Going slow...

The body and mind are amazing.  It looks like Mike is going to live and recover.

Thank you God...

He has come from a mumbling mass of confusion last week back to where he's walking around the halls and trying to fight his way back to enough health to get out of the hospital.

As I was talking to him on the phone yesterday, I had my first moment of clarity as to how I might help him.  He was explaining in his confused ramble (he's never been the gifted communicator he might fancy that he is, but the drug-addled consciousness doesn't help) about the nuance of working his 10th step with a friend in Alanon and how he's fixing this and changing that, it was clear to me that this is a person who's not really surrendered.  A week ago I visited him in ICU and he couldn't string two sentences together that anyone else could recognize as coherent.  Now he was looking for the bank shot of how he could "fix" his spiritual needs by ...  well, I guess it just doesn't matter what he was thinking - he was simply thinking too much.

So, that's my clarity for how to be of assistance to him.  My suggestion (it's just that) is that we talk long and hard about surrender.  About being really licked.  About being done.  For a long time.  A really long time.  Perhaps for the duration.

Bill W. talks in the movie "Bill Wilson Discusses the 12 Traditions" about how, in the course of developing the wording for AA's 5th Tradition, there were long and argumentative discussions.  Clearly, our real purpose is to lead folks toward a spiritual awakening sufficient to recover from alcoholism.  That's the deal.

But, the only thing that seemed to consistently work with those groups and members who were successful is that they'd learned their lesson from John Barleycorn.  If booze hasn't taught you all the lessons you need, you may not be ready for the solution we have to offer. 

I think that might be a clue with Mike.


Best I've got for now...

Philip 7 ...

Last Wednesday was a hellacious day.  I was pretty discouraged - ready one more time to quit AA and just crawl into the mountains for the duration.

Then, on my way home, I got a call from Phillip.

He read me from an email. You could hear the shaking in his voice.

He had just received a grant for $27k to go to school at our local college.  He'd applied for it while he was still "in the system" and had never expected much, if anything, to come from it.  It covers his tuition, books, and helps with meals, transportation and living expenses for 1 year.

Philip and I reviewed that his primary qualifications for this particular program were:

1. He was a felon
2. He is a drunk

You don't have to ask him to stretch far to see the hand of God in his life.

Then, I was meeting with another sponsee this morning who teaches at the local college.  Between the two of us, we figured out that they may have just given Philip this money because it's cheaper to put him in school than jail (current cost for incarceration in our state runs about $50k/year/prisoner).

While I work hard to stay out of political arguments in AA, I think we may have stumbled onto a reform effort that I can get behind - take all the people out of jails and put them in college.

...oh, yeah...

Anyway, I can't tell you how happy for and proud of Philip I am.

Leadership in AA...

Over the weekend, I attended the Southwest Regional Forum in Dallas, TX.

I had a conversations with my sponsor last Wednesday about AA leadership.  He reminded me about when I came into the program, I was bouncing off all the walls, spouting off psycho-babble, arrogance and  everything except AA or our program of recovery.

Over time, the quiet, consistent, leadership of those who loved and supported this fellowship eventually won me over to where I am now.  It wasn't much more than the casual comment here or there which directed my thinking and actions.  Perhaps, not even that - just the fact that they had a spiritual presence and commitment  that was infectious and clearly better than what I had to offer.

I now have a lot of concerns about our fellowship and our ability to survive the current seeming attacks on AA from all fronts.  I went to the Forum ready to "do battle" and find fault with those who I blame, in part, for the woes that befall my home group and AA as a whole.

What I found instead of a battle was a sincere appreciation and agreement by those at the bottom of our service triangle. They agree with me about the challenges that confront us in carrying a pure AA message of experience, strength and hope in the AA program of recovery.  The agree as well about some of the challenges that face the fellowship and service structure which supports that message and purpose.

They encouraged me to take action where I saw that action was required, tell the truth where I saw danger and need for change, and to look for those who would support the future we desired to build for our fellowship.

I think AA leadership is still working...

Amazing...

Feels like...

Recently, I was at a workshop on the Traditions and Concepts of AA.  It was an odd format in that 6 presenters each had about 10 minutes to cover some portion of all the material so that all 24 concepts and traditions were covered,  lightly at best.

One of the most "masterful" presenters did a great job explaining the several traditions he was given but then, wrapped it up by saying "...all this is to say that there are definitely things that AA 'is' and AA 'is not' - but, over time in our fellowship you begin to learn that some things clearly 'feel like AA' and other things 'feel like they're not AA'".  I think he then went on to say that we don't use our traditions as some sort of legal test as to whether things are appropriate or not but instead as a guideline to the general principles we conduct ourselves by.

I've spent some time since thinking about this.

On the one hand, I hate this.  I am, by nature and training, a programmer, an engineer and, a scientist.  If it can't be measured, to me it generally doesn't exist or it isn't important.  If I can't prove me right and you wrong by our traditions, I see much less value in them.

On the other hand, what he said rang true and I think, largely, is  true for us in our fellowship.  I've been to dances that were clearly "AA" and I've been to weekend-long conferences with AA in the title that were clearly not "AA".  In some instances, it is clear to understand why that was the case - e.g. support of our primary purpose, opportunities of one alcoholic talking to another, being self supporting, telling the truth, etc.  In other cases, it was not so clear as to why they were or weren't - but, what was undeniable was there was either a spirit present or there wasn't.

I have found several of us have adopted a thread on this in the blogosphere in this that the consciousness of this discussion has started to evolve.  I think it's important.  I must, because I'm on the threshold of devoting a significant part of my time and treasure toward supporting that conversation (more on that possibly in a few weeks).  But, that's just me.

More importantly, as I've discussed this with my sponsor and other members, I've also spent some time reviewing AA history and realize that this is not a new conversation or quandary.  From the very start (in 1935), we were having similar discussions about what "it is" and what "it isn't" - long before it was named "AA".  There have been deep and harmful schisms in our fellowship.  Peoples' feelings have been hurt and there have been accusations and recriminations in public and in private.  AA itself has seemed on the very brink of extinction multiple times.

So, today, even with our beloved traditions, concepts and 75 years experience, we may not have any better tools than they did in 1935 to guide us. Hopefully, at it's core, we will be a fellowship of folks who've recovered from a fatal malady through a spiritual awakening to be able to discern in our individual lives and fellowship the hand of God.

And then, following the direction of that hand, participate in what "feels like AA" and refrain from participating where it "doesn't feel like AA".

More Mike...

I got a call from Mike's sister last Thursday.

Mike had called me on Monday and asked my opinion about 2 different detoxes. I told him I had no recent direct experience with either place - he could flip a coin.

I asked after his welfare and he said he'd been basically just struggling to the liquor store every day or 2 but, apart from that, hadn't been out of the house for about 3 weeks. He had someone who was willing to drive him to detox (but nowhere else). I wished him well and went on about the rest of my day.

The previous few weeks, he'd stopped taking my calls but I would text him when I would think of him and he'd text back something to the effect of "I'm ok but still not sober". Last March, I had hauled him home and had him spend a week with us (it was the right thing to do then...) to detox him but, the whole time he was at my house, he was using drugs...

So, I was very grateful when his sister charged his cell phone and texted me on Thursday - asking me to call. I did and she said he'd checked himself into the hospital on Monday. Seems to have been God's will in that they immediately put him into a "drug induced coma" (her words - I have no experience or opinion) and that they'd been trying to bring him out but he would get violent and dangerous when they tried to detox him. I can only imagine.

I heard from her again on Sunday that they were planning to put him into the regular ward but when I called her yesterday (via Mike's phone), the latest was that he was still in ICU as a consequence of other medical complications. According to her, they are bending the ICU rules to allow him some visitors so I plan to drop by this afternoon. She has warned me that it's not a pretty sight. I can imagine...

Mike is one of those folks who everybody assumes is just going to get this deal and stay with us for the duration. He has good looks (or did - age and dissipation take their toll) and a winning, puppy-dog personality. He was a few weeks away from having a knee replacement surgery that will improve his quality of life. The only thing he had to do to be able to qualify for this surgery was to stay clean and sober for 6 months. (Someone in medicine finally figured out that joint replacements don't work as well on drunks who stay drunk.)

Yet, he drank. He burned it all down, again...

I love our Big Book where, on page 20, it talks about how others can't understand us:

..."He could stop if he wanted to." "She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake." "The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again."...

That's Mike if I've ever seen one...

Yet, I'm always surprised at how we react inside AA when one of us does what we do. We have all the same propensity with comments like: "...well, he just wasn't working his program..." or maybe "...he just couldn't follow direction..."

Well, maybe it's none of those judgments that would make me more comfortable. Maybe he, like I, just drank because he was an alcoholic? Maybe?

I get that the only difference between Mike and me today (or any day) is God's grace. I'm a big fan of grace. It's the only thing that I've found that can explain both my precious sobriety and Mike's inability to "get" this deal.

And, increasingly, I realize there's no percentage or purpose in trying to figure out why I got something that Mike clearly needs and deserves every bit as much as I do.

Instead , the only reasonable response that I can see for me today is gratitude. For my sobriety.

...and, for Mike...

It's the only basis for hope that I have for either one of us...

Doing right...

I've read Mary's and Pam's articles today on the 12th step and written another article on the 9th step. Caused me to think more than was good for me...

I love all our program. All of it.

I personally think that the 9th step in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is our most "spiritual" step.

Sounds sort of funny since the whole program is spiritual and step nine is, by most, either the most dreaded or the one sort of ignored in our recovery process.

For me, it was the step that afforded me the freedom to walk down the street without fear or dread. It gave me the freedom to look someone, anyone, in the eye and be at peace and ease.

It offered me the skills and the willingness to become a man among men - a station in life that I'd never even aspired to since I was absolutely sure I could never measure up to that lofty goal.

It's what truly gave me something of value that I could share with the newcomer today...

No, I don't believe that you don't have to complete your 9th step to start doing the 12th step (if you have a day's sobriety, you have some experience to share with some of the folks still struggling in some of my meetings).

On the other hand, if you've not experienced the joy of crossing the last name off your 8th step list having completed all your direct amends, then you're missing something that I would wish for you while you're on this planet...

...if, you're an alcoholic like me...

October moon...

I don't know exactly what I'm posting as I've only seen it on my bberry.

T'was lovely to see here (SW Colorado) though.

October madness...

I've not written a blog article for the past couple of days because, well, I haven't.

I really appreciate my time and place on the web and I particularly appreciate that folks do read what I put out there. Your participation in my life has come to mean a lot to me. Really.

However, I also know that no one on the web has suffered greatly from my absence of a few days. And, I've learned from my and others' experience that, for me, it's better to not post an article than to either attempt to write some thing when I'm particularly negative (and in the disease rather than in the solution) or force something that isn't honest and relevant.

October is generally a great month for me. I enjoy winter and I'm generally ready to let go of the suffering of the summer heat. I also really appreciate the wild swings in temperature and weather we experience. I love pumpkin pie.

But, this October, in particular, has been one long dread in coming. I have some "stuff" to take care of in the middle of the month that I have no clue how I can possibly deal with it. Frankly, my best strategy so far has been to hope for a wholesale miracle. It can happen. It has happened in the past.

But, it hasn't happened yet.

Of course, it's not October 15, yet, either...

We all know that time and seasons are these arbitrary things we make up. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this the past few days. Last October, we were given a trip to Hawaii in October and I missed the transition into winter here. I realize from her blog that ML is leaving spring and heading into summer in Southern Africa now. What a strange deal this time thing is...

I have no problems that are beyond God's grace, now.

I hope we all have a lovely October weekend...

High maintenance...

Someone shared in a meeting last night about being a high maintenance person. As she looked nice enough, several of us could have taken that any number of ways but what she clarified was that her spiritual condition was definitely high maintenance.

If she wasn't praying frequently, she was headed toward trouble. If she wasn't constantly examining her thoughts for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear, she might be in significant danger. If she didn't place the constant thought of others before her desires, there were going to be consequences.

I get this.

Sometimes I notice that others in this program don't do as much or bring as much passion as I do to AA (either the program or service). I've been known to feel sorry for myself or whine.

But, shortly after I head down that path (a path I see others taking with seeming impunity, by the way), what the old timers in meetings in the east used to call "stinkin thinkin" returns and I'm off to the races in my disease.

I get that I'm high maintenance also.

Thank God I think I have a relationship today with an adequate mechanic for that maintenance.

The real deal...

I have a sponsee that I've been meeting with for over 15 years. Rob (does anyone else have a hard time keeping up with the names we give these people? - more evidence of old age I guess), has what would not be called a "low bottom" story. Given the constant tragedy and drama that over-ran his upper middle class family of origin, coupled with his relatively short and uneventful drinking career, I have often wondered if he didn't better qualify for Al-anon.

But, our relationship has seemed to be useful to him. We went through the steps and he seem to have a bona fide spiritual experience ~13 years ago and we'd sort of drifted apart until a few years ago when his life burned down and he threw himself into the program like a drowning man. It may have, indeed, saved his life that time if not before.

I started getting calls from Rob about his sponsee Gary 3 weeks ago. After starting out great guns for 6 months, Gary had sort of stalled out and was drifting away the way we do.

Rob and I agreed that we can only be friendly and honest and share our experience and observations - we don't get to judge or spoil a future opportunity...

Turns out Gary started drinking again and holed up in his house. After some waffling, Rob felt compelled to go knock on the door at his house. He was obviously inside (car hidden around the corner and movement seen inside) but didn't answer. Rob left a note and then thought he was complete.

I've been getting no less than 4 calls a day for the past 3 days from Rob.

Through some miracle that I only see around AA, Gary's family (out of town) found Rob and told him there was a 15 year-old boy possibly involved. Rob went over a couple of more times and still no answer so he called the local police for a well-being check today.

Gary finally talked to the cops (they broke in) and assured them he was fine. The family intervened however and he had to make some choices once the cops found out the kid was involved (was holed up in the house with dad...).

So, Rob got to learn how to check someone into the local detox.

The family heard that we were recommending he go to the ARC and thought they were taking him to the Association for Retarded Citizens center. They were fine with that (send him anywhere!) but we all had a laugh when they learned that it was the county's Addictions Recovery Center.

Rob is beginning to believe that this might be a fatal malady.

Gary is going to feel really bad when he realizes where he is and why he's there.

I'm proud of them both.