Marriage...

This picture is of my wife and I on our wedding day, 20 years ago today. Well, not really... I don't think we even used them on our cake...

I stand amazed that I've been married to this woman for 20 years. We are in Seattle visiting g'kids for a week so it's truly perfect. We toyed with the idea of doing something special for this day but realized that 20 didn't seem to be a real milestone so we're just taking the day in passing and being in a part of the world we really love with people we really love. Sometime, we will really have a bigger celebration. Between us, we've been married to somebody for over 28 years (how would you count it?) so we really think it's about time to celebrate some year..

Her name is the same as my last wife so I just refer to her as the incumbent. In the spirit of this blog, we'll just call her "J".

J does not read this blog so I think it would be a great time for me to give my best shot at marriage advice - how you can become and stay married for 20 years. If you see this article disappear, you'll know that she found me on the web ;-)

1. Meet as "boy meets girl on AA campus" - it helps if you're less sober than her and you hook up with only 9 months so you can remind her and her sponsees that she 13th stepped you...
2. Date/hang out for ~3 years and then decide to buy a house together
3. Learn that the whole purpose of children in these years is to attempt to drive you appart
   
4. Live together for a few years
   
5. Turn to Al-Anon to save your life (and perhaps J's as well)
6. Then, decide to get married when "...you can't think of any real reason not to..."
   
7. When J can't stop crying for 9 months after your marriage, decide to not take it personally
8. Get a really good sponsor
9. Talk to that sponsor a lot
10. Learn to really depend on a sponsor and a higher power with sufficient power to save both your life and your life with/or without a relationship
    
11. Learn that, not only are you always wrong, she is always right
12. Practice the principle of #11 in all your affairs
13. Notice that the same principles that work in AA can work in your marriage and your family
    
14. Never "work on your marriage" (that was the only time we nearly lost it)
15. Get closer to your sponsor
16. Accept almost every AA service opportunity offered
17. If no one offers an AA service opportunity, create one
18. Create your own home group
19. Realize that god can be in your life, relationship or no relationship, money or no money, etc.
    
20. Build an extended family modeled on your family of choice in AA
21. Be more than a little crazy - your kids expect it and your g'kids need it
    

That seems like enough for now...

What a wonderful life this has been...

Response...

I spent the past several days doing some "research" on material that is on the web that is negative about AA. I don't think the reason for this is particularly interesting or relevant. I won't do this stuff the favor of mentioning directly here it but there is really a lot out there - probably more that is negative about AA than what is in support of AA if search engines are to be believed.

It left me feeling sad and hurt. I spent some time thinking what I could do in response to my feelings about this research and it finally occurred to me that the best thing to do was nothing. Then, it occurred to me that this blog might be the best forum for me to do nothing on. So, here are a few responses to some of what I've seen:

Allegation: AA is a cult.

Response: While I appreciated the disparaging intention in this accusation, when I look at the dictionary.com definitions of cult, several definitions do fit what I generally consider a part of AA. We do like our different rituals and we do expect some general conformity from members (e.g. not drinking). There are also popular parts of our fellowship where there is guru adoration and the stuff that would be as familiar in Jim Jones' Jonestown as any AA meeting hall.

My own experience is that we "...create the fellowship (we) crave..." (Big Book, p. 164) and that I would be the 1st to criticize some of what is done in the name of AA as not conducive to my recovery from alcoholism. But, increasingly, I've seen where what seems like weird stuff to me can be useful to others. So, my general attitude is "live and let live" and look for what I can contribute in my little AA community.

Allegation: Bill and several of the co-founders were scoundrels, crooks and ill-intentioned opportunists.

Response: In a strange and perverse way, I find a great deal of comfort in hearing of how "bad" some of these folks might have been. That Bill might have been a womanizer or some of our early trustees might have been politically impure gives me a little hope. My own life, before and in recovery, has been less than stellar. I judge my moral behavior probably on a similar scale to what Bill did and the fact that we can both come up short (far short in my own case) gives me hope that I might be useful with the imperfections that I own.

Allegation: The General Service Office, AA World Services Board, AA Grapevine Board, General Services Board, and other parts of the organization are corrupt business entities.

Response: I'm pretty sure that some or all of these organizations are, by nature, self serving and that some of the individuals involved (e.g. Trustees, General Managers, etc.) may have agendas that include accumulation of wealth and fame. Again, I find some perverse satisfaction in this. I believe that, for the most part, our leadership has genuinely had their hearts in the right place - probably few, if any of them, have ever woken up in the morning and planned the demise of my beloved AA organization.

But, misguided or deliberate, I feel there is some justification of criticism where these organizations have made business decisions absent proper respect for our spiritual principles. As I've heard a number of times, what we do in service to our organization is often much less important than the way we make our decisions and do what we do. As someone who's been criticized as violating the spirit of our fellowship in business decisions I've participated in, I can appreciate the sensitivities involved in this.

However, I most fault the corporate mistakes I feel we've made (e.g. - secrecy, lawsuits, licensing, bad investments, bad priorities) with the possibility that the fellowship has never stepped up to the "ownership" of our organization as outlined in Concepts 1 & 2. There are many contemporary examples (from the 2009 General Service Conference) where the upside-down triangle of our organization (with the AA Group at the top) has been inverted in how decisions were made and setting of organizational directions. Allegedly, our organization could be completely changed or reorganized at the initiative of the Groups, given sufficient cause. It might be time to test that authority in at least some areas of interest.

It's also interesting to note that things are today as they ever were. Bill had as many or more issues with the organizations and boards that he created as any of us ever had. There is a balance and tension, by design, between the business interests and spiritual principles by which we wish to do this business. I don't think this tension is "bad" - only that, over time, it must be constantly and diligently monitored. My opinion is that we've failed to do this, as a fellowship recently (perhaps ever...).

Other allegations: There are many stories "out there" about individuals being seduced into immoral or illegal behavior by groups or individuals acting in the name of AA.

Response: I hate each and every one of these examples. I wish we could prosecute perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law and then some beyond.

However, we are a complex fellowship with sick individuals serving sick individuals. For the life of me, I don't know how to "fix" this. Truth is, I don't know that it needs to be fixed.

In my program, God is in charge of my life. From that experience, I've seen even the worst circumstances and my worst mistakes be used for my spiritual growth and betterment.

I believe that the same thing can happen to our fellowship at large. While I hate that anyone would ever be victimized by someone in the name of AA (and I know that it has happened), I don't get to see the whole picture from where I sit. If I observe it happening in my home group or Area, I will do what little I can to make up for it. I hope and pray that other members in other locations will be similarly motivated.

But, in the end, my only hope is that AA will be around as long as it's useful to God's purpose.

...and, I hope that I have the good sense to not be a member one day after AA is no longer useful to God's purposes in my life and the world...

It's the best I've got...

A small thing...

I truly get that, in my life today, the only "big things" that exist are things like "love", "humility", "God", "relationships" - those things that I used to ignore completely or that had little or no meaning or value to me.

The rest of it - house, job, tools, toys, money - are all small things. Probably the smallest of things in my life today (when I am truly recovered and living the spirit-led life that I aspire to) are my judgments (opinions) of myself and other people. Don't get me wrong - I'm clear that I'm not a saint and you probably aren't either - but, most days, I'm willing to give you (and me) the benefit of the doubt that you're doing the very best that you can do and that you are (and I am) willing to grow along spiritual lines. Those that I meet that are not on some sort of spiritual path of growth don't deserve my judgments - in fact, they don't even warrant my consideration at all. They are on their own path and God is in charge of that - not me.

In one of the blogs I read this morning, I was reminded of that part of everyone's share in AA that I still listen most carefully for: do they say that they are going to share

"what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now"

...or, do they say they are going to share...

"...what I was (we were) like, what happened, and what I am (we are) like now"

Again, this is a really small thing to me but I still find it an interesting distinction and may, if someone says it deliberately or mindfully, indicate whether they've signed up for this program in the same way that I have. Perhaps their choice of words could indicate, as Mary posted the other day, whether someone is in Recovery from Alcoholism.

For example, I could share (and have shared) at a meeting that:

• I was born in a small town in eastern Colorado into a family that was more a business than a family - that I started drinking in high school and had this weird life where it always seemed like I was getting somewhere and then would fail at the last minute
• I stopped drinking
• I've had this weird life after drinking where it seems like I get a lot of stuff and relationships and then my life changes (I lose stuff and relationships) but that I don't drink - no matter what

...or, I can relate the same story (life) by saying:

• I was born into a world where I constantly felt odd and off balance - like my people had dropped me on this planet where I just didn't fit in - I found that, when I drank, I could "fit in" but it seemed like this only worked sometimes and that, in general, I just felt worse and worse around my life
• I had an experience where there were 2 undeniable facts about my life and my drinking:
  1. I (and everyone else) would be better if I were not alive
  2. maybe it was true (as I'd maintained for decades!) that drinking was not "the problem" in my life - but - what was equally and undeniably also true was that drinking was not part of "the solution" to the problems in my life
     
• Through joining AA, finding and working with an excellent sponsor, working the steps, being available for AA service - I've been changed as to who I am in my world today and today I live a life that's beyond my wildest dreams. Most days, I can't think of anyone on the planet that I would rather be than me.
  

Again, same story but one reflects what "it" was like++, the other reflects what "I" was like++.

Unless I sponsor you and hear you share or you make the mistake of asking me, I would never point out the difference. It's just a game I play in my head at meetings sometimes.

It truly is the smallest of things...

Enduring lectures...

I am blessed with a couple of people in my life who love to lecture me occasionally about my inadequacies - how what I do is not enough or that I'm thinking wrong or that I don't treat my boogers right or that I'm doing it the wrong way or that I have so much to be ashamed of or that ...

Through the years as I've worked the 12 steps and had several experiences of deeper spiritual awareness, I've had multiple sponsors and guides advise me to shed these relationships - to move on past them and grow relationships that are more nurturing and supportive of me in my life. I must say, I've been and still am severely tempted by that approach but there's something in me that keeps me engaged in these relationships.

I think, in their own imperfect ways, these people love me and I know for a fact that, given the view of the same scene in our lives, what I would see as criticism and harmful, they view as loving and honest.

I stay in these relationships today not because I ever expect them to change how they talk to me (although that would be most welcome any day...), but because I love them and care about them and am committed to the relationship. I feel some level of responsibility and commitment that, for today, prohibits me from leaving.

I sometimes envy the folks I see in our wonderful program who seem to embrace and release relationships like so much jewelry. They adorn their world with supportive and up-beat folks and discard those who criticize or become burdensome. It sometimes seems like that would be a much better world than the one I have.

But, it would not be my world. I seem to need the folks who are in my life. And, often, after enduring yet another lecture or unfair criticism or accusation, I realize that I'm somehow the better for it - that these people really do bless my life in a special way.

I think I bless their lives too...

...at least, I hope so...

Alive

I went to a concert last night. Each year in our community, some folks loosely centered around the university hold a "Conference on World Affairs". It has an interesting, eclectic, highly varied program on politics, world issues and the arts. All the presentations and panels are free. One of the features of the program is a jazz concert (also free) which has never disappointed me.

We went last night and it was an amazing and singular performance. Given where my head's been at the last few weeks/months, I was curious as to what happens when that rapport between the musician(s) and the audience really creates something extraordinary. I suppose when Steve performs or Scott creates art, they are really in touch with something they can interpret for and share with all of us.

So, as I took a brief journey in my head last night, I was aware of the power of the performers' humility - that their generous and intimate sharing resonated with something that made all of us larger than we are.

I've not spoken at many large gatherings for AA, but am aware that it's much the same experience for both the speaker and the listener as this sort of performance - as we share, intimately, a story of our lives, we each become larger and better than we know ourselves to be. The little I have shared and the several folks I've known who do travel and speak a lot have shown me that there's a huge price paid for standing in front of a bunch of drunks and relating - I've observed a similar price paid by my daughter and other talented performers and artists.

Yet, we share - we participate - we grow - we are touched and we become larger than ourselves as we had defined ourselves.

No wonder I'm so afraid of this - of living. I know I have to let go and let the process take me where it will. I have to surrender and trust that where I wind up will be better than where I am now.

It always is.

This morning, I love life.

Ed