Living a Principled Life

Where and when...

2010-05-11T15:05:00.000-06:00

As I've traveled around the country, I've run into the custom where some AA communities and central offices call their AA meeting lists the "Where and When" We're not as creative in Colorado - I think I've only heard them called "meeting lists" here.

For some peculiar reason, the idea of "where and when" just sort of resonated with me today.

Yesterday here it was bright, sunny and at or near 70 F. degrees. Tonight we're in the 30s with up to a foot of snow predicted. It doesn't even stick for a day with the ground and roads as warm as they are now but it still makes a mess and everybody has to grumble some.

I have a few sponsees who are going through tough patches now. I have been too so I've not been real sympathetic to their particular dramas but, increasingly, I'm struck by my sponsor's principle of being simpatico. It seems they're all wrapped up in variations of the drama of "...I don't get what I want, when I want it."

My whole life seems to be about getting to where God wants me to be there when I am needed to be there, and then really being there when I'm there.

Where and when - if I can be "here", "now", my life is a whole different experience.

In sickness...

2010-05-08T10:58:00.000-06:00

OK - I have 3 minutes to upload a blog article to explain my absence (this time for both reading and posting) and the only thing that comes to mind is:

"I've been sick..."

OK - that doesn't work for me either, but it's the closest to the truth that I can find today.

No, I'm not in ill health (thank God!) - what's been going on is:

a new job (thank God!)
fear
lots of work on commitments that have fallen behind
fear
a deep seated ego-illness that has decimated my spirit
fear
judgments by myself and others around me
fear

OK - I think I can see what I could eliminate to regain some of the vast amount of time that I used to enjoy sharing on this medium.

From my own life, that of sponsees and virtually every direction I've turned to over the past few weeks, the message has been all about: "...what is it you're really committed to today? Life on a spiritual basis or dying from the disease of alcoholism?"

Today, I ask God to remove my fear and direct me to who he would have me be.

God is good and AA works...

Blessings to us all...

Stepping Stones...

2010-04-25T12:41:00.000-06:00

I spent the day yesterday walking around Stepping Stones in Bedford Hills, NY. Walking around under blue skies with 75 other AA and Alanon folk and looking into another life and time - in Bill & Lois's life, our fellowship, and all of it.

It was serendipitous that William Borchert, author of When Love is not Enough, happened to be there at the same time. Turns out, he was a neighbor of Lois in her later years and collaborated on this project with her for some time.

As wonderful as this time was (and it truly was), the thing I got clear from all of the evidence of their lives (and there is much there), Bill and Lois were fallible human beings thrust into lives that were way beyond anything they could have imagined.

...like many (all?) of us...

Reflection...

2010-04-18T09:11:00.000-06:00

Last week, I had a visitation by a spammer. It must not have been a particularly skilled spammer in that he/she left comments on about 20 old articles of mine (where no one would probably read) in Chinese characters that most people would probably not be able to interpret on a blog where I can barely write and read English. It offered links to what I presume was a porn portal (I couldn't read it but the pictures were pretty clear).

From being in the business, I know that what really did me this wrong was not a real person but a piece of software that someone is convinced will drive more traffic and revenue to some part of the internet.

Annoyed and tempted to leave the comments in place, I was sitting here this morning and decided to just go back and delete them. While I was there, I glanced through what I'd written. I think this was the first time I'd ever done that (just randomly leaf through my own blog).

I was surprised.

Having done this (blogged) for over a year now, I have no illusions that what I'm creating here is great literature, great art or, great entertainment. There are many more skilled and disciplined than I that do blogging better and more consistently.

On the other hand, some of what I've written was, well, worthwhile. A few of my own articles brought me to tears as I thought back on where I was when I wrote them. Some of them were more readable than I'd remembered them - they came off pretty well.

I guess I need to thank that spammer (person or software) and invite them back sometime.

What it is...

2010-04-15T07:27:00.000-06:00

I'm back in NYC for 10 days. It was a gorgeous day yesterday and it's supposed to be better today.

It's a delight for me to be here.

I used to get to NY/NJ fairly often when I worked for a company that was based out here. When I was laid off from my job, I had sort of presumed that I would never be here again. This is the second trip I've been here this year.

Goes to show you about my plans and ideas and all...

Anyway, I feel I should say something about my post on Saturday, given that a re-reading of it after several comments made it look like I was in some sort of whiny mood around blogging again. I guess, in part, I was. I'd like to believe that I'm above asking for my readers' affections but I don't think that's true either. In he process, it felt like I was in judgment about me for not blogging daily and perhaps readers for their expectations of me.

I wasn't, exactly.

What all that is really about is that I am once again, face-to-face with the nature of the spiritual malady of alcoholism whereby I really would like to show up in my life differently (better) than I am. I am getting that reinforced from a number of sponsees who are doing this dance of death directly with booze or are trying to manage their lives better by lying and cheating - to themselves and others.

I recognize that because I do the same thing myself.

It's great to be here today and be sober.

God bless us all.

Coimmitment...

2010-04-10T09:23:00.000-06:00

As I was settling in to bed last night, I realized I had not written a blog article yesterday. I've been very busy and distracted, but I realized that I'd made time to play Freecell and had spent enough time in my head that I could have certainly found a few minutes to dash out an article.

But, I didn't.

...and, I didn't get my lazy butt out of bed and write an article either...

I have a general idea that I want to write a blog every day. You could say that it's been my "intention." I've not been anywhere near perfect, to date, of meeting that intention. In the past 13 months, I've published about 270 articles and at least one of the hiatuses was over 3 weeks long. So, we're clear: I'm not perfect at this or anything else in my life.

As I started writing this article, I searched this blog for the word "commitment" and was, frankly, sort of startled that I'd liked some of what I've written about this in the past. It would seem from what I've written here that I have a pretty good grasp of the principles and the concepts involved.

So it would seem...

The other thing in my head today is that this past week I was stood up by three different sponsees.

One, I fear (real word), has put himself in the precarious position that he's claimed to have finished his extensive 4th step and has failed to show up, as agreed, four separate times to dig into a 5th step. I've seen that lie expressed in an undone 4th step get people drunk before.
Another had a fight with his girlfriend the night before and wound up oversleeping.
This morning, a young man just didn't show up but, well, I've just not heard his excuse yet.

I have really good excuses (actually, some pretty lame excuses too) of why I've not written an article some 90+ times this past year that the day closed without my meeting my intention.

On the other hand, at best the excuses offered (or not offered but implied) by my sponsees express an underlying rudeness and disrespect. At worst, they may be, in fact, evidence of the character defects that are at the core of their alcoholism.

So, I suppose the "right" way to end this article would be to really express my commitment to show up every single day - reliably and as an example of the recovered alcoholic I aspire to be today.

You'll notice that's not here...

Instead, what I will offer is an acknowledgment of my having learned something today and an expectation that you (and I) will probably judge me by my actions rather than my intentions.

Won't that be exciting for all of us?

Slogging through...

2010-04-08T17:35:00.000-06:00

It's hard for me to imaging that it was a year ago that I'd written an article on trudging. I was just getting started on this blogging deal.

I think back and I can't imagine the year of trudging that came between then and now. I truly am in a whole different place now than I was then and I can't imagine any other path that could have gotten me from there to here.

And yet, I'm not quite sure where I am.

The seeds for my reflections are pretty obvious - some readings of others' blog entries and the beginnings for me of the annual USA ritual of filing income taxes.

As I look back through the evidence of our journey through the past year, I'm jarred at how much was done, how little was done, and how much more remains to be done. I can hold all three of those at the same time and find myself completely frozen to make one little step forward toward accomplishment that seems like such a small deal.

So, I wait. I pray. I try not to over-analyze or think. On a really good day, I steer clear of judgments and projections. I try to reach way down deep and embrace some little thought like: "What would a grown-up do in this situation?"

And then, a window of grace opens up and suddenly I'm able to make that huge leap - not to conclusion. That would be nice but it seems pretty rare in my world. The great leaps I make are to put one foot in front of another. To pick up and dial the telephone. To place one piece of paper with another. To fill out one line on a form.

And thus, another year passes in this brief remaining time on this path.

It's good.

What I don't know...

2010-04-07T08:26:00.001-06:00

My sponsor has assured me for the past several months that all God requires of me in this life is my best efforts. That, beyond that, the life I have is pretty much none of my business.

I think the reason he and I are on this so much recently is that:

I've felt pretty much failed at several endeavors which seem pretty important
There's been more self-pity than I'm comfortable in looking at around some of the circumstances in my life
It just feels like I should be able to be more, do more, have more - there is just a lot about "more" going on in my head these days

The solution?

Give up? Try harder? Both?

All I can say for me is that the only sanity I get some days is from simple acts of love and service.

I know - makes no sense. Life heading in the crapper? Pick up chairs, clean floors, wash ash trays. Hear that flushing sound from being in the crapper long enough? Call all your sponsees - whether you're supposed to or not. Take a new service commitment. Take several service commitments. Have so many service commitments that you can't pay attention to your life? Problem is solved, isn't it?

WARNING: this is not a program for everyone. I wouldn't expect that most people in the rooms of AA are as sick and as needy as I am.

....but, for me, for today, AA works.

....and, it's never felt to me like my efforts are or will be "good enough" - those are just my feelings...

What it means...

2010-04-04T07:44:00.000-06:00

I woke up and wasn't sure what to think about this day and this Easter holiday.

I used to be a Christian and this holiday had huge significance to me in that I believed in and revered both the fact and the symbolism of a resurrection.

It seems peculiar to me that today I truly believe more in miracles and the miraculous (as expressed by a contravention of the forces of nature, space and time) than I ever have. So having set aside my former belief in Christ's empty tomb in my own mind, my head and my heart feel both empty but I have a profound appreciation of what the Easter holiday means for those who believe. There's a small amount of envy felt for those who hold to a faith I once professed.

Hope. Redemption. Love. All great things.

So, this morning I find myself grateful for all those things in my past life as expressed through whatever means they were taught.

And, I'm profoundly grateful for men and women of all faiths and no faith who similarly teach the value of suffering, surrender, humility, faith, hope, redemption and, love.

Mary Louise this morning wrote about character. I still fear that my character will not be strong enough to endure the circumstances that my life holds. I might not have the self respect and the faith sufficient to this life. I guess we never really know for sure until we get through it.

But for today, I am grateful for all the stories and symbols of rebirth and renewal.

It's not at all surprising to me that AA members of old and today borrow heavily from the Christian perspectives of Christmas and Easter. It was much more, in my opinion, than cultural familiarity and convenience. The metaphor for what they were seeing spring up around them in their meetings and their "work" with others could best be described as true expressions of "rebirth" and "miracles."

To Carl Jung, what I see every Saturday night at my home group with more than 100 people could only be called "phenomena." (BB p. 27)

For today, I will attempt to notice, appreciate and honor the miraculous in my life and others and see what I can do to stand with the courage and convictions of those before me. Maybe that's the best observance I can offer this Easter.

...and, also, remember to say thank you, and appreciate that this life is not all about me...

A changing mind...

2010-04-02T09:46:00.000-06:00

When I drank, I never would have told you that I could not control my drinking.

What happened to me - a lot - was that I changed my mind. Often. A lot.

The insidious nature of alcoholism in my experience wasn't that I always drank to excess (though I often did) - it was that, one day I could quit exactly like I'd intended (and the circumstances in my life warranted) and the next day I would find my self struck drunk.

When I'm talking with folks about the "peculiar mental twist" (BB p. 33) that I find defines the mental component of my alcoholism, I will often tell the story of two consecutive nights now over 35 years ago. Both nights, the plan was to stop for a beer or two with some folks from work, then go home to an evening with my family. Night number one, I stopped off at the bar, had a few drinks, was home for supper and an evening with my wife and kids. Night number two, I stopped off at the bar, had a few drinks, decided to stay on past supper (changed my mind) and meet my wife and kids at the school for a meeting later. I called and made appropriate arrangements. You're probably ahead of me by now - a couple of hours later, I again changed my mind and decided not to go to the school meeting and stayed at the bar.

As they were turning on the lights after last call at the bar, I was reluctant to go home, knowing I'd disappointed my family (again) and before oblivion settled in for the night, I seem to remember thinking that it was peculiar that when I'd left work, I had every intention of going home and showing up where I'd said I would that night.

The Big Book says it (among other places) as: "... If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. ... " (BB p. 44)

The real curious thought of that moment after "changing my mind" did not appear all that remarkable to me until I was sober a while.

I have been told that I'm a strong willed individual. I actually hear words like "stubborn", "obstinate", etc. from those that love me.

Yet, I've never had what it took to make the right choice around alcohol. There are other places that I'm similarly challenged with peculiar mental twists in other areas (e.g. showing up in a relationship, paying bills, etc.). I don't know if those other lapses can be ascribed to my alcoholism or my character defects directly but, well, the same spiritual malady seems to adequately explain them and the same solutions (humility, surrender, willingness) seem to allow me to live and improved version of this life.

AA works.

A good idea...

2010-04-01T07:37:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning and decided it would be a good idea to start drinking again.

A simple, straight-forward decision. I've not acquired the booze yet but I really have just had enough of this pain the bother of a life of service. I see others all around me enjoying their lives. And they drink. Why not me?

I know I've had problems with drinking but that was 26+ years ago. A lot has changed since then. By many measures, I'm worse off today than I was then. It seems my experience is that, if you want to have fun, project an image of "importance," and enjoy the real fruits of hedonism, you might as well drink.

So, I guess I'll just drink.

I know this decision will cost me something. My wife will likely leave. The family will follow her. I may as well abandon my home and friends. You know, consequences will come due but, well, some days it just doesn't feel all that neat being me. Really.

So, it's time to escape.

If it gets really bad and I don't die, I suppose I could always come back. I've seen a few do that. Some who try to come back in are able to stay. Others, well, I guess it's just a chance one has to take. It's hard for me to imagine, but I suppose it might be possible (coming back).

I doubt I'll be able to keep blogging when I'm drinking. I really have no axe to grind against AA - it worked perfectly well for me for 26 years. And, it's just not my natural style to go to any special efforts to do something like this. Since I expect to be homeless and without means, it would be unlikely I could find the resources to write much of a blog. At the very least, I'd have to re-title this one and find a new theme to write about. I suppose that's no great loss to the world either.

So, I just thought I'd let y'all know about my latest good idea.

And, if you believe any of this today, you might be as much an April fool as I am....

Out (and in) like a lamb ...

2010-03-31T08:07:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else spend all day thinking of topics you could write a blog article about and then sit down and not remember any of those things?

I thought so...

The old adage of March coming "...in like a a lamb, out like a lion..." (or visa-versa) seems to be false for us this year as it's been remarkably lamb-like at both ends of this month here. Weird some in the middle, but definitely mild at both ends.

Granted, we had a little breeze yesterday (in my little community, we call anything less than a sustained 30 mph gale a breeze), but we're wonderfully mild again this morning.

Don't worry - this is not a weather blog.

I was just wondering how often this phrase we've all heard is true in fact? As an engineer/scientist, I think I can appreciate how little direct effect the weather on one end of a month has on the other end of a month. Probably, this "belief" in lions and lambs comes from the level of variability that happens in March. Last week we had a foot of snow (no exaggeration) and today we're having 70 degrees and sunny skies.

But yet, I found myself expecting harsh weather at the end of the month since it was mild 4 weeks ago.

I suppose this is the most minor of "old ideas" that I am challenged to let go of. I clearly know that it has no likely basis in fact, but it's still what I heard from my grade school teachers (the ultimate authorities of all things true). But, even though we got lambs on both ends of the month this year, I will probably be among the first to recite the lion/lamb balance next year.

I wonder how many other "old ideas" I hang on to?

"I will die poor and alone." "My life means nothing." "Everybody else gets what they want, I can't have what I need." "I just need to try harder."

A few...

But then, next year it could be true that March will...

... a loving invitation ...

2010-03-30T09:27:00.001-06:00

I got an unexpected letter from A.A.'s General Service Office last week. It starts out: "Please accept a loving invitation on behalf of the General Service Board..."

They've asked me to chair a workshop on "A.A. Web Sites" at the International Convention. The workshop is scheduled from 9:30 AM to 11:00 AM on Saturday, July 3 in the Henry B. Gonzales Convention Center, Room 217 A-C.

This is great in that, as chair, I get to participate and I don't have to worry about putting something together to create a cogent talk. The format is that there are 3 presenters who share for about 15 minutes each and then the floor is open for general sharing from anyone attending.

The reason I'm sharing this here now, 4 months before the event is because:

I'm excited, honored and humbled.
Since I blog anonymously, I figured the few of you who might be at the Convention and reading this now could figure out a chance that we could hook up at this session (if we've not figured out a way to meet earlier). I don't plan to drop my anonymous participation here but I see no potential harm in meeting and greeting each other during and after this session.
I don't plan to mention it (my particular participation in this session) again here but it's in my calendar to show up and it would be nice if some of the rest of us could be there as well.

I'm sure this will not be the only session at the International dealing with online experiences (e.g. there is another session titled: "A.A. in Cyberspace: Carrying the Message") - I will probably see some of you at other sessions but I may not know who you are - there will only be 50,000 of us there...

Anyway, I really appreciate the opportunity and wanted to share my exciting news with y'all.

Note: If you want to chair or present at an A.A. International (I think it might be too late for this year as I think the program is set - so you might want to mark your calendar to plug in around 2013-14), the process is to let someone in General Service (GSR, DCM, Delegate, etc.) know of your interest and have them recommend you. While you can send requests and suggestions to G.S.O. directly, I've heard they are deluged with myriad requests and they tend to give preference to those requests that come as recommendations from people they know.

How I was "found" for this slot was that a G.S.O. staffer looked at our Area's web site, contacted the Area Web Chair who, in turn, passed my name along since I'd worked some on the site with her as well as led the Area Web Task Force that created the guidelines which support our Area's web efforts.

I truly hope to see you there.

Nunca! Nunca!

2010-03-29T09:49:00.000-06:00

I attended another Spanish speaking AA meeting yesterday. A 3-1/2 hour meeting (no breaks) followed by a 1-hour feast/fiesta really takes a bite out of your day - it's especially tiring when you've already been sitting in meetings for the whole weekend.

It was important to attend though in that one of the pillars of that community (Spanish-speaking AA) was celebrating his 26 years of sobriety. He's been a good friend to me and many others - there were about 150 people there from all over the state.

Since I don't speak Spanish, these meetings are hard for me but there is so much I can learn. I see what they do as largely an AA Public Information pitch for families and friends in addition to an AA meeting.

The format runs something like this:

After the starting rituals (prayer, reading, etc.), they invite some of the new people (under 30 days) up to share. While they talk about "...really meaning it this time..." and "...going to try harder...", some of the audience laugh and catcall him - suggest they probably aren't really done - etc.
Then people (mostly men) with generally increasing lengths of sobriety and experience, share what they did to get and stay sober and how their lives have changed.
Then (about 2+ hours into the deal), they call special guests to share - people who are General Service Representatives, District Committee Members, Intergroup officers, the area Delegate, etc. about what AA is and is not and how it has impacted their lives and honoring the person celebrating.
Next family members are given a chance to talk. A brother who had 2 years sober at one time and would love to get sober again but just can't seem to make it through a day without drinking. A sister who came from Oklahoma just to say that she is proud of her brother and grateful to AA, Alanon members, kids, grandkids, cousins, everyone is given a chance to say what they think of the birthday boy or anything at all.
Finally, the target of this celebration is given the chance to talk.

As he walked to the podium, tears were already streaming down his dark, handsome face. Even with my exceedingly poor Spanish, I could clearly hear much of what he shared: "Nothing! Nothing! could have prepared me for so much love and gratitude from the miracle of what AA has done for me and my family!!!" ; "...all that I am today, all that I have today, all that I will ever be, I owe to AA..."; "...from a life of hopeless dispair and nothingness, I am now the happiest man in the world, thanks to AA..."; "...AA and God never gave up on my, long after I'd given up on myself..."

I hope you get the idea. Not a dry eye anywhere.

Then, this community who are mostly unemployed or work below minimum wage, fed us all.

Rich, thick, meaty mole. Hearty green chili. Pasta. Fresh tortillas. Cake. All homemade and delicious.

As embarrassed as we were, it was clear that we would offend them if we didn't take extra plates of food home.

My heart is still full. This "work" that we do in AA is important. For ourselves and, more importantly, for others. AA can and will change my life if I let it.

And, it tastes good too...

Bidness...

2010-03-27T17:07:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting at our Area Assembly business meeting which is one of those things that I've observed most of us love to hate. I've certainly have hated my share of these meetings.

But, I've grown more than I can imagine in the 20 years I've attended. As the punchline of that old joke goes, I just can't see how I could have gotten here from there, except through this path.

I hear a lot of comments from sponsees and other members about how "...those meetings are all just AA politics..." or "...I get tired of all the fighting and controversy..."

I've certainly seen more politics and fighting than I've wanted to see.

But, I sometimes wonder how everyone (including me, when discouraged) thinks AA, as a whole (meaning, outside my home group and around the world) will grow and find its way without these conversations and corrections?

So, I feel badly that people like Mary in Africa may not ever experience a meeting like this. I feel blessed and happy that I get to be a part of this deal that is way bigger than my little home group.

I love this deal.

Eat around it...

2010-03-26T10:10:00.000-06:00

The picture on Dave's blog this morning reminded me of a meeting of a Big Book study I was co-leading a few years ago.

We were talking about the 6th step and becoming willing to have these defects removed. A sponsee of mine thought of and shared something that I use as a metaphor yet today. He said:

"...my relationship with my character defects in my life today is like, I'm eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream out of the carton and suddenly discover a turd - right there in the middle of my ice cream. I am disgusted and it sickens me. I feel violated and angry.
Then, I think about it some and I notice that it looks like it's really just one solid chunk in the middle. I really like the ice cream and it seems like a waste to throw out the whole carton. I'm sort of hungry. I think 'I could probably just nibble around the edges of the carton a little...' I wonder how close to the chunk is safe to eat. ..."

I do exactly the same thing with character defects. I've been around long enough and done the work in the program of A.A. so that I always recognize them when they crop up. But, after initially being repulsed by them, I will think "...maybe I'm really OK with self pity this time..." or "...yeah, it's resentment but it's justified and I'm only human..." or "...it's true I'm being selfish but she's being more selfish..." or ...

It's really exactly the same thing as rationalizing how close I can eat without being so disgusting that I can't live with myself.

Probably not the standard I want to live down to today.

The solution is to throw the whole thing out - now!!!

"...Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." BB p. 58

'nuf said...

Anybody there...?

2010-03-25T19:19:00.000-06:00

Several of my most favorite bloggers have stopped doing daily blogs - at least where I know of them - and it's really all I can do not feel like I was once more "...too late to the party because all the cool people are leaving to the next cool place to hang out..."

Or, something like that.

In fact, the number of people that are showing up at this blog is growing slowly (though nowhere nearly as large as those who've left the building). Also, I recently took a 3-week hiatus which, in part, cleared my head a little bit about what I'm doing here. The one thing that is really clear to me is that if I really am either in competition with others, I will loose, or if I try to do anything to drive up my readership, I will lose.

As I figured out yesterday, this (as is the rest of my life) is just not about me. My only hope and sustenance is that I can remember the biggest promise offered in the program of AA is that I can be "useful." On a really good day, that is my intention here along with the other areas of my life.

I will miss those who've gone. I already do. But, as others have observed, seasons change, people come and go and I really need to just learn to deal with it.

Doesn't mean I have to like it (I don't!) - but, it was not my decision that they leave (amazingly, I wasn't even consulted! ;-) ) . It does mean that I will get to learn and grow with it.

Bummer.

Or not...

About me...

2010-03-24T09:02:00.000-06:00

I sometimes get the mistaken belief that my life and what I do in it has something to do with me. Imagine!

Yesterday, I fought myself all the way to show up for a job that I'd put off since last October. Just think of it as a heavy ball and chain around my neck that gets heavier every day since October. To say I was dreading it and the dread was increasing was just such an understatement.

But, God is good, and by His grace I showed up with the best attitude I could muster. The weather was predicted to change and I wanted to make progress before that happened.

When I work, I often leave my cell phone aside as I often make bad decisions (compromising my safety or ability to get work done) about when to accept calls. I noticed a former sponsee was calling and I was in between tasks so I took the call.

He works at a detox and had just spent some time with a "live one" who he wanted me to meet. We talked briefly, set up something for after the weather changed and I started back to work.

I noticed another former sponsee was calling during another work lull. I had not spoken to this guy in over 5 years. I was surprised my phone directory still had his number and that he was still at that number. He called because a mutual friend (and, another former sponsee of mine - we'll call him Don), was out and having a hard time getting back to the program. We talked about Don, caught up a little, he thanked me for saving his life, tears were shed, we made a nebulous plan to grab some coffee, typical stuff.

I prayed a bit and called Don. I think it sort of creeped him out a bit initially because he was just looking up my number to call me. He talked about needing to "get back into the book..." (some jargon we use around these parts) and get back to the solution he'd found a few years ago. His was the typical story of the life that AA had given him taking him away from the solution that AA had provided. We talked some about the nature of the disease, the problems with reservations and ego, problems and solutions. We laughed and cried a little, made a plan to get together, and I connected him up with another sponsee who lives in his town.

I finished up the part of the work that I had to get done just as the weather was bearing down and, still dirty, headed out to the detox to meet the new guy. We talked for nearly two hours about willingness and life. He might be ready. I hope so. Of course, the similarity of our stories was sort of, well, again, creepy.

I so get that my life really has precious little to do with me...

On a good day...

This was the best day recently...

Spring again, maybe...

2010-03-23T10:07:00.000-06:00

So, we had 12 inches of snow on Friday, 65 degrees yesterday (the snow's mostly gone), and we're likely back to more snow tomorrow.

We're going to ignore all that looks like leaves and trash around the pretty posies in the picture, right?

As Mary writes of fall as relief for the oppressive summer, I keep trying to find a toe-hold of optimism in spring. And then, the weather fails us again. That whole circle-of-life thingy just doesn't seem to do it (provide the answer and solution I need/want), some days.

I think that's why I'm encouraged to place my faith, belief, trust in something that is bigger than all the circumstances in my life. Bigger than my family. Bigger than my job and the relationships I have. Bigger than the politics, society and culture in my land. Bigger than the weather.

Today, with any luck at all, I will have a chance to grow that faith.

Loopholes...

2010-03-22T08:50:00.001-06:00

In my little community, there's a story in this morning's paper that talks about removing limits to the sizes of basements.

We have some old neighborhoods where the average house size is less than 1,000 square feet (not exaggerating). These neighborhoods have become quite desirable (over $500k) and, of course, some people with more money than brains have moved into town and either scraped or "remodeled" these houses and put up 15,000 square foot (again, not exaggerating) manor houses. Needless to say, the neighborhoods are in arms about this and have finally, in the past 3 years, gotten control to where these sorts of upgrades are limited.

Now, however, we are looking at basements.

I've always loved looking for loopholes - reasons why the rules that should rightly apply to you and everyone else should not apply to me.

As my wife (also an admitted drunk) was reading parts of the story to me, she seemed disappointed when I suggested that they would probably limit the basement size to the dimensions of the lot. Our minds were "off to the races!!!" Maybe you could just put in multiple levels of basements? You could preserve the 1,000 square foot footprint of the house and have a 3+ level, 14,000 square foot basement underneath it. Why not?

The idea that the same rules that apply to everyone else should apply to me has been a hard-fought concept. The posted speed limit seemed to be a good place to start.

Granted, getting 2 speeding tickets last year helped me to my surrender. The $500/month surcharge on my car insurance helps keep me surrendered.

But, the spiritual principle of humility has not come easy for me. A dear spiritual guide and friend of mine who died 5 years ago last Sunday was fond of the saying: "I'm not a human being trying to attain a spiritual state. I am a spiritual being trying to learn to live in a human state."

For today, without looking for loopholes....

Avoidance, evasion, distraction ... fear

2010-03-20T14:39:00.000-06:00

Welcome to Spring. Really. (Image is from my front yard after sponsee left this morning.)

I love that the 12x12 talks about me: "...our talents for procrastination, which is really sloth in five syllables..." (12x12 p. 67)

I've had ample opportunity the past few weeks to become clear about what "stuck" can look like - even with a bit of sobriety and spiritual insight and experience.

Just to be clear - I do this to me.

Today, I am warm. I am well fed. There is beauty and love in my life in abundance. I am healthy. I have more opportunities to be useful and of service than I can shake a stick at.

And, that's the problem. For the past few weeks I've spent much more energy shaking sticks than I have at being productive and engaged in my life.

What that really looks like, on a real basis, is that I sit down at my computer and, rather than looking for opportunities to make progress on any one of the dozens (not an exaggeration) of things I might be doing to be useful, instead I find some bright fun thing to distract me for hours. Or, I play Freecell. Or, I follow one wild hare or another. For days.

Until the last minute.

Then, with all the heroic efforts I can muster, I try like the devil to protect my image. What that looks like is often: "So, I can't do what I'd intended to do - what's the minimum effort I can put forth and still look like a great guy." You get the picture - we're not talking anything I'm proud of here...

As best I can figure, the basis for most of this non-activity which looks a lot like "sloth" is fear. Fear that, if don't agree to "take on" what you'd like me to do, you'll think less of me. Fear that my best effort won't give be enough to build or sustain the "image" that my ego think it has to have in order to survive.

ugghhhh...

So, now you have it. My dirty little secret. My primary purpose in admitting it here is probably something like a blogged 5th step. (I've already been down this road with my sponsor as my '...another person...' per our program of recovery.) It is truly my hope and prayer that this flaw in my character gets repaired before it kills me.

Truly...

Consequences...

2010-03-16T21:59:00.000-06:00

All of my sponsees eventually get very tired of the expression of my fundamental expression of life: "...consequences are a bitch..."

Some of my sponsees hear that as many as 4-5 times when they call on a day where they are really trying to sell their drama. The ones that have been with me for a while usually will beat me to the punch line when they feel one coming on. I really don't say it to be cruel or to hurt someone's feelings or to do anything other than to seek the acknowledgment that much of what happens that I don't like in my life happens as a consequence of reactions to my beliefs and actions. Just that.

Except, I forget.

This morning, a former sponsee and good friend of mine for 15+ years was having tea with me and he talked about "...the time he blew up his brain on acid..." His life, but, more importantly, his brain was never the same after that fateful time when he was 17. It was just one of those conversations you have around this fellowship - as matter of fact as discussing the weather, he discussed when his brain just ceased to function the way it did before that time of seeking "more."

We postulated on what we know and what we don't know about the experiences of our lives today. He's 30+ years past that time and, although he's got a case of diagnosed mental illness, the best psychiatrist he could get to declared that the problems he suffers from today has nothing to do with his use and abuse of 30+ years ago. I wonder. How could they possibly not be related? It just makes no sense to me when you jack around with neurons and synapses and neuro-function like that, how can it not at the very least scar the brain and nerves? Or give one a serious trauma to the limbic brain.

Then, I thought about all the folks I know who have seriously done in brain cells with a vengeance - or, are seemingly beyond hope and still at it - and again, I wonder.

For people with a spiritual malady like mine, we just like to presume there will never be a piper to pay. We get a lot of relief in our recovery, but I wonder to this day why it is that it seems my emotions or my nerves or just my sense of the world feels out of whack.

Consequences, are, in fact...

OTOH, God's grace is a pretty good deal too...

Sponsorship 6...

2010-03-15T09:39:00.000-06:00

An exercise I often challenge my sponsees (and also myself) with is: "What exactly would you have to give up to call this moment perfect?"

Mr. Sponsor Pants posted an article today that was much along the same lines I was thinking. As usual, he says it better than I.

I am often struck by how hard we try to take a perfect moment and make it into something less than or worse, different than what it is.

I think that's often the hardest thing to do in sponsorship - to be the unflinching mirror of the reality that we get to support those who not only don't want support, but want someone who will instead buy into the drama of the moment.

Instead, I might get to be the cheering section for letting go of those old ideas of what life ought to look like, shedding the myth of a world in which we can control all of the circumstances, discarding the avoidance of consequences we're certain will be unpleasant and permanent.

Coaching someone toward surrender may not feel much like a noble endeavor, but it's often the best 15 minutes on the phone that I can get for a day.

...because sometimes, I can hear what I'm telling someone else....

Sponsorship 5...

2010-03-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

I was reading with a sponsee this morning (our regular Saturday AM gig) from "There is a Solution":

"... We are average Americans. All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds. We are people who normally would not mix. ..." BB p. 17

It wasn't until just reflecting on that now, some 7 hours later, that this young man is less than 1/2 my age. I've been sober longer than this guy has been alive. He has never known a world "before the Internet." etc. He's in school. I've forgotten what that could even possibly feel like. He's dating and wildly raging in hormones and life and death feelings about acceptance and approval. I've pretty much forgotten what that feels like as well.

Anyway, as I stated in an earlier posting, this is what I often do - read the book with someone and see if we can have the same experience that they talk about in the book.

This ancient, imperfect book seems to have reached down and grabbed this young drunk with a solution.

I love to see that happen.

Sponsorship 4...

2010-03-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

We had one of the best jail AA meetings we've ever had at the facility I'm at monthly last night. However, increasingly I feel we do folks a dis-service to attempt to have a regular AA meeting behind the walls. As I've shared here in the past, this meeting has gone from behaving like an AA meeting to completely off the wall and now seems to vary somewhere in between.

It doesn't take much to figure out why:

Most (probably 95%+) of the folks there are really unclear about what AA is and what it is not
As I am only there once every month (and most of the other volunteers rotate the same), it's hard to "own" a program when as many as 75% of those attending rotate through in a month
Few of those that generally attend (including those who chair) identify as alcoholics
Occasionally, we have well-meaning case managers who "require" their charges to to come to the AA meetings

So, as we went around the room with the 8 people there last night (thankfully, case managers seem to not be requiring meeting attendance now), it was a small miracle that everyone shared and at least 2-3 of them might be willing to look for a solution to their drinking problems while outside. One of them mentioned how he wished they could get AA sponsors to work with them while they are incarcerated.

I've been thinking for a long time what might serve these guys and AA a lot better would be to either develop a sponsorial relationship with them or to have a weekend workshop where we could completely explain the AA program of recovery and even get them started working on the 12 steps. Both these have faced huge security roadblocks in the past.

In other areas, AA meetings are being shut down in prisons. The reasons are varied and beyond what I want to go into here but it occurred to me last night that, in many cases, it might actually be a good thing for AA and the inmates to finally shut this meeting down. Rather than experience what, to me, is often a caricature of what an AA meeting is, they could instead learn about an AA program of recovery that could help them sober up while locked up and then join the fellowship when released.

Hard to know. As I related in that other article, up to 100% of them committed their last crime while drinking so I keep thinking that, at worst, what this meeting may be or become is some sort of Public Information opportunity. As to a real solution, these guys need one-on-one time with someone who can take them through the program of AA as outlined in our Steps, Traditions and, Concepts.

For now, I pray that God's will be done and that, when that moment of Grace meets that moment of oportunity, they can and will find a solution in their lives.

I hope that God can handle that.

I think he can.

Sponsorship 3...

2010-03-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

One of the things that I've found myself least successful at is "...sponsoring others into AA service..." I've been active in AA service at many different levels - from group to Area, as well as sponsorship itself - for at least 23 of the past 26 years. Far from the drudgery that many people understand "service" to be, I've found it a vital and continuing part of my growth in recovery. It's seldom been painless, but, as the way of my life has often gone, I couldn't have gotten from there to here over any other road. It has been drudgery at times, but my life's most fast friends today are all folks who I got connected with through AA service gigs.

It's puzzling to me why so few people get engaged in some level of AA service. I heard my wife (also in AA) make a statement today that "...It used to be that you took your AA service commitments very seriously and, as a part of that, you learned to take yourself less seriously. Today the sentiment largely seems to be that I have to take myself seriously and that the only service I will do is what's fun and easy for me."

Evidence of her belief: our local District is hosting a "game night" to promote AA unity and fun. Used to be the only thing we did as a District were things that directly furthered the causes and purposes of AA.

Interesting.

I don't think they are "wrong" for having a fun event - or even having a fun event sponsored by an AA District. What I marvel at is that, among my current slate of sponsees, so few (about 1/2) can seem to make time in their busy, recovered, lives to do 12-step work, PI work, take meetings into jails or anything that gets in the way of their busy, recovered, lives.

The fact that I see my life and my program in almost the opposite terms - I do what I do as a consequence of and often because of my commitment to AA - and they choose another path sometimes feels like I've failed them and the program.

On the other hand, I'm sober today and so are they.

I guess AA works.

I hope so.

Sponsorship 2...

2010-03-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

During my 3 weeks away from blogging, I thought some about discussing how I sponsor the guys I sponsor (all guys - no gals).

This is not intended as a "how to" guide as I feel I've had many relationships that were not satisfying or "successful." In fact, I really try not to look at relationships - including sponsorship - as success or failure any more. Some of my most "successful" sponsees have drank or left the program and relationships that I questioned for many, many years turned out to be the joy of my life today. I can't tell.

Early on I was encouraged by "...any 12-step call I make where I stay sober is a success!" I guess I have the same attitude about sponsorship. I'm sober 26+ years as a direct result of, not so much being sponsored or sponsoring others, but being willing to show up in an uncomfortable relationship with intimacy and honesty that is way outside my comfort zone - on a good day, I deliberately only look for ways I can be useful or learn how I can become who God would want me to be. There are many good days I've had sponsoring people.

I spent the first several years in the program in "sponsor envy." I would hear AA speakers talk at length about "how they were sponsored" and think what I was missing - that, one more time, I'd joined a club and not followed the rules or found the secret relationship that would lead to my success.

Truth is:

I've never sponsored anyone the same way I was sponsored or have ever been sponsored
I've never sponsored any 2 of my guys the exact same way

I've just sort of figured this thing out along the way.

My M.O. for the past 15+ years for most guys has been that we just sit down and read the book. I usually read it to them - one paragraph at a time. This 75+ year old, flawed (in my opinion) piece of literature still seems to speak to the heart of the "real alcoholic."

You can't be around as long as I have and be as curious as I am and not pick up lots of history and stories and experience which seems relevant so I share that as I feel led. That means this can be a really, really, really slow process. Elapsed time from the start to a completed 5th step and working on amends varies greatly but has been as short as 3 months and as long as a year. I try to be open to the spirit or the mood.

Since I live a pretty full life, the only times I can commit to consistently are early morning. Right now, my earliest guy comes to my house at 6am (has been 5am in the past) - the latest at 7:30 am. I generally have 5-6 mornings a week spoken for each week. I've let go of the 1-hour time limit I used to have so sometimes we chat for an hour, sometimes for more than 2.

After we've gone through this process for a while (has varied from 9 months to 5 years), we seem to evolve into a sort of "checking in" with infrequent link-ups at lunch, service events, etc. I am heavily involved with some members, only see others during scheduled times.

Again, this is just my experience. I think I'll be sharing about it for a while so I hope it is useful to someone. As Mary pointed out in a comment yesterday, your experience with sponsorship will vary if you're in the wilds of Africa. I think a future article might relate some of my experience with blogging and sponsorship. As a few of you have pointed out, sponsorship is a deeply, personal relationship that probably has nearly as many variations and differences as members trying to do/be sponsors/sponsees. The blogger who has best, in my less than humble opinion, articulated much of my perspective of the AA program (including sponsorship) is Mr. SponsorPants. I'm glad I don't have to compete with him at any level.

I'm just trying to share how sponsorship has worked for me - and not. If you'd like to share some of your experiences, I'd love to hear and learn from them as well.

Sponsorship...

2010-03-09T14:00:00.001-07:00

The picture above was taken Tuesday from a parking lot near where I've met with a sponsee every Tuesday morning for breakfast for over two years now. It was actually taken 3 weeks ago when I thought I was going to return to blogging regularly. That plan didn't work out.

All I think I'm going to say about my hiatus from blogging now is that, even with (or perhaps especially because of?) 26 years of continuous sobriety, one can still get really get sick in the head. I have been. Mercifully, I've not done anything stupid beyond repair (yet) and I hope I can get back to regular blogging.

As I've reflected some on the drama in my life and program and considered what others have written about recently, I realize that, for me, it all sort of boils down to what we call in AA: "sponsorship."

When I asked my current sponsor to sponsor me almost 3 years ago, it was after my previous sponsor had fired me (it was a really bad time in my life) and I was feeling desperate. We were at a conference together and I finally buttonholed him on Sunday morning and asked him with more desperation than he was probably expecting from someone with over 2 decades in the program. He took a deep breath, thanked me, and responded "...well, these days, I don't really like to think of myself as a sponsor. I prefer to just be available to people as an AA 'special friend'."

I remember thinking at the time "...well alright a-hole, you can call yourself whatever you want to call yourself but I really need a sponsor and so I'm going to call you my sponsor." In fact, I think I shared some such sentiment with him and he just sort of assured me that "he'd be there for me."

As I reflect back over the past 3 years, I've realized that I really needed more of a friend who I could be honest and accountable to more than someone to "instruct" me on this path. I realize now how inadequate the word and definition of "sponsor" is to what I share with this man and how important it is. I've never known an earthly brother, but even that is inadequate metaphor. Someone who just genuinely cares about me and hurts when I hurt (whether self inflicted or not) - he often uses the word "simpatico" with me. That's not it either but it's closer.

Another friend of mine in the program shares often that the "crisis" he sees in A.A. is a result of 2 things:

Our unwillingness or inability to do our own 12th-step work
Failures of sponsorship as an institution in A.A.

I'm not a perfect sponsor. I know that because I don't compete. I have guys that I "sponsor" that I'm reasonably sure I'm doing more harm than good for. I hate it but I've not felt led to terminate our relationship yet. I've "fired" other sponsees when it was not the "right time" and learned lessons from that. So, I hang in there and try to be a friend, or at least useful to them.

Others, like my Tuesday breakfast, we share an intimacy that is probably only comparable to what might be shared with a psychiatrist or a priest. And, I'm clear, the only real qualification I have for that trust from him is that I drank myself to the very brink of insanity and/or death and then, by the grace of God, found a program of recovery that has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams.

Sorta wierd...

A.A. works that way....

Life...

2010-02-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

Life has been presenting me some challenges/opportunities (are they the same thing?) that have gotten in the way of my writing regular blog articles the past few days. I can't say that they've even consumed all the time I could have written, but, well, it's just not been possible for this person to get an article out every day the past few days.

I hope/plan to get back to writing regularly in a few days.

Since I was sick before, I just wanted to let those that care know that is not what this is about - I'm healthy enough but am thoroughly distracted right now.

It's probably no accident that this patch of my life has come up close to my anniversary of starting this blog (last March). As I remember, the thought I had at the time is that I would try this for a year and, if it (the blog and the efforts to create it) were useful, I would continue.

My inclination is that blogging will remain a part of my life for the foreseeable future (for me, foreseeable might be today or tomorrow but I generally make commitments in annual increments, at least). As to the form or if I will have the luxury of continuing blogging at least 3-5 times a week, that is all up in the air for now.

Anyway, I miss it (a lot!) when I can't write up anything and I miss it even more when I can't comment on the articles of those of you whom I have come to care much about. I plan to explain more about what my thoughts are when they are more fully developed in a few days/weeks/months.

As to the details of the challenges - it's all just bound up in the drama of the disease and my life. I'm sure there will be material for several articles when we get around to it in a few days.

Until then, I wish us all God's best.

Quitting...

2010-02-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

I had my regular breakfast with a delightful 20+ year sober sponsee this morning. He'd had a particularly frustrating and discouraging weekend and, as we were leaving after his expressing his frustrations for nearly an hour, he asked me "...have you ever just felt like quitting AA?"

I had to take a deep breath because there's a short answer and a long answer to this question. The truth is that I've been given a life beyond my wildest dreams as a direct consequence of AA. AA really does work.

The medium-length answer is that, over the years, I've often felt like quitting AA - even knowing that it might be my death sentence to leave. No, maybe especially because it would probably be my death sentence. But, that's probably another article.

There are basically a few reasons I've really been ready to throw in the towel on AA over the years:

Early in sobriety and many times since, I would sometimes look around the room and get pretty judgmental and say "these guys and girls are all losers and hypocrites." I still do occasionally. Sometimes, frankly, I'm just embarassed to be apart of this family.
I look at what we've made AA to be - the chanting, the opinions espoused, the religiosity, the latest pop psychology - and I just hate it. It seems foreign to me and what I knew this program to be many years ago.
I've felt that some members have become friends and then hurt or betrayed me. Their hypocrisy or the way they've used me have caused significant pain.
It all seems like such a huge waste of time. I spend hours each day practicing the program or attempting to be of service to others involved in this program. It really seems like this time would be better served with making a living, being useful in my family or, just finding an interesting hobby.

I think there are many other reasons I have for quitting AA but they might also just be variations of the above. I don't think it's worthwhile to come up with an exhaustive list.

So, against that, I have some different ways of looking at these same ideas:

Any family has people who are more successful than others or folks who could be an embarrassment. Heck, I've even been the one who I've known some people are embarrassed to know so who am I to talk or judge? At my largest home group meeting, it's not an exaggeration to say there are 35-50 people there on any given Saturday night who would go to any length available to them to support me in my sobriety. I've never had a family like that anywhere else.
I realize that, today, I am responsible for what AA will be in the future. If I don't like what it is today or its general trend, I need to become active in making it into something different. It's part of why I became a co-founder of aarenewal.org. It's a privilege to, perhaps, be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Besides, as a fellowship, we've been arguing since 1936 as to what is the "right" thing for AA - mistakes of AA leadership in the past seem much more egregious or dangerous than the ones of today.
In every case where my feelings have been hurt or that there's been betrayal, it's been as a direct result of my either projecting intentions or commitments that were not there or I've been attached to people being something they weren't or I've been too sensitive or taken myself way to seriously. I can't think of any other way I might have learned these lessons.
For every minute I've invested in my and others recovery, I've received countless dividends. Frankly, the world is not knocking my door down to ask for my professional contributions and my family is happy when I can be involved with them but are just as happy when I let them get on with their own lives. The principles I've learned in AA are the only things I think that make me attractive to anyone else in my life.

So, while I have times of discouragement and despair in AA, on a good day I can see where all of those times have led me toward growth that I really could never have accomplished in any other way. On a really good day, even my discouragement and feelings of hopelessness in AA can be useful to someone else on the same journey as I am.

Today was (is) a really good day.

If...

2010-02-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, I've had hat the lyrics to "If I Were a Rich Man" stuck in my head. Probably not all that surprising given that, off the top of my head, I've worked on 6 productions of Fiddler on the Roof in the theater, have seen it produced by others (including on Broadway) at least 8 or 10 times and have seen the movie countless times.

About the only relief I get from that the past few days seems to be when I'm working with others and then the tune in my head has largely been "Tradition."

When life gets uncomfortable for me, I can so relate to Tevye in fantasizing it being improved by money, relationship changes, political differences, changes in the weather, whatever. Likewise, when people are struggling in any way with compliance to the principles of AA, my answer wants to be "...because you just have to do it that way if you want to stay sober."

Yet, people in far worse situations and circumstances than mine all over the world are happy and grateful. People who work a radically different AA program than I get sober and seem effective in their lives. I guess my only natural response to that would be that I would have to hate them for that.

I thought I was over my head cold last Wednesday but this morning was the first morning that I've felt anywhere over 80% towards normal. Last Friday, I finally had the bright idea that I could move the Kleenex box down from the shelf to the place where I could reach it while at my computer. I'm a pretty slow study sometimes.

Anyway, when I'm sick (in many different types of ways), my "situation" becomes more intolerable and it seems the only think I can bring to the table is judgment/condemnation.

Seems I still have some things to learn. I guess that's why I'm here. As my sponsor continues to remind me: "All that is asked of me is my best effort." God seems to add to that whatever additional is needed. With God's help, I can learn and life will continue to surprise me with blessings aplenty.

That's been my experience so far.

Aw shucks, I'm going to live after all...

2010-02-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

I've been sick (head cold) for the past 3 days.

I have lots of experience around sickly, heroic people. People who rise above their challenges and accomplish amazing things while presented with ill health or tough life circumstances. While I was laying around this past weekend, I watched the program Temple Grandin, a semi-documentary movie of Temple Grandin on HBO. It truly is amazing what people can accomplish when so many odds are stacked against them.

I'm not those people.

I get a head cold and it serves as an excuse for an extremely self-centered me to focus more on me - How am I feeling? Am I going to die? Can I get something out of this? Can I disappear and nobody notice? Am I going to live?

Way to much of me for me.

The good news is that I feel better today.

The even better news is that, so far, I've thought about at least 2-3 people besides myself today.

God is good.

...and AA works.

Haven...

2010-02-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

I spent some of the weekend at a local conference with a theme of "Haven at last." Comes from our Big Book:

"Many a man, yet dazed from his hospital experience, has stepped over the threshold of that home into freedom. Many an alcoholic who entered there came away with an answer. He succumbed to that gay crowd inside, who laughed at their own misfortunes and understood his. Impressed by those who visited him at the hospital, he capitulated entirely when, later, in an upper room of this house, he heard the story of some man whose experience closely tallied with his own. The expression on the faces of the women, that indefinable something in the eyes of the men, the stimulating and electric atmosphere of the place, conspired to let him know that here was haven at last." BB - pp. 160

I just love that....

Solution, the...

2010-02-05T09:08:00.001-07:00

In a comment left on yesterday's article, dAAve posted a comment to the effect of "Solutions?". This was interesting to me in that I thought I was actually representing a solution when I wrote it. I could see where it would be seen that I was simply griping about living in the selfishness and self-pity and, well, self.

I'm one of those rare folk who truly see the nobility of Sisyphus - as the rock rolls back down the hill, I really am grateful for the purpose, direction, strength and grace that I have to roll that rock back up again. Where others see futility, I see a heroic effort and an answer to a life that has just always been beyond me. My hope today is not only that I will get a huge income and fancy toys. My (sometimes successful) pursuit of money and material goods has all but ruined me, drunk and sober.

What this life is about for me, today, is that I can be true to my task. Again, carefully hidden in our Big Book are the directions:

"... We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. 'How can I best serve Thee--Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will." BB - pp. 85

So, what I understand for today is that I get to apply my will to learning how to serve God. How can I be useful? What can I contribute? Where can I offer love and tolerance?

On a practical basis, this gets worked out in some queer ways (sorry guys - you know what I mean ;-) ). Yesterday, I spent $175 that I don't have on some computer equipment that will upgrade my tools/infrastructure so that I can make some progress in developing some software that I've committed to provide. Makes no financial sense (maybe). Makes no practical sense (maybe). But, I've avoided dealing with this part of my life for nearly 3 years now and it was really "the next thing.™" I'm trusting an instinctual nudge that just seemed to indicate this was right.

I wish I had a clue what the vision thing is about - I sometimes think I have an idea where it might go and then, well, surprise!

The thing I really want to be clear about today though is this is not a veil of tears. This is not drudgery. The truth is, as best I can express it, that in sobriety my circumstances have been up, down, easy and challenging. When I have applied my "...proper use of the will", I have had an amazing life regardless of my circumstances. For alcoholics like me, AA works. It has thus far, and I believe it will into the future.

I truly have had a life beyond my wildest dreams in my time in AA so far.

I can certainly see where someone who isn't an alcoholic would be reluctant to step into the harness of recovery as outlined in AA. How, would one cure low self esteem, selfishness, self pity, etc. by carrying a " ... vision of God's will into all of our activities ... "? How indeed?

For this drunk, it basically gets pretty simple:
problem = self
solution = God

It just really does work.

I don't feel like it...

2010-02-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

I truly can't remember when a sponsee has offered the "I don't feel like it..." line to me. I guess the current crop know what they will get from me in response.

"...For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that." (my emphasis added) BB pp. 14-15

I've not felt like it much of the time recently. I've been in fear. I'm embarrassed I've been in fear. I've been selfish. I've been embarrassed about being selfish. The list goes on but I recognize it from when I hear it from myself and others. It's just character defects as expressed in the latest drama of the day.

And, I have a sponsor that I really think I could convince him that my sorry lot in life just deserves a rest. In my heart, I think I could get by with that about as readily as convincing him that it would be a really good idea for me to drink. It might happen.

Truth is, I think my favorite sentence in our Big Book is: "... With us it is just like that." It's an amazing catch-all that really, does, in the final analysis, explain it all. Every little bit of it.

'nuff said.

What's up...

2010-02-02T14:44:00.001-07:00

I have no real excuses for not having posted the past few days. I just haven't made the time to do more than read and comment. I generally seem to much prefer that to writing my own entry these days.

My life since Thursday (my last post) has been too much self and too little thought of God and others.

The activities have included:

working on my computing environment and making a commitment to learn some things I've been skating on (just sort of not committing to really learning about and improving my network but hating the problems and patching together a framework which sort of works, some of the time) for over 2 years
my wife had an AA deal in Buena Vista, CO (about 4 hours from here - lives up to it's name) on Saturday night and we had a gorgeous drive over there
some wonderful folks there put us up for the night but I had to fly to NYC on Sunday morning so we had a gorgeous drive back over the mountains in a wonderful full moon early Sunday
I arrived in NYC on Sunday afternoon and got to walk around the upper west side and experience some of what I love (the people) and what I hate (all those people in a small area) about NYC
I interviewed for a voluntary position there Monday afternoon and learned that the fact that the interview didn't come off well had precious little to do with me - I gave, I thought, a pretty good interview but the fact that the people who will make the decision were not there (along with other factors which might weigh against me) mean I will probably not be offered the job/service opportunity - that could well be a very good thing...
I flew home last night and got home more tired than I'd like but I will get over it

During that time, I had plenty of time and opportunity to write an article but didn't.

My life feels like it's in a (major?) transition. I've hesitated to put this observation down in a blog article because it's felt like that for over a year now (it's part of what brought me to writing here in the 1st place). It just seems like I'm ready to cease fighting and let go of whatever resistance I have but I can't, for the life of me and with all the inventory and honesty I can muster get to anything I can do. Writing this, I realize I'm just frustrated - yet more manifestations of selfishness and ego.

At the very least, I'm here for now (did you notice? ;-) ) and that is all I've got.

Now, it's on to the next thing...

Thank you.

p.s. the pictures are the best view I got of midtown (I think) from the cab on the way to LGA and Union (I think) on the way out Monday night.

Self...

2010-01-28T12:26:00.000-07:00

Our good friend Philip continues to amaze me and do this deal. I'm sure he is certainly giving me more than I'm giving him at this point.

This morning, we recited the 3rd step prayer together on our knees and he got started writing out his list of resentments. As we read from the book, I realized how very many of the answers for my trials of the past few weeks were suggested in that portion of the Big Book that starts after the part we normally sleep through at the beginning of our meetings:

"The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. ... Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. ...

"... What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. ... He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. ... Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? ... And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

"Our actor is self-centered--ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. ... Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

"Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. ...

"So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! ... Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. ... We had to have God's help.

" ...First of all, we had to quit playing God. ... Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. ... "

(3rd step promises?)

" ... (1) We had a new Employer. ... (2) He provided what we needed ... (3) we became less and less interested in ourselves ... (4) More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. ... (5) we felt new power flow in ... (6) we enjoyed peace of mind ... (7) we discovered we could face life successfully ... (8) we became conscious of His presence ... (9) we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. (10) We were reborn.

" ... 'God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!' ... " BB pp. 60-63

Seems pretty clear: Problem = Self

I can't fix a selfish, sick mind, with a selfish, sick mind.

Philip asked me: "...So, at some point does this become, like, an automatic thing? This surrender?"

I wished I could give him a different answer than what my experience is. I assured him that, over time, I've developed some different responses and that I'm not as reluctant as I once was around noticing and acknowledging that what was going on was just another manifestation of the selfishness and self-centeredness that I've discovered as a result of this process.

But, for today, my selfishness didn't have to result in acts of homicide or suicide.

That seemed to give him some hope.

Imagine...

Talk or sleep...?

2010-01-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

My home group volunteers for Night Watch on Mondays. Night Watch is when the phones from the local central office are forwarded to your phone from 7 at night until 7 in the morning. The thought being that it's better for a real drunk to answer the phone than to have callers have to deal with an answering machine or service.

With those of us that rotate this commitment around our group, about every 2-3 months it's my turn to take the phones. Not to put too fine a point on it, I'm old and I really enjoy my sleep. A lot.

So, it's with no small reluctance that I accept this shot at martyrdom for the service of AA. Many weeks, nobody calls. Last night we had 3. One was a guy who related the "...I have a friend who I think might have a problem..." saga we often hear, another call was, I think, his friend who was probably really trying to call but seemed to just want to hang up rather than talk, and then there was the guy who called about 11:15 - just as I was thoroughly asleep.

After I finally got myself fully awake (not an easy feat last night), he was asking about: "...but does anyone really find a God in this life?" The philosopher/reluctant drunk/lonely guy/"I'm gonna die if I don't stop"/"I have all the answers"/"AA doesn't work for me..." - you probably know the guy.

Our Night Watch process suggests the "right" way to handle a 12-step call of this nature is to get the guy's number, find someone else on our list and, pass the call to them - rationale being that we don't want to tie up the Central Office line in case another call comes in. Sometimes I do that but, more often, I either just work them off the phone with a commitment to show up at a meeting or I indulge them and just "chat" with them wherever their sometimes befogged consciousness takes us. I figure I have call waiting in the unlikely event someone else would call and I'm already awake so why spread the pain of a midnight call if you don't have to.

Last night, for reasons I never really understand, I decided to indulge him for an hour or so and we had a really amazing conversation. Turns out, he's really had a pretty good experience in and around AA. He just can't stop drinking. I assured him that part really sucks. We opined about the nature of willingness and what may or may not be working for him. We discussed what had seemed to work for periods of sobriety for him. ...about our thoughts and feelings around meetings. He said he hadn't yet drank last night (my guess he was lying, what's yours?) but we both recognized the familiar thoughts and feelings that were leading him in that direction, one more time.

We talked a lot about the nature of "God as we understood him" and the broad spectrum that folks use as a concept for God in AA. We also talked about not believing in God and still getting drunk over and over.

After an hour of this conversation, it was time to hang up and I was truly grateful. He said he was too. I suggested some things he might "do", rather than "think." He thought that a novel idea and said he was going to try.

I woke up completely sober.

What could be better?

Happy 100...

2010-01-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

My father would have been 100 years old today. He died in April of 1996. If my parents gave me nothing else, I seem to have the genetics for longevity. But, they gave me a lot.

My father was an amazing man and had an amazing (though seemingly ordinary) life. With only a third grade education, he finished his working life in his 60s as a respected and successful businessman (refrigeration and air conditioning installation and repair - working all over northeastern Colorado). He and my mother (his 3rd wife) were married for 45 years when he died. He instilled in me a strong work ethic, gave a belief that "I can do anything" that made me all that I am today (positive and not) and, gave me opportunities he could never have dreamed of in his hard young life. I still owe him so much.

And, some of the lessons I learned from his life and example were not the positive ones.

As long as I knew him, my father always avoided conflict. You could see in him when something came up with mom, a customer, politics, someone that worked for him, his church - anywhere in his life - he would have an almost visceral reaction and many times act irrationally. Sometimes toward his own detriment. Most of his life, he was just accepted as "quiet" or "shy" but it is obvious, on reflection, that he never wanted to have to take a position and then possibly defend it if someone opposed his view.

I sort of have a sense that this might have come, in part, from some historical experiences I never heard of first hand. There are stories, for example, of him chasing a then wife through the house with a gun. Other stories where it was obvious that he man we knew had a darker past than he wanted revealed. He had secrets up until a life-changing, year-long rehabilitation in a military hospital during World War II. As a part of that rehabilitation, he was sent to a civilian hospital on the Colorado plains where he met my mother, they married, joined a church and created the life I knew (including me).

As he got older, something changed in his head. He reached a point in his late 60s where he could no longer enjoy intense drama in movies or on TV. Light comedy was fine. In his early to mid 70s, this "phobia" ("neurosis" ? I really wouldn't know the right diagnosis or term) expanded to where any dramatic tension at all was too much for him so he would only watch sporting events. In his late 70s, the risk of injury in sport or the tension in a close game was too much for him so he only watched the weather channel (I'm not making this up). About the time he was 80, the weather channel started showing dramatic clips from extreme weather (school buses hanging off cliffs, tornadoes blowing up houses, etc.) so it was no longer possible for him to watch anything on TV. Whatever happened in his head, he would suffer from bad dreams or insomnia for weeks if he was even around a TV with normal programming.

On reflection, I could see that, whatever was going on around conflict in his head caused his world to become smaller and smaller until he really could hardly participate in life.

Up until that time, I had always wanted to be like many of the older people in our community. Unlike my father, we have examples here where we see people active, outgoing, engaged and happy well into their 90s. A lot of them.

I figured that, when I got old, I would develop an appropriate social life and become that who I wanted me to be. I realized , with my father's example, that would never happen for me.

What I realized was that who I am at 85 has precious little to do with what I decide I want to be at 85 and has everything to do with who I am at 45.

One of the many gifts of AA is the knowledge that I can change. Today.

As a consequence, I can't tell you how many times I've forced my decrepit little introverted and intolerant self to an AA meeting, service obligation or social event. Many times, it's the last place my heart would really lead me.

But, I know the consequences of those choices: A tiny world where there can be no conflict or suffering.

God willing, I'm preparing myself for a different elderhood than my father experienced.

God willing.

Doing the deal...

2010-01-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

Mike and I had an uncomfortable conversation this morning. Our common observation is that he's on his way out the door toward drinking one more time because, even though he's living in a halfway house, facing dire consequences and in health, likely still to wind up on the street in the winter - he is not showing up where he says he'll be when he says he'll be there. In other words, he's just "not doing the deal." As best I can figure, we're both pretty much honest with our assessments.

I hate it when I get to this place with a sponsee. In fact, it seems like he's beyond what I can offer (aren't they all?). I've watched him go from a one-year sober mid-level sales executive three years ago to nearly five years to death's door drunk and bouncing in and out of the rooms for the past several months until his life was thoroughly burned down. He is now living in a halfway house where's he's racked up a little over a month of sobriety. You might be able to tell that I'm reluctant to add his name to my sponsorship resume today.

I was ruminating on our conversation when I read the following excerpt from a crime novel, The Girl of His Dreams, By Donna Leon. Four people (two detectives and their respective wives) working on a casual investigation have just attended a meeting of what they presume is a charlatan Christian leader's flock where he very charismatically expressed encouragement of a small group toward "goodness" - it starts with the main character's wife expressing her opinion about the presumed fake:

'... Nothing he said was in any way exceptional just the same sort of pious platitudes you get in the editorials in Famiglia Cristiana,' Paola went on, leaving Brunetti to wonder how on earth she could be familiar with them. 'But it's certainly the sort of thing people like to hear,' she concluded.
'Why?' Vianello asked, then waved to the barman, passing his hand over the four glasses.
'Because they don't have to do anything' Paola answered. 'All they have to do is feel the right things, and that makes them believe they deserve credit for having done something.' Her voice deepened into disgust and she added, 'It's all so terribly American.'
'Why American?' Nadia asked, reaching for one of the fresh glasses the barman set on the counter.
'Because they think it's enough to feel things: they've come to believe it's more important than doing things, or it's the same thing or, at any rate, deserves just as much credit as actually doing something. What is it that poseur of a president of theirs was always saying, "I feel your pain"? As if that made any difference to anything. God, it's enough to choke a pig.' Paola picked up her glass and took a hefty slug.
'All you've got to do is have the proper feelings,' she went on, 'the fashionable sentiments, and make a business about how delicate your sensibility is. And then you don't actually have to do anything. All you do is stand there with your precious sentiments hanging out while the world falls over itself applauding you for them and giving you credit for having the same feelings that any sentient being would have.' Brunetti had seldom seen Paola respond so savagely. 'My, my, my,' he observed and took a sip of his prosecco.
Her head whipped towards him, her eyes startled. But then he watched her play her remarks back and take another hefty swig before saying, 'It was exposure to all that goodness, I think. It goes right to my head and provokes the worst parts of my character.'
They all laughed and the conversation became general. 'I'm always nervous when people don't use concrete nouns when they speak,' Nadia said.

This struck me profoundly. An American author reflecting on the image American's might (probably?) have in a casual Italian conversation. Truth known, I think it's not a completely American phenomena but I can't tell you how fed up I am with our culture where, as Ms. Leon opined, feeling a sentiment is tantamount to actually doing something appropriate in response to an event or circumstance (a disaster, an injustice, etc.). It is a great understanding of what I see in political and religious circles, family and, dare I say, many AA meetings I go to.

I think I can even let go of the cynicism and skepticism I hold at some meetings and better understand the distinction I hear between expressions of the "problem" and the "solution" in AA gatherings.

In our AA program of action, we recover by "doing" things, not by "feeling" things.

I think that might be a part of Mike's deal. We're both watching as he caries his feelings from place to place. I've worked with him to focus on looking for opportunities to be useful and contribute - that seems to have been useful (for ~40 days so far). However, he can't show up (home group, meet with me, etc.) because suddenly he doesn't feel like it. And, the fact the he feels bad about not showing up somehow excuses the behavior.

Wow.

Mom...

2010-01-22T17:11:00.001-07:00

In about 15 minutes, I leave to pick up my mother. We "do lunch" about once a week. I don't even think about these times without reflecting on Pam's chapter with her mom last year.

My mom may outlive us all. She's a feisty 88 years young but she's getting more frail each week and month. She's happier today than I've ever known her in my life. About 12 years ago, she moved from my home town (where she lived for nearly 70 years) to a senior apartment in the town where we live. I suppose most people think she moved to be closer to me but her real reasons for moving were: 1) she was "done" with that small town, 2) she wanted to simplify her life (sell her house, etc.) and, 3) as her luck would have it, she lives on the 10th floor of a rent controlled senior residence with a gorgeous mountain view. She's living today a life that she had only dreamed of a few years ago with lots of senior activities and a bunch of fellow curmudgeons that can always find something or someone to gripe about.

As I've pointed out in a few previous articles, we all get a kick out of the fact that, if you ask her, the biggest problem she has today is that her son (me) doesn't come to visit her often enough. In fact, she will probably let you know that even if you don't ask her.

I have understood it for a number of years that this part of our life is not at all about me doing whatever it would take to please her. I have a lifetime of experience and numbers of AA inventories to assure me of the futility of that. What I get is the great privilege to do what I can to be "complete" with her.

A few years ago, a spiritual guide shared that, when he made his amends to his mom, she stopped him and said: "Son, all I've ever wanted for you in my life was for you to be 'happy'." So, for 30 years, he stopped by her house every Sunday and was "happy" - regardless what was going on with him and his life. That's the model that I strive to follow.

My sponsor and I had a long chat Wednesday night. We covered an area of my life where I've suffered great frustration for at least 20 years. It is at the core of my identity. After a thorough discussion of the truth around my frustration, we talked at some length about St. Francis. We talked way too much for my comfort about "giving with without expectation." We both came to the conclusion that I can't do that. I've never been able to do that and will likely never be able to do it. So, unless God changes something fundamental in me and my universe, it will never change - I will die a selfish death as a result of my alcoholism.

So today, mom and I will have a perfect lunch. As is our style, we might wind up spending the whole afternoon on the quest of the next great health aid. I will probably hear more about bowel movements and aches than I ever intended to hear. I will get to adore her enough that she can't escape the fact that she is special and loved.

(later - couldn't finish without being late)

Our "mission" today was to have included lunch and then run an errand to her doctor's office. Imagine our shock when after we'd successfully beat the lunch rush by getting there at little before noon, we finished lunch and realized the doctor's office was closed from noon to 2pm. What to do?

We got 3 plastic glasses she needed at the dollar store (3 for a dollar), went to 2 grocery stores to get the pumpkin she wanted, went for a quick drive into the foothills to see the deer, got her pills at the doctor's office (yes, they're the same ones carried at probably 20 other stores in our town) and went to her place so that I could open her jars of sauerkraut and beets. It was a pretty typical day with mom.

The same spiritual guide that I mentioned before talked about his frustration when his elderly father would have him drive all over Denver so that he could cash in his free battery coupons at Radio Shack - one battery at each store. He never really used many (if any) of the batteries but he was the battery go-to guy for the family. My guide was complaining about these incredible monthly journeys to his sponsor when his sponsor asked him: "...didn't he do something special for you when you were young?" He tearfully remembered the times that he had his father drive him all over Denver to find a 10-cent comic book he wanted and never complained about the battery trips again.

Part of the ritual of these deals is for mom at some point to express how terrible she feels about taking me away from my day. I doubt that she's really all that sincere about her regret but it seems to be what she needs to say as a part of the dance we do.

I think when I left today, mom felt a little bit special.

I hope so.

Passing it on...

2010-01-21T21:03:00.000-07:00

I had "one of those moments" today.

I have a sponsee who fell and broke his hip a week ago last Friday. They wheeled him in and screwed the hip back together. He's doing fine. He sits and marvels in his condo as he watches this train of guys he sponsors, me, other members from several meetings he attends regularly traipse in and out pretty much taking care of his every need. It's cool to watch. This is the guy who, 3 years ago and with 20 years in AA, didn't have anyone but me in his phone to call when his life burned down (sudden divorce, etc.).

I was over at his place this afternoon putting spikes on his crutches (yes, for real) since he has to get out and the whole thing of crutches on the ice can be pretty challenging for him.

I was between errands and just sort of dropped in and caught him in the middle of a 5th step with one of his guys. It's a small place and so I could hear their conversation from the room I was in but we were all "cool" with that.

I caught my breath as I heard my guy say to his "so, you see, it's not just that we had these ideas as to how life was supposed to work but we really believed that our very lives were at stake - our grasp of the use of these character defects was a matter of life and death for us." I could sense that he was quoting, almost verbatim, a conversation we'd first had over 15 years ago. His guy was "getting it" just the way he "got it."

I sometimes feel inadequate in this AA thing - sponsorship, living in accordance with these principles, my faltering attempts at service, showing up in my life and family as an example of AA working. The whole deal. Another blogger has a great zeal and an articulate and clear way of explaining how we have to take these steps "as fast as we can" and that, typically, his guys don't take more than a couple of months to complete their first time through the 12 steps. I often envy him that.

My busted-up sponsee today took a little over 3 years to complete his 4th step with me. It took us nearly another 4 years to complete the 5th step - to get to the experience he was sharing with this guy just getting into this deal for the 1st time.

He holds my record for taking the longest. As you can imagine, there's a long story that goes with why it took that long and it's certainly not how I recommend doing this deal but, what I got as I attended my menial task this afternoon and listened on with tears of gratitude, something profound had happened a while ago and was, this afternoon, happening again.

AA works - it really does.

Service...

2010-01-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

The host committee for the 2010 AA International Convention is now soliciting volunteers. I promised last year that I would post this information as soon as I became aware of it. As I pointed out in a previous article, while I love our International Conventions, I have survived more than one of them by taking a service commitment while there.

It looks like there's volunteer opportunities on the web site for both AA's and Al-Anon's.

We are signed up (I think you have to register for the convention before you can sign up to volunteer - there's a link to that on the volunteer page). Knowing the folks from Texas AA as I do, you might want to sign up soon so that they don't take all the volunteer opportunities away from the rest of us. ;-) There are literally volunteer opportunities 24 hours a day.

As much as I love you all in cyberspace, I am very much looking forward to seeing about 50,000 of you in San Antonio this summer.

A word on the side - thanx so much for those of you who offered your support and encouragement in comments and email related to my last post. As we seem to have all figured out together, there is no absolute "lesson" in John's awful actions but the only sane response is love and compassion for the families involved. ...and, for John. Sadness is just a part of the deal - and, I think I'm too inclined to simply leave it there - milk the drama and the emotion and not move from there when it's time.

AA works.

Bad people...

2010-01-17T10:07:00.002-07:00

This may be the hardest article I've written so far but somehow, it seems important.

One of our members, John (his real name - it's plastered all over the news so there's little point with anonymity now), has spent the past several years with summers near here in Colorado and winters in Missouri and Florida. He is considered a trusted elder with over 20 years sobriety in our AA community. He has as fine a grasp of the program and our traditions as anyone I know.

He went on a shooting rampage in Florida last Thursday - shot 5 people, killing 3 - 4 if you count the fetus he killed in the pregnant woman that lived. One of the dead is a sheriff's officer. It's a bad, bad, bad, bad deal.

Many in our community are distraught. "How could this happen?" "The John I know could never have done this!" "What happened?" etc.

Of course I've felt these things and more. A lot more.

John has helped me and a lot of other members out through the years. He's a tough man with a bad drunk history and an amazing story of recovery. As one article tried to point out, a Saint and a Sinner. I've had coffee or dinner with him as recently as 3 months ago and discussed the finer points of an AA tradition on the phone with him only 3 weeks ago. In the past I've shared rooms with him at AA conventions and conferences. I've frankly learned a great deal about our program and AA service at his instruction and the example he set in his life. One time he came to a dinner where I was sharing while he was in the middle of having a heart attack.

So, I'm thoroughly wrecked by this.

I've often heard in meetings sayings like "I'm not a bad person trying to get better, I'm a sick person trying to get better." I know what they mean when they say it. I just don't think I'm either one. Maybe it has nothing to do with alcoholism.

As to whether I'm bad or not - I don't think I get to judge. Me or others. You are not going to convince some people in Florida today that John is not bad. I wouldn't dream of tying to.

Likewise, I believe that the "disease concept of alcoholism" has done more damage for drunks and AA than it has done good. As a metaphor, it may be useful occasionally but, again, how do you explain to the families in Florida that the man who performed this terrible act was "sick?" Is that supposed to offer some sort of comfort to them? That might be as sick as the act. I don't know.

As I was trying to collect my thoughts for this article Friday night, I got a call from a friend and I related the news about John. He kept asking, over and over, "How did it happen?" "Why did he do it?" - Like, something we could understand or say would explain and justify these actions. Maybe if he took a drink before his rampage, we could excuse it.

Truthfully, what might have been behind these sorts of questions in my friends and my mind is "...since John did this terrible thing, is it possible that I might do something like that too?" As I shared my opinion with my friend, I don't think he felt comforted or comfortable. I certainly didn't.

New flash: there are people who do bad things in meetings of AA. Maybe a lot of people. In fact, some people may not be as "recovered" on a given day as they advertise.

This is the 2nd active murderer I've sat in AA meeting rooms with. Another man in our community stabbed his wife to death in a rage about 5 years ago. I clearly blamed AA as being at least a little complicit in that crime in that we'd observed this couple rage at each other for years in and around meetings. In retrospect, perhaps the platitudes that were offered like "progress not perfection" and "keep coming back" were not the tools they needed to deal with the life they were living.

I now wonder as well about John.

Our Big Book says:

"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison." BB p. 66

I have dictionary that was published in 1935 and the definition for "brainstorm" would be most like what we would refer to as rage today.

I know people who feel they can "use" their rage like a tool: to get past a bad situation at work; to getting a stubborn latch to catch; to be more successful in a sport. Just a little rage gets the adrenaline to kick in and what could be more harmless?

I've seen John get angry and, well, I worked hard for him to not be angry with me. By reputation, he was known as someone to be careful of.

Well, I guess so...

A promise and direction I see in our Big Book for ongoing sobriety is:

"... We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. 'How can I best serve Thee--Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will." BB - p. 85

I don't think John was following this direction last Thursday.

Good people? Bad people? Ask me about myself on any given day and I'll let you know.

By the grace of God, I hope I can follow the directions today and maybe, perhaps, be of use.

That's what I'm betting my life on anyway.

Regrets...

2010-01-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

(note: I'm avoiding writing an article that I really think needs writing - just wanted to be honest here as that's what's making it hard to post the past couple of days - maybe tomorrow or soon...)

You have to appreciate a good sense of irony when you take AA meetings in to prison. It makes the time and years a little more tolerable as you realize that most of the people there (99%?) are just going through some motions to be able to make points with their case manager and the parole board.

I volunteer to take a meeting into a minimum security prison ("...don't bother locking the gate after you leave - I'll get it later...") once a month and have done this for nearly 10 years now. At this group, the meeting is run by the inmates (PC term = "offender" but I'm old and find it hard to change) and occasionally it's chaired by non-alcoholics and topics range all over the map before we sometimes get it brought back to some semblance of AA.

So, I smiled to myself when the topic, taken from Daily Reflections last Thursday, was "regret." Frank Sinatra came to mind ("...Regrets - I've had a few...") but it really turned into a pretty good meeting. Of a dozen inmates, most were clearly mouthing what they wanted us to hear but there was some great, empathetic sharing.

One inmate's sister had died the previous week and he understood that he was locked up at this time for a reason - there was no way he could have gotten through this time sober on the outside. Stuff like that.

I shared the following couple of paragraphs from our Big Book:

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, 'Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?'

"Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love." BB pp. 82-83

My current sponsor reminds me occasionally that I don't get to set the terms of the length for that period of reconstruction. There are parts of my story in recovery where it took better than 2 decades to restore some trust that I'd broken. Some of what has been reconstructed I've actually torn down in sobriety and then had to go back and rebuild it yet again. That's hard.

Several of the inmates just sort of stared at me as I shared my story. It was intended to be hopeful - indeed, as best I know, there are miracles available for each of us - at least that's been my experience and observation. A few of them (besides the other volunteers at this meeting) "got it."

AA does, indeed, work.

Pity...

2010-01-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

I was on the phone with Philip yesterday. He calls most every day at least once.

The previous day, he called and was distraught. He had a plan for using some money to pay a deposit to get him moved out of the homeless shelter and that plan fell through. He was understandably upset but he really was off on a tear.

"... Why is it that every time things start to work out they fall apart? Why does this sort of crap always happen to me? etc, etc, etc, etc ..."

I listened as patiently as I could and we sort of found a different way of looking at the situation and suggested what he could and could not do in his current situation. I didn't get him talked all the way back to earth but at least he was sitting on the light pole instead of spinning in the stratosphere. I sort of figured it might all work out OK.

It did, so our call yesterday was pleasant.

We talked some about the nature of self-pity and how that is where we always seem to go when we face a disappointment. Boy could I relate.

Somewhere in the conversation we came up with the idea of "suckling on the self pity t----y" (I don't want Google to index it so suffice to say it rhymes with "kitty" and only has one character different). We laughed so hard that we were a spectacle in our respective spaces: "no - it's really the s----y pity t----y" etc. etc.

God is good.

AA works.

P.S. - I've had the Beetles' song Yellow Submarine in my head for 2 days and I'm ready for it to stop now. Or, if I can't make it stop in my head, maybe I can plant it in yours.

Naw, I'm not that mean...

Pain is required...

2010-01-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

I really don't know if pain is required to recover from alcoholism or not. You hear it said at meetings around here that "...today, pain is optional..." - like, what they've learned in AA has given them a way of managing their lives to be able to avoid the self-inflicted consequences of their actions. I think I know what they mean but I'm ready to hang that in my head as "one of those sayings you hear in the rooms that might be helpful or harmful, depending on who's hearing it." As you might guess, this is a pretty long list. It's a list of what, IMLTHO, makes AA meetings some of the most dangerous places to learn about the program of AA.

My sponsee Rob fell on the ice last Friday and broke his hip. He was discharged yesterday so I grabbed some Panera Bread souffles and we had our regular Tuesday breakfast at his place. He was 1/2 stoned on Vicodin. We did not talk about his pain medications (other than that he was taking them as the doctor prescribed). All my guys have it clear that they only person worse to proscribe for them than doctor (their name) is doctor Ed. If he wasn't taking them as prescribed, we'd have had a different conversation.

But, pain was up for him and an ad in the local paper (he's an advertising guy so he notices that stuff more than me) for one of the local medical M-J- (fill in the blank - I'm trying to keep Google from indexing something I really have no desire to be found in my blog) dispensaries. Medical M-J- is majorly "up" in this state and one of the local dispensaries ran an ad with the tag line "Stop Your Pain Today!"

Both Rob and I are dealing with sponsees who are early in recovery. While everyone deserves a chance at "getting this" (an AA program that works for them) at their own level, it's hard to not compare and contrast those with a different level of motivation than those who just can't seem to show up at a meeting, make a phone call or, do virtually anything that might inconvenience themselves early in sobriety.

Some of our best AA literature, IMLTHO, is the DVD "Bill Wilson Talks About the 12 Traditions." In this film, around the time he talks about traditions 4 and 5, Bill makes this startling claim (paraphrasing):

"... We discovered early in our history that we have but one true 'teacher' in AA. That teacher is John Barlycorn (booze) ..."

I can remember the chilling impact that statement had on me when I first heard this film in early sobriety. I suppose that I was sicker than most along the lines that I had believed that I was going to approach AA with the same regard as I did most new and potentially painful things - with an intellectual detachment that would save my butt if I couldn't somehow manage success.

Today, as I look over the cases Rob and I discussed as well as when I think back on the dozens of folks on this path that I still think should have been successful because, well, they worked this program better than I ever did (or could) - I am intensely grateful that I'd suffered sufficiently to recover this far. I truly need not learn one more lesson at the feet of John Barleycorn (I pray God!).

For me, the pain was required to accept the solution that was offered.

"... With us it is just like that." BB p. 15.

AA Works...

2010-01-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

I had a private email conversation with one of my favorite people the other day about how much information and opinion came up against AA when you searched for information via Google. It started my head running down a path that seems to have been similar to many in the fellowship.

At my meeting last night, our speaker mentioned that "...of the dozens of guys he's sponsored through the years, about 1/2 of them recover from alcoholism..." What's fascinating to me about his observation is exactly what I've heard stated from no less than a dozen different members in the past month - each with more than 10 years' experience on this path. It's also roughly my experience (plus or minus about 15% - I've never tallied exactly).

AA is criticized in the blogosphere and elsewhere because several studies have indicated that as few as about 1 in 20 folks who come to an AA meeting find a solution to their drinking problem. The opinion then runs that this is even less than the number of people who simply decide to stop drinking at some point - and successfully do. For that reason, they conclude that this thing doesn't work. Some then conclude a whole bunch of other things.

I don't know if my friend has had other conversations around the blogosphere but there are at least 2 articles I came across this morning that are trending along with my thoughts. Mary in Africa, one of the most talented authors I follow regularly, talks about "Asking the harder questions." Danny, a blogger I generally follow but don't include in my BlogRoll because sometimes his tone is a little more harsh than I'd like to recommend (I'd happily go on a 12-step call with him though!), actually published an article written by Cliff, a member I know from another forum. This article I think explains better than I've read recently why AA works for some better than others.

This has come close to motivating me once again to write that chapter I feel was left out of our Big Book: "Why it Works." In my saner moments, I fully appreciate this chapter was left out for a reason. However, my character defects still cry out when I see the program that I love - which clearly has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams - criticized or potentially diminished based on unjust appraisals.

What I've learned to do instead is simply to listen. With gratitude in my heart for the grace that has given me my recovery, I can hear others' experience and appreciate their frustrations and when requested, offer my experience. On a really good day, I can keep most of my opinions to myself.

AA works.

New Information...

2010-01-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

Philip and I got together this morning as we do most every Thursday at 6am. We had a great discussion as we always do.

I've not written about him for a number of months simply because, well, he's just turned into another soldier in the program - just a drunk doing this deal to the best of his ability and dealing with sobriety, one day at a time. Left to my own devices, I would certainly not choose to love these guys - it hurts to much when they hurt. But, in spite of my best efforts to protect myself and my interests - here we are...

It was with no small amount of misgivings that I started out with him. He faced impossible odds, so many fail coming from his dire circumstances, he's not certainly of the same culture and background of most members in our AA community, etc. But, here we are 6 months later and we're slogging through the book.

Some would be critical of the method that I use in going through the program - hell, I'm critical of how I go through the program. We basically read the book, one line at a time, and discuss what it says and relate it to our experience and our lives. As we started out months ago, I went through some now familiar misgivings: it's an old book written in a style I find, well problematic; it doesn't relate much to today's times; it's a very slow process for someone to get what they need for today to stay sober. Many misgivings.

About 3 months ago, one more time, I saw the miracle happen with Philip as it has for me and many others. He is alive and different in ways that are, to not put too fine a point on it, miraculous. And, we haven't gotten to steps 3 and 4 yet. I can't help but get excited at the possibilities which will open up for someone who's higher power is acting so powerfully in his life.

This morning, we read:

"...We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people--was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight?...
...When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did." BB p. 52

He "got it" and, more important to this article, I got it. The solution to these "bedevilments" is a simple reliance upon God. Duh!

Have I mentioned recently that I've been stuck in self? A lot?

Here is evidence of the problem (yes, with 26 years of sobriety, I can and do still get sick and have evidence of these bedevilments). Here is the solution.

AA works - it really does.

Artist?

2010-01-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

Of the frustrations if my life, all the artistic endeavors I've failed at are sometimes hard to endure. I've failed at accomplishing numerous musical instruments, voice, drama, photography, painting (and innumerable other arts and craft media), sculpting, pottery, writing (prose and poetry), dance - basically, about any artistic effort I attempted, I've come up so far wanting for talent that it's been impossible for me to continue. I know, if I practiced more or invested more, I might have more acceptable results but, thus far on this 57-year journey, I've just not been able to accept something as my true, artistic expression.

I can appreciate many (most) forms of art, but can't seem to satisfactorily participate in any of them.

...yet.

Who knows, I'm still breathing, right?

Anyway, it occurred to me over the past couple of weeks where I've been wallowing in more than my fair share of self pity, it seems there's one aspect of my life that I've elevated to my own art form.

Fear.

OK - if anyone is of the perspective that their thinking of sadistic applications to others using chain saws and whips or whatever, that is NOT what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about a peculiar, perverse, almost artistic ability to create fear when faith is a more reasonable and rational response.

Example: I'm afraid that my financial needs will not be met.

For 26 years in sobriety, I've almost constantly had this fear. Back when I had over $50k of consumer debt and I was making about $20k/year as well as when I was making $130k/year and was putting money in the bank. When I had $50k in the bank and when I was overdrawn. The fear has been roughly the same.

Even back in my drinking days, I can find dozens of times when my needs were more than met as a consequence of impossible things happening from unexpected places (a new job, an unexpected gift or bonus, etc.) which saved me from the doom I was certain was imminent.

My ability to express fear when there is all this evidence that God has always cared for and protected me - even when I've certainly screwed things up as badly as I possibly could have at the time. - certainly could be understood as an art form. Where I more rationally could have expressed trust and faith, I create fear. Many times (most times?) with no real evidence in support of the basis for that fear.

I could go through the other 5-10 fears that are thematic throughout my life, but I've resisted, so far, the use of this blog as a 5th step surrogate. I will continue to review these fears with my sponsor instead. The point of this article is to point out the pride my ego takes in creating fear - almost, I would presume, the same sort of pride the artist takes when he/she steps back from their completed work.

It's not the medium that I would have chosen as an artist, but I certainly have elevated the manufacture of fear to the level of an art form.

Opposite that fear (in addition to the faith and trust) is the hope that it can and will be different.

I'm counting on that for today.

AA works...

Update....

2010-01-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

So many of you have offered prayers from my post of yesterday that I feel I owe an update.

The sister-in-law rallied for ~16 hours on Saturday-Sunday. It was a great time of family renewal - everyone there had a chance to express love, affection and, support that had been unexpressed - sometimes for decades or a lifetime. The warmth and hope was great - everyone was happy - especially the sister.

Then, Sunday afternoon sister's fortunes turned again.

At about 7pm, she died.

The family said her last few moments with them were the best gift of any holiday they could have ever wanted for. There were about 20 people in her room when she passed.

AA and Alanon showed up and is showing up in ways we can be proud of.

No one has yet heard of or from the daughter.

Thank you. Give yourself a hug from me as I can't reach you.

A Broken Heart

2010-01-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

Among the many lies I've told myself through the years, the one that "...I'm not hurting anyone but myself..." has come up a lot the past few weeks. I hear something similar from lots of drunks so I know I'm not alone in this idea.

My wife has a sponsee who has a sister-in-law she's very close to. The sort of relationship that you hear of often in the rooms - after she sobered up about 30 years ago, she met the sister-in-law who led to the husband (which is how she became the sister-in-law) so they're close - like sisters - now. They have been for a long time.

About 16 years ago, sister figured out she and her hubby couldn't have kids so they adopted a beautiful baby daughter. This completed something in them and they devoted their lives to this gift in their home. It's probably telling too much where this story is going to suggest they might have checked the ingredients label a little more closely if they were concerned for their well being...

The baby grew into a child with some behavior problems but, in talking with other parents, they felt (and feel) there is nothing this child won't outgrow - the challenges just seemed to get progressively more serious though until, at 13, this girl was now completely out of their control. She was running away from home often, was clearly on a path that included drugs and alcohol and was starting to suffer from some of the physical and legal consequences in a serious way.

Occasionally, daughter would "come to her senses" and submit to treatment centers, go with her aunt to an AA or NA meeting. and really talk like prodigal daughter headed toward starting over. They tried several modes of treatment. Joined a church with an active, supportive youth program. They went through family counseling. They "did it all."

About two years ago, on one of her escapades, the daughter (then 14) wound up pregnant. In the course of one her more lucid moments, she convinced the family that she really wanted to have and raise this baby. This was what would give her the sense of direction and purpose she despaired of finding on the streets.

Again, we know the familiar story. Shortly after the birth, the daughter was running and gunning again and sister and hubby had to go through the difficult process of suing for custody of their granddaughter since daughter was dealing with increasingly complicated legal consequences of her choices. The cycle continued to repeat itself (every few months coming home and "this time really meaning it" that she wanted to restart her life).

Our state is trying some "new" things with youth offenders and hope fared high around Thanksgiving last year when the daughter (now 16) "gave herself up" to the authorities and they offered her a plea whereby she could check herself into a new treatment program and be released (with no record) in a year - maybe 6 months if she really did well. It was not exactly Courier and Ives when the sister, hubby and, granddaughter showed up at the treatment facility on Christmas Eve for their family Christmas celebration, but for the first time in several years, it seemed like there was hope that at least they would know their daughter was safe on the holidays.

The guard might have been less than polite when he informed them at the door that the daughter had left an hour before they got there. She had said she just couldn't abide by their silly rules about smoking and she couldn't stay. So she ran.

Sister collapsed as they were leaving. The ambulance was there almost immediately but they said that, by the time they got her to the hospital a few minute later, she'd had two major heart attacks. Since she's 55 years old and had no history of heart disease (her or her family), they ran her through all the tests and found, well, nothing. The only thing the doctor could suggest that caused it was that it must have been stress in her life.

While she was in a coma in intensive care on Christmas day, her kidneys started to shut down. The doctor said it was time to call in the family. The day after Christmas, when pressed as to what was really going on, the doctor shook his head and said she was "...dying of a broken heart." That was his medical diagnosis.

She rallied for a couple of days but signs took a turn for the worse on the 29th. The family has been in constant vigil with her but she hadn't regained consciousness since Christmas Eve.

Yesterday, on 1/2, she woke up for the first time, recognized her sister-in-law and said "I love you." As of this writing, she is still in intensive care. Since there is still nothing deemed physically wrong with her, she could be released at any time - or, well, who knows...

No one has heard from the daughter.

God is a big God but...

The zeroes...

2009-12-31T17:58:00.000-07:00

It has seemed like I've wanted to post something about the decade or at least the year so I've been noodling about it some - I can't seem to get any clear direction. I also have another article I need to write but I'm still waiting for that story to come to a clear transition point.

That might just summarize the past decade - in fact, a significant part of my life - in a nutshell: great plans, many distractions and, with God's grace, small bits of progress/growth.

It seems indulgent to write here about Auld Lang Sine when Mary in Africa is already well into the next decade...

I never thought that, better than 1/2 way through my 3rd decade of sobriety, I would be here.

I don't remember much of the past decade too fondly. Though there were some wondrous, positive moments, I bet I could match them 2-for-1 with negatives.

All the negatives are circumstantial: money, jobs, titles, stuff, etc.

Among the positives are: good health, relationships, new lives, etc.

And, I can't imagine any other possible path that could have got me from there to here.

And here, tonight, is just damn near perfect.

Blessings to all on this most perfect of beginnings for what I trust will be a wonderful year.

Pray for me...

2009-12-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

I got a call last night from Little Greg. You probably have a Little Greg around some of your meetings. He now has over 11 years of sobriety in AA but he's been around over 25 years. He's put the touch on most everybody over the years in his several "careers." He's been (off the top of my head) a truck driver, an actor, in charge of maintenance, a deliveryman, a store manager, a baggage handler - a long list of attempts to re-invent himself and get into a new life. I can remember at least 5 times when he's had a car, a nice place to live, everything was going his way and then, suddenly, it all falls apart.

It's not his fault. Ever.

He is a victim.

Greg lived with us for a couple of months 2 years ago. He was in the middle of rebuilding his life one more time and it was great to see that it was all going so well for him "this time." We finally had to set a time for him to move out (before he could afford it...) but, well, we were just done with him. And, it seemed like several things had conspired to make this a good time.

He has as strong a grasp of the AA program as anyone I know. He's been sponsored by men I consider heroes in AA. He can cite chapter and verse about selfishness and self-centeredness, spiritual awakening and service.

Last night, Little Greg was standing in the cold in the line to get into the homeless shelter overflow in Denver. We both knew he was only about 45 minutes away from my house if I chose to drive down and pick him up and bring him home to one of my warm, empty, beds. He didn't ask to come to my place. He did ask if he "had anything outstanding for which he needed to make amends" - I thought hard (and prayed hard) and said "no - I think we're current."

We talked for about 30 minutes. I noticed that he'd been able to get his cell phone turned back on (it'd been shut off earlier in the month) but I didn't mention that. He complained extensively about how someone with 11 years and 8 months should not be living like this. How he'd been put in this place by an injury and a medical system that wouldn't meet his needs. About how long any sort of disability assistance would take to get in place. He complained a lot.

I felt really bad for him and I shared that with him. I assured him that I had no answers for him. I shared the experience of a guy I sponsor who's living in a homeless shelter and where he's found opportunities to be of service there to those people. I shared as openly and as honestly as I could.

At the end of the conversation, he said "I have a really selfish request of you." I held my breath - in the past, what has followed is a request for money or something else. What he said was: "Will you pray for me?"

That was interesting. I wasn't prepared for it but I got that it was the entirely appropriate request and the entirely appropriate thing for me to do.

...and, something I forget to do as often as I might...

I hope he's OK...

Hypnosis...

2009-12-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

OK - after the sugar coma subsides a bit and then the general malaise returns, why is it that, instead of doing the dozens of things that I think I need to be doing (and am really interested in and find enjoyable), I find myself playing Freecell endlessly - surfing mindlessly - in the same sort of trance I watch my g'kids playing video games and watching movies in?

Suddenly, it came to me - hypnosis!!! That explained where the precious hours I've needed have gone these past few days and weeks.

I am a believer in hypnosis. I've seen it work wonders in some peoples' lives. Even some heavy drinkers/alcoholics - allowed them to turn behaviors around and solve major problems.

It just didn't work on me - or so I've thought until today.

Yes, I've had a therapist really try to access and work on my subconscious using hypnosis. It really wasn't that different than what you've seen in the goofy movies and cartoons. He would talk me into a trance of sorts, plant ideas and suggestions in my little brain, talk me back out of that trance and we'd both watch and wonder as I marched back out and did the same bad habits and wreak the havoc in my and others' lives over the same behaviors repeatedly. After a few months (and many $$$), we both decided hypnosis just wasn't working for me.

I would have told you, until today, that I was just one of those on whom hypnosis did not work.

Today, I watched myself seek out the trance of denial one more time. Where I was avoiding doing what was next by, well, using whatever was in front of me to avoid what is next. The similarity to the mind numbing that I sought using booze was jarring.

Finally, I closed the game and other distractions and decided to write this article.

By God's grace, I may be able to get to what's next after this.

I'll let you know...

After...

2009-12-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

OK - as I remember, it only takes a day or 2 for this food hangover to be over, right? I certainly hope it's no longer than a week. I'm so sick of rich food and sweets that I crave peanut butter and a hamburger.

So, it didn't help that breakfast this morning was a big piece of pumpkin pie.

This morning, we put the last of the kids on an early plane and came home and took a 4-hour nap. I think I'm more than a little spent. It was a wonderful holiday and I'm glad it won't happen again until next year at the earliest.

I wrote an email to someone yesterday about something completely unrelated but it caused me to think about the small miracle of learning the principle of "restraint of tongue." If there is a "theme" for me for this holiday, I'm very impressed on how little really needs to be said (by me) at these family gatherings. I'm hoping I can learn the same thing in my AA circles.

I'm sure my wife would disagree (we seldom have the same holiday experience together), but I can't think of a single time where I needed to correct her - if I did, it was certainly a small fraction of the times that I thought of something that would add accuracy or perspective to the conversation and had the discretion, lacking in the past, to not offer it. Sometimes, what I would have shared came to the conversation another way. Sometimes it didn't. In no case was anything missed by my not having said what was in my mind.

You have to understand just what a jerk I've been around this "errant member - the tongue" (as Dr. Bob related it in his farewell address in 1950). My ego is generally so tightly wound up in needing to not only be right but have everyone else know it that it looks like a matter of life or death that I get you to "understand" me. In some sense, it has been about life and death.

This holiday was different. The 5-second conversation with my brother-in-law was perfect. The silence was perfect. The sharing was greatly improved from other years - by my actively seeking times where I could not have to speak.

And, still amazing to me, I am sober.

Tomorrow (12/28) is my birthday. I feel like, in the past week, I'm finally learning something about being responsible and authentic. Not bad for someone only 57 years old.

Thank you God!

Happy...

2009-12-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

This year, more than most, I've greeted people with "Happy Holidays." I was making no conscious effort to be cute or politically correct or anything. It just seemed like the right thing to say this year.

Several times, people have corrected me to say "Merry Christmas" or commented about (criticized?) my greeting.

Interesting.

Are we just more sensitive this year? Am I just being more sensitive this year? Does anyone really give a flying fig?

Probably not...

Anyway, with all the sincerity I can muster, I truly wish for each of us a Happy Holiday time. As I've written here in the past, this is a tough time for me (and, what, tens of millions of other drunks?) but I feel especially blessed to have found (been led to?) this blogging community this year. I love you all and truly wish you each and all a new beginning and a wonderful day - this and every day.

Thank you.

Favorite things...

2009-12-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

First, I'd like to thank Mary Christine for the tag of my favorite things. I think.

Mary doesn't know that one thing I hate about going out with my wife is when she asks me at a gallery: "So, what's your favorite piece?" or, after a concert, "What was your favorite part?" or, well, you get the idea. I had a therapist who I made completely insane (I don't think this is an exaggeration) with my inability to commit to a favorite color, favorite movie star, favorite car - anything I would choose a selection, I would rationalize conditions where I would prefer something else. I really, really, really hate to pick "favorite things." But, it's not that big a deal, really. ;-)

Seriously, I'm grateful to MC for remembering me and including me in this rotation.

So, here's what comes to mind for 5 favorites tonight:

Mountains. I live in the foothills of Colorado's front range and, if I can't get to the "real" mountains every 2 weeks, I feel withdrawals. My soul is fed best on a tundra just a bit above timberline where we've got 360 degree vistas of craggy peaks.
The ocean. I love beaches. I enjoy snorkeling and SCUBA dives. I sense power and strength in the oceans of the world.
AA. I think I've found a home and a family. It's every bit as imperfect and perfect as any family I know. I owe it my life so why would I not have and hold it as one of my favorites?
Marriage. A good friend said at her husbands funeral - at the end of a eulogy where you kind of got it clear that they had fought a lot and she might still think that he was something of a s---- and that they'd fought a lot - but she'd declared the marriage "perfect": "If I could wish for anyone, I would wish them a 'perfect' marriage - as forged through the crucible of commitment." I spend many of my days personally frustrated, disappointed or, lonely. I am absolutely clear that my marriage is the greatest blessing and learning opportunity God has given through his grace. I only wish I could do it better.
A child's laughter. There's something so infectious in listening to my g'kids laugh. It just feels like the world will all sort itself out when I can hear their peals of laughter.

And, as with every time that I do this exercise in a gallery or a museum, I know I could put many things in this list. Maybe life is OK after all...

As to who gets this next (I really don't know where this has been so far and, again, I could choose many): Mary, Syd, Lou, Prayer Girl and, Doc-in-Alanon. As they're tagged, so let them enjoy the choosing as much as I do.

Life, on the whole, really is good.

Conversations with God...

2009-12-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

My 14 year old granddaughter and her family came to town last night and is staying with us through Christmas. She has lived her life in Seattle so it's a treat to have her around. Through various dramas of her family and due to the distance, we've never been close so this morning when we were alone in a car together headed to her cousin's soccer game, it was probably a unique situation in our lives.

I have grieved some as our g'kids have gotten older in that none of them are particularly close to me. I had so very much wanted it to be different but, well, for whatever the reasons (and I acknowledge the fault is wholly my own), I'm watching them grow up and away from me more each year.

We talked some about the weather here and in Seattle and then, well, what do you talk about next?

me: So, what do you want for Christmas?

she: (after some careful thought and reflection) That's a hard question to answer.

me: I understand - if you say something small, it's dishonest. If you say something expensive, you come off greedy.

she: Yeah, I guess so.

me: So, I guess it's uncomfortable visiting with Santa?

she: (inserting I-pod) Yeah.

me: I guess you could just answer "world peace" or "the Broncos do well in the playoffs" or something equally impossible.

she: (laughs a little) Yeah - I think I'll answer that next time.

We start where we start when we can.

I hope she has a happy Christmas.

Perfection

2009-12-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

I have a saying that I doubt I invented but I really can't remember who I might have stolen it from. As I remember, it just came out one day when one of my long-term sponsee types was whining about one thing or another in his life. I asked him:

What exactly would you have to give up to call this moment perfect?

I don't know if he's ever thought of it again but I think of it quite often. It just seems to be the perfect rejoinder to the constant state of malcontent that my spiritual malady seems to conjure for my head many times a day.

The truth, as best I can get to it today is that God is in charge and that God is bigger than any and all of my various challenges - real or imagined.

So, my life is about moving from one surrender to another. The ultimate surrender in this moment is that I lay aside all my prejudice, expectations, judgments, attachments - all those things that keep me from embracing this as the most perfect of God's precious moments for me today.

And then, all that's left, is perfection.

Imagine.

AA Renewal

2009-12-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm reluctant to post this here but it seems like I need to at least mention this on this blog for, well, I don't know - integrity?

There is a minority of folks in Alcoholics Anonymous who feel that AA may be sick as an organization and, perhaps, as a fellowship. We are not sure what, if anything, could or should be done about it but we see symptoms of this illness in our meetings and our AA business endeavors (e.g. our service commitments).

We are not among those who feel the need to bash AA or that AA as an institution is actually harming people. To the contrary, all of us involved in this thus far feel we owe our sobriety, our very lives to AA as it existed when we found it in that it led us to accept the grace of God and become spiritually awakened as a consequence of AA's program of recovery.

We are convinced that, if AA is to change (a big if), it will change as a consequence of people talking about what changes might be made at coffee around our meetings, at our groups' business meetings, at our assemblies and our General Service Conference. What a few of us realized this past fall is that we wanted to have an area where we would be able to brainstorm and collaborate about what AA could do to fix what we feel are fundamental problems in our organization.

Or, perhaps what we know as "AA" today should just be allowed to disappear and that the next organization (if any) to come up will be born anew from the ashes of that old organization?

I don't know the answer. I don't think anyone who's participated in this effort so far feels that we know all the answers.

What I do know is that, for me as a member of AA today, if AA were to pass into obscurity by, in part, my lack of action, I would wonder if "I should have done something..." So, I am participating in this new site where we hope to be sorting out some of these thoughts. Again, this is not a new "movement" or a set of folks who want to do anything other than seek some clarity about the hard issues we need to face and deal with as a fellowship.

Or deliberately decide not to.

So, if you care, check out aarenewal.org. Participate and/or register if you want to. Mention it to others if it seems useful. Ignore it completely if it seems irrelevant or against your principles of participation in AA.

All that said, I think what I've generally been doing on this blog is completely separate from my participation on the aarenewal.org site. While I might share my experiences as a sober member in both places, what I see is that this blog is only a reflection of my personal experience trying to apply the AA principles in an imperfect life. That other space is a place we're trying to improve an organization we think is imperfect by applying these principles. Related but not the same.

But, I thought some readers here might want to know something about where my head has been at when I'm not writing here...

Holidays...

2009-12-15T11:50:00.001-07:00

I was not going to write this article but here it is anyway...

I sobered up on 12/3. It's a really bad plan to sober up just before the holiday. So bad that, for better than a decade, I'd each year made a plan to really look at my drinking - maybe taper back some - after New Year's. What happened for me in 1983 that was different from all those other years can only be explained by the grace of God. Really.

But, what remains: the holidays are a really hard time for me to be sober all the time. Some days still.

I've always probably been about the most selfish person I know. From my earliest memory until today. As much as it gave me pleasure to give my wife and kids nice things for Christmas, I always wanted people to give me wonderful things. I want stuff. A lot of stuff. All of it.

I have more "stuff" than most people I know. Most of it sits unused, year after year, so that it's become a burden. In a very real and a very direct sense, the case can be easily made that my stuff owns me more today than I own it.

Yet, I'm embarrassed on each Christmas morning that I have to stifle my own pouting and sour attitude about not getting all the stuff I want - even while I watch our kids masterfully teach our Grandkids (now ranging 2-16 years old) all about sharing and appreciating what they've been given. I gotta tell you, it's humiliating when the Grandpa pouts and sulks more than the 4 or 5 year-old. And, that happens almost every year. I wish I'd learned those lessons as a kid. I wish I could learn those lessons now.

I'm also selfish in giving. I always wanted my presents to be the biggest and the most appreciated. I wanted all the holiday events to be at my house. I wanted to be known as the source of all good things.

As our financially situation has deteriorated through the past 8 years, this has been relieved some out of necessity but it's still possible to detect some resentment from others at the lack of the grand, dramatic gestures I've been able to put out in the past. I hate how it feels to not fight someone for the check at dinner or to insist we provide all entertainment at our house. I guess we all get to grow...

The best the holidays have been for me in sobriety is that I've occasionally fought back to a position of detached neutrality where I can watch people do whatever they're going to do and appreciate the "good" in all of it and understand and forgive the "bad."

We've had holidays where the "goose hung high" - I got everything I wanted (yeah, really!) and my efforts were truly appreciated. That seems to be as perilous a place for me (perhaps more) as the times when I only got presents I really didn't want and I felt I should have been absent, thus causing the joy meter to rise 100 degrees in the room.

So I might see you this holiday at a party. Even if we don't know each other, you will recognize me as the one who is looking for chairs to put away, dishes to be cleared or, best still, a newcomer to ask how he's planning to get through his first holiday season. While we're talking, on a good day, when you ask me about me and my life, I will get you to tell me more details about yours. On a really good day, you will be convinced that I really care about every little detail of your life and your problems.

And then, before we know it, the holidays will be past.

Sober.

P.S. - Mary Christine's birthday is today - happy day to her!!!

Struggles?

2009-12-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

We returned from Tucson last Friday. Last Thursday night, we were working at my wife's cousin's house near Tucson and, as I was putting ladder away, I noticed the tail end of the sunset and grabbed this picture. It was just hand held with a cheap camera leaning against their garage wall.

Almost every time I'm in Tucson, I'm treated to several of these sunrises and sunsets. Almost every day. It's hard to take.

I've not been able to blog as frequently lately. I've become distracted with another project I'll write about later this week but I hope to, eventually, get back to a regular contribution here. I've really been commenting on others' blogs and, well, it just feels selfish to not put anything back into the blogging etherspace.

On the other hand, Saturday morning my mind woke me up at 2:30 a.m. and reminded me that "something has to change in my life by 1/1/10." I'm at the end of my rope and a little further financially so, well, God has to do what God does. That (most likely) involves:

I am directed to someplace I can contribute something
Somewhere, money will come as a consequence of that

It really is just that simple, I think.

I'm looking in want adds. I'm "networking" (gawd, I've come to hate that term). I'm telling the truth about our needs and desires. I'm more open to new adventures that I think I ever have been. Here, there, anywhere for anything.

Mostly, I'm in just sort of a state of amused anticipation of what could happen next.

But. that morning the committee in my head was having none of what I'm trusting will work itself out in the next 2 weeks.

I know I'm not alone - either with my challenges or with the itty-bitty-s---y-committee between my ears.

Exciting, no?

My plans and perceptions...

2009-12-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

On Monday, we left Colorado for Tucson and where we are staying was supposed to have wireless but, well, those were my plans. I finally got connected to the internet yesterday and we've been trying to be of service and present for what we're here for and, well, it's been interesting.

We came into Tuscon to unseasonable cold weather. The high yesterday was in the 50's. We went to the Air and Space Museum and there was a volunteer hunkered down over a heater with her parka on. She had no humor about how it was below zero in Colorado. It was just irrelevant information to her in that she thought she was too cold to ever warm up.

I've blogged here before about my preference of cold over hot but, secretly, even with the cluster-f- that are a part of how we do things in our family, I'm glad I'm here instead of back where it is so bitterly cold. I'm-a-guessing that, as I age, the more temperate climates will appeal to me more and more but I am just glad to be where I am today.

It just works out better that way...

Gifts...

2009-12-05T18:39:00.000-07:00

My sister gave me a gift when she was in town last summer. I've delayed posting a picture of it because I keep thinking that I will drag out my lights and take a proper picture of it but, well, I just am not getting to it and probably won't any time soon. So, I will take a better picture later but the quilt on the left is her design and represents 100's of hours of work on her behalf.

The colors are not quite right in the photograph (much richer in person) and, per my earlier comment, the picture just doesn't do it justice. When you stand really close to it, you can see that each feather of each crane has 3 perfect rows of stitching outlining it and, well, the detail is staggering.

It hangs over our fireplace in our front room and you can't help but notice it - it was designed by her for that space.

I have a funny relationship with gifts in general. For 15 years, I've been embarrassed in my family because it is really bad form when you're more moody around getting stuff at Christmas than your grandkids. I've noticed throughout my life that I've always wanted what I didn't have and, then, when I get it, I'm generally not satisfied with that stuff or it disappoints me or I just move on from it and the stuff just accumulates. Page 76 in our 12x12 outlines the constant struggles of my life.

So, how does one "get" recovered from this selfish attachment to my wants and demands? I think, as outlined in aforementioned 12x12 passage, it's an inside job where my most difficult part of the process is to surrender all my old ideas and accept God's grace that's offered.

I was truly awestruck when my sister unfolded this quilt in my house last summer. Even though I knew she was working on it, nothing prepared me for the incredible amount of time and talent that she had invested in it. You can trust me that NOTHING that I have done in my relationship with her could have made me deserve this from her. And, nothing that I own or could build or could do would repay her for what she did for me in this demonstration of love and generosity.

Yet, as I write this, there it hangs.

I still hope I had the ability to say "thank you" appropriately. I think I did.

I think it's a lot like that with God's grace and my healing from my character defects. Sometimes I fail to thank God for the grace shown to me this day and for the path that got me to this day. Sometimes I think my problems, wants and demands require just a little more cleverness and manipulation.

But, on a good day, I can remember to say "thank you" and accept the incredible gift as the universe's perfect expression for my life in this day.

That is a better day.

New day...

2009-12-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, thanx and more thanx for all the acknowledgment yesterday of my (our) AA milestone. I am blessed beyond words to have received encouragement from all over the globe - especially for all my blogging AA compatriots.

A few years ago (before I'd warmed to the idea of AA participation on the internet), someone (still not sure who) registered my email address with one of the several services where members send greetings to you on your AA anniversary. While it seems self-serving and corny and every year I think I must track it down and unregister myself, I am jarred each year when, this year starting in early November, I get dozens of greetings from AA's I never have and never will meet from all over the globe. Some just starting out. Some with 4 decades or more of sobriety (seems to be protocol to include your own sobriety date with each greeting you send).

OK - so it really is little more than just automated spam and lord knows I get enough of that. But, when I was discouraged last month and opened the email from the clown (literally) in NZ or the good folks all over the world who wanted nothing more for me than to acknowledge of the gift God has given me, well, I was touched.

But, by none more than this lovely blogosphere - from South Africa to Texas - I mean - really!!!

Thank you...

I've been amused by the blogging of those of us going through winter and summer. It always seems amazing to me that we (humans - way beyond the AA community here...) are so surprised every year that, due to the axis of the tilt of the earth and the rotation around the sun on that axis that we have these seasons where the temperatures and weather related stuff dominates our experience. I believe (I'm sure somewhere these statistics are tracked) that more than 20% of the "news" on any given day is consumed with weather and weather related stories.

So, it was ~5 degrees when I got up this morning and into the 30's in Texas. I've been in Houston when it's below freezing and, trust me, I'll take my 5 degrees any day for comfort. A few years ago, I was pursuing an interest in outdoor photography. Some of that pursuit must be accomplished outdoors. Outdoors when it can be cold. I was in a seminar with a famous professional photographer about 15 years ago and he said: "...with the technology that is available today, there is no such thing as being too cold outside. It is only and always a function of being dressed inappropriately."

That's been my experience.

I've got to tell you that part of the reason that I live in Colorado today is that, this time of year (and it does come every year about this time), I need to learn to dress differently. I've also been in Houston when it is over 105 degrees with greater than 85 percent humidity. I know from personal experience that you can't remove enough clothing to get comfortable in that heat. So, the only choice for comfort there is to NOT be outside and, for me, I can only do that option for short periods of time.

So, for now, Colorado and I are better suited for each other. In fact, I've grown to dislike the cold more since I can't play out in it as much as I once did. But, for now, I think it's where I belong.

And it's nice to feel like you belong somewhere...

A number...

2009-12-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

On December 1, 1983, I flew home from an awful week in Las Vegas. I'd been there at a trade conference and, when I reflected back on my behavior that week, I could feel nothing but shame and embarrassment for the previous week.

As soon as the drink cart came, I ordered 2 drinks and made sure that the bottle I'd stashed (you could never trust them to get back with those damned carts when you needed them - especially on a 1-1/2 hour flight!) was easily reached and just felt awful. To the core, awful.

I then had what I now know of as 2 moments of clarity:

I just wanted to step out of the airplane at 30,000 feet and step into oblivion. I'd failed at previous suicide attempts but I just completely abhorred who I knew myself to be. I reflected on my family, my business, my church, my business dealings, my life - and, I just couldn't think of a single situation that would not have been improved if I were removed from the picture.
I'd been involved in intensive family therapy, marriage counseling, personal counseling, and various other forms of therapy for a number of years. I'd read every self-help book that I could find. Several times the suggestion was offered that I moderate my drinking - maybe just for a little bit of time. While it might have been true that, as I always argued (pretty convincingly), my drinking was not the problem, it was equally and undeniably true to me in that moment that it was not part of the solution to the myriad problems I had going on in my life. If, in fact, it wasn't part of the solution, it was curious to me (just that) how strongly I argued for my "right" to be able to drink.

I landed and I don't remember getting home (not unusual) but I do remember talking to my then wife about going to a meeting the next day before I passed out for the night (I was long past ever going to sleep w/out passing out). She had been in the program for a few months at that time.

The next night, shaky, feeling awkward and dressed in my best 3-piece suit, I showed up at a meeting at a club house. It certainly lived down to my expectations but that night, for the first time, I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and admitted I was an alcoholic (it seemed like what they expected me to do...).

That was December 2, 1983 and, by the grace of God, expert sponsorship and the wonderful program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've not had a drink of alcohol or taken anything that's affected me from the neck up since that day.

Thank you for 26 amazing years...

More work...

2009-12-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

Well, the meeting on the 12th step didn't go the way I'd expected last night (seldom does) but it was perfect as it happened.

However, it left me with this great passage from our BB that I didn't get to share there. So, I thought I'd share it here today. It's really the close of the chapter that I led with yesterday:

"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.

Many of us keep liquor in our homes. We often need it to carry green recruits through a severe hangover. Some of us still serve it to our friends provided they are not alcoholic. But some of us think we should not serve liquor to anyone. We never argue this question. We feel that each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought to decide for themselves.

We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch-burners. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved, had it not been for such stupidity. We would not even do the cause of temperate drinking any good, for not one drinker in a thousand likes to be told anything about alcohol by one who hates it.

Some day we hope that Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to a better realization of the gravity of the alcoholic problem, but we shall be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility. Drinkers will not stand for it.

AFTER ALL, OUR PROBLEMS WERE OF OUR OWN MAKING. BOTTLES WERE ONLY A SYMBOL. BESIDES, WE HAVE STOPPED FIGHTING ANYBODY OR ANYTHING. WE HAVE TO!" (BB p. 102-3)

'Nuff said...

Working the program...

2009-11-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

I led a meeting on the 12th step last week. I'm leading another one tonight. Seems to be "up" for some folks.

Especially me.

In our AA community, it feels like many of us have come from a (dark?) place in our program where, what was suggested (at least what I heard) was that, when you get into depression and pain, you simply need to "work the program" harder. What that meant to me and others was that you took another trip through the 12 steps (sometimes with a new sponsor or a new guide). You got new insights from a more thorough and current 4th step. You completed another set of amends.

All that was good stuff. I grew a lot.

But, about two years ago I realized that this was not AA.

It's amazing to me, one more time, that they hid the directions in a book stealthily labeled, Alcoholics Anonymous:

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. (BB p. 89)

So, the solution to my depression, my worry, my spiritual malady is not to find another guru, to change therapists, change sponsors, get more insight from another trip through the steps, to join another church, to get more exercise, or to change my medication. The solution is to find another drunk and help him. HELP ANOTHER.

All of those other things are good - may even be necessary at times (and I think I can say that I've done them all - some multiple times).

Intensive work with other alcoholics. Not real subtle or rocket science, right? That's what I mean today when I say I'm "working the program." I can say that I've gotten as well as I'm ever going to get by naval gazing. I need another plan. Less of "I."

Yet, it's the last thing that I want to do. It's as if I'm wired the opposite of that. Like, maybe I have a spiritual malady.

Therein is the grace part. (I'm a huge fan of grace.) Today, I get the chance to be useful.

Thank you God...

Forget about ED once and for all...

2009-11-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

I bet few of you have the same reaction I do when I see this subject line (blog title) in my email box.

If they only knew how long and how hard I tried to forget about Ed.... To just get rid of him. To numb the racket of him out. And I was really looking for a once and for all solution...

The best I've found to date to do this is the program of AA.

I think I know what people mean when they say in some of the meetings I attend that "AA is a selfish program." I just really hate it when they say it.

My experience has been that selfishness is the basis for the despair that led me to seek a permanent solution. There is no doubt today as much as there was no doubt 25 years ago that selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of my problems.

What I have as an antidote to that today is selfless giving and humility.

When I truly live in that space (happens occasionally), I get to forget about Ed for a while.

That is a solution for Ed today...

Happy holiday...

2009-11-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I wish you the best.

If you don't, I wish you the best.

I'm thankful today for the community I've found in this space.

Participation...

2009-11-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am involved in a conversation on another forum about the idea of how we support our meetings in accordance with our Traditions. I rattled of a response on that group and was thinking of just posting that writing here when I realized I'd written something very similar to the response in an article I'd done on the Seventh Tradition here last summer.

It still bugs me that people, especially young people (in both sobriety and age), don't feel any need or desire to participate in AA - either by putting anything in the basket or by showing up and taking their turn keeping the doors open in one place or another. More than 3/4 of those in attendance at my home group's main meeting contribute nothing (I used to be the treasurer and still can't help but notice).

My own recent situation has been that I've been putting money in the basket even when I don't have enough to cover my bills. I also find myself participating in a number of different ways in a number of different parts of the fellowship when it seems like it would be a much more responsible use of my time and energy to look for employment or find some way to generate income.

My motivations are generally selfish (true statement generally as well in the matter at hand), but clearly something is different from my experience and the young friends I find at meetings. Frankly, I make the choices I make because I think my life depends on it.

Makes me wonder, many days recently, am I just a fool?

Probably.

However, in 25 years (26 next month), I've never been even close to starving and I have had a life that's beyond my wildest imaginings. Why would this end?

It might.

Among all the things I've learned in and around the rooms of AA, there are no guarantees.

But, for this recent time, AA and the life that it's given me has been the core substance of my life. Family, friends, my life's work, all my various modes of entertainment - they have all flowed from the source that I found in the rooms of AA.

And, they still allow me to put a bit in the basket and sometimes accept my meager talents when they need them...

What a great deal...

Belonging...

2009-11-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have found it hard to get an article written and posted for a couple of days now. During that same time, I've been struggling meeting other commitments and also have been doing some reflection around AA's 12^thTradition (anonymity). Funny how, for this alcoholic, the most difficult part of my existence is to just belong into my own life.

Huh.

I can't tell you the number of times I've been on the phone with my sponsor and I hear myself whining "...well, it may be a perfectly fine life, but it sure doesn't feel like my life..."

It's about surrender and sacrifice.

Bill wrote in the essay "Why Alcoholics Anonymous is Anonymous" (Language of the Heart):

...Powered by alcohol and self-justification, many of us have pursued the phantoms of self-importance and money right up to the disaster stop sign. Then came AA. We faced about and found ourselves on a new high road where the direction signs said never a word about power, fame or wealth. The new signs read, "This way to sanity and serenity--the price is self-sacrifice."

I was marveling with a sponsee, new in sobriety the other day, how we - even with years of experience, still continually balk at this sacrifice. If I can't uphold the image I want, if I can't have the relationship I want, if I can't eat/drink what I want, when I want it, if I can't do what I want when I want - then, I may as well just die.

And so, many of us die. Some slowly. Others, not so much.

But, when I let go of that almighty "I", the reward is sanity and serenity.

Amazing.

Dr. Paul...

2009-11-19T11:21:00.001-07:00

One of my worries (sounds much better than fear, don't you think?) is that I will start repeating myself in my blog articles. It's a race at my advanced age - will senility creep into my daily life before I live long enough to not care what people really think of my repeating myself? The point: I thought sure I'd written this story here in the past but can't seem to find it in any of the places that I could have written it so here it is either for the first time or the 10^th time.

Anyway, Dave mentioned today some things from the story "Acceptance Was the Answer..." (4^th ed. BB - "Doctor, Addict, Alcoholic" in the 3^rd ed. BB). I love this story.

From the time I was about 3 years sober to the time I was 10 years along, I quoted this story in almost every share and I used it as much or more as the basic text of AA in explaining how we needed to deal with life and life's problems. When, infrequently, folks would challenge that his "instruction" was not part of the basic text, I would scoff and assure them that it must have been an oversight or that, since it was still in between the blue covers, it certainly was part of my program of recovery.

Sigh...

I was blessed for a period of ~12 years in my middle sobriety to attend several trips, retreats and conventions with Dr. Paul, the author of this story, and Max. While we were never close, we eventually had a nodding relationship that borders on intimacy that I've only found in this program. I was profoundly impressed by his spiritual path and the fact that I, on more than one occasion, saw him 12-stepping new folks with as much skill as any I'd ever seen.

Early in our acquaintance, we were at a conference together at a huge resort in Mexico. We were sort of standing around after lunch. I was waiting for my wife who was engaged in a conversation and I spotted Dr. Paul across the dining pavilion - at least 80-100 feet away. He seemed to be sort of staring at me but I presumed that he was looking at someone else behind me or in the group where my wife's conversation was. I just smiled and sort of turned away.

I noticed that he broke off from his group and started walking toward us. Again, I sort of looked around and presumed he was either mistaking me for someone else or was coming to talk to someone else in the group.

He marched right up to me.

I said "Hi."

With what seemed like exaggerated earnestness, he said "Are you all right?"

Confused, I said "yes."

He said "Good! I thought you might be thinking."

...and turned on his heal and walked back to his group.

I loved that...

A Lion's Roar...

2009-11-18T11:08:00.003-07:00

I am amazed and astounded at how God works in my life. Always.

I gave a pitch at a meeting last night and it was, well, different. I made an oblique reference to how God has blessed the whole of my life (but, especially in sobriety) and gave specific answers to questions asked and unasked. It seems God has always shown up with the miracle when I needed it.

So, I woke up this morning and went through the motions but was feeling fear and uncertainty as I approached my computer to maybe write an article and see if, one more day, I could find the encouragement I needed to get one foot in front of another and show up in this life. (all you really need to know is that I'm an alcoholic that's currently in a situation of adverse, unwanted circumstances...)

As I was on the verge of fatal self pity, I read Mary at Letting Go and she had blessed me with my first award for blogging. Of course, it was the last thing I would have expected from this woman who expresses herself so well that I sometimes just marvel that what I write can live in the same internet as her skill. Sometimes, hers is the only place I can find on the internet to help my heart to sing again. Thank you Mary. You've forced my tears of gratitude one more time...

And, as I've seen you all model so well for the past few months, I now get the distinct honor of passing this award along to 6 of you to directly appreciate your efforts on behalf of myself and, perhaps, those that also benefit from your efforts:

To Mary of Being Sober for having the courage and the strength to show me and many others that a presence of AA on the internet can be an extension of recovery as found in AA. That AA principles can (and must?) be paramount in all our affairs - including the internet. I thank her especially for keeping the blog doors open until I could get here.
To Pam of Sobriety is Exhausting. I can't think of a better award for her as I've heard her roar over the past few months through happiness, sadness, pain, sickness and, even, grief. My deepest respect for her heartfelt, powerful, honest sharing of her experience on her sometimes difficult road of life.
To Syd of I'm Just F.I.N.E.. Having been around Al-Anon for 25+ years including being a member in that program for 4 years, I can really appreciate the fine line he walks in supporting that program above and apart from the drama. I know no-one in that program that has better grasped the principles of their recovery than he has.
To Mr. SponsorPants who seems to have solved the problem of practicing AA principles in the difficult situation of not being an "authority" while clearly and directly answering questions that all of us have had over the years about our wonderful program. He's a credit to AA and, even in the rare time I may not have agreed with an answer, I'm proud to be a member of the same fellowship as him.
To "garden-variety drunk" of Another Real Alcoholic for giving me hope that another generation of alcoholic has found exactly the solution that I've found in this wonderful program and stands as a person who will keep the doors open when my dust (bits?) in cyberspace is all that's left of my being.
To Scott W. of Attitude of Grattitude for demonstrating that a disciplined sharing of beauty and strength can be a beacon to me and many. He's 6 years sober today, by the way.

What, wait! That's 6 already? What about Dave and Scott and Steve and.... Can't I at least also "award-back" a link to Mary LA? So many people have contributed greatly to my experience here of the past 9 months. Oh well, maybe in another 9 months I will have another award or perhaps, instead, we'll all just comment occasionally on each others' little spaces of the bloggerland and encourage each other along the way.

I'm encouraged for at least one more day.

Thank you again....

Step 11...

2009-11-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

About 10 years ago, I'd been beaten into such a state of reasonableness by life's circumstances that, with some 15 years of sobriety, I followed my sponsor's advice and redoubled my efforts at the 11^th step.

I read exactly the paragraph starting "When we retire at night..." (BB p. 86) in the evening and reflected on each of the questions and sentences carefully.

In the morning, before starting my day I read the 4-5 paragraphs starting with "On awakening..." and followed the suggestions outlined there.

It was a magical time. Nothing I've done in our program of recovery before or since has provided such and immediate relief my the daily problems and given me such a profound sense of connectedness with my spiritual path. I was on fire anew in AA. It lasted nearly a year.

Then, I woke up one morning, and it didn't work. I did the same thing I'd been doing and I just felt flat and defeated.

I thought for months that it was just a matter of trying harder, of saying something slightly different. Of taking more time. As I remember, I tried everything that was suggested to me and, struggle though I might, the magic just seemed to be gone.

And then I realized that there was a lesson in this. God had graciously given me a time in his presence but this moment was not that moment. What I needed to do was to be open and willing to seek God in his way - not presume that he would always bless me how I wanted, when I wanted, based on my own habits and rituals.

Since then, the feelings of inspiration and closeness have come and gone. My habits and practices have varied from time to time and that seems to be appropriate - it's been my experience.

Today, my practice is to pray the 3^rd and 7^th step prayers every morning before I get up. I try to apply my best thoughts toward thinking through the day ahead. Is it my will or God's will? I find the prayer of St. Francis that's excerpted in the 11^th step chapter in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions useful helping with meditation and in keeping my perspective in a better place as well.

At night, I still go through the review. At least once a week, I read the paragraph verbatim. Every night I try to close my mind and open for sleep by asking "...God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken..."

Then, I sleep.

Bigger things...

2009-11-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

I had someone come by and offer me an amends yesterday. I was musing this morning that this has not happened much through the years. My guess is the ratio is several hundred to one (given to received) in the amends department.

I must say, in many ways it's easier to give them than receive them.

This guy had stolen from me. Tools as well as trust and then he talked bad about me around the fellowship. It was really sort of interesting. I think I have pretty solid proof of more stuff that he stole than what he copped to yesterday. I'll chalk that up to the "more will be revealed" category. I just hope he has gotten honest enough to where he can stay sober for a while.

He's a bad drunk of the modern variety. Typically gets coked up enough to slam some serious drugs to "improve" his work performance and then, amazingly, takes off drinking again.

So far, in addition to a lot of money and property, he's laid waste to a marriage, at least one child and, well, he's doing the dance we do.

But, I was honored that he chose me as his first amends. Of his several times in the program and after over 4 years on a 4th step (drinking part of that time), this is the furthest he's ever made it. I encouraged him to complete all of his amends as quickly as he can.

Around our AA community, there was a myth running around a few years ago that one could "never complete your amends." That, living amends were really the key. This has not been my experience.

I had an 8^th step list (agreed to by my sponsor) and, when I was able to cross that last amends off, something magical - mystical - happened to me in my reality. I worry that not everyone who's in AA's program of recovery has that experience.

So, I encouraged him to set that as his goal. I can remember when I used to look at my list of some 40-45 people and institutions that it looked absolutely impossible. I guess, thinking back, it was impossible.

But, ~2 years later when I was able to cross that last name off the list, it was clear that something really, really, really, really different was going with me and the world.

I can't recommend it enough...

Small things...

2009-11-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Shortly after my now wife and I were beginning our relationship (~25 years ago), we were staying at a motel somewhere and I was watching one of the, then fairly rare, "lifestyles of the rich and famous" programs. I remember it well because I seldom watched TV and was sort of enamored of this type of programming - I could see all the details about people whom I had to hate because they clearly lived in all the luxury that I so desired.

They were touring a luxury hotel and they made a point of all the details they checked out in cleaning a room at every opportunity.

One of the details they checked out was that the end of the toilet paper was placed just so - coming over the top and the sheet folded in a "V" and had a finished, deliberate, look and was convenient to grab.

I must admit that, until that very moment, I had not given a single thought about how the end of the toilet paper roll hung out. I guess I just looked at it as either a random matter or trusted my gut. Hard to imagine that I was once such a cretin.

It also seems funny now that within a day of my acquiring this knowledge, my then girlfriend (now wife of 20+ years) felt it necessary to "teach me" the "right" way of leaving the toilet roll which was, of course, the paper needed to come from behind and underneath the roll. I started to protest with my new found knowledge and immediately recognized the look I've seen so many times since that this was going to be a fight.

I didn't fight. I realized that it just wasn't worth it to me that I be "right" in this matter.

To this day, if you come to our house, you will be able to tell who last changed the roll of toilet paper. As, I think, I generally change rolls more than she does (why is that?), the paper will generally come over the top.

But, that's not the end of it...

Embarrassingly recently (about 5 years ago?), I was using a bathroom, had to change the roll and realized that, due tho the proximity of the roll holder to the stool, it only made sense to hang it in the style of my wife instead of the style of the European hotel where I'd learned my craft.

I had a good laugh.

What is probably true is that my wife learned her paper roll changing skills from those who had such dispensers and that was why it was so important that she was "right" in her perspective.

My wife and I may never, in this lifetime, fully discuss this matter. It's almost ceratin that we'll never agree.

It's important, only for me, that we are both right on this small thing.

Yale...

2009-11-12T01:31:00.000-07:00

I went to a good friend's memorial service yesterday. The minister said we were celebrating a "life well lived".

Yale H. was 93 years young when he died last week. He was amazing from the first to the last. He had 57 years of sobriety. He would have had 58 next month.

His obituary doesn't tell half the story.

When he was up for appointment to Assistant U.S. District Attorney for Colorado, his background check turned up, well, problematic. Yale was never bashful about remembering his past when he came to my home group to tell his story. He may have sobered up a long time ago, but he was clear that he was a bad drunk before he got to AA.

When Bobby Kennedy was getting some flak from his staff about making this appointment, it was reported that he looked at the application and said "...it says here that Yale hasn't had a drink in ten years. Can anyone else in the room claim that?" Case was closed and Yale got the job.

He was a story teller above all. To see the story of "Rascal", go to this link. He had a million of them. Another area he explored was AA history and pre-history. He wrote a great story about the "Gold Cure" which pre-dated our fellowship.

The last time I heard Yale's voice was on NPR's Talk of the Nation listener call-in show last January when he called in to the program the Thursday before Obama's inauguration. You could hear the host gasp as he came to realize the importance of this moment as Yale related, in his mater of fact way, his experience attending the first inauguration of FDR as a congressional staffer. He had a front row seat for that part of history and could clearly relate the parallels and differences of then and now, first hand. As the host struggled to get his show's pundits and guests out of the way so that Yale could have more time, you could hear the effect Yale had on others, outside our program.

Beginning over 20 years ago, macular degeneration stole his sight. He was still active and involved in the community and AA meetings - he was at his home group the week before he died. Always, he would make sure the newcomer was greeted and made to feel welcome and important. More than one person I went to a meeting or an AA social event with would ask me "is he really blind?" It was as if he could see right through you and was completely engaged with you when you were in his presence.

I have never in my life had as sharp a mind as he had at 93.

His marriage of 68 years ended when his beloved wife died a few years ago. While he was always in love with Jane, Yale was fully human and was quick to find wit with which to share his own failings. The last 2 times he spoke at my home group, he closed his share with "...we say in AA to 'practice these principles in all our affairs.' It has been my experience that it's better to just not have any affairs."

The last intimate conversation I had with him was not long before the stock crash. He related how his neighbor was a day trader and was becoming quite wealthy. He could appreciate how his neighbor would work hard and concentrate and "lay up stores of riches for later times". He was envious until he realized that, at his house, he had a constant stream of "visitors" (he hated the terms "sponsor" and "sponsee") who would sit with him for hours each day and realized that he, too, was storing up treasure.

At the service, he was remembered for his wondrous life, mind and, his humility.

I miss him. It was great to celebrate a "life well lived".

The Gift...

2009-11-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

I was meeting with a sponsee this morning and we found ourselves again talking about the gift of desperation.

Something shifted for me recently. I've been spending some time looking into and thinking about the varying statistics that are offered for explaining how successful the program of AA is. I have found a great deal of discrepancy for claimed "success rates" for AA: ranging from factions in AA who boldly proclaim 80%+ success rates for those who follow "their way" of working our AA program to AA detractors who claim that AA's success for long term recovery is less than 10% or, about the same success rate as doing nothing for recovery - just quitting through will power alone.

If you look at even the most credible and statistically valid studies of how alcoholics recover, you can still find huge variations in the success rates and, worse, huge discrepancies about biases and and assumptions and caveats. It seems that for every study, there are at least 2-3 folks who will explain why the data is not accurate.

I was talking this morning with my sponsee about why some of the folks in his circle, and particularly his sponsee, don't find in AA a successful solution for not drinking and creating a life without drinking. This discussion wound up with the same conclusion that I had observed in my recent study and my over-all AA experience.

AA generally seems to work with a certain class of desperate alcoholics. For others, it seems to not be effective.

...but, for he and I, AA has been 100% successful and given us a life beyond our wildest dreams. For him, for 1-1/2 years, for me, 25+ years.

...and, for today, that seems to be the only statistic that we can really vouch for.

What a gift!!!

Anything to say...

2009-11-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

I find myself sitting here admiring every one else' life and sort of, well, sort of hating the one in front of me.

I get that it's a gift of grace today that, God willing, I'll get one foot out in front of the other today and will find a few places where I can be useful. That truly is "enough"...

However, as I read my usual folks' blogs this morning, I found myself pausing to reflect (pray) and ask "do I have anything to say?"

I've been taught to ask a few things before I open my mouth and say something (anything):

Is it the truth?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
...

And, the miracle of that just struck me in this moment.

All my life I've shared what I thought was the "right thing" to promote the image that I was trying to portray - that was aligned with the script that I'd made up for that moment.

For me, to pause and honestly ask is a miracle.

Just that...

Symbols...

2009-11-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

At a recent Area Assembly, our delegate brought to the floor a discussion of the question: "should we return the circle and triangle to our AA (AAWS published) literature?"

There was some discussion about the difference between symbols and substance.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently.

I have a long history where I have failed miserably in happy sobriety (just short of taking a drink) and noticed that I've filled my life with service and have forgotten to get in integrity with my recovery program. Or, that I try to solve the problem of my misery by focusing more on working a better 4^th step instead of finding a drunk to work with.

So, even though our symbol has not been used as an official symbol of AA for a number of years (about 1994), I still have a use for a reminder that this is a 3-legged program – sort of like a 3-legged stool.

Have you tried to sit on a 1-legged stool?

I have.

I need to remember why my life feels out-of-balance.

By the way, support for the question from our Area Assembly failed. Absent some action from some other part of the fellowship, it won't be on the agenda for the 60^th General Service Conference.

Paul ...

2009-11-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

One of the liberties I think I can take of having a less well read blog is that I want to share something that came in email about good friend who died recently. If anyone has any sort of objection about this, let me know and I will remove this article.
---
We lost another piece of AA history linking us to the founders. Paul Martin, 87 years old and 62 years sober. His sponsor was Tom Powers who helped Bill Wilson edit and publish the 12x12. Below is an official obituary that was in a local paper and a personal note from Gary B. a long time sober friend of Paul’s.

Rest in peace Paul, we will carry the torch!

--

Obituary:
Paul W. Martin, age 87, of Bethlehem Woods, LaGrange Park, formerly of Riverside for 42 years. A Veteran U.S. Navy Pilot during WW II, (survivors deleted). Paul had many accomplishments in life as a successful Journalist. He wrote articles for numerous publications including the Chicago Sunday Tribune Magazine, Christian Century, The Grapevine, The Lion (a publication of the Lions Club). He wrote two books on the history of the Lions Clubs, the first We Serve and the second Lions Clubs in the 21st Century. He spoke Spanish fluently and traveled widely, including trips to Mexico and South America and Russia. A Health and Science writer, he hosted his own television show, was a professional wrestler and boxer, and was a true sportsman. He worked in Greenland, Iceland and Alaska in the 1950's, on the Dew Line radar warning system . In the Navy he catapulted, in observation planes, off of battle Ships. He had a great sense of humor and always had a joke. In lieu of flowers, memorials to Riverside Twp. Lions Club, Hadley School for the Blind and St. Thomas Hospice appreciated.

From Gary B.:
I returned home yesterday from Paul's wake and memorial service. This was the third time I have been privileged to not only be with Paul but many of his sponsees and friends. The first two times I was asked to chair (more like emcee) the celebrations of his 50 years and 60th years of sobriety.

I met Paul 36 years ago when he spoke at the Wyatts meeting in Denver. He had been invited to speak there by a fellow known as Big Frank McKibbon. Frank was big and tough and a true Big Book Step Nazi who said that I should come hear Paul. I was surprised that Frank really looked up to anyone so I figured I better go. I left the meeting knowing that I had just met a man who really believed that the 12 Step program of AA was indeed "sufficient" for alcoholics and anyone else who might be motivated to go to the lengths we need.

24 years ago I called Paul with my ass hanging out and jam on my face and asked him for help. I had not drank, but I was living a life of infidelity, dishonesty in all my affairs--my wife still says I was depressed during that time. Other than the depression that is a symptom of alcoholism I have no other experience with that.

Paul and his group, the LaGrange group, firmly believe and practice repeated trips through the 12 steps. Each time they do that they swap 5th Steps with several other people, and are extremely diligent in making all the amends to remain current. I learned that the repeated process thru the 12 Steps in order relieves alcoholics of the depression, anxiety, fear and all those other things the sober alcoholic contends with.

Paul always believed that guilt is the cause of depression. In fact, he was sure that Wilson would not have had his depressions if he would have kept his pecker in his pants.

I last spent several hours with Paul this last Spring when he was in Bloomington, IN undergoing a series of heavy radiation. His conversations were always about AA. He said he knew I don't really enjoy speaking on the circuit but asked me to continue to do it when I was asked so I could continue to share my experience with amends.

Paul spent the last 3+ months in a retirement center/nursing home. I am told that this past August there was a young man taking a tour of the home with his parents. The parents were thinking of moving there. The lady giving the tour always spoke to each resident as they passed by. She would say "Hi Joe" or "Hi Mary" etc., but when they passed Paul she said "Hi Paul Martin." The group passed by and then the young man returned and asked Paul if he was the guy who knew Bill Wilson. Paul said he was and asked what he could do for the young man. The kid said he was 3 years sober and was having trouble getting along with his parents. Paul said "Do you have your amends list in your pocket?"

Paul then showed the kid how to write an inventory, told him to come back when he had it completed (Paul gave him one week). The kid came back, took 5th Steps with Paul and a few of his friends. On September 10th the kid returned to see Paul and said he had made all the amends with his parents and things were getting better.

All the years I knew Paul, I never once heard him change his mind about anything regarding the AA program--the Twelve Steps. I asked Matt A., a 50 year sponsee of Paul's if he ever heard Paul change his mind about any part of the program. Matt said he never heard Paul change his mind about a damn thing.

Three weeks ago Bryan B took Paul up to Mayo Clinic for some tests. The doctor came into the room after two days of testing and before the doc could say anything Paul asked "How long do I have." The doctor looked down while looking for words when Paul said "I'm glad you didn't look at your watch."

I'm sure someone will be telling more about his life. He spoke Spanish fluently. He interviewed many South American political figures, both winners and losers of revolutions. He was a wonderful god father and friend.

The wake and service were truly victory celebrations.

Gary

Fear and ....

2009-11-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

I had a long chat with my sponsor last night. It truly was evidence of how this thing (AA) works in my live today.

Our general subject was fear. Specifically, my fears. About: my finances, my work, my physical health, my relationships, my AA program, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my spirituality, my mental health, the government, our economy, our world, the climate, the weather, my safety... I think we pretty well covered a lot of them.

Me.

Anyway, at the end of this litany, he related his experiences in early sobriety (I hate it when he does that - doesn't he know I'm 25 years past that? sigh...) and he suggested that I write a list - start into a fear inventory.

I have a sponsee that has a paper taped to the bottom of his computer screen that says (in large type)

" ... We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear." (BB p. 68)

There's seldom a week that goes by that I don't relate to at least one sponsee or another that process of "outgrowing fear" - the essence of coming into "being that H would have us be".

Yet, for the recent past, fear has once again taken hold of my life in a serious way. It pretty much fully defines what I do and don't do.

Me.

So, today I'm making a list and only half-heartedly believing that the process which has "worked" the last several dozen times I've done it will, in fact, work again.

Or, at least, I think I hope so...

Tom...

2009-11-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I pitched a lead at a meeting that I don't normally go to on Tuesday nights. My 15 minutes went fine. The topic was the 11th step. I love the 11th step and have some experience that seemed useful.

After my lead, the discussion started and, after 2-3 people had shared, Tom shared.

You probably know Tom.

Tom has probably visited your meeting. Maybe Tom is there most every day.

Tom started out sharing about how he was new in town and that he was on his way back to Afghanistan and was in more pain than was humanly possible to conceive and (now sort of dancing around the back of the room) was tired of sleeping in the cold but he got here from Louisiana by way of Selma and Chicago and St. Louis and got a bus ticket from Kansas City to Denver where he had a job but then his tools got ripped off because he was a great stone worker and then he was headed on the bus to work at a stone quarry where they were going to give him new tools in the south but because of some behavior problems on the bus he was pulled off and hassled (not his fault, mind you) and told that he had to wait 24 hours to continue his trip because they wanted to see him less manic and then he realized that he'd left his grandfather's wallet and other valuables on the seat of the bus and...

Tom would occasionally slip and swear and then he'd catch himself and apologize and then congratulate himself about not swearing much.

After he'd gone on for about 8-9 minutes (I was deeply engaged in meditation with my eyes closed when I realized one of the members of the group was nudging me and asking me "what should we do?"), one of the members of this group interrupted him and asked him to wrap up and sit down. After another 2-3 minutes and increasingly stern requests, Tom shut up and found a chair in the middle of the room where he remained twitchy and, with great flair, picked items off the literature table and went for coffee 2-3 times.

Tom may or may not have been high or loaded and, it was clear, he might have had problems other than alcoholism.

I was so proud of this group, I could have just hugged them all...

It was a good meeting. Several folks shared useful insights, experiences and, perspectives on the 11th step in their lives.

Many of us shared after the meeting that "...there but by the grace of God go I..."

About 2/3 of the way through the meetings, Tom interrupted again and said "...I just want to say I love AA..."

Me too...

How it works...

2009-11-03T14:18:00.001-07:00

On another site I "play around" with the AA program online, I started a minor s-storm by relating a recent experience at my home group. From others' posts, I know that I'm not the only one who occasionally feels like I can get the hassles I find online in my face-to-face life so, like, why do I do this?

Anyway, as this storm was blowing around, I found it hard to post something here since my head had been pretty negative. However, this came to mind today. I posted similar articles in both forums...

Given:

"The AA Message" = "To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of ..." ("this book" is how it is written in the Big Book but, I think the implication from the conversations I've had recently is that we substitute "meeting" or "relationship" or "conversation" and extend to "the whole of AA")

How that works is (no particular order):

meetings and other gatherings that are solution focused and have a clear sense of purpose aligned with our message (above)
guidance by those who have had the experience of our path to recovery (some people call these "sponsors")
individuals who are motivated to not drink (we don't supply that initial motivation), work a program of recovery carefully hidden in our Big Book in a chapter of the name of this post
in the course of that program, they clean up their past and live differently henceforth
as a part of that program, they learn of a way of life that includes "love and service"
as a result of that program, they accomplish a spiritual awakening which orients them toward living by new principles in the world and places them in service to carry "the message" (see above)
one of the many promises in our basic text is that, if people follow this program of recovery, they will become useful - this is to be encouraged above all else (being useful to God and our fellows)
we come to appreciate and apply the principles of the steps, traditions and, concepts as AA's 3 legacies of recovery, unity and service

At least I think that's how it works...

My favorite night...

2009-11-01T00:42:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite night of the year. It's the night they give me an extra hour. I just have to love a world that, once a year, gives me an extra hour to enjoy.

Some years I just sleep. Some years I watch TV. Some years I play with this project or that. Many years, like this, I waste 3-7 hours doing a little of this and a little of that and wind up just relishing enough in that extra hour that I wind up tired and feeling hung over the next day. Or the next week. It's my own personal little annual time to enjoy an extra little time in my life - my own one little personal hour of Rumspringa every year.

OK, I know it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me...

Anyway, I decided that I could finally risk a full face picture of me and my lovely wife on this blog.

Anonymity be damned - it was our night to go to a meeting and hang with the clowns in AA...

A mighty maple...

2009-10-30T11:08:00.000-06:00

This maple tree in our front yard on the west side of our house is about 35 feet tall and has a canopy at least that broad.

We moved into this house about 23 years ago and, when we bought the house - and many times since - I've remarked that this tree was probably worth more than the house. It has been a perfect shade tree. It is the reason we need minimal air conditioning even with our blazing sun in the Colorado summers. Most springs and falls are more pleasant because of it's colors and grandeur.

Maples don't fare well in our climate. We're sem-arid here with legendary low humidity and most winters include at least a few days of gusts over 100 mph. Some years, you can fairly hear the tree gasping for moisture and rest. We laughingly refer to our "breezes" of 40-50 mph.

Since the tree was not well cared for when it was younger (it probably dates back at least as old as the house, approximately 1950, but probably pre-dates that by some time), we've had tree surgeons out several times in the past 10 years (more than $5,000 work) and each time they've whacked and trimmed but, well, it's just not all that healthy.

We had record snowfall this week and, since the tree hadn't lost all its leaves, it's paid a high price. Just guessing based on the branches that have already fallen or are probably dead from breaking, I think at least 1/8 of the tree has died off.

I find myself really identifying with this tree.

We could spend hours reflecting on the "pruning" I've been through since I got to AA. More than once, I've hung onto on my old ideas that were clearly no longer of any use but that were so attached to my "self" that I feared if I let those ideas go, my very identity would be threatened. It's a process I love to talk about since I think it demonstrates the great power for good that our program stands for. I credit with the life and happiness that I have today.

But, it's never easy. Ever. I hang onto those old ideas until, when they crash, they come crashing down and sometimes damage others around me when they fall.

And, my life depends on whacking out those ideas. If I don't get pruned, my whole life will be destroyed when the snows come.

I hope our tree survives. I think it really is more valuable than the house we live in.

I hope I do too...

Any lengths...

2009-10-28T14:25:00.000-06:00

We had our 1st major snow last night. I was a little late this morning (~6am) getting my paper in the driveway and, as I was collecting the paper and taking my neighbor the one that is always delivered on the wrong side of the house, was musing about how I could have probably slept in as I figured my 6am sponsee wouldn't be showing up.

He usually does show up but, since it's a 30 minute drive for him and the roads were obviously sloppy, I just figured he wouldn't make it. Made me think about how many people through the years I've known who really want to have a different life but, well, they just can't show up.

I was grousing in my head about how they told me when I got here that "...if I'd work just 1/2 as hard at staying sober as I did for a drink, that I'd surely succeed.

That's worked so far....

Anyway, before much of this revelry went on long, my sponsee pulled in less than 5 minutes late.

Turned out, "any lengths" was the theme of our time for the next hour or so.

He has a sponsee and a nephew - both of whom are early in sobriety and both of whom have seem to hit that wall of willingness that so many of us don't get through. "It's just too hard to get to meetings without a car..." "The people at that meeting are just a bunch of gossips|flirts|pious Patties|old cheapskates| ..." "I was going to write on my 4th step but decided I needed a night off..."

There is always a reason - a perfectly good reason - for not doing something around the program.

Sometimes, when I read chapter 5 at a meeting, I get a little cute when I read: "If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it..." (BB - p. 58) and put the emphasis on ANY. Like, would you go to ANY length? Even just one length?

Seems some people aren't willing (or able?) to get that motivation. They need another round or 2 in the ring with the gorilla. They need to learn something. They need the gracious gift of desperation.

A former sponsor of mine used to say, "...it doesn't do anyone any good if I'm working harder on their sobriety than they are...".

Today, I think I've gone to enough lengths.

I hope so...

The icks...

2009-10-27T10:16:00.000-06:00

A few of my friends in AA have been going through what I call "the icks" lately. I had a sponsor I used to call up (often) and say: "...the sick is on me bad today..." and then I'd launch into the familiar diatribe about how bad my life was and how hopeless all appeared.

This sponsor's solution was largely centered around inventory and prayer and meditation. I have nothing against those - they are cornerstones to our program of recovery. I'm grateful for all he taught me about those tools that I still use today.

After he fired me, I got hooked up with my current sponsor and he's pretty much of another persuasion - when you're under the oppression of alcoholism (real alcoholics will probably understand this), when you're into what I've hear called at east coast meetings "stinkin' thinkin'", his solution is to look for an immediate opportunity to be of service. The more consuming this is (sponsorship, chairing a committee, starting a group, jail/detox meetings, helping your kids or wife - doesn't have to be an alcoholic - etc.) the better.

While at face value this seems to just be a distraction, I can't tell you how many times this has worked wonders for me in terms of getting past my own head enmeshed in fear and darkness. It is, after all, what our Big Book book recommends. It's solution for my darkness and despair is not (only) changing sponsors, going to another dance, seeking a more intense 3rd step experience, changing churches or gurus, changing diet, getting more exercise, going to a therapist, changing medications, etc. Some of these items (and others) might be the right thing to do sometimes.

But, what Bill discovered was: "...I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day..." (BB p. 15). This suggestion is repeated a number of times in our book.

The fact that today, most days, I can get one foot in front of another to make progress toward some sort of real solution is a miracle that is beyond my wildest imagination. It is evidence of God's grace in my life.

About me - not...

2009-10-26T18:20:00.000-06:00

I love that Step 10 has some of the most explicit instructions in the Big Book. It suggest that we continue to watch for "...selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear..." and "...when these crop up..." (it doesn't say "if" these crop up - they know those things will crop up for all of us), it gives us clear, direct instruction using completely unambiguous time frames (like "immediately", and "at once").

I once had a sponsor who had a very strictly proscribed method for doing the 10th step. He nagged and cajoled me toward doing this step in his way for years until I'd reached the ultimate surrender - I decided I had to find a new sponsor.

I was "shopping" for who my next sponsor was to be for a number of weeks when, out of the blue, I had this incredible thought: "Why don't you try doing a 10th step in the way your sponsor suggests for a while?" It was such an incredible revalation to me, I couldn't understand why when I presented it to others they laughed. Probably like you are now...

Anyway, it started one of the most incredible experiences I've had in recovery. On a daily basis I did exactly what our Big Book suggests, exactly as my sponsor proscribed. It was amazing.

Years later, when that sponsor fired me, I felt an amazing freedom and have never been without a sponsor who I am accountable to. I am more accountable to a sponsor today than I was in my first years of sobriety.

And, on a good day, the several 10th steps I do keep me clear with God, also.

About me...

2009-10-25T13:12:00.000-06:00

The punch line of a number of setups runs something like: "...enough of me talking about me. Please, let me shut up so you can talk about me..."

..or, something like that...

The "Internet and AA" workshop was yesterday. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the preparation that I did for this workshop in this past week's blogs. I got to hate writing about this stuff but it was because I needed to do my own work around this - I was not looking at some truth that I needed to get to for myself.

As far as the workshop, I was handed 2 topics: (1) the history of our Area's web site and (2) an explanation of my home group's web site. I really wanted to talk more about other things I'd learned in the week about recovery social networks and the like - seemed much more important to PI and other topics around what one might do and not do as an AA member on the internet. But, I was given instructions and that's the more important lesson for me in these gatherings.

Four of us were to briefly share on our appointed topics and then allow at least an hour and a half for questions from the audience. Several times in my presentation, I related my experience and offered that I had some "...other recent experience in..." hoping to seed some questions where I could respond and talk about what I wanted to talk about.

We all covered our topics, we then spent about 45 minutes dealing with questions from an "ask-it basket" which was seeded with questions the organizers wanted responses to - most of which forced us to re-hash some of topics already covered. As I answered these questions, I again hinted about what I saw as more important issues and concerns for AA on the internet today.

To make a long story slightly shorter, I left without talking about much the stuff I thought was important what I thought folks would really be much more interested in.

On the plus side, there were about 30 alleged drunks collected for over 3 hours on a gorgeous and not one of us seemed to be drinking.

Neither was I.

I think that was good enough...

Internet and AA - finishing thoughts

2009-10-24T06:00:00.003-06:00

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

The internet has fundamentally changed "how I do" AA. This is hard to over-state:

Almost all of my AA service is coordinated and scheduled via email and common calendars.
Most of what I write, report or, collaborate on is done online.
When I need to look up a particular phrase or passage from our Big Book, I'll often start online even if the book is sitting right next to me.
When I travel, I usually start looking for meetings that I might attend via internet searches (e.g. Google: AA Boulder CO, online Intergroup, etc.).
When we do night-watch for our local central office (phones from AA central office are transferred to my home or cell phone overnight so that it appears I'm answering the call at the local AA office), we try to be close to a computer so that we can look up meeting times and addresses online if necessary.
My home group keeps our speaker calendar online (privacy protected) so that more than one person can schedule speakers for the meeting.
When I research a topic, idea or some part of AA history, I usually start online.
When I refer a speaker tape to someone, I usually look for the speaker online before flipping through our badly maintained library.
When I have a question about an event, I usually look for the flier online before sorting through my mountains of paper.
I write blog articles frequently (almost daily).
I read 6-7 members' blog entries almost daily.
I participate in (primarily watch) online social networks.
I collaborate with other people about AA issues and concerns online.
AA meets the rest of my life (travel, schedule, etc.) where the rest of my life happens online (e.g. web maps, travel sites, calendars, banking, etc.).

I suppose that's not unique to AA. If I'd given my life to a church 25 years ago, it would have probably evolved similarly. We have a good friend in the fellowship who was recently ordained as a monk. It's amusing to think how he's integrated that ancient calling and path to the world of Google and Twitter.

But, if AA is to remain relevant and available to the drunk of today and tomorrow, I think we must pay attention to and care about how and where AA, as an entity, is online.

In all of my reflections this week, I've found myself often thinking "how is this new?" Quite often, my answer is "Not at all!!!". The same traditions and principles that have caused us to recover and have protected our fellowship for 75 years need simply to be adapted and applied to the world and the AA work that includes the internet.

I've thought often about how Bill "sold" the idea of writing a book to the approximately 25-35 people that comprised our fellowship in 1937. Many (some argue the majority) felt that the AA message of recovery could not be carried by a book. That, writing a book would be a distraction to the fellowship and would dilute the AA message and limit it's effectiveness. Bill persevered, our Big Book was published and AA was born anew.

Today, I think we need to look for the dozens of good AA members who will engender AA's presence online much as Bill's vision brought us a book. The challenges will involve applying principles of anonymity, self-support, honesty, self-sacrifice - all of them will be discussed endlessly until the truth, for us, emerges.

With an appreciation of, perhaps even a reverence for, AA's guiding principles and traditions, we will make new mistakes, learn our lessons and carry our message as best we can wherever the hand reaches out for hope.

That can be our responsibility...

Internet and AA - group web stie

2009-10-23T05:00:00.001-06:00

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

Probably one of the few really "controversial" things my home group has ever decided to do was to set up a web site for our group. We've never been questioned more about "what is the purpose?" and "do you really think that is OK with our traditions?" for anything as much as this decision.

The decision to try out a web site happened at a group inventory discussion one time when one of our members mentioned that he had a hosting service that he wasn't using as it was originally intended (it was set up for a class reunion that had come and gone) and so there was about 9 months hosting service that was not being used. So it was available to us for free and we just decided to set it up and use it.

Previously, the same member had set up a trial for us of a "discussion forum" in support of our group conscience. We'd not used that much but we saw the value and thought if we went to a better forum software package, it might be more useful.

In our Area, one group had a party about nine years ago. A member took pictures throughout the afternoon and, as a service to the group, registered and set up a group web site and posted all the pictures to the site. I don't remember for sure if full names were included, but I think they were. (makes a better story anyway)

Of course, there was much discussion at the ensuing emergency group conscience meeting. The group then decided that they did want to have a web site but they took down the pictures and set up their site in accordance with agreed upon constraints.

My group's web site really has a fairly narrow scope and purpose. We use it to:

Communicate meeting times and places to new and visiting folks
Offer directions and parking instructions
Relate, if anyone would care, our group's history
Communicate via a forum
Share speaker audio (mp3's) among members

There is both a "public" and a "private" forum. Both the public and the private forum are probably going to die soon due to lack of use. There are much better forums for their purposed discussions to the general public and our current members seem to not be able or willing to utilize this as a means of communication (it was thought that forum-style discussion would be easier and better than emails).

Even with this limited scope, our group has been accused of "promotion" and being more impersonal in AA. I guess the thought is that, if someone wants to know something about our group, we should chase them down and tell them about it in person. (?)

Anyway, it's been up about a year now and the major accusations and discussion seems to have died down. As with so much in my service experience as well as my own walk in this path, the whole hoopla (on a group web site) has been largely overblown (you would have thought we were actively working to kill AA by some peoples' positions). I am amazed sometimes when it seems we want to leave no good deed unpunished...

It has been useful to a few people and that is probably a good thing.

Internet and AA - recovery social networks

2009-10-22T05:00:00.002-06:00

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

Yesterday, I wrote about AA members' participation in the current technology of online social networking. I was tempted, in this article, to simply write "the same, only more so" and drop it at that. That still may have been the best idea.

However, most of the people reading this are probably aware that, of the rapidly growing specialty networks and groups, "recovery networks" are among the largest and fastest growing of the social networks. One "authority" has a guess of about 1,000 recovery social networks online today and several more popping up each week. We drunks do like to meet.

Unfortunately (or, fortunately if you're in the business), addicts and every other variant of substance abuse or folks who use 12-step or other recovery programs also like to meet. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I've decided to not mention any of these web sites or networks by name here. They're easy to find and are referenced often in others' blogs and recovery articles. One of them boasts over 140,000 members and includes tools like graphs that link your sponsorial lineage much the same as heritage sites link up family trees - sometimes all the way back to Bill and Bob, if all the links are in place. Another of the sites has, I'm told, over 40,000 members - all with what purport to be actual picture of members in their profiles (it's strongly encouraged there). In my AA community, it's probably unlikely that you'd find a meeting without at least one member advocating one of these online networks.

All of the sites/networks that I've investigated (probably about 15-20 total so far) have many of the items of concern that I raised in yesterday's article about AA in generic social networks/online communities.

That said, there are people who are getting and staying sober as a consequence of the generous participation of real drunks and addicts in these forums. Thank you God.

However, the license that's presumed of talking only with "people in recovery" in a community or a partitioned part of a larger health or special interest community, I think, might leave us as AA members at less than our best. Therefore, I'm only slightly reluctant to delineate some of the concerns I have about AA members' participation in these networks. I know there are some networks that avoid some of these pitfalls and there may be some "perfect" sites out there that I'm not aware of yet. I will keep looking.

In the mean time here are some gross generalities about what I think might be wrong with participation in these sites as an AA member (in no particular order):

The presumed "closed-ness" of these sites seem to give some people the assumption that personal anonymity is not necessary or useful. People use full names, pictures and, sometimes, location information that seems reckless even for privacy concerns, especially given some of the details that they reveal about themselves. Clearly, for some, there are agendas well beyond "recovery" in the social interactions. I can imagine there is some real connecting beyond the online social network - in the carnal sense.
This open-ness can be good and harmless. But, much as happens with 13th-stepping in face meetings, you can see people "hitting on" newcomers. I've entertained the thought of posing as a newcomer on some of these sites ("...anyone can be a Las Vegas showgirl on the internet...") and ensnaring some of these predators. Question is, what would I do when I got them?
All of these networks are paid for by something and the message gets muddled as a result:

Some are clearly partitions/sub-groups of other social networks where the goals may or may not be well articulated (a church, a "health network", a treatment center, etc.). The bias of the membership and leaders is clear in some ways and hidden in others so that I always expect someone is subtly trying to sell me something. I've known people who have attempted to parlay their participation in a recovery social network into a career.
Many of these networks are paid for by advertising. I may be prudish but I find it disgusting to have adds for treatment centers, books, other online services or, electronic smokeless cigarettes on the page where I'm sharing my experience, strength and hope in AA.
Some purport to be (at least partially) self-supporting but, in my limited investigation, I've not found any site with any current and credible disclosure of expenses and contributions.

As of yet, I've not found any of these networks that support any sort of primary purpose or singleness of purpose in accordance with AA traditions. Even those forums and sites where there is implied strong AA affiliation (e.g. guidelines posted of "please limit your sharing in this forum to alcoholism and the recovery from alcoholism only "), sharing is not effectively constrained. It reminds me of a local group that had closed AA meeting that would, if a non-alcoholic showed up, take a quick vote and open the meeting to all. Every time.
One can clearly see the utility of this - you get more members in your network if you include everyone and some of these sites really encourage you to maximize your "identification" across all programs/fellowships they try to serve.
If you're concerned about AA's singleness of purpose in the world of recovery (I am), you might be marginalized in these forums/networks.
As far as I know, there is no common, open, technology today that will eliminate what you say in one forum being copied or placed in some other part of the web. Even those proprietary systems which protect data and images can generally be thwarted by novices. As recently as this morning, something I posted in one Yahoo! group was copied to another group that I'd deliberately not placed this information in. It's just the nature of the beast that what you share online can and does take on a life of it's own. This includes your pictures and your personal information as well.

As I stated yesterday, this technology is changing rapidly. I've not even mentioned in these articles the huge number of "online meetings" based on email lists or other "bulletin board" platforms as I think the new social networking platforms have largely overtaken these in a very few years (at least in terms of numbers). These current platforms are not static either and will more toward yet better ways of establishing and maintaining contacts.

Again, as I said yesterday, I don't think these negatives should keep us, as AA members, from participating in some of these forums. I think we should, however, give the same prayerful consideration of how and where we apply all our principles in this arena - knowing full well that there is both a persistence (this information that I'm sharing might outlive me) and a scope (when I post this message, it will be available all over the world for anyone to use or misuse as they choose) that is new in this generation of AA to this type of sharing.

God's purposes in AA will surely be done in this arena at least as well as they've been accomplished until this time.

I hope so.

Internet and AA - social networking sites

2009-10-21T09:17:00.001-06:00

(Context: for a few days I'm thinking through some perspectives on AA and the internet in preparation for a workshop)

I hope to split this part of the discussion between 2 articles. Today, I'd like to express some observations about the "public" forums like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, etc. Tomorrow, I hope to share my observations about recovery-focused sites where the situation(s) may or may not be different.

I don't remember when I had a whole week go by that I didn't receive at least one "invitation" to join some networking site or another. The overture is always the same: "so-and-so is inviting you to join them at..." and then (generally) there's a chance to view some portion of that person's postings along with the postings of that person's "friends" or "followers" or whatever jargon they use for connections.

In the interest of full disclosure of my direct experience, I am a member of only a few of these networks (I find it easier and easier to decline or not respond to requests to join - regardless my relationship to those who invite me) and I generally only lurk on a few friends' efforts - I seldom post "what I'm doing" updates. For me, blogging is my current preferred mechanism of and focus for sharing my AA experience online.

However, my wife and several other AA members I'm close to have tight circles of "friends" who share many poignant moments of their lives through "writing on their walls", "tweeting" or, whatever it is they choose to do in those circles.

Before I launch into some serious opinion sharing here, please, please, please understand that some of these folks are AA members who I believe have been real drunks and have had the spiritual experience directed by and proscribed by our AA program. Most I would be happy to share an AA meeting or coffee with any time. They are delightful members who may be more right than I am about what is right or wrong in AA and the internet.

That said, I truly believe that many are misguided in their reckless abandon of anonymity and other principles in the use of these media for sharing their AA experience.

The strongest argument in defense of some of what is shared on these sites (full names, pictures, pictures and names of other friends, etc.) is that you have to have been invited and responded to form a "closed group" of people. Some of the points they argue include:

Since it's a closed group, it is no longer in the public and issues of anonymity (in terms of identity) can easily be set aside. After all, you don't wear a bag over your head when you attend an AA meeting (although it may have been suggested to a few of us ;-) ).
The efficiency of sharing intimate details of their life's experience ("OK - I'm heading into the doctor's office now and am really afraid!", "My girlfriend isn't answering the phone - I'm shook up!", "I just got a promotion and I just love my new office!", "Here's a picture of my cat's new play-toy!", ...) with many friends at once actually improves their effectiveness at life and working of their program.
This type of sharing can lead to a transparency (honesty?) in their lives that is useful to them. I no longer just "check in" with a sponsor - I have a broad range of folks who know all about me and what I'm up to.
Similarly, you can watch people you really care about and suggest, for example, that they might choose to go to an AA meeting rather than rent another movie.
They can more efficiently and effectively keep up with a wider circle of people in AA than they could only using personal contact or the phone.
Part of that more effective sharing includes pictures. Who hasn't gotten a wonderful message from someone with a picture attached that says so much and is really meaningful?
It helps eliminate some of the problems with the classic AA rumor chain - everyone can know the same information from the same source rather than getting someone's spin on "news". Most of us have been victimized by the AA fellowship's version of the game "telephone" at some time in our lives.

I'm sure they see many other benefits as well in that some of them spend hours out of nearly every day engaged in activities around these networks (posting messages, checking up, expanding networks, etc.). Again, it's really not my deal right now so I may not even be hitting really important benefits of this type of sharing. If you know of some, please educate me.

On the other hand, I think there are some down sides to this as well:

Anonymity (privacy, identity) is not assured. While I may not be friends with John, even before I become John's friend (say, he invites me to friend or follow him), I can generally see who John's friends are before I enter this relationship. Indeed, often I get friend/follow requests and don't recognize who the invitation is from. I've browsed around for hours in this potential friend's friends' spaces:

Looking for clues as to who the request might be from (who John is)
Being greatly entertained with some of the stupid (and vulgar and obscene and ...) stuff that some folks I may or may not know publish on these networks

While an individual's information is generally protected (and I think the networks are getting better at this as time goes on), as recently as last week I stumbled across a link that plopped me in the middle of an individual's Facebook photos that I know he would not want as publicly available as it was. At the very least, I think one should be very careful.
I think the fact that thinking one may have their identity protected, they might miss several additional points related to the spiritual principle of anonymity. Not the least of which this (your life, my life) might be much less about who I am and who you are and more what we can offer to be useful. I am concerned that who I become when I think my identity is protected is not my best. At least for the pages and sites I've seen, we become focused on the mundane and the sickness more than becoming the best we can be under spiritual guidance. It seems these networks support me to lower my standards rather than seek progress.
Quite often, connection requests devolve rapidly into other agendas. Of the ~20-30 people I've "connected" with on one service, nearly all of them eventually came around to wanting to convert me to their religion, sell me a book, somehow get me to click through their marketing portal, whatever. I've learned that, when someone has more than 5,000 "connections" (maybe even over more than 20 connections), there is generally some other factor at play. Someone is selling something or has an program (other than AA) to push.
While I may or may not be interested in some facets of your life, quite often as families/friends/AA friends/business associates all get involved in the same connection pool, someone is probably going to learn something they really didn't want to know. I doubt seriously that any woman I know would march into an AA meeting and share her menstrual cycle but some in these forums seem to include that as important information to share.
Maybe this could be dealt with by "grouping" friends into different sets of folks, and some of the networks allow for this now, but general sharing with all seems to be the norm. It's easier and simpler and, frankly, I think people just forget who all might see what particular information. And, again, friends who invite other friends into the network will probably also get to see that information.
While I work pretty hard to keep my sharing on this blog and the blogs I follow and comment on to be primarily aligned with the program and principles of AA, in social network sites this becomes unwieldy and probably almost cross-purposes of what a social network is about. Social networks seem to be first and foremost about encouraging individuals to share as individuals with great diversity.
Not every conversation held at coffee or even with a sponsor is going to be aligned with an AA "party line". It shouldn't be. However, the sharing that happens in these social networks has a persistence and reach that spans well beyond our experience in the past.
As I contemplate including my sponsor, people I sponsor, and other friends in the program into one of these networks, I'm concerned about what might be shared and how it could be received - especially once it's removed from the context in which it's shared (as often happens in these networks).
While these networks are currently "free" to subscribers, all in the industry agree that, eventually, some financial model based on subscription fees, advertising, or some other financial component will be required to support the service. One could easily foresee that "Joe's Treatment Center" would be happy to attach it's click-through logo to all my messages about recovery from boozing or communities where that is often discussed. If one reads the fine print on these services, what you publish does belong to you but they have the rights to do anything with that data they chose to - including, in some cases, leaving your writings up after you close out your account.

All this said, I feel AA members need to have a presence in these networks. I was discouraged at the recent SW Regional AA Forum when I learned that AA World Services intervened and had an account with the name of "alcoholicsanonymous" removed from Twitter. I would have much rather that AAWS would have taken over that account and supported a message service that provided something that injected a conversation about recovery in AA into that network.

Finally, I don't think anyone really believes this generation is the final destination of this technology. I would hazard a guess that the memory of MySpace, Twitter and, Facebook will in the future be much the same as the memory of CompuServe or AOL is to the internet of today - important milestones in history but the future social happenings on these networks will be much more natural and elegant - integrated into one's online experiences. For that reason, I think we, as a fellowship and individuals (and maybe even groups) in AA, should experiment with what works and doesn't work in supporting our AA principles and program of recovery in this venue.

God willing, we will learn the lessons we need to be useful into the future.