Bummer...

I got a call from Mike on the way home on Sunday. Turns out, he copped to being drunk for much of the previous few days (weeks?). I had expected it - in fact, I'd just said as much to someone in the car not 10 minutes before his call.

I hate it when my guys go out. Over the years, it's happened way more than I've wanted it to. I don't know how many exactly - it's not a statistic that I'm willing or able to look at right now.

All I know is that every time it happens, I really want to fire them all and move on to something like painting water color or arranging flowers or, well, anything other than sponsorship.

I'm real clear with everyone - especially those that ask me to sponsor them - that the only thing that I've got for qualifications on this job are:

1. I drank myself to the brink of insanity and death
2. I haven't had a drink for 25+ years

It really seems like they'd demand better qualifications before someone helps them out...

Anyway, it's been gnawing on me today so I thought I'd unload it here.

Mike is a classic "he did everything right case". He's got service positions. A home group. Has worked the steps up through is first few amends.

...except: He's got "issues other than alcohol" (as diagnosed by a doctor and psychiatrist). He has to take medications for mental health stuff. He has a rich, crazy, powerful family. He has siblings he can be "better than" and "less than". He's got to deal with pain medications for past injuries. I don't know why I get some of these "hopeless" cases but it seems like I get more than my share.

He's still texting and calling on the the phone occasionally so I know that he's safe - for now. Philip has been struggling getting a time to meet with me so I gave him Mike's 6am Thursday slot. I fear that will break Mike's heart (he's had that slot for ~3 years even though he's shown up < 1/2 the time through some periods).

...and, I get to stay sober today...

yipee

Holy S...

I was writing up something on the 8th step today and it brought to mind a meeting in a hospital on the east coast (Red Bank?) about 15 years ago.

This meeting was on the floor for the treatment program and was obviously there for the purposes of the patients.

One night, someone who was obviously new but was sort of the "cool dude in charge" was asked to read How it Works.

He swaggered to the front, got clear how much he was supposed to read and started off.

He was, unlike many of his ilk, actually a good reader and it was sort of refreshing to hear the familiar passage read with a new, lively street twang.

He read smoothly along until he got to the part where he read "...here are the steps we took..." where he slowed down a little.

He got to "...came to believe..." through "...made a decision..." and he couldn't quite keep the scorn out of his voice...

Then he came to "...made a list..." and he just sort of stopped and started wagging his head.

As he read ahead to step 9 to himself he cried out "NO S----!!!! - can you believe this s---!!!???" at which point the whole room was in stitches. He regained his composure enough to finish reading, shaking his head most of the rest of the time.

Since I was a visitor, I don't know if he ever found recovery, but in my 25 years, I've yet to hear a more honest reading of chapter 5.

Fellowship...

I just returned from a weekend conference in Gillette, WY (about 7 hours away).

After our state convention last week, you'd think (I'd think!) that I could have found something better to do. There were, in fact, lots of other things to do around here but, well, I made the trip to Gillette.

I am amazed at how deep and quick my prejudices lie.

Being from Colorado, I'm well aware of how AA meetings go in sparsely populated parts of the country. Fellowship grows in importance and (what my prejudiced perspectives would term) the important spiritual transformation is watered down.

So, imagine my shock and surprise when, at this conference of ~150 people gathered from all over Wyoming, South Dakota and Montana (virtually no one there from a place with population >15,000 people), they could/would "school me" on the importance of and process of working the 12 steps, the importance of practicing the 12 traditions in all our lives, and the appreciations of our 12 concepts.

In short, teach me how to practice these principles in all our affairs...

Maybe this program is not in as bad of shape as I've sometimes thought - we might just need to empty out our cities...

But, I guess that's just another prejudice...

AA Celebrity

We had a special sort of man in our area a few years ago. At the time I first got to know him, he was an At-large Trustee for our AA's General Service Board. At that time, he was traveling the world over - he was gone from home more than 50 weekends a year at one AA function or another.

So, when he agreed to speak at my home group one of the few Saturday nights he was in town, I was in awe and we were honored.

I was then about 6-7 years sober and was a co-founder of my home group so it was sort of a big deal for me when I went to the church to open up and meet him.

When he came down the stairs, I introduced myself and expressed what a great honor it was to have "someone of his celebrity to speak to our group".

In the 15 years that I got to know him after that (quite intimately), that moment was the only time I ever saw his eyes flash anger at me.

He said "Don't EVER refer to me or treat me as celebrity!!! It will not only be harmful to me, it might diminish a chance for me to be effective in my message."

I gulped and agreed and, as I've already alluded to, a special, spiritual bond of friendship was begun.

Over the years, I saw what he meant. Against his admonitions to me and others, I saw him treated as a celebrity and "guru". (I'm sure, in his heart, he sometimes appreciated his special treatment and position) But, we do diminish the chance that some of our best have to reach those with such a gift to reach others when we create something out of them that they really neither ask for or want. It costs them deeply at several different levels.

I've sometimes wished it were my problem (I've never really been all that popular in any of my AA or life circles), but my friend and others on this path have given me a view of what a price can and is paid for making one of larger than life.

Today, my anonymity might be my greatest gift.

9-11...

We buried my aunt on 9/10/01. This (a relative's burial) is not the sort of date that I would normally remember.

Her services were held in the far southeastern corner of the state and we hadn't seen my uncle or that part of the family for several years so my mother, wife and I stayed late that day and spent the night rather than drive all night after an emotional day.

We woke early (for my mother) the next morning and, since my mother takes a little time to get going in the morning, I had the TV turned on in the motel room. I never watch TV in the morning unless I'm just killing time and out of town.

We were watching a morning program (Today?) when they took a phone call from someone who reported an explosion or something - maybe a plane crash - in a building in Manhattan - perhaps the World Trade Center. The news camera started showing images of black smoke coming out of the tower.

Then, we watched, live, as the second plane hit the other tower.

We knew our world had changed forever.

After about 1/2 hour, we took a group conscience and decided we'd just as well head home (about 6-7 hours away).

As we drove in and out of radio signal range, we heard reports of another plane at the pentagon, all air traffic shut down, 1-3 planes reported as "missing", another plane crash in PA. It was just all too unreal.

One the way down to the memorial service, we'd started listening to one of the Harry Potter books on tape. As we tried to continue the story, we'd catch pieces of radio reports and listen to the story and then we'd think of people we needed to call on the east coast to verify they were all right. The cell phone I had was totally worthless so we stopped several extra times to use pay phones.

We got home that night and just kept getting reports "as many as 50,000 people could still be missing", "emergency hospitals being set up", "reports of miraculous survivals or chances of survival" - I, like the majority of the nation couldn't leave the TV. Even though most of the reports were repetitious and, often, wrong - I just couldn't get full of the news. There seemed to be no relief.

On our trip home, my wife bought 2 cases of tomatoes and she cooked for 2 weeks straight.

For several days I found myself trying to will myself to work but found myself at churches, AA meetings, on the phone, in front of the TV - I just couldn't make sense.

I reached out to the most powerful spiritual adviser that I knew and he couldn't make any sense either.

I felt hatred - and no sane place to focus it.

I felt I had to "do something" - enlist in the military, go to NYC and help with rescue/relief, send money - but everything seemed petty, trite and meaningless.

I felt anger - and under that only found sadness and fear.

Time got me through that deep emotion but I'm still changed.

I think the "place" I got to with my processing of all that negativity has, largely, been borne out in the worlds' experience. War has not brought peace. Justice has not won vindication.

I just hope today that we've all learned something.

Blessings on us all.

International Experience...

When I showed up at the 2000 International in Minneapolis, it was the 3rd International that I'd been to so I knew better than to show up without having a commitment to help out.

I love International conventions - I can't recommend them high enough but, you must understand, I am an introvert. If I go to a meeting and there aren't chairs to be put away or dishes to be done, I'm at some risk of being drunk before my wife, the extrovert, is ready to leave. So, from the previous 2 Internationals I'd learned that there are precious few chances to clean ashtrays or put away chairs so I needed to sign up in advance.

We got there a day early, attended a few meetings and, by Thursday afternoon, were in serious need of a "job". We got to our sign-up post 20 minutes early and our "supervisor" was annoyed enough that he basically gave us the assignment of "...just go out front and great people as they come in - help them find their way to registration..." - (implied: do anything - just get out of here - I think he was an introvert too...).

So, with no small amount of trepidation, I found myself in front of the convention center on a gorgeous July afternoon with hundreds of folks meeting and greeting.

I spotted my first victim!

I approached a black man, obviously feeling a little uncomfortable, in a green tee shirt, hugged him and said "...welcome to Minneapolis!!! Can I help you find something?"

He had the oddest look on his face as he sized me up and sort of awkwardly said "...well, no, I'm working over there (pointing to toward the building) and was just taking a break..."

Then I noticed that all the food vendors lined up against building wall had staffed their booths with folks in green tee shirts just like this dude...

He didn't say anything more to me but sort of kept his eye on me as he hurried back to his hot dog stand. I caught him staring at me a couple of more times in the afternoon.

The next 2 hours flew by as I talked to drunks from all over the world and helped them get registered, figure out where events were, and just chatted the afternoon away. But none was better than that first exchange. I wonder if he still tells his family about working that convention with those weird AA people....

I hope so...

Yikes!!!

We are registered for the International.

We have plane reservations for the wrong days but they can be changed - it will cost us as much as the cheap fares we've paid for.

We can't get a hotel on the River Walk.

We have a few friends who have reserved multiple rooms in outlying hotels but don't have them allocated yet so I think there might be someone out there who has our room reserved for us. If you know of such a deal, please let me know. If you don't want to post a comment, please send me a private email (available on my profile).

Now, what's the principle involved here...????

Conventions...

I love conventions, conferences and workshops...

Even bad ones (and I've been to several) generally leave me feeling at least a little refreshed and glad that I participated.

So, being who I am, I often am involved in the committee. In various conferences, conventions and, workshops, I have been (off the top of my head): chair(3), coordinator(2), facilitator(3), speaker(3), treasurer(3), registration(3), program(3), solutions/special needs(2), web site(2), public information(2), hotel liaison(3), co-chair(2), media(2), entertainment(2), food and beverage(2), coffee(2) - but, who's counting...

At the state convention this past weekend, I was heavily involved and probably had one of my toughest jobs (this was why I was going to quit AA a few months back) but, it seemed to work out OK. Folks generally seemed to have a good time and the committee members are all sending around the self-congratulatory emails that we always seem to do - even after the "bad" ones.

Usually by this time (2 days later), I've reflected back and seen it as something like "...well, it really wasn't that bad was it...?" Somehow, not this time. Not yet anyway. This one took some flesh that it will take some time to heal.

In the spirit of where, in AA, "we leave no good deed unpunished", I think some folks went way over the line with me. It was personal. It was (is?) vicious. Some AA relationships I've cherished for over 20 years have been fundamentally redefined. I've been accused of motivations and actions that are so blatantly wrong to be laughable...

...except, I'm not laughing...

...not yet...

...I guess I am now.

And, I'm registered for San Antonio... ;-)

...and, I've been volunteered to participate there...

BTW - at the Friday meeting of said convention, the G.S.O. speaker said that by last Thursday (3 days after opening registration), there were over 8,000 registered for the International. One Trustee told me that the thinking is that they might sell out of 45,000 registrations in a few weeks and shut down pre-registration until they can be sure they can house and deal with everyone who wants to go. From what I understand (per said Trustee), they can comfortably deal with ~60,000 of us but might have problems with more...

Incapable...

I was sent this yesterday so hopefully this is something new to at least one person - it would probably go better with a post on facades and putting on a front...

I have realized one more time that I am incapable of living the life I've been given. I can't meet others' expectations. Far worse, I can't meet my expectations, even when they're lowered significantly.

For me today, this is the good news. Once I get to this place of surrender, something else entirely can take over and my life will move on as it's supposed to.

...at least that's the hope...

God is doing...

I have a sponsee that I meet with on Wednesday mornings. We've been doing this deal for about 16 months and he's as fine an example of the miracle in AA as any I've seen.

A year ago, we were dealing with the loneliness and despair where she had kicked him out for drinking. Today, we're dealing with the despair and frustration of living with someone who's sick (yeah, same girl...) - trying to figure if we can get through one more week of verbal abuse and sick behavior.

It's almost amazing to realize that a year ago (in addition to being lonely), he was so much in debt he would never be able to recover, he was 7 years behind in filing taxes, his business was failing, his kids and step kids wanted nothing to do with him, his body was failing.

Today, he's almost through a 9th step and all those things are taken care of.

...all of them...

He's nearly debt free. He's filed or filing all his tax returns. His business has recovered and paid back 1/2 of what is owed all the creditors - will probably be out of debt by year's end. His kids and her kids can't get enough of him. His body has recovered and is allowing him to work more like a young man.

...now, if he could just get her to act right...

;-)