Nunca! Nunca!

I attended another Spanish speaking AA meeting yesterday.  A 3-1/2 hour meeting (no breaks) followed by a 1-hour feast/fiesta really takes a bite out of your day - it's especially tiring when you've already been sitting in meetings for the whole weekend.

It was important to attend though in that one of the pillars of that community (Spanish-speaking AA) was celebrating his 26 years of sobriety.  He's been a good friend to me and many others - there were about 150 people there from all over the state.

Since I don't speak Spanish, these meetings are hard for me but there is so much I can learn.  I see what they do as largely an AA Public Information pitch for families and friends in addition to an AA meeting.

The format runs something like this:

1. After the starting rituals (prayer, reading, etc.), they invite some of the new people (under 30 days) up to share.  While they talk about "...really meaning it this time..." and "...going to try harder...", some of the audience laugh and catcall him - suggest they probably aren't really done - etc.
2. Then people (mostly men) with generally increasing lengths of sobriety and experience, share what they did to get and stay sober and how their lives have changed.
3. Then (about 2+ hours into the deal), they call special guests to share - people who are General Service Representatives, District Committee Members, Intergroup officers, the area Delegate, etc. about what AA is and is not and how it has impacted their lives and honoring the person celebrating.
4. Next family members are given a chance to talk.  A brother who had 2 years sober at one time and would love to get sober again but just can't seem to make it through a day without drinking.  A sister who came from Oklahoma just to say that she is proud of her brother and grateful to AA,  Alanon members, kids, grandkids, cousins, everyone is given a chance to say what they think of the birthday boy or anything at all.
5. Finally, the target of this celebration is given the chance to talk.

As he walked to the podium, tears were already streaming down his dark, handsome face.  Even with my exceedingly poor Spanish, I could clearly hear much of what he shared: "Nothing! Nothing! could have prepared me for so much love and gratitude from the miracle of what AA has done for me and my family!!!" ; "...all that I am today, all that I have today, all that I will ever be, I owe to AA...";  "...from a life of hopeless dispair and nothingness, I am now the happiest man in the world, thanks to AA...";  "...AA and God never gave up on my, long after I'd given up on myself..."

I hope you get the idea.  Not a dry eye anywhere.

Then, this community who are mostly unemployed or work below minimum wage, fed us all.

Rich, thick, meaty mole. Hearty green chili.  Pasta.  Fresh tortillas.  Cake.  All homemade and delicious.

As embarrassed as we were, it was clear that we would offend them if we didn't take extra plates of food home.

My heart is still full.  This "work" that we do in AA is important.  For ourselves and, more importantly, for others.  AA can and will change my life if I let it.

And, it tastes good too...

About me...

I sometimes get the mistaken belief that my life and what I do in it has something to do with me.  Imagine!

Yesterday, I fought myself all the way to show up for a job that I'd put off since last October.  Just think of it as a heavy ball and chain around my neck that gets heavier every day since October.  To say I was dreading it and the dread was increasing was just such an understatement.

But, God is good, and by His grace I showed up with the best attitude I could muster.  The weather was predicted to change and I wanted to make progress before that happened.

When I work, I often leave my cell phone aside as I often make bad decisions (compromising my safety or ability to get work done) about when to accept calls.  I noticed a former sponsee was calling and I was in between tasks so I took the call.

He works at a detox and had just spent some time with a "live one" who he wanted me to meet.  We talked briefly, set up something for after the weather changed and I started back to work.

I noticed another former sponsee was calling during another work lull.  I had not spoken to this guy in over 5 years.  I was surprised my phone directory still had his number and that he was still at that number.  He called because a mutual friend (and, another former sponsee of mine - we'll call him Don), was out and having a hard time getting back to the program.  We talked about Don, caught up a little, he thanked me for saving his life, tears were shed, we made a nebulous plan to grab some coffee, typical stuff.

I prayed a bit and called Don.  I think it sort of creeped him out a bit initially because he was just looking up my number to call me.  He talked about needing to "get back into the book..."  (some jargon we use around these parts) and get back to the solution he'd found a few years ago.  His was the typical story of the life that AA had given him taking him away from the solution that AA had provided.  We talked some about the nature of the disease, the problems with reservations and ego, problems and solutions.  We laughed and cried a little, made a plan to get together, and I connected him up with another sponsee who lives in his town.

I finished up the part of the work that I had to get done just as the weather was bearing down and, still dirty, headed out to the detox to meet the new guy.  We talked for nearly two hours about willingness and life.  He might be ready.  I hope so.  Of course, the similarity of our stories was sort of, well, again, creepy.

I so get that my life really has precious little to do with me...

On a good day...

This was the best day recently...

Sponsorship 4...

We had one of the best jail AA meetings we've ever had at the facility I'm at monthly last night.  However, increasingly I feel we do folks a dis-service to attempt to have a regular AA meeting behind the walls.  As I've shared here in the past, this meeting has gone from behaving like an AA meeting to completely off the wall and now seems to vary somewhere in between.

It doesn't take much to figure out why:

1. Most (probably 95%+) of the folks there are really unclear about what AA is and what it is not
2. As I am only there once every month (and most of the other volunteers rotate the same), it's hard to "own" a program when as many as 75% of those attending rotate through in a month
3. Few of those that generally attend (including those who chair) identify as alcoholics
4. Occasionally, we have well-meaning case managers who "require" their charges to to come to the AA meetings

So, as we went around the room with the 8 people there last night (thankfully, case managers seem to not be requiring meeting attendance now), it was a small miracle that everyone shared and at least 2-3 of them might be willing to look for a solution to their drinking problems while outside.  One of them mentioned how he wished they could get AA sponsors to work with them while they are incarcerated.

I've been thinking for a long time what might serve these guys and AA a lot better would be to either develop a sponsorial relationship with them or to have a weekend workshop where we could completely explain the AA program of recovery and even get them started working on the 12 steps.  Both these have faced huge security roadblocks in the past.

In other areas, AA meetings are being shut down in prisons.  The reasons are varied and beyond what I want to go into here but it occurred to me last night that, in many cases, it might actually be a good thing for AA and the inmates to finally shut this meeting down.  Rather than experience what, to me, is often a caricature of what an AA meeting is, they could instead learn about an AA program of recovery that could help them sober up while locked up and then join the fellowship when released.

Hard to know.  As I related in that other article, up to 100% of them committed their last crime while drinking so I keep thinking that, at worst, what this meeting may be or become is some sort of Public Information opportunity.  As to a real solution, these guys need one-on-one time with someone who can take them through the program of AA as outlined in our Steps, Traditions and, Concepts.

For now, I pray that God's will be done and that, when that moment of Grace meets that moment of oportunity, they can and will find a solution in their lives.

I hope that God can handle that.

I think he can.

Sponsorship 3...

One of the things that I've found myself least successful at is "...sponsoring others into AA service..."  I've been active in AA service at many different levels - from group to Area, as well as sponsorship itself - for at least 23 of the past 26 years.  Far from the drudgery that many people understand "service" to be, I've found it a vital and continuing part of my growth in recovery.  It's seldom been painless, but, as the way of my life has often gone, I couldn't have gotten from there to here over any other road.  It has been drudgery at times, but my life's most fast friends today are all folks who I got connected with through AA service gigs.

It's puzzling to me why so few people get engaged in some level of AA service.  I heard my wife (also in AA) make a statement today that "...It used to be that you took your AA service commitments very seriously and, as a part of that, you learned to take yourself less seriously.  Today the sentiment largely seems to be that I have to take myself seriously and that the only service I will do is what's fun and easy for me."

Evidence of her belief: our local District is hosting a "game night" to promote AA unity and fun.  Used to be the only thing we did as a District were things that directly furthered the causes and purposes of AA.

Interesting.

I don't think they are "wrong" for having a fun event - or even having a fun event sponsored by an AA District.  What I marvel at is that, among my current slate of sponsees, so few (about 1/2) can seem to make time in their busy, recovered, lives to do 12-step work, PI work, take meetings into jails or anything that gets in the way of their busy, recovered, lives.

The fact that I see my life and my program in almost the opposite terms - I do what I do as a consequence of and often because of my commitment to AA - and they choose another path sometimes feels like I've failed them and the program.

On the other hand, I'm sober today and so are they.

I guess AA works.

I hope so.

Mom...

In about 15 minutes, I leave to pick up my mother.  We "do lunch" about once a week.  I don't even think about these times without reflecting on Pam's chapter with her mom last year.

My mom may outlive us all.  She's a feisty 88 years young but she's getting more frail each week and month.  She's happier today than I've ever known her in my life.  About 12 years ago, she moved from my home town (where she lived for nearly 70 years) to a senior apartment in the town where we live.  I suppose most people think she moved to be closer to me but her real reasons for moving were: 1) she was "done" with that small town, 2) she wanted to simplify her life (sell her house, etc.) and, 3) as her luck would have it, she lives on the 10th floor of a rent controlled senior residence with a gorgeous mountain view.  She's living today a life that she had only dreamed of a few years ago with lots of senior activities and a bunch of fellow curmudgeons that can always find something or someone to gripe about.

As I've pointed out in a few previous articles, we all get a kick out of the fact that, if you ask her, the biggest problem she has today is that her son (me) doesn't come to visit her often enough.  In fact, she will probably let you know that even if you don't ask her.

I have understood it for a number of years that this part of our life is not at all about me doing whatever it would take to please her.  I have a lifetime of experience and numbers of AA inventories to assure me of the futility of that.  What I get is the great privilege to do what I can to be "complete" with her.

A few years ago, a spiritual guide shared that, when he made his amends to his mom, she stopped him and said: "Son, all I've ever wanted for you in my life was for you to be 'happy'."  So, for 30 years, he stopped by her house every Sunday and was "happy" - regardless what was going on with him and his life. That's the model that I strive to follow.

My sponsor and I had a long chat Wednesday night.  We covered an area of my life where I've suffered great frustration for at least 20 years.  It is at the core of my identity.  After a thorough discussion of the truth around my frustration, we talked at some length about St. Francis.  We talked way too much for my comfort about "giving with without expectation."  We both came to the conclusion that I can't do that.  I've never been able to do that and will likely never be able to do it.  So, unless God changes something fundamental in me and my universe, it will never change - I will die a selfish death as a result of my alcoholism.

So today, mom and I will have a perfect lunch.  As is our style, we might wind up spending the whole afternoon on the quest of the next great health aid.  I will probably hear more about bowel movements and aches than I ever intended to hear.  I will get to adore her enough that she can't escape the fact that she is special and loved.

(later - couldn't finish without being late)

Our "mission" today was to have included lunch and then run an errand to her doctor's office.  Imagine our shock when after we'd successfully beat the lunch rush by getting there at little before noon, we finished lunch and realized the doctor's office was closed from noon to 2pm.  What to do?

We got 3 plastic glasses she needed at the dollar store (3 for a dollar), went to 2 grocery stores to get the pumpkin she wanted, went for a quick drive into the foothills to see the deer, got her pills at the doctor's office (yes, they're the same ones carried at probably 20 other stores in our town) and went to her place so that I could open her jars of sauerkraut and beets.  It was a pretty typical day with mom.

The same spiritual guide that I mentioned before talked about his frustration when his elderly father would have him drive all over Denver so that he could cash in his free battery coupons at Radio Shack - one battery at each store.  He never really used many (if any) of the batteries but he was the battery go-to guy for the family.  My guide was complaining about these incredible monthly journeys to his sponsor when his sponsor asked him: "...didn't he do something special for you when you were young?"  He tearfully remembered the times that he had his father drive him all over Denver to find a 10-cent comic book he wanted and never complained about the battery trips again.

Part of the ritual of these deals is for mom at some point to express how terrible she feels about taking me away from my day.  I doubt that she's really all that sincere about her regret but it seems to be what she needs to say as a part of the dance we do.

I think when I left today, mom felt a little bit special.

I hope so.

Service...

The host committee for the 2010 AA International Convention is now soliciting volunteers.  I promised last year that I would post this information as soon as I became aware of it.  As I pointed out in a previous article, while I love our International Conventions, I have survived more than one of them by taking a service commitment while there.

It looks like there's volunteer opportunities on the web site for both AA's and Al-Anon's.

We are signed up (I think you have to register for the convention before you can sign up to volunteer - there's a link to that on the volunteer page).  Knowing the folks from Texas AA as I do, you might want to sign up soon so that they don't take all the volunteer opportunities away from the rest of us. ;-)  There are literally volunteer opportunities 24 hours a day.

As much as I love you all in cyberspace, I am very much looking forward to seeing about 50,000 of you in San Antonio this summer.

A word on the side - thanx so much for those of you who offered your support and encouragement in comments and email related to my last post.  As we seem to have all figured out together, there is no absolute "lesson" in John's awful actions but the only sane response is love and compassion for the families involved.  ...and, for John.  Sadness is just a part of the deal - and, I think I'm too inclined to simply leave it there - milk the drama and the emotion and not move from there when it's time.

AA works.

AA Works...

I had a private email conversation with one of my favorite people the other day about how much information and opinion came up against AA when you searched for information via Google.  It started my head running down a path that seems to have been similar to many in the fellowship.

At my meeting last night, our speaker mentioned that "...of the dozens of guys he's sponsored through the years, about 1/2 of them recover from alcoholism..."  What's fascinating to me about his observation is exactly what I've heard stated from no less than a dozen different members in the past month - each with more than 10 years' experience on this path.  It's also roughly my experience (plus or minus about 15% - I've never tallied exactly).

AA is criticized in the blogosphere and  elsewhere because several studies have indicated that as few as about 1 in 20 folks who come to an AA meeting find a solution to their drinking problem.  The opinion then runs that this is even less than the number of people who simply decide to stop drinking at some point - and successfully do.  For that reason, they conclude that this thing doesn't work.  Some then conclude a whole bunch of other things.

I don't know if my friend has had other conversations around the blogosphere but there are at least 2 articles I came across this morning that are trending along with my thoughts.  Mary in Africa, one of the most talented authors I follow regularly, talks about "Asking the harder questions."  Danny, a blogger I generally follow but don't include in my BlogRoll because sometimes his tone is a little more harsh than I'd like to recommend (I'd happily go on a 12-step call with him though!), actually published an article written by Cliff, a member I know from another forum.  This article I think explains better than I've read recently why AA works for some better than others.

This has come close to motivating me once again to write that chapter I feel was left out of our Big Book: "Why it Works."  In my saner moments, I fully appreciate this chapter was left out for a reason.  However, my character defects still cry out when I see the program that I love - which clearly has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams - criticized or potentially diminished based on unjust appraisals.

What I've learned to do instead is simply to listen.  With gratitude in my heart for the grace that has given me my recovery, I can hear others' experience and appreciate their frustrations and when requested, offer my experience.  On a really good day, I can keep most of my opinions to myself.

AA works.

Pray for me...

I got a call last night from Little Greg.  You probably have a Little Greg around some of your meetings.  He now has over 11 years of sobriety in AA but he's been around over 25 years.  He's put the touch on most everybody over the years in his several "careers."  He's been (off the top of my head) a truck driver, an actor, in charge of maintenance, a deliveryman, a store manager, a baggage handler - a long list of attempts to re-invent himself and get into a new life.  I can remember at least 5 times when he's had a car, a nice place to live, everything was going his way and then, suddenly, it all falls apart.

It's not his fault.  Ever.

He is a victim.

Greg lived with us for a couple of months 2 years ago.  He was in the middle of rebuilding his life one more time and it was great to see that it was all going so well for him "this time."  We finally had to set a time for him to move out (before he could afford it...) but, well, we were just done with him.  And, it seemed like several things had conspired to make this a good time.

He has as strong a grasp of the AA program as anyone I know.  He's been sponsored by men I consider heroes in AA.  He can cite chapter and verse about selfishness and self-centeredness,  spiritual awakening and service.

Last night, Little Greg was standing in the cold in the line to get into the homeless shelter overflow in Denver.  We both knew he was only about 45 minutes away from my house if I chose to drive down and pick him up and bring him home to one of my warm, empty, beds.  He didn't ask to come to my place.  He did ask if he "had anything outstanding for which he needed to make amends" - I thought hard (and prayed hard) and said "no - I think we're current."

We talked for about 30 minutes.  I noticed that he'd been able to get his cell phone turned back on (it'd been shut off earlier in the month) but I didn't mention that.  He complained extensively about how someone with 11 years and 8 months should not be living like this.  How he'd been put in this place by an injury and a medical system that wouldn't meet his needs.  About how long any sort of disability assistance would take to get in place.  He complained a lot.

I felt really bad for him and I shared that with him.  I assured him that I had no answers for him.  I shared the experience of a guy I sponsor who's living in a homeless shelter and where he's found opportunities to be of service there to those people.  I shared as openly and as honestly as I could.

At the end of the conversation, he said "I have a really selfish request of you." I held my breath - in the past, what has followed is a request for money or something else.  What he said was: "Will you pray for me?"

That was interesting.  I wasn't prepared for it but I got that it was the entirely appropriate request and the entirely appropriate thing for me to do.

...and, something I forget to do as often as I might...

I hope he's OK...

AA Renewal

I'm reluctant to post this here but it seems like I need to at least mention this on this blog for, well, I don't know - integrity?

There is a minority of folks in Alcoholics Anonymous who feel that AA may be sick as an organization and, perhaps, as a fellowship.  We are not sure what, if anything, could or should be done about it but we see symptoms of this illness in our meetings and our AA business endeavors (e.g. our service commitments).

We are not among those who feel the need to bash AA or that AA as an institution is actually harming people.  To the contrary, all of us involved in this thus far feel we owe our sobriety, our very lives to AA as it existed when we found it in that it led us to accept the grace of God and become spiritually awakened as a consequence of AA's program of recovery.

We are convinced that, if AA is to change (a big if), it will change as a consequence of people talking about what changes might be made at coffee around our meetings, at our groups' business meetings, at our assemblies and our General Service Conference.  What a few of us realized this past fall is that we wanted to have an area where we would be able to brainstorm and collaborate about what AA could do to fix what we feel are fundamental problems in our organization.

Or, perhaps what we know as "AA" today should just be allowed to disappear and that the next organization (if any) to come up will be born anew from the ashes of that old organization?

I don't know the answer.  I don't think anyone who's participated in this effort so far feels that we know all the answers.

What I do know is that, for me as a member of AA today, if AA were to pass into obscurity by, in part, my lack of action, I would wonder if "I should have done something..."  So, I am participating in this new site where we hope to be sorting out some of these thoughts.  Again, this is not a new "movement" or a set of folks who want to do anything other than seek some clarity about the hard issues we need to face and deal with as a fellowship.

Or deliberately decide not to.

So, if you care, check out aarenewal.org.  Participate and/or register if you want to.  Mention it to others if it seems useful.  Ignore it completely if it seems irrelevant or against your principles of participation in AA.

All that said, I think what I've generally been doing on this blog is completely separate from my participation on the aarenewal.org site.  While I might share my experiences as a sober member in both places, what I see is that this blog is only a reflection of my personal experience trying to apply the AA principles in an imperfect life.  That other space is a place we're trying to improve an organization we think is imperfect by applying these principles.  Related but not the same.

But, I thought some readers here might want to know something about where my head has been at when I'm not writing here...

More work...

Well, the meeting on the 12th step didn't go the way I'd expected last night (seldom does) but it was perfect as it happened.

However, it left me with this great passage from our BB that I didn't get to share there.  So, I thought I'd share it here today.  It's really the close of the chapter that I led with yesterday:

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.

Many of us keep liquor in our homes. We often need it to carry green recruits through a severe hangover. Some of us still serve it to our friends provided they are not alcoholic. But some of us think we should not serve liquor to anyone. We never argue this question. We feel that each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought to decide for themselves.

We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch-burners. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity. We would not even do the cause of temperate drinking any good, for not one drinker in a thousand likes to be told anything about alcohol by one who hates it.

Some day we hope that Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to a better realization of the gravity of the alcoholic problem, but we shall be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility. Drinkers will not stand for it.

AFTER ALL, OUR PROBLEMS WERE OF OUR OWN MAKING. BOTTLES WERE ONLY A SYMBOL. BESIDES, WE HAVE STOPPED FIGHTING ANYBODY OR ANYTHING. WE HAVE TO!"  (BB p. 102-3)

'Nuff said...

The Gift...

I was meeting with a sponsee this morning and we found ourselves again talking about the gift of desperation.

Something shifted for me recently.  I've been spending some time looking into and thinking about the varying statistics that are offered for explaining how successful the program of AA is.  I have found a great deal of discrepancy for claimed "success rates" for AA: ranging from factions in AA who boldly proclaim 80%+ success rates for those who follow "their way" of working our AA program to AA detractors who claim that AA's success for long term recovery is less than 10% or, about the same success rate as doing nothing for recovery - just quitting through will power alone.

If you look at even the most credible and statistically valid studies of how alcoholics recover, you can still find huge variations in the success rates and, worse, huge discrepancies about biases and and assumptions and caveats.  It seems that for every study, there are at least 2-3 folks who will explain why the data is not accurate.

I was talking this morning with my sponsee about why some of the folks in his circle, and particularly his sponsee, don't find in AA a successful solution for not drinking and creating a life without drinking.  This discussion wound up with the same conclusion that I had observed in my recent study and my over-all AA experience.

AA generally seems to work with a certain class of desperate alcoholics.  For others, it seems to not be effective.

...but, for he and I, AA has been 100% successful and given us a life beyond our wildest dreams.  For him, for 1-1/2 years, for me, 25+ years.

...and, for today, that seems to be the only statistic that we can really vouch for.

What a gift!!!

How it works...

On another site I "play around" with the AA program online, I started a minor s-storm by relating a recent experience at my home group.  From others' posts, I know that I'm not the only one who occasionally feels like I can get the hassles I find online in my face-to-face life so, like, why do I do this?

Anyway, as this storm was blowing around, I found it hard to post something here since my head had been pretty negative.  However, this came to mind today.  I posted similar articles in both forums...

Given:

"The AA Message" = "To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of ..." ("this book" is how it is written in the Big Book but, I think the implication from the conversations I've had recently is that we substitute "meeting" or "relationship" or "conversation" and extend to "the whole of AA")

How that works is (no particular order):

• meetings and other gatherings that are solution focused and have a clear sense of purpose aligned with our message (above)
  
• guidance by those who have had the experience of our path to recovery (some people call these "sponsors")
  
• individuals who are motivated to not drink (we don't supply that initial motivation), work a program of recovery carefully hidden in our Big Book in a chapter of the name of this post
• in the course of that program, they clean up their past and live differently henceforth
• as a part of that program, they learn of a way of life that includes "love and service"
• as a result of that program, they accomplish a spiritual awakening which orients them toward living by new principles in the world and places them in service to carry "the message" (see above)
  
• one of the many promises in our basic text is that, if people follow this program of recovery, they will become useful  - this is to be encouraged above all else (being useful to God and our fellows)
  
• we come to appreciate and apply the principles of the steps, traditions and, concepts as AA's 3 legacies of recovery, unity and service

At least I think that's how it works...

Internet and AA - blogs...

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

I've been writing a blog/journal for about 7 months and following AA related blogs for about 10 months.  This all started as a part of my investigation of AA principles and to observe what others had written about AA on the internet.

Back then, Google and Yahoo returned, as a part of my search results, several different blogs in response to "AA" and "Alcoholics Anonymous" searches.  There are also lists of blogs around recovery themes on AA related sites.  I found a few folks who had regular blogs that I could relate to their experience and I liked their style, read some of the blogs linked to off their pages and started following several  regularly.

I selected Google as a blogging platform because it seemed to be the largest free blogging site that seemed, at that time, to minimize commercial crap linked off my blog (if I so chose).

One could probably write several books about why people blog and what drives people to post articles to the internet on a daily basis.  In fact, as I was writing this article, Mary L. posted an excellent article which is far more studied and academic than I could muster about this part of the communication revolution.   Some generalities I've drawn from observing others' blogging and sharing their AA experience are:

1. People blog about their lives in and around AA for a number of different reasons. Those bloggers I follow who blog about their lives in AA regularly (daily or nearly every day) seem to track in some common themes:
1. Some just review their daily lives in recovery and try to share "what's up in my day" - probably bad meeting topics (in my opinion) but it's nice to hear and encourage one another (via articles and comments) along the way.  Probably more analogous to the sharing at coffee or between meetings than meetings, per se.
   
2. Some try to support AA and individuals in AA by encouraging folks toward working a program of recovery.
3. Some use their blog as a part of or a replacement for their personal journals of recovery.  Articles including "gratitude lists" are common.
   
4. Some try to entertain as well as (or sometimes instead of) intimate sharing of themselves.
2. While many blogs generally follow one of the tracks above, most vary.  Some vary daily.
   
3. It seems important for some to share intimately while others steer clear of honest intimacy - possibly due to privacy or anonymity concerns.  Of course, one of the truths about the interenet is that it's possible (probably likely, in AA circles) that some share dishonest intimacy ("Anyone can be a Las Vegas show girl on the internet...").
   
4. It is really possible to "connect" with people through their writing.  In 9 months, I've grown to care deeply about several individuals through reading of and about their lives.
5. I can see where some people, who probably are not able to get to meetings as easily as I, could substitute this sort of fellowship in their AA programs.
6. Occasionally (~4 times in 9 months in my circles), someone new to AA or sobriety tries to reach out for new recovery in this community.  The process online is much the same as at my home group - a few folks try to reach out and make suggestions about where and how to start.
   

When I review the above, I think the same could be generally said as I look around the room at any AA meeting I go to.  More on this in a later article....

When I started this blog, it was to explore the application of AA's principles in my own life and in an AA life in general.

My own experience blogging has left me with the following thoughts/perspectives (in no particular order):

1. It has been much more successful for me than keeping a "journal".  Even before my recovery started, I tried several times to keep a personal diary/journal and have failed miserably every time I've tried.  I just seem to have no discipline at keeping a journal but I have been able to write a blog article about 90% of the days for over 6 months.
2. Most of what I write is of the "what's on my mind" variety but I've written things that were important for me to share.  Since my sponsor lives out of town, this has been useful and probably kept me more "current" and "accountable" than I have been the past few years.
3. It is just damn hard for me to think of something worthwhile to share every day.
4. It is also hard to find the time to write something that is not total garbage in the middle of a busy life.
   
5. I often find it as important or more important to comment on others' articles than write one of my own.
6. My understanding of the principles in our wonderful program has increased.  Interestingly, these principles inform and support my online life as much as other parts of my life.
   
7. I've had an opportunity to "meet" some wonderful people I'd have never had the chance to connect with.
8. I've grown toward and become open to what seems to be "next" in my life.

So, as a result, there are pluses and minuses  in this experience.  On the plus side:

1. I've grown through both reading and writing in the blog community.
1. I've become a better typist.
2. I've learned some new words.
3. I probably express myself in writing better now than I did 7 months ago.
4. I've learned to not take myself too seriously in yet another venue.
   
2. I've learned to appreciate that our traditions apply online as well as in person and, when applied, lead to a better blog and blogging community.
3. I've "met" some new people I truly love.
4. I've felt useful.
5. It has contributed to my peace and serenity and hope.

There are also some negatives:

1. Blogging is clearly (for me) somewhat self-indulgent.  For this alcoholic, anything this self-centered can be dangerous.
2. It takes a lot of time.  On a good day, it can take about an hour to read the ~6-7 blogs I follow and generate an article.  On other days, it can take nearly a full day.
3. I have, in fact, avoided some "face" time with drunks or family in favor of participating in my blogging community.  While I'm listing this here as a negative (because I think it probably is for me generally), I don't think this is always negative - for me or others.
4. I really don't come here to get contrary views.  (e.g. I've deleted comments that were not in keeping with the spirit of what I'm about here.)  IF this were the only place I sought support in my AA program, I think I could get pretty sick.
5. Few bloggers seem to support any sort of "singleness of purpose" regarding their AA message in their blogs.  While this may be no more of a problem with blogging than it is in AA meetings and conventions, I believe that some, deliberately or inadvertently, may dilute their effectiveness in sharing AA by sharing other items outside of AA.
6. There are many, what I would call, "anonymity breaks" in the blog world.  I appreciate that not all would agree with my perspectives on either the definition of anonymity or the importance it has in the program of AA.

So, there are good and bad efforts in participation in AA, both in person and on the internet.  An AA General Service Trustee reported that one of the Area Delegates to the 59th General Service Conference in May was blogging about the proceedings as the conference was happening.  While I accept that this could have happened (in my opinion, some Delegates are less clued in than the average member about AA traditions and practices), I spent a good part of a day looking for such a blog and expect that, if it were true, it was in a blog that is not open to the public.

Tomorrow, I'll try to write an article on AA members' participation on social networking sites.

Doing right...

I've read Mary's and Pam's articles today on the 12th step and written another article on the 9th step. Caused me to think more than was good for me...

I love all our program. All of it.

I personally think that the 9th step in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is our most "spiritual" step.

Sounds sort of funny since the whole program is spiritual and step nine is, by most, either the most dreaded or the one sort of ignored in our recovery process.

For me, it was the step that afforded me the freedom to walk down the street without fear or dread. It gave me the freedom to look someone, anyone, in the eye and be at peace and ease.

It offered me the skills and the willingness to become a man among men - a station in life that I'd never even aspired to since I was absolutely sure I could never measure up to that lofty goal.

It's what truly gave me something of value that I could share with the newcomer today...

No, I don't believe that you don't have to complete your 9th step to start doing the 12th step (if you have a day's sobriety, you have some experience to share with some of the folks still struggling in some of my meetings).

On the other hand, if you've not experienced the joy of crossing the last name off your 8th step list having completed all your direct amends, then you're missing something that I would wish for you while you're on this planet...

...if, you're an alcoholic like me...

Being alive and new...

I was asked to give 2 - 10 minute talks at an AA workshop this afternoon and, I tried, but the first one was 20 minutes. So sue me. I didn't see anyone get drunk over it but it still felt intimidating and frustrating.

The second talk was only about 5 minutes so I figure I got to give some back.

The high points of my day were several conversations around and about this beloved fellowship.

The last one, after coffee after my home group meeting tonight, was with a DCM of our local Spanish language district. This district is the fastest growing part of AA in our Area (Area 10 - Colorado). He has been a good friend for 7 years. We've watched him catch on to our program and seen the results in him of a spiritual transformation.

The spanish folks have a huge propensity to sit around and argue about what they should be doing.

A few weeks ago, at a district meeting they decided they had to do something different or they were all going to get into trouble.

...so, today, they decided to go from bed to bed in one of our local community detoxes (where a lot of Hispanics land) and pass out meeting cards and talk with the patients "just like Bill and Bob".

I still am choked up thinking about it.

AA Celebrity

We had a special sort of man in our area a few years ago. At the time I first got to know him, he was an At-large Trustee for our AA's General Service Board. At that time, he was traveling the world over - he was gone from home more than 50 weekends a year at one AA function or another.

So, when he agreed to speak at my home group one of the few Saturday nights he was in town, I was in awe and we were honored.

I was then about 6-7 years sober and was a co-founder of my home group so it was sort of a big deal for me when I went to the church to open up and meet him.

When he came down the stairs, I introduced myself and expressed what a great honor it was to have "someone of his celebrity to speak to our group".

In the 15 years that I got to know him after that (quite intimately), that moment was the only time I ever saw his eyes flash anger at me.

He said "Don't EVER refer to me or treat me as celebrity!!! It will not only be harmful to me, it might diminish a chance for me to be effective in my message."

I gulped and agreed and, as I've already alluded to, a special, spiritual bond of friendship was begun.

Over the years, I saw what he meant. Against his admonitions to me and others, I saw him treated as a celebrity and "guru". (I'm sure, in his heart, he sometimes appreciated his special treatment and position) But, we do diminish the chance that some of our best have to reach those with such a gift to reach others when we create something out of them that they really neither ask for or want. It costs them deeply at several different levels.

I've sometimes wished it were my problem (I've never really been all that popular in any of my AA or life circles), but my friend and others on this path have given me a view of what a price can and is paid for making one of larger than life.

Today, my anonymity might be my greatest gift.

International Experience...

When I showed up at the 2000 International in Minneapolis, it was the 3rd International that I'd been to so I knew better than to show up without having a commitment to help out.

I love International conventions - I can't recommend them high enough but, you must understand, I am an introvert. If I go to a meeting and there aren't chairs to be put away or dishes to be done, I'm at some risk of being drunk before my wife, the extrovert, is ready to leave. So, from the previous 2 Internationals I'd learned that there are precious few chances to clean ashtrays or put away chairs so I needed to sign up in advance.

We got there a day early, attended a few meetings and, by Thursday afternoon, were in serious need of a "job". We got to our sign-up post 20 minutes early and our "supervisor" was annoyed enough that he basically gave us the assignment of "...just go out front and great people as they come in - help them find their way to registration..." - (implied: do anything - just get out of here - I think he was an introvert too...).

So, with no small amount of trepidation, I found myself in front of the convention center on a gorgeous July afternoon with hundreds of folks meeting and greeting.

I spotted my first victim!

I approached a black man, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable, in a green tee shirt, hugged him and said "...welcome to Minneapolis!!! Can I help you find something?"

He had the oddest look on his face as he sized me up and sort of awkwardly said "...well, no, I'm working over there (pointing to toward the building) and was just taking a break..."

Then I noticed that all the food vendors lined up against building wall had staffed their booths with folks in green tee shirts just like this dude...

He didn't say anything more to me but sort of kept his eye on me as he hurried back to his hot dog stand. I caught him staring at me a couple of more times in the afternoon.

The next 2 hours flew by as I talked to drunks from all over the world and helped them get registered, figure out where events were, and just chatted the afternoon away. But none was better than that first exchange. I wonder if he still tells his family about working that convention with those weird AA people....

I hope so...

Philip 6 ...

I marvel at how AA is with our newcomers.

Some people just show up and the room swarms to them and embraces them. Others, AA people are more tentative and aloof. Myself, when I showed up in my 3-piece suit and money hanging out of my pockets was pretty much left alone until people could notice if I was going to land anywhere soon or if I was always going to be "better than" until I just died. For the most part, people still leave me to myself 25 years later, but that's a different story...

I marvel at Philip and peoples reaction to him.

In the 3 months since he was delivered to me as a new newcomer (btw - when you search Google images for newcomer, you find that there are lots of people named Newcomer - imagine! All the gravestones for Newcomer bring interesting ideas in AA...), he's been seduced twice, picked up as a "project" a few times by well meaning men and women, gotten job offers (bogus and real) - i.e. he can't seem to show up in AA and just be left alone. This is good. But, it's interesting watching the over-all impact with him.

As the aftermath of his latest relapse of ~10 days ago subsides, he's found new willingness and I think ready to set aside some of the drama of life in early sobriety and start into working the AA program of recovery.

As I've written before, I've struggled trying to figure out how to be helpful with him. I've not done with him what I've done with new sponsees for the past 20 years - start at the beginning of the Big Book and go through it, line by line. Partly because of the peculiar nature of his situation (on a tight leash at the recovery center with lots of time on his hands and unavailable to regular meetings with me) and more because of changing perspectives I've had in my life and AA program.

But now, I think we're going to start at page 0 - you know, the blank cover leaf to the book that has nothing on it - which is all you know about alcoholism and living as an alcoholic when you start into this process...

...and then, we'll just see what happens...

Tuesday 5th...

I started off my morning this morning with a work out, then a sponsee of nearly 15 years (how time flies...) did a 5th step. What a way to get rocketed out of oneself and into a spirit led life.

My life today amazes me. Not the fact of some of these things that are happening to me, but the choices I make and the general path of my life.

For example, instead of "working to fix my financial problems" (my wife's words), I spend 2-3 hours in the most intimate sharing I've ever had with other men and then blog about it. Seems sort of like, insane.

But, it was what I was supposed to do so we did it...

The whole thing of a 5th step in AA astounds me. I marvel how probably doctors or clergy or psychiatrists or even lawyers probably hear the sort of things I've heard in 5th steps. They're educated, skilled and, have a definite purpose and are effective at helping people.

My only credential is that I drank myself to the edge of oblivion, ruined my and several others' lives and, found (through grace) a spiritual solution to a problem of a physical, mental and, spiritual nature. I don't even get to pick the spiritual solution that will work for them in that I've sponsored Christians (several brands), Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, atheists and every variation in between. In all my times through the steps, I've only found one person on roughly the same path I've followed.

Yet, using our steps and practicing our principles, many have found a solution sufficient to their malady.

Amazing...

Seventh tradition...

Probably the best "pitch man" I've ever heard around AA's Seventh Tradition was our area Treasurer a number of years ago. While, on balance, I think he was probably not our best treasurer (he had a hard time understanding the differences between the "books" of AA and other businesses or enterprises), when he talked about the nature and principles of our Seventh tradition, he seldom talked about money.

To him, this tradition was all about the privilege and opportunity of sacrifice, about truly "belonging" to something and, about choosing to participate.

When I first sobered up, I was counseled in the first few days that I was attending meetings that most people put a dollar in the basket but, if I didn't have a dollar, I could put in 50 cents. If I didn't have 50 cents, I could put in a quarter, a dime, a nickel - but, whatever I felt I could spare, that it would be appreciated and included to help "keep our doors open". They taught me that part of my "right" to be here was that I could participate at whatever level I felt I could afford.

Further, whether I would or chose to contribute financially or not, I could always clean, help with dishes, make coffee or otherwise make myself generally useful at our meeting place.

I look with sadness at my home group's largest meeting with over a 100 people in attendance and the basket often is passed 2 full rows without someone feeling enough ownership to contribute anything. I'm not sad for our meeting, we have a great deal on rent and we always seem to have plenty of money - at least for now. I'm sad for what seems to be a whole lot of our fellowship who don't choose to participate.

I try to think of this in all of my life. For much of my life, I was blessed with a good income where I could always "throw money" rather than show up and participate. Don't get me wrong, my whole family enjoyed the vacations, gifts (sometimes extravagant) and my slight-of-hand where I would always pick up the check for our outings. But, for now, that time is gone.

I've had to learn the same thing those deadbeats (I'm joking...) at my meeting need to learn. That, to participate and belong to something is one of the richest gifts life offers. The greatest joy of my life over the weekend was throwing nickles and dimes into the pool for my grandson to dive and get. No one seems to notice that it's not silver dollars or even quarters any more.

I think "self support" has everything to do with choosing to fully participate and the greater the sacrifice, the greater the blessings. Sometimes not blessings I would have sought out but always way bigger and grander than my little plans and designs.

That's been my experience...