A good idea...

I woke up this morning and decided it would be a good idea to start drinking again.

A simple, straight-forward decision.  I've not acquired the booze yet but I really have just had enough of this pain the bother of a life of service.  I see others all around me enjoying their lives. And they drink. Why not me?

I know I've had problems with drinking but that was 26+ years ago.  A lot has changed since then.  By many measures, I'm worse off today than I was then.  It seems my experience is that, if you want to have fun, project an image of "importance," and enjoy the real fruits of hedonism, you might as well drink.

So, I guess I'll just drink.

I know this decision will cost me something.  My wife will likely leave. The family will follow her.  I may as well abandon my home and friends.  You know, consequences will come due but, well, some days it just doesn't feel all that neat being me.  Really.

So, it's time to escape.

If it gets really bad and I don't die, I suppose I could always come back.  I've seen a few do that.  Some who try to come back in are able to stay.  Others, well, I guess it's just a chance one has to take.  It's hard for me to imagine, but I suppose it might be possible (coming back).

I doubt I'll be able to keep blogging when I'm drinking.  I really have no axe to grind against AA - it worked perfectly well for me for 26  years.  And, it's just not my natural style to go to any special efforts to do something like this.  Since I expect to be homeless and without means, it would be unlikely I could find the resources to write much of a blog.  At the very least, I'd have to re-title this one and find a new theme to write about.  I suppose that's no great loss to the world either.

So, I just thought I'd let y'all know about my latest good idea.

And, if you believe any of this today, you might be as much an April fool as I am....

Out (and in) like a lamb ...

Does anyone else spend all day thinking of topics you could write a blog article about and then sit down and not remember any of those things?

I thought so...

The old adage of March coming "...in like a a lamb, out like a lion..."  (or visa-versa) seems to be false for us this year as it's been remarkably lamb-like at both ends of this month here.  Weird some in the middle, but definitely mild at both ends.

Granted, we had a little breeze yesterday (in my little community, we call anything less than a sustained 30 mph gale a breeze), but we're wonderfully mild again this morning.

Don't worry - this is not a weather blog.

I was just wondering how often this phrase we've all heard is true in fact?  As an engineer/scientist, I think I can appreciate how little direct effect the weather on one end of a month has on the other end of a month.  Probably, this "belief" in lions and lambs comes from the level of variability that happens in March.  Last week we had a foot of snow (no exaggeration) and today we're having 70 degrees and sunny skies.

But yet, I found myself expecting harsh weather at the end of the month since it was mild 4 weeks ago.

I suppose this is the most minor of "old ideas" that I am challenged to let go of.  I clearly know that it has no likely basis in fact, but it's still what I heard from my grade school teachers (the ultimate authorities of all things true).  But, even though we got lambs on both ends of the month this year, I will probably be among the first to recite the lion/lamb balance next year.

I wonder how many other "old ideas" I hang on to?

"I will die poor and alone."  "My life means nothing."  "Everybody else gets what they want, I can't have what I need." "I just need to try harder."

A few...

But then, next year it could be true that March will...

... a loving invitation ...

I got an unexpected letter from A.A.'s General Service Office last week.  It starts out: "Please accept a loving invitation on behalf of the General Service Board..."

They've asked me to chair a workshop on "A.A. Web Sites" at the International Convention.  The workshop is scheduled from 9:30 AM to 11:00 AM on Saturday, July 3 in the Henry B. Gonzales Convention Center, Room 217 A-C.

This is great in that, as chair, I get to participate and I don't have to worry about putting something together to create a cogent talk.  The format is that there are 3 presenters who share for about 15 minutes each and then the floor is open for general sharing from anyone attending.

The reason I'm sharing this here now, 4 months before the event is because:

1. I'm excited, honored and humbled.
2. Since I blog anonymously, I figured the few of you who might be at the Convention and reading this now could figure out a chance that we could hook up at this session (if we've not figured out a way to meet earlier).  I don't plan to drop my anonymous participation here but I see no potential harm in meeting and greeting each other during and after this session.
3. I don't plan to mention it (my particular participation in this session) again here but it's in my calendar to show up and it would be nice if some of the rest of us could be there as well.

I'm sure this will not be the only session at the International dealing with online experiences (e.g. there is another session titled: "A.A. in Cyberspace: Carrying the Message") - I will probably see some of you at other sessions but I may not know who you are - there will only be 50,000 of us there...

Anyway, I really appreciate the opportunity and wanted to share my exciting news with y'all.

Note: If you want to chair or present at an A.A. International (I think it might be too late for this year as I think the program is set - so you might want to mark your calendar to plug in around 2013-14), the process is to let someone in General Service (GSR, DCM, Delegate, etc.) know of your interest and have them recommend you.  While you can send requests and suggestions to G.S.O. directly, I've heard they are deluged with myriad requests and they tend to give preference to those requests that come as recommendations from people they know.

How I was "found" for this slot was that a G.S.O. staffer looked at our Area's web site, contacted the Area Web Chair who, in turn, passed my name along since I'd worked some on the site with her as well as led the Area Web Task Force that created the guidelines which support our Area's web efforts.

I truly hope to see you there.

Nunca! Nunca!

I attended another Spanish speaking AA meeting yesterday.  A 3-1/2 hour meeting (no breaks) followed by a 1-hour feast/fiesta really takes a bite out of your day - it's especially tiring when you've already been sitting in meetings for the whole weekend.

It was important to attend though in that one of the pillars of that community (Spanish-speaking AA) was celebrating his 26 years of sobriety.  He's been a good friend to me and many others - there were about 150 people there from all over the state.

Since I don't speak Spanish, these meetings are hard for me but there is so much I can learn.  I see what they do as largely an AA Public Information pitch for families and friends in addition to an AA meeting.

The format runs something like this:

1. After the starting rituals (prayer, reading, etc.), they invite some of the new people (under 30 days) up to share.  While they talk about "...really meaning it this time..." and "...going to try harder...", some of the audience laugh and catcall him - suggest they probably aren't really done - etc.
2. Then people (mostly men) with generally increasing lengths of sobriety and experience, share what they did to get and stay sober and how their lives have changed.
3. Then (about 2+ hours into the deal), they call special guests to share - people who are General Service Representatives, District Committee Members, Intergroup officers, the area Delegate, etc. about what AA is and is not and how it has impacted their lives and honoring the person celebrating.
4. Next family members are given a chance to talk.  A brother who had 2 years sober at one time and would love to get sober again but just can't seem to make it through a day without drinking.  A sister who came from Oklahoma just to say that she is proud of her brother and grateful to AA,  Alanon members, kids, grandkids, cousins, everyone is given a chance to say what they think of the birthday boy or anything at all.
5. Finally, the target of this celebration is given the chance to talk.

As he walked to the podium, tears were already streaming down his dark, handsome face.  Even with my exceedingly poor Spanish, I could clearly hear much of what he shared: "Nothing! Nothing! could have prepared me for so much love and gratitude from the miracle of what AA has done for me and my family!!!" ; "...all that I am today, all that I have today, all that I will ever be, I owe to AA...";  "...from a life of hopeless dispair and nothingness, I am now the happiest man in the world, thanks to AA...";  "...AA and God never gave up on my, long after I'd given up on myself..."

I hope you get the idea.  Not a dry eye anywhere.

Then, this community who are mostly unemployed or work below minimum wage, fed us all.

Rich, thick, meaty mole. Hearty green chili.  Pasta.  Fresh tortillas.  Cake.  All homemade and delicious.

As embarrassed as we were, it was clear that we would offend them if we didn't take extra plates of food home.

My heart is still full.  This "work" that we do in AA is important.  For ourselves and, more importantly, for others.  AA can and will change my life if I let it.

And, it tastes good too...

Bidness...

I'm sitting at our Area Assembly business meeting which is one of those things that I've observed most of us love to hate.  I've certainly have hated my share of these meetings.

But, I've grown more than I can imagine in the 20 years I've attended.  As the punchline of that old joke goes, I just can't see how I could have gotten here from there, except through this path.

I hear a lot of comments from sponsees and other members about how "...those meetings are all just AA politics..." or "...I get tired of all the fighting and controversy..."

I've certainly seen more politics and fighting than I've wanted to see.

But, I sometimes wonder how everyone (including me, when discouraged) thinks AA, as a whole (meaning, outside my home group and around the world) will grow and find its way without these conversations and corrections?

So, I feel badly that people like Mary in Africa may not ever experience a meeting like this.  I feel blessed and happy that I get to be a part of this deal that is way bigger than my little home group.

I love this deal.

Eat around it...

The picture on Dave's blog this morning reminded me of a meeting of a Big Book study I was co-leading a few years ago.

We were talking about the 6th step and becoming willing to have these defects removed.  A sponsee of mine thought of and shared something that I use as a metaphor yet today.  He said:

"...my relationship with my character defects in my life today is like, I'm eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream out of the carton and suddenly discover a turd - right there in the middle of my ice cream.  I am disgusted and it sickens me.  I feel violated and angry.
Then, I think about it some and I notice that it looks like it's really just one solid chunk in the middle.  I really like the ice cream and it seems like a waste to throw out the whole carton.  I'm sort of hungry.  I think 'I could probably just nibble around the edges of the carton a little...'  I wonder how close to the chunk is safe to eat. ..."

I do exactly the same thing with character defects.  I've been around long enough and done the work in the program of A.A. so that I always recognize them when they crop up.  But, after initially being repulsed by them, I will think "...maybe I'm really OK with self pity this time..."  or "...yeah, it's resentment but it's justified and I'm only human..." or "...it's true I'm being selfish but she's being more selfish..." or ...

It's really exactly the same thing as rationalizing how close I can eat without being so disgusting that I can't live with myself.

Probably not the standard I want to live down to today.

The solution is to throw the whole thing out - now!!!

"...Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." BB p. 58

'nuf said...

Anybody there...?

Several of my most favorite bloggers have stopped doing daily blogs - at least where I know of them - and it's really all I can do not feel like I was once more "...too late to the party because all the cool people are leaving to the next cool place to hang out..."

Or, something like that.

In fact, the number of people that are showing up at this blog is growing slowly (though nowhere nearly as large as those who've left the building).  Also, I recently took a 3-week hiatus which, in part, cleared my head a little bit about what I'm doing here.  The one thing that is really clear to me is that if I really am either in competition with others, I will loose, or if I try to do anything to drive up my readership, I will lose.

As I figured out yesterday, this (as is the rest of my life) is just not about me.  My only hope and sustenance is that I can remember the biggest promise offered in the program of AA is that I can be "useful."  On a really good day, that is my intention here along with the other areas of my life.

I will miss those who've gone.  I already do.  But, as others have observed, seasons change, people come and go and I really need to just learn to deal with it.

Doesn't mean I have to like it (I don't!) - but, it was not my decision that they leave (amazingly, I wasn't even consulted! ;-) ) .  It does mean that I will get to learn and grow with it.

Bummer.

Or not...

About me...

I sometimes get the mistaken belief that my life and what I do in it has something to do with me.  Imagine!

Yesterday, I fought myself all the way to show up for a job that I'd put off since last October.  Just think of it as a heavy ball and chain around my neck that gets heavier every day since October.  To say I was dreading it and the dread was increasing was just such an understatement.

But, God is good, and by His grace I showed up with the best attitude I could muster.  The weather was predicted to change and I wanted to make progress before that happened.

When I work, I often leave my cell phone aside as I often make bad decisions (compromising my safety or ability to get work done) about when to accept calls.  I noticed a former sponsee was calling and I was in between tasks so I took the call.

He works at a detox and had just spent some time with a "live one" who he wanted me to meet.  We talked briefly, set up something for after the weather changed and I started back to work.

I noticed another former sponsee was calling during another work lull.  I had not spoken to this guy in over 5 years.  I was surprised my phone directory still had his number and that he was still at that number.  He called because a mutual friend (and, another former sponsee of mine - we'll call him Don), was out and having a hard time getting back to the program.  We talked about Don, caught up a little, he thanked me for saving his life, tears were shed, we made a nebulous plan to grab some coffee, typical stuff.

I prayed a bit and called Don.  I think it sort of creeped him out a bit initially because he was just looking up my number to call me.  He talked about needing to "get back into the book..."  (some jargon we use around these parts) and get back to the solution he'd found a few years ago.  His was the typical story of the life that AA had given him taking him away from the solution that AA had provided.  We talked some about the nature of the disease, the problems with reservations and ego, problems and solutions.  We laughed and cried a little, made a plan to get together, and I connected him up with another sponsee who lives in his town.

I finished up the part of the work that I had to get done just as the weather was bearing down and, still dirty, headed out to the detox to meet the new guy.  We talked for nearly two hours about willingness and life.  He might be ready.  I hope so.  Of course, the similarity of our stories was sort of, well, again, creepy.

I so get that my life really has precious little to do with me...

On a good day...

This was the best day recently...

Spring again, maybe...

So, we had 12 inches of snow on Friday, 65 degrees yesterday (the snow's mostly gone), and we're likely back to more snow tomorrow.

We're going to ignore all that looks like leaves and trash around the pretty posies in the picture, right?

As Mary writes of fall as relief for the oppressive summer, I keep trying to find a toe-hold of optimism in spring.  And then, the weather fails us again.  That whole circle-of-life thingy just doesn't seem to do it (provide the answer and solution I need/want), some days.

I think that's why I'm encouraged to place my faith, belief, trust in something that is bigger than all the circumstances in my life.  Bigger than my family.  Bigger than my job and the relationships I have.  Bigger than the politics, society and culture in my land.  Bigger than the weather.

Today, with any luck at all, I will have a chance to grow that faith.

Loopholes...

In my little community, there's a story in this morning's paper that talks about removing limits to the sizes of basements.

We have some old neighborhoods where the average house size is less than 1,000 square feet (not exaggerating).  These neighborhoods have become quite desirable (over $500k) and, of course, some people with more money than brains have moved into town and either scraped or "remodeled" these houses and put up 15,000 square foot (again, not exaggerating) manor houses.  Needless to say, the neighborhoods are in arms about this and have finally, in the past 3 years, gotten control to where these sorts of upgrades are limited.

Now, however, we are looking at basements.

I've always loved looking for loopholes - reasons why the rules that should rightly apply to you and everyone else should not apply to me.

As my wife (also an admitted drunk) was reading parts of the story to me, she seemed disappointed when I suggested that they would probably limit the basement size to the dimensions of the lot.  Our minds were "off to the races!!!"  Maybe you could just put in multiple levels of basements?  You could preserve the 1,000 square foot footprint of the house and have a 3+ level, 14,000 square foot basement underneath it.  Why not?

The idea that the same rules that apply to everyone else should apply to me has been a hard-fought concept.  The posted speed limit seemed to be a good place to start.

Granted, getting 2 speeding tickets last year helped me to my surrender.  The $500/month surcharge on my car insurance helps keep me surrendered.

But, the spiritual principle of humility has not come easy for me.  A dear spiritual guide and friend of mine who died 5 years ago last Sunday was fond of the saying: "I'm not a human being trying to attain a spiritual state.  I am a spiritual being trying to learn to live in a human state."

For today, without looking for loopholes....