What it is...

I'm back in NYC for 10 days. It was a gorgeous day yesterday and it's supposed to be better today.

It's a delight for me to be here.

I used to get to NY/NJ fairly often when I worked for a company that was based out here.  When I was laid off from my job, I had sort of presumed that I would never be here again.  This is the second trip I've been here this year.

Goes to show you about my plans and ideas and all...

Anyway, I feel I should say something about my post on Saturday, given that a re-reading of it after several comments made it look like I was in some sort of whiny mood around blogging again.  I guess, in part, I was.  I'd like to believe that I'm above asking for my readers' affections but I don't think that's true either.  In he process, it felt like I was in judgment about me for not blogging daily and perhaps readers for their expectations of me.

I wasn't, exactly.

What all that is really about is that I am once again, face-to-face with the nature of the spiritual malady of alcoholism whereby I really would like to show up in my life differently (better) than I am.  I am getting that reinforced from a number of sponsees who are doing this dance of death directly with booze or are trying to manage their lives better by lying and cheating - to themselves and others.

I recognize that because I do the same thing myself.

It's great to be here today and be sober.

God bless us all.

Happy 100...

My father would have been 100 years old today.  He died in April of 1996.  If my parents gave me nothing else, I seem to have the genetics for longevity.  But, they gave me a lot.

My father was an amazing man and had an amazing (though seemingly ordinary) life.  With only a third grade education, he finished his working life in his 60s as a respected and successful businessman (refrigeration and air conditioning installation and repair - working all over northeastern Colorado).  He and my mother (his 3rd wife) were married for 45 years when he died.  He instilled in me a strong work ethic, gave a belief that "I can do anything" that made me all that I am today (positive and not) and, gave me opportunities he could never have dreamed of in his hard young life.  I still owe him so much.

And, some of the lessons I learned from his life and example were not the positive ones.

As long as I knew him, my father always avoided conflict.  You could see in him when something came up with mom, a customer, politics, someone that worked for him, his church - anywhere in his life - he would have an almost visceral reaction and many times act irrationally.  Sometimes toward his own detriment.  Most of his life, he was just accepted as "quiet" or "shy" but it is obvious, on reflection, that he never wanted to have to take a position and then possibly defend it if someone opposed his view.

I sort of have a sense that this might have come, in part, from some historical experiences I never heard of first hand.  There are stories, for example, of him chasing a then wife through the house with a gun.  Other stories where it was obvious that he man we knew had a darker past than he wanted revealed.  He had secrets up until a life-changing, year-long rehabilitation in a military hospital during World War II.  As a part of that rehabilitation, he was sent to a civilian hospital on the Colorado plains where he met my mother, they married, joined a church and created the life I knew (including me).

As he got older, something changed in his head.  He reached a point in his late 60s where he could no longer enjoy intense drama in movies or on TV.  Light comedy was fine.  In his early to mid 70s, this "phobia" ("neurosis" ? I really wouldn't know the right diagnosis or term) expanded to where any dramatic tension at all was too much for him so he would only watch sporting events.  In his late 70s, the risk of injury in sport or the tension in a close game was too much for him so he only watched the weather channel (I'm not making this up).  About the time he was 80, the weather channel started showing dramatic clips from extreme weather (school buses hanging off cliffs, tornadoes blowing up houses, etc.) so it was no longer possible for him to watch anything on TV.  Whatever happened in his head, he would suffer from bad dreams or insomnia for weeks if he was even around a TV with normal programming.

On reflection, I could see that, whatever was going on around conflict in his head caused his world to become smaller and smaller until he really could hardly participate in life.

Up until that time, I had always wanted to be like many of the older people in our community.  Unlike my father, we have examples here where we see people active, outgoing, engaged and happy well into their 90s.  A lot of them.

I figured that, when I got old, I would develop an appropriate social life and become that who I wanted me to be.  I realized , with my father's example, that would never happen for me.

What I realized was that who I am at 85 has precious little to do with what I decide I want to be at 85 and has everything to do with who I am at 45.

One of the many gifts of AA is the knowledge that I can change.  Today.

As a consequence, I can't tell you how many times I've forced my decrepit little introverted and intolerant self to an AA meeting, service obligation or social event.  Many times, it's the last place my heart would really lead me.

But, I know the consequences of those choices:  A tiny world where there can be no conflict or suffering.

God willing, I'm preparing myself for a different elderhood than my father experienced. 

God willing.

9-11...

We buried my aunt on 9/10/01. This (a relative's burial) is not the sort of date that I would normally remember.

Her services were held in the far southeastern corner of the state and we hadn't seen my uncle or that part of the family for several years so my mother, wife and I stayed late that day and spent the night rather than drive all night after an emotional day.

We woke early (for my mother) the next morning and, since my mother takes a little time to get going in the morning, I had the TV turned on in the motel room. I never watch TV in the morning unless I'm just killing time and out of town.

We were watching a morning program (Today?) when they took a phone call from someone who reported an explosion or something - maybe a plane crash - in a building in Manhattan - perhaps the World Trade Center. The news camera started showing images of black smoke coming out of the tower.

Then, we watched, live, as the second plane hit the other tower.

We knew our world had changed forever.

After about 1/2 hour, we took a group conscience and decided we'd just as well head home (about 6-7 hours away).

As we drove in and out of radio signal range, we heard reports of another plane at the pentagon, all air traffic shut down, 1-3 planes reported as "missing", another plane crash in PA. It was just all too unreal.

One the way down to the memorial service, we'd started listening to one of the Harry Potter books on tape. As we tried to continue the story, we'd catch pieces of radio reports and listen to the story and then we'd think of people we needed to call on the east coast to verify they were all right. The cell phone I had was totally worthless so we stopped several extra times to use pay phones.

We got home that night and just kept getting reports "as many as 50,000 people could still be missing", "emergency hospitals being set up", "reports of miraculous survivals or chances of survival" - I, like the majority of the nation couldn't leave the TV. Even though most of the reports were repetitious and, often, wrong - I just couldn't get full of the news. There seemed to be no relief.

On our trip home, my wife bought 2 cases of tomatoes and she cooked for 2 weeks straight.

For several days I found myself trying to will myself to work but found myself at churches, AA meetings, on the phone, in front of the TV - I just couldn't make sense.

I reached out to the most powerful spiritual adviser that I knew and he couldn't make any sense either.

I felt hatred - and no sane place to focus it.

I felt I had to "do something" - enlist in the military, go to NYC and help with rescue/relief, send money - but everything seemed petty, trite and meaningless.

I felt anger - and under that only found sadness and fear.

Time got me through that deep emotion but I'm still changed.

I think the "place" I got to with my processing of all that negativity has, largely, been borne out in the worlds' experience. War has not brought peace. Justice has not won vindication.

I just hope today that we've all learned something.

Blessings on us all.

Excitement - friend or foe?

I crave excitement in my life. I love roller coasters. We went whitewater rafting each year for 8 consecutive years until we realized we could just never get enough of it. I always love being on the ski slope, in an aerobatic plane, anywhere I can get a thrill I will generally move toward the "rush" as an activity given any choice at all.

I also love a loud and happy meal with friends, an enthusiastic meeting with lots of laughter, getting great news in the mail, getting compliments about how great I am, emotional stories of wondrous accomplishments of others.

I see (at least) 2 problems with this:

• I generally feel I don't get "enough"
  
• my life, in general, is not exciting

When I talk about this some with my AA friends, I get a lot of support for amping up the excitement level. Very few suggest that I learn to accept - even seek - a more quiet, contemplative life.

Yet, I'm coming to understand that this is really much of what my life today is about - making deliberate choices to allow for more "quietness".

So, I really don't think excitement, per se, is either friend or foe. I don't think I need to be biologically altered to turn off adrenaline or to not even indulge in the occasional roller coaster.

But, constantly living from one piece of drama to another is a part of my history that I really need to consciously identify drama that is not useful to either my primary purpose or growth and let that go.

Just sayin...

Living...

It is a great day - I woke up (I just remembered how on weekends I used to "come to" instead of "wake up") to follow through on a service commitment, worked around the house, went to a Celestial Seasonings tent sale, went to a Founder's Day picnic, heard a couple of great AA speakers (one spoke in Spanish with translation), connected with several folks (including the guy I met in ICU last week), did some more work around the house, talked to several sponsees, planning to go to dinner and my big home group meeting and our group conscience meeting - it's just about perfect. In fact, I think I'll call it perfect.

Our weather here is unseasonably cool and rainy this spring (it's raining again this afternoon - I think this might be nearly 2 weeks straight of at least every afternoon). In my community, we've almost reached our annual average precipitation amount. I'd be upset except that I remember 2 years ago when we were having 100+ degrees this time of year and scorching drought - I much prefer this. Much as I know it slows some down, I love the cool and don't even mind the rain that much as long as it's sunny for some part of the day (and it generally has been).

Syd had proposed a Sunday meme of "Heard in a meeting..." last week - I think it's a good idea to try. While my meetings may not be as wise as some of the rest of yours, I love to hear the wisdom and the opposite of that when it's said somewhere...

Thanx y'all for this piece of my life...

Happiness on tax day...

Sometimes I just crack myself up. Yesterday was a great example.

It being 4/14, it was time to file taxes. You must understand something about me (us - my wife's in this too) to get the joke. I had a 6-figure income in 2002, was laid off, and I've had a negative income since. So, if you feel bad about paying your tax bill this year, let me tell you that I long for the day again when I can again pay income taxes because that will be the first sign that we've got an income again.

There's a long story about that but that's not what this article is about...

So, it's not critical that I file early or by 4/15 in that I know they've already collected the penalties I owe on the 401k's that we cashed early and that the taxes will net to 0 or we might get a few pennies back - either way, we' cool with the tax man.

But, filing taxes is not my favorite thing to do - we have a business and I need to reconcile several accounts, find some paperwork, do the stuff that, for me, amounts to looking at the past year of failure and shame. (again, another long article someday...)

So, on 4/14, I'd set aside a few hours (just because I'm not making money doesn't mean that I'm not super busy...) to pull things together to file those dreaded tax returns.

The time came and I started on my task - after 2+ hours, I couldn't find the software I'd bought months ago to do the taxes...!!!???

I fell out... (laughing-wise...)

OK, after writing this long about it, it's not as funny now as it was then (and probably not funny at all to you - sorry...) but it was just so perfect - all my character defects running fully amok around something I really hate but am willing to do - and then, my "grand plans" fall on their proverbial noses, due to those same character defects...

Today, 4/15, either the software will show itself or I will pull the extension form off the IRS web site (if you can get to it this year...) or I will re-purchase said software...

And, life will go on...

(sorry, it seemed much funnier yesterday...)

Ed

New beginnings...

I know, it's trite - hackneyed - a cliche: an Easter article about starting over - Creating anew.

But, I gotta tell 'ya - the principles I'm most pointed toward today are hope and renewal.

Partly because it's so hard to come by for me - I have been awash in my character defects of late and watching my life and my spirit get sicker as a consequence. Partly because of the state of the economy and my little part of the world - it doesn't take much attention (at meetings, coffee shops, work discussions, the grocery store, family gatherings) to hear stories of sadness and fear as a consequence of the world's current state and the resultant destroyed plans and dreams. Partly because of new possibilities - I really like almost everything new coming out of the Obama administration and the whole spring season upon us.

For all those reasons and many more, I'm a great fan today of "let's start this baby over!!!" Let's really get rid of all that old crap and begin anew...

I also think it's nice that it's Easter. When I was a Christian, it was one of my favorite times because of all that it represented in that set of beliefs. While I may have left that faith, I certainly applaud the need for redemption through God's grace and the story of the resurrection is as good a representation of that as any for today...

I wish us all a happy day - let's seek and celebrate new beginnings this and every day...

Love,
Ed

Wisdom...

Syd said something on a comment to me yesterday that complimented my "wisdom". I had to smile to myself because being or appearing wise is so much not what I try to be about to today. Not that I"m unique (in AA or the world at large), but my M.O. my whole life has been about trying support the image of being an intellectual. Since I had 0 ability to either show up in school and participate or ask others for help and guidance, the best I could ever be in my life really was the ego-driven pseudo-intellectual that had an opinion about everything and attempted to speak at a level way beyond either my education or intelligence.

In the ultimate justice of the universe, I run into people just like who I used to be at almost every turn of my life today. I sponsor a couple of them, of course. Boy, do I know their "game" - they wonder how I can get so inside their heads that I know their motives and grand plans...

Anyway, day before yesterday, I was discussing with my sponsor some frustrations I'm having with some of my service work and the sense of betrayal I feel from people who are really close to me and refuse to honestly participate in the process after they've formed their opinions. My sponsor made me cry when he complimented my humility in the midst of this mess.

So, as a part of the "...unsuspected inner resource..." I've found in my life today, I've really got some wisdom. I'm also a goof - that's part of the path from there to here.

So, all that said, today (as best I can) I have surrendered to let God make me who he would have me be...

Interesting...

Ed

Picking fights...

I 've noticed recently that my wife seems to picking more fights - with many people but with me in particular. It's a stressful time in our life and she's got a lot on her plate but I notice that there are more and more things "coming up" for us. Over 22+ years of living together, these seasons come and they go. There are many things we don't agree on and, during this time, it seems she's almost belligerently taking "stands" against me - unwilling or unable to accept a different perspective than what she owns.

As someone who tends toward the "sensitive" side of the scale, I own that my reactions are not always appropriate.

It's times like this that I envy those who talk about and understand the whole "boundary" thing. As with so much of the babel (psycho or religious) that flows through many AA meetings, I've had to deliberately let go of even using the terms so that I don't perpetuate the harm in my life or tolerate it from sponsors instead of their doing their own tough work.

I'm open-minded about these things as concepts, but my experience in focusing deliberately on "boundaries" causes me to create walls and enmity that can take a decade or better to tear down. Same thing happens to me when I try to focus on "balance" - all the sudden life turns into a roller coaster where nothing gets done or accomplished.

So, this season will pass on to something else. On a good day, I can enjoy a moment or 2 of intimacy and support. On a really good day, I can be useful. The other days, god gives me the grace to contribute somewhere.

It's life...
Ed

Peace...

I spent an evening recently with my brother-in-law whom we'll call "T" (sounds more anonymous and fair than calling him his real name "Tom").

T is brilliant (really). He's bright. He has a quick wit and he's personable, and, in his own way, informed. He's intelligent. By comparison to me, he's wealthy. He's part of the set of folks who believe the republican party left them behind - the "true" conservatives. The folks who believe that they would be so much better if government just left them alone completely. Left them to acquire money however they damn well want and spend it all however they damn well want. Get government out of health care, banking, drug regulation - all of it. T lives on the top of a mountain and has been rumored to take shots at people who are messing around on his property.

I hope you get the idea...

This evening I spent with T started with the theme "...people just don't know how f---ed they are yet..." "...before it's over, it's going to be so much worse than people are expecting..." "...we are all just so f---ed..." "...everything everyone is doing, especially our leaders and our government is just making it all more f---ed..." "...they think that taking all the money from the rich will solve problems - that will just make things worse - they haven't seen any problems yet..." Regardless what the topic (family, religion, the weather, sports, all of it), regardless of the decision that we all were done talking about politics (agreed to several times), regardless of any attempts to steer the conversation by the other 5 of us and be civil, T returned to his rant.

The evening started and ended on the same general note...

You know it was a tough evening when the best 1/2 hour I had there was dealing with a toilet that my wife plugged up in their house.

I'm not a victim. Several times during the evening, I tried to offer T another way of seeing a particular situation. I'd just finished reading Obama's biography, The Audacity of Hope, so I felt I could contribute some perspective of what might be going on and where some solutions might be coming from in the long term but T only became even more defensive and entrenched.

I'm trying to learn to live my life on a spiritual plane and thought I could offer some comfort or solace; even empathy but T was not interested in anything I could contribute.

An hour into this 4-hour evening, it occurred to me that there must be some principle I was to learn something about here - what was my purpose here?

As T raged on, it finally occurred to me that the principle of the evening (for me) was "peace". I went into my head briefly and realized that one of my most prized possessions today is an internal peace that is becoming increasingly familiar.

I was in a workshop with my sponsor last month when one of the participants, almost out of the blue, had a complete melt down and dumped about a 15 minute rant on the gathering and stomped out the door to "go get drunk". He was a hurting unit. My sponsor, as facilitator, said something to the effect that "...the spirit-led life is the way of peace..." and we all took about 10 minutes for silent meditation as a group. The person who stomped out returned a while later but that example of the "power of peace" was probably the most lasting impression of the 3 days we spent together. The hurting unit wasn't necessarily healed but we were all sober and on the path toward our own experiences.

I realized that, even while T was ranting, I could choose peace.

It really turned into a delightful evening and, in retrospect, I've got to tell you that I have nothing but compassion for T. I keep thinking: "imagine - living with and in that head..."

It's not like AA has any corner on finding and utilizing the power in this principle. It has probably shaped the world as much or more than war over the past century (Ghandi, Mandella, the civil rights movement, etc.).

Whod've thunk...

Ed