up with "real" support such as getting them engaged in the AA community as opposed to just handing them a meeting list.

As Philip was explaining his situation and I was talking some about AA, he seemed willing and interested and sober. I was tied up or out of town Thursday and Friday but asked him if he could get out to go to my home group on Saturday.

He said that he could get a pass as long as I was going to meet with him (his case worker called to verify our plan) and they'd put him in a taxi or give them bus tokens to get there.

I was amazed! Damp drunks delivered right to your door or wherever you wanted and then picked up and returned when you're done with them. What a service! I've always had to go get them and then try to get rid of them when you're done with them.

I've mused on this all week: "...gee, I'm feeling a little low today. Maybe I should just call the detox and see if they can drop off a drunk for an hour?" It seems like maybe God has found a way to truly bless those of us in AA without our having to venture to hospitals or sordid places...

Anyway, Philip and I have met a couple of times and talked on the phone every day. I know more than he does that the odds are definitely against him but I see the miracle of awareness starting to dawn on him.

I just love my life...

Resentment...

A few years ago, when I was working with yet another alcoholic who didn't think they had any resentments, I came up with a description of a symptom of resentment that seemed profound (I must have heard it at an AA meeting somewhere since everything I have that's profound comes from someone else...):

"If you find yourself having an angry conversation with someone who is not actually there (either out loud or in your head) - chances are, you have a resentment."

Lately I've found myself having lots of those conversations. With my kids. With my sponsees. With myself. With bloggers. With other members in AA. With my wife. Especially with my wife...

I also noticed that I've written 3 times about the 4th step in the past 2 weeks. Huh.

I also noticed that it's been 3 weeks since I connected in any depth with my sponsor. Huh.

I would certainly like to know why, against my best thinking and best intentions, I can still sometimes get sick from this disease...

At least, today, I know something about how to recover from that...

I love this program...

Lists...

I started working with a new sponsor about 2 years ago. This was after my sponsor for ab0ut ~15 years fired me when I was at one of my lowest points in sobriety but, hey, I'm over all that now...

Anyway, since he's a long distance sponsor (not recommended but how it worked out for me), it took us several months to develop much of a rapport or comfortable way of checking in on the phone.

During this time, my life was aflame and I was (nearly) completely frozen and unable to show up in any way I thought was responsive to the pack of wolves who seemed to be constantly howling at my door. I was working my program as best I could, showing up as best I could, doing all the stuff I know to do but was absolutely stuck - if you've been around a while, you probably know the place: "...yes, I know I said I would do 'X' and had every intention to do 'X' when I got up this morning and, well, it's now the end yet another day and 'X' is still not done..." What 'X' is, really doesn't seem to make much difference in my life - could be write a 4th step, apply for a job, make a phone call, take a walk - stuck is stuck.

It was a bad time...

So, I went to an inspiring AA conference, got my legs under me and had a new spiritual experience and great enthusiasm and decided what I needed was a new "accountability". I would make myself wholly accountable to my sponsor (actually, a surrogate since he was too busy at the time to commit to multiple phone calls a day...). I created a list of goals and pinned them down to dates and was ready to begin my life anew.

I remembered that phone call yesterday when Syd made a comment about lists on my blog article of yesterday...

Me: "I called to make sure you got my emails of goals and accountability for the next few days"
Sponsor: "um, yeah..."
"So, I know it seems sort of simple but I just thought I would start out slow and as I get my stride back, I can expand my goals and commitments as necessary..."
"(silence)"
"So, I will create a web site where I've got all these tasks lined out and you and ____ can verify what my progress is each day..."
"(silence)"
"...so, as I see it, each one of these tasks will be traceable and I can see my real progress on the several area where I've been stuck for the last few months..."
"(silence)"
"...eventually, the web site could look sort of like a project management system where the critical path of my life can be progressed as each task is completed..."
"(longer silence)"
"........so, I'm really excited about getting my life back into some kind of shape..."
"(really long silence)"
"(silence)"
"(indefinite but probably infinite silence...)"
"So, do you have any sort of thoughts about this...?"
"Well, I'm thinking about what we talked about the difference between a spirit-led life and 'trying to wrest satisfaction from life by managing better...' "
"Yeah, but..."
"I was thinking about the difference between being spirit-led and ego driven..."
"OK..."

A little further in the conversation...

"So, there's not going to be a list of tasks, huh?"
"nope."
"There's not going to be a daily check in for accountability?"
"Only with you and God in your nightly review..."
"Probably not really a need for that web site or anything like that..."
"nope."

He might have saved my life...

Ed

Starting over...

One of the useful things I find in publishing a blog is that it provides me a place to put those unfinished conversations that I seem to have around in my head all the time. For example, I try to take my responsibilities as a sponsor pretty seriously and I find myself often reflecting on what was said, not said and could have been worded better. Many times I seem to take that to the web and inflict it on everybody (or nobody) who drops by here.

Please don't take me wrong - I get it that that all I did to qualify myself as someone who's a sponsor is drink myself to the edge of death or insanity, not die, and live a new life as a recovered alcoholic in AA totally by God's grace. I marvel that the trust that's put in me as sponsor is similar to those who have skill, intelligence and training that seem far more useful than what I have to offer but if God is God in my life and others' lives, I understand that I can sometimes be useful as someone's sponsor and that's just a gift. But, I digress...

So, I have someone who regularly comes by at 6am on Thursdays and we did our deal today one more time. He's in the familiar position of dealing with old behaviors (we're shocked that he's on his 9th step... ;-) ) and the consequences they wreak in his life. I've been working with this dude for almost 3 years now and he's coming up on ~3 months sober this time around. I've got to admit, more than once I've thought that he might be of the constitutionally incapable variety but, again, my job is to only offer what my sober experience has been.

...and that is, when you fall down, you get up and start over...

I thought I was pretty unique in the AA world a few years ago when I found the nobility and the usefulness in the Myth of Sisyphus - as I march down the hill to push the rock up one more time, I realize that my purpose is just that. I get to have all the nobility of the absurd position that I've created for myself - I get to be who my higher power would have me be. What I do is no more or no less than pushing a rock for all eternity.

No, I'm not unique - I'm just one more drunk on the bus.

...who's been given a gift that the only appropriate response for is "thank you..." - for a chance to start over and be grateful for ALL that has graced my life...

...and, that just makes sense to me today...

Ed

This stuff doesn't happen to me...

I've been sober for over 25 years and (conservatively) have been to over 175 conferences, roundups and workshops and heard 100's of great AA and Al-Anon speakers. I'm a junky for the fantastic, dramatic stories of how God works and heals lives and provides for his children miraculously.

I can think, off hand, of at least a dozen people whom I've heard where a point comes in their story where the despair is overwhelming, the hopelessness has about claimed it's victory, and people are asking for oblivion. Then, out of the blue, they open their mailbox and there's a check that's exactly the amount of the grocery bill or the rent or whatever...

As much as I love these stories and believe them to be the God's honest truth, there's always been more than a thread of skepticism that's lead to thoughts or comments like "...or, they could have gotten a job..." or, "...yeah, right, I think I'll just quit my job and wait for the mailbox to fill up with money..." My cynical nature may not be my most endearing feature but it's been a part of my most enduring character defects.

So, yesterday, I was in a funk. Seems to be some of that going around in the blog world these days so I didn't think much of it. I was startled to realize I'm going to have to come up with $4k in property taxes this week (good God, where does the time go!!!) and I'm still not making any income to speak of and the 3-50 projects or ideas I have for income don't seem to be getting any traction and it was the anniversary of Columbine and a web site that is launching is still not "complete" and I don't like how my wife is speaking to me and I'm late with at least a dozen spring projects and my allergies are bugging me... Well, there was no real reason, I was just in a funk and in some fear.

I opened the mail and there was a check for $12,070.27.

Back when I had a title in corporate America, they gave us lots of stock options. Since they'd decided they could do that and give us titles and options instead of cash (would that I had the intelligence to have been in line for the bonuses they're doing now... ;-) ) I regarded them as the worthless pieces of paper that they are. In the 7 years since they laid me off, I occasionally get paperwork that sometimes I remember to send in, sometimes I forget and usually, if I send it in, I wind up with a check for somewhere between $.26 (no joke) to ~$12. So, when I send in the paperwork, I'm just going through the motions so that they stop sending me paperwork.

I was surprised. I felt the sob at the back of my throat.

I think what the funk really was about is the fear (based on a core, belief - a certainty), that my life is about to collapse. That, what God has done for me for over 25 years is a joke and the punchline (which is not going to be good for me, I know this) is imminent.

I think I have some lessons to learn...

As Pam said earlier, God is good...

Ed